Chapter 35 - I don't know how to start (Part I)

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Hello Lovely Readers,

Thank you so much for the messages! I'm so happy you understand why I needed a break and I appreciate you being worried about me! If I ever publish this story (a girl can dream, right?), you will be in the acknowledgements for sure haha

So, here it is Bennett's POV. I'm splitting in 2 Parts because there's a LOT going on here and it turned out to be a long chapter. Some things are a bit ''WHAT?'', shocking! I mean, even I was shocked. haha

I hope you enjoy this chapter!

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Bennett's POV

I need to graduate. Like, soon.

I realized that all I have to do is to get out of this place and never come back.

Maybe that's too drastic, my family is here, so of course I'll be back, I just... I need to take some time away. From this school, this town, my brother and especially Alex.

Going to college is something I always dreamed of, but now staying away from Alex seems an even more of a good reason to go away.

I dreamed about the two of us spending time together at college, living in the same city, as I know she always wanted to go to Boston and so have I. MIT has been my dream school since I was a little kid. Everyone knows this. 

So the fact that we were both planning on going to Boston was something I was looking forward to. However, what I dreamed for so many years seems to be getting more and more further away from what is possible.

Away from what I want.

Funny how things work. I thought that after we kissed, things would change. I actually thought I would stand a chance, because come on, it was one hell of a good kiss.

I was wrong.

Everything was giving me hope, before it all went down to shit.

I was doing my best to forget she even existed after the kiss, but then she had a migraine episode and there I was to rescue her. What was I supposed to do? Leave her in pain?

No, I could never do that.

I'm not sure if it was a good thing because it brought us closer again, or a bad thing because it brought us closer again.

I spent the following days glued to her. Helping in any way I could, like a good boyfriend would do.

Only, I'm not her boyfriend.

Well, her actual boyfriend couldn't give a flying fuck if she was in pain, because he had football practice. He didn't even know she had such bad migraines. 

I thought I was completely hallucinating about maybe she enjoying my company a bit too much. I thought it was my mind playing with me. I started to think we were just two friends studying together, talking about deep stuff, like why she stopped playing piano, a topic I know she doesn't talk to anyone about.

That was it, two recently reunited friends, nothing else.

Until we kissed.

I couldn't believe it when she leaned forward and planted those soft lips on mine. It's not like I didn't want to kiss her right there, but I never thought it would come from her, so I was shocked at first, not expecting it at all.

I had to kiss her back. I just had to.

I had to kiss her with all the passion I had been hiding inside for so long and damn, it was fucking amazing.

The moment her tongue touched mine I felt a type of fire burn inside of me that I never felt before. Desire, passion, lust, love.

I don't know if it was because of the song she was playing. I don't know if she chose it on purpose or if it was a crazy coincidence, but hell, if it was, the universe was giving us a hand, because that song was made for us.

It almost makes me believe in astrology and shit like this.

Watching her play and sing was out of this world. If you ask me my favorite memory, that was it. Alex playing for me, as gorgeous as ever.

Maybe it clouded her judgment as well and that's why she kissed me. Damn, I imagined that kiss many times before, but nothing compared to how I actually felt.

Fuck, I wanted to lay her down on that bench and do things I shouldn't. I wanted her so badly, so grabbing her waist to bring her even closer to me felt just right. Feeling her warm body touching mine as I deeply explored her mouth made me feel something I can't even understand.  

When we pulled away, I couldn't breathe. I looked at her eyes trying to find a sign of regret, but all I saw was the same that my eyes were showing.

She wanted more.

So when Mr. Jones kicked us out of the auditorium, I cursed under my breath. I was probably going to kiss her again if he didn't show up. Such a mood killer.

We went to the lab, grabbed our stuff to leave and that's when I started to see it. Not sure it was regret, but it was something. She looked pale, like she was panicking on the inside and not understanding what happened.

When we got to her house and she said she was sorry, I already knew it.

Yeah... guess what? She chose Dylan.

Every fucking time, she chooses Dylan.

I don't understand why. What is it about him? Why can't she choose me?

Not to mention how oblivious she is when it comes to my feelings. Even after we kissed like that, she still didn't get that I'm into her. She thought I was jealous of Dylan.

It pisses me off in a way that I can't explain. As if there's anything to be jealous about.

Well, except for the fact that he has the girl I love in the palm of his hands, I can't think of anything else.

The very last straw for me was the second time we kissed. She confronted me with a bunch of stupid questions about Kate that I don't even know where were coming from, but then she launched herself on me and hell, it just confirmed it to me. The very same feeling from the first kiss was back, so I knew I would kiss her for my entire life if I could. 

Alex and I are so fucking perfect together, we fit, we make sense, too bad she can't see it.

Not to mention how confused I felt after I talked to Lilly. She told me that Alex was going to break up with Dylan, that she was confused and all this shit and I believed her. I thought about it and it only made sense that she would tell him what happened.

Well, maybe not the details, like how fucking incredible it was - not that she felt that way, but I know I did - but I thought she would tell him she needs a break, at least until she figures out what she wants.

So, I had hope, I felt great, until the weekend at the cabin and that was it. When I saw Dylan pulling her in for a hug and kissing her, I knew she wasn't going to say anything to him and that pissed me off.

I did my best to ignore her, but ended up spending the night sharing a blanket with her. How that happened is something I'm still trying to figure out.

I went to get a glass of water and saw her laying down outside, looking at the sky. That day we stargazed together immediately came to my mind.

She pulled her lounger closer to mine and covered me with her blanket, while I kept looking at her. All my efforts to ignore her that day went down to shit, because I knew right there that I would spend all night awake with her if I had to. I didn't think about Dylan or anything else, just us together.

Which is wrong.

I decided to never, ever kiss her again, unless she breaks up with him. That's a promise I made to myself. Even if Dylan is a terrible person, he's still my brother.

So I woke up the next day decided to change my situation. For real this time. That whole college conversation was also weird and once again, there she was acting like I owe her something.

What matters which college I go to? I don't have to give her any explanation of where I'll go after I graduate. Although, if you ask me, now I do want to go away from her.

The cabin especially sucked because the day after we spent the night outside, Dylan approached me.

''So, I see you had a good night of sleep. Funny enough, Alex wasn't in her room either.'' He said, crossing his arms over his chest, with a disapproving look on his face.

''Are you implying something?'' I shrugged. If he wanted to ask me something, he would need to say the words.

''I'm not stupid, Bennett.'' He pushed himself away from the wall and walked closer to me. ''I saw you two last night.''

''What did you see exactly?'' I asked, looking out the window.

''Don't play dumb with me. You think I don't know what you're doing, going after her thinking no one will notice? Stay away from her, I'm warning you.'' He gave me a weird look that I guess was supposed to make me fear him, which made me want to laugh instead.

''Or what?'' I challenged him. It almost made me forget about my promise of really not going after her. He smirked before answering me.

''You really think she'll ever like you? Look at you. You could never stand a chance against me.'' He pointed his finger at me, like he was pointing at something insignificant.

''I didn't realize this is a competition.'' He narrowed his eyes at my joke. He couldn't tell, but I was quite nervous. Even learning how to deal with Dylan, his words were hurtful. ''If I didn't know you better, I'd say you're the one envying me.''

This seemed to trigger something in him that made him even angrier, which only tells me I might be right. Maybe Dylan does envy me, but what for?

''You're funny. I don't know what went down between the two of you and I really don't care, but if you think you'll get in our way, I won't let that happen. I will not lose her for you. Just so you know, we've never been better. I'll sneak into her room tonight and you know, things may happen.'' He winked at me, clearly indicating that he was probably going to have sex with Alex, just to make me almost lose my shit.

Almost, though. I didn't show him how much that affected me. At least I think I didn't show. All I could think all day was about them together, making out, taking their clothes off. Fuck, I broke my lamp that day.

I couldn't picture it anymore, so when we were talking about college at dinner that day, all I wished was to get away from her, so yeah, MIT might not happen.

I don't know what happened between them that night, all I know is that I couldn't sleep and if I heard a single sound, you know... I would be gone in a heartbeat.

Dylan was in an annoyingly good mood on Sunday morning and winked at me, before he pulled her for a kiss in front of me again, something I'm pretty sure he did on purpose.

I looked at them thinking if I should tell him that we kissed. That I did exactly the same thing he was doing with Alex, the only difference was that she didn't look so uncomfortable while I shoved my tongue down her throat.

I didn't say anything though. Maybe I was just a coward. Maybe I should have let the shit hit the fan and deal with it later.

Yet, I kept it inside.

Dylan knows exactly how to get under my skin and the fact that he wants to be with Alex regardless of what happened - even if he doesn't know exactly what happened - makes me wonder if he really likes Alex or this is just a game to him.

I was so fucking pissed with that trip.

I shouldn't be, I mean, it doesn't matter if Alex decides to have sex with him, she's his girlfriend and I know that it will eventually happen. Like he said, it's not like he cares about what happened between us, so even if she tells him, I assume he will do his best to keep her obsession about him live.

He cares more about having someone at his feet than being cheated on.

I have no right to be pissed with this situation, because the truth is, I have done it too. Yes, I guess that as I'm not a very social person, the fact that I'm not a virgin is quite surprising.

Considering I don't open up to anyone, it was a decision I regret. Not because of Kate, she'll always be special to me, but because I wasn't thinking straight, which is unlike me.

Yeah... Kate was my first. I know what you're thinking. That I was leading her on to this point, but it's not how it happened.

It was the last week of camp, we got a bit emotional and decided to move forward with it. She wanted me to be her first regardless if we were actually dating, because we were amazing together. I completely agree with that.

Camp was like a break from reality to me. Spending time with new friends, not being bullied for the first time in a really long time made me feel confident. It's like I was someone else and I liked it.

I was happy, so I got carried away. Well, she's the one who started it, so I guess she got carried away too.

Even if I had made clear at that point that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship, but I cared about her enough to do it, the reality hit me soon enough and I felt guilty.

I did it with a girl I care about, but I don't love her. Don is right, I should have waited for my true love. I thought about Alex after it and that's why I regret it.

Kate and I talked and as camp was over, we decided to be friends. I mean, as friends as we can be after something like this. Maybe more than friends as we have been. I really don't know.

It was time to go back to reality and let the guilt consume me.


..........TO BE CONTINUED..........


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