I can't help but feel extremely confused with everything that just happened.

I don't know how to deal with my emotions, I don't even know how I actually feel for christ sake and I definitely don't know if I should just forget it happened or keep overthinking about it.

I will probably overthink, because that's what I do about everything.

Trying to keep my feelings under control, I make my way to the cafeteria, looking for Lilly.

I want to tell her what happened, I desperately need to talk to someone and well, get my shit together, as Bennett said.

He's so right.

It's not fair to him, it's not fair to me and especially, it's not fair to Dylan. Kissing his brother once was wrong, but it was a mistake. Today was also a mistake but it was a conscious one, which makes me a terrible girlfriend.

So I know I need to break up with him, even if I don't know if that's what I want, but I'm not a bad person, who would simply kiss someone else and continue dating like nothing happened. I did this the first time, but like I said, it was an honest mistake.

Today was different.

I know what I have to do, but right now, all I want to do is cry.

I hate feeling like this and being so confused pisses me off.

As I'm walking from room to room looking for Lilly and not paying attention to the art anymore, I spot her.

I almost trip over myself when I see that Lilly is not alone. It takes me a while to recognize that it's Harris who is with her and they are... wait a second, what the hell are they doing?

They are... oh my god, they are kissing. Like, really, romantically kissing.

On top of my messed up feelings, I don't know whether to feel extremely excited for her or kind of hurt that she didn't tell me anything about them.

Not that I even know what's going on between them, all I know is that they are locking lips in the middle of the not so empty room, so anyone can see.

I watch them in their exchange and even after they pull away, he plays with her hair and she giggles. He then leans forward and kisses her forehead, almost getting an 'awww' from me.

It looks so romantic.

Well, at least someone is having a romantic moment.

How long has this been going on if he's already giving her forehead kisses? Like, I consider this gesture quite intimate.

Lilly playfully hits him on the arm after he whispers something in her ear and they go their separate ways.

I immediately go after her and I pull her arm so we can go to a place with less music and lights.

"Is there something you wanna tell me?" I drag her to the coffee shop, where we can have a decent conversation.

"Uhn, like what?" She asks, innocently.

"Like you and Harris kissing in the other room." Her eyes widened. "Weren't you going to tell me?"

"I was going to, I just didn't know how."

"You know what I find funny? You push my buttons to tell you about Bennett and you constantly get mad at me for not telling you things, but you're doing the exact same thing." I say more annoyed than I'd like, putting my hands to my hips.

I'm not sure if I'm truly annoyed or if I'm just taking my frustration out on her.

"I'm sorry, Alex. I wanted to tell you. It's just.... don't take this the wrong way, but you're so overwhelmed with the whole Dylan and Bennett situation and it's all you can think about lately, that I just I didn't find the right time to tell you.'' I consider what she says.

"So it's my fault you're dating and didn't tell me?" I now cross my arm over my chest.

"I'm not saying that, all I'm saying is that it feels like there's only space for your things. If it's not you, then it's not worth talking about it." I soften my angry look. That's hard to hear.

"I..." I want to say that she's wrong, but I know she's right.  I guess that apart from being a terrible girlfriend, I'm also a terrible friend. "I'm sorry. I want you to tell me your things, not just talk about my drama.''

I still feel like crying, because well, my drama seems to have intensified even more after today and I do want to talk to her about it, but I don't want her to feel that it's all about me. I want to be there for her as well and celebrate her happiness.

I won't say anything to her about today's mess. Not after this. I want to talk about her relationship with Harris, not my lack of relationship with Bennett or whatever is going on between us.

"Well, to be fair, I'm the one who brings up the topic all the time. so it's my fault too." We both smile and I know it's our silent way of saying that things are fine.

"So, Harris, uhn? Since when are you a thing?" She fits the floor and her cheeks are red.

I've never seen Lilly embarrassed like this and it's quite funny.

"Remember we went on that date because Miss Bergman wanted us to bond for real?" I nod. "Well, we bonded for real. It was so nice, we have a lot in common and it just happened from there. It's been only a couple weeks that we're official though."

"That's amazing! I'm happy for you, Lil. A couple weeks though? Why are you keeping it a secret?" I take my hand to my chin.

"It's not a secret, we just want to focus on the school play and there's a lot going on for Harris too, so we decided to keep it low-key." I nod.

"So low-key you couldn't tell your best friend." She rolls her eyes at me, but she knows I'm joking. Or not, really. "We have to go on a double date!"

"We totally do, just with who?" I glare at her.

"Let's not talk about me. This is about you." I half smile.

She goes on telling me about her new relationship and I can't help but think about her question for a second.

Deep down I guess who I would like to go on a double date with is a question I need to ask myself too.

.........................

"All right everyone, get on your assigned bus. I don't want to have to call your parents and explain to them why you were left in New York all by yourselves because you don't pay attention. Let's go!" Our teacher yells, going around like crazy trying to gather everyone so we can leave.

Lilly and I spend until the very last second talking before getting on the bus. I saw Bennett going inside the same bus we're supposed to be on, so I'm avoiding it as much as possible.

I haven't seen him since we last talked... well, kissed, and I feel that if I see him, I might have a breakdown or something.

Get your shit together.

Don't kiss me again.

This was all a mistake.

Bennett's words are on my mind, mixed with what Anna and Lilly told me.

He likes you, Alex.

He was just jealous.

He told me he's in love with you.

Argh!!!! What do I do with all of this?

When we finally get on the bus, Lilly looks at me suspicious and I can sense she wants to ask me something. Knowing her, she's been holding back whatever she wants to ask for a while now.

''Why aren't you sitting with Harris?'' I ask instead, trying to sound as normal as possible.

''We're not going to be one of those couples who are glued to each other, like them. I mean, look at them.'' She points to a random couple making out at the back of the bus. ''Ew, thanks, but no thanks.''

I try to smile, I really do, but I guess all that I manage to do is give a faint, sad one.

I wish I was in the back of the bus making out with... shit, stop thinking about this, Alex.

''What's going on with you?'' She finally asks me, an inquisitive look on her face.

''What do you mean?'' She eyes me carefully, looking even more suspicious than before.

''I don't know, I can tell something is bothering you. Something big.'' She leans closer to study me and looks me deep into my eyes. I avoid looking back at her, which probably only tells her that she's right.

''We agreed not to talk about my drama anymore.'' I say, actually smiling this time.

''Nice try, but that's not happening. It's not what I meant, you know it." I nod, because I do know she didn't mean it in a bad way when she said we only talk about my things. I just want her to know I'm there for her as well.

I really want to talk about this with her though and I am in fact so tired, that I don't have it in me to even think about lying to her.

''I kissed him.'' I say, my voice breaking a little.

''Yeah, I know, you told me earlier and---''

''No, Lil. I kissed him again. Like, today. Inside there.'' I cut her off and point to the building, before covering my face. Once I take my hands to my lap again, she looks at me with her eyes completely wide and her mouth hanging open.

''Wait, what?'' She asks, even more confused than before.

''I talked to him.'' She nods. ''I asked him if he likes me.''

''What did he say?'' I can tell she's anxious to know, but is trying to respect my space, because I'm simply taking too long to say the words.

''He didn't reply, not directly at least. He said he likes Kate though.'' I hate even remembering the conversation.

''Kate?'' She seems surprised. '' Why were you even talking about Kate?''

''I don't know, I guess I wanted to know if they are together. I asked him if he's dating her. He said no, but admitted to like her.''

''That's why you're crying?'' She asks, unsure. I couldn't help the tears. I mean, I'm not like sobbing or anything, but I'm a bit overwhelmed, so tears were inevitable.

''No, I'm crying because we kissed.'' I say, like it's not the biggest deal. I know I might not be making any sense to her.

''Ok, wait a second. I'm a bit confused. Go from the beginning, please.'' She pauses for a few seconds.

I tell her how I approached him to talk, then about my stupid questions about Kate, how he told me he likes someone else more and that I think he meant me, how I ended up kissing him and thinking about breaking up with Dylan.

I finally tell her how Bennett pushed me away, which he's completely right to do.

Although I hate that he did.

''You don't want to break up with Dylan?'' She frowns.

''I don't know. It's the right thing to do. I just... I've wanted this my whole life, it's just not easy, but Bennett freaked out before I could even explain to him. I like Dylan, I really do, so it's hard, you know?''

She nods, in understanding.

''I get that. I think Bennett is afraid that you'll never forget Dylan, it was never easy for him seeing you running to Dylan every time, so I understand where he's coming from. He's also a bit insecure sometimes.'' I look at her, as I wipe another tear. ''How was it? The kiss, I mean?''

''Ah Lilly. Bennett and I... I don't know, either he's an extremely good kisser or we just fit together. It's weird and unexpected.'' I say, thinking that it should have been the opposite.

I should have hated it. It would make things easier.

''Come on Alex, it's unexpected to you. We all saw it coming and by all I mean me, your mom and I suspect even your dad.'' I blink hard, looking at her.

''God, I'm so stupid.'' I bury my face in my arms, resting on the front seat.

''You're not stupid. You know what? I can talk to him.''

''NO.'' I yell the moment the words leave her mouth. ''You're not talking to him, promise me.''

''Ok, ok, I won't, I promise.'' She puts her hands in the air.

This has been a wreck of a day and I don't have it in me to argue with her because if there is one thing I don't believe for a second, is that she will keep this promise.

.........................

Bennett's POV

''Can we talk?'' I look at Lilly waiting for me next to my car in the school's parking lot and I roll my eyes.

I knew she was going to talk to me eventually, because it was obvious that Alex went crying to her.

''What do you want, Lilly?'' I say, feeling annoyed and bothered by this whole situation. Lilly is my friend and has been helping me a lot, but right now, I don't even want to talk to her.

I'm still trying to get over Alex's kiss, so there's nothing to talk about.

''You know what I want. You and Alex–'' She starts saying, but I cut her off.

''Stop. Really, there is no me and Alex. I assume she told you what happened today and that she will go running back to my brother.''

''Yes, she told me and no, she didn't say she'll go running to him. It's quite the opposite, she wants to break up with him."

My eyes go to her. Could it be true? No, Alex always goes back to him.

''I find that very hard to believe.'' I say, without looking at her, as I'm already opening the car door.

"Well, you should believe, because it's true." She takes a deep breath. "You know what? You're an idiot, Bennett."

Ok, where is this coming from?

"What did I do?" I ask honestly.

"You blame Alex for not wanting to be with you, always choosing Dylan and this bullshit, but you don't realize how much you push her away." I look at her, considering what she said. "Whenever you two get close, you simply find a way of fucking it up too, so it's not all on Alex. You tell her to get her shit together, completely shut her down, so how on earth do you think she would get the hint that you like her?"

She puts her hands to her hips and looks at me, her nostrils flaring.

Damn, Don was right, Lilly is actually scary.

"I don't push her away." Is all I say.

"You do, you just don't realize it. You know, I think this is my fault too, because I should have told her what happened that summer way sooner. I was being patient with both of you, but look where it got you."

"You're a good friend Lilly, none of this is your fault." She shakes her head. Why am I even defending her? Well, she's being annoying as fuck, but I can't hold that against her.

''No, I knew I should have told her sooner, I really did.'' She fits the floor, like she's talking to herself. ''She freaked out when I told her you're in love with her, but I should---''

''Wait a second.'' I pause and by the look on her face she didn't mean to say that, but it slipped. Did she? No, tell me she didn't... ''What did you say?"

"Nothing." She quickly says, looking anywhere but me as she plays with her hair.

"Don't you lie to me. That's how Alex knows I like her? She told me she heard some stuff. What did you tell her?''

She puts her hands together, nervously and I close the door shut, standing right in front of her.

''Please don't get mad at me, but I sort of told her today what happened at the cabin." She pauses and takes a deep breath. "She knows you're in love with her.''

''Lilly!'' Fuck, ten times fuck. ''Why would you do that?''

I know why, because she wants to push something that will never happen, that's why.

''Ok, before you lose your shit, which I can tell you're about to, just listen to me.''

''You bet I'm about to lose my shit.'' I start pacing from one side to the other. That's not how I wanted Alex to find out.

''What did she tell you when you told her?'' She doesn't reply fast enough and I can't wait. ''Lilly, what the fuck did she tell you?''

''Relax, ok? She said she doesn't know how she feels, to be honest. She's obsessing over your kiss, because she said it felt amazing." I nod. Yeah, I've been obsessing about it too. ''She thinks you're dating Kate, so this makes it more confusing to her.''

"That's why she asked me a whole lot of unnecessary questions about Kate.'' I state and Lilly nods.

''She realized that you've been there by her side because you like her, so she wanted to ask you about this. That's why she went after you and you ended up kissing again.'' I close my eyes, trying to keep my feelings in check.

Fuck, that kiss. She wanted to kiss me. I'll tell you it was the most intense, hungry, I'll dare to say passionate kiss of my entire life and hell if I'd say I didn't like it. I fucking loved it.

''You're also blind, you know? The same way she thinks about Kate, you keep thinking she'll go back to Dylan and she doesn't want to do it. She said she's confused.''

''The only difference is that I'm not dating Kate and she is dating my brother.''

''Not for long.'' She's quick to say. "You want to be with her? Stop pushing her away, tell her how you feel. Be completely direct and act like it."

''Thanks for the tips.'' I roll my eyes. It's a completely involuntary act. I know this is what I should do, but how can I?

I can't help but think she's going running back to Dylan, that's all she's always done, even if that kiss did mean something. She would be lying to her teeth if she said it didn't.

Will that be enough for her to choose me instead? Hell, I don't think so.

She never really saw me. She never chooses me, not even as a friend, so fuck, I'm scared.

I was never enough for her, but at the same time could it be real what Lilly said? Could she be really confused considering breaking up with Dylan?

Maybe Lilly is right, I should tell her how I feel, but honestly, if I see they are together after what happened today, Lilly is damn right that I'll push her away.

For good this time.

.........................

Hello Lovely Readers,

My apologies for not updating sooner. These weeks are going to be a bit crazy and I won't be able to update every day :( I'll try to update again today or tomorrow though.

Well, I know kissing Bennett again was wrong, but at least Alex is feeling bad about it and is thinking about breaking up Dylan, what could go wrong, right?

Do you think Bennett is pushing her away?

What about Lilly and Harris? They are daring, like whaaat?

Share your thoughts with me! Let me know what you think will come next!!

Love always,
Me