Chapter 11 - I don't open up to anyone

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Ok, this has gone too far. 

It's been more than two weeks that Lilly and I are barely speaking and I've had enough of it.

We've talked a few times, but it was just superficial conversation like "Can I borrow your book?" or something like that.

The problem with all of this is that she's too proud for her own good and even if I didn't do anything wrong, I miss her. Like, badly.

Lilly has been my best friend since sixth grade and I don't remember us being this long without talking to each other. Truth be told, things have been hectic and we're both busy, but that is definitely not an excuse for not speaking to your best friend, especially for such a stupid reason.

So after a lot of internal deliberation, I've decided that I'm going to talk to her today and solve this ridiculous situation. If she can't apologize, I'll be the bigger person.

I thought I'd have to wait patiently for the first half of the day to end, so I could talk to her on our lunch break, but then I'm getting my books for the first period in my locker when I hear her voice.

''Hi, can we talk?'' I turn around to find Lilly rocking her body back and forth, while she fits the floor.

''Hi.'' I say as I close my locker before I turn to fully face her. "Of course.''

She gestures with her head for us to go to the outside area. There's still a good ten minutes until the bell rings, so even if we don't have much time, I'm glad that we'll finally work this out.

I actually want to laugh, because even fighting, we still think a lot alike. One look at her and I know this is the moment when we make peace. Exactly the same day that I decided it's time to fix this.

I know Lilly enough to say that looking everywhere but me and playing with her hair at the same time is her way of saying that she's sorry.

''I wanted to apologize.'' She says the second we're out the front door to the quad. ''I didn't mean to upset you by saying those things about Dylan and Bennett. You're my best friend and I miss you.''

I see her sad eyes and I can't help but hug her for what feels like forever until her arms go around me as well and we both laugh.

''Does this mean you forgive me?'' She asks in between our laughs.

''Of course I do, Lil.  I think I'm more upset that it took us two weeks to talk about it than anything else.''

''I know and I'm sorry for that too. I was upset that you couldn't see that I just wanted to help you, then I don't know... things got so busy with practice and the school play, not that it's an excuse."

See? I told you we think alike.

"I know you were just trying to help and I'm sorry for talking about Dylan non-stop. I know it sucks."

"You're my best friend, I don't mind talking about things that make you happy and I know you're there for me too if I need." I really missed her so much.

''Let's forget about it, ok?'' She nods, smiling again and I feel like a heavy weight was lifted from my shoulders. I can't believe I spent two freaking weeks on bad terms with her. "Finally you decided to talk to me, I've been dying to ask you about the school play."

Her face lights up and I know that she's been dying to tell me all about it too.

"I got the lead role." She looks proud of herself and I know she thinks she had to work hard to get it.

Knowing how talented she is, I'm sure she got it effortlessly.

"I knew you would, Lil." I'm smiling widely.

Lilly has always been the obvious choice for our school play. Everyone knows that. Apart from being athletic, she can sing, she can dance, she can act, there's nothing my best friend can't do and I am damn proud of her.

Unlike me, Lilly is kind of popular. She fits in every crowd, from the nerds to being a straight A student, with the athletes as the volleyball team captain and the popular ones, because she is simply so cool.

It's impossible not to like her and I wish I was more like her in that department too. To be honest, I don't even know why she hangs out with me. I'm none of those things.

"Thanks. We started rehearsals last week and it's been intense already. Mrs. Bergmann is not joking this year and she wants to do a Broadway worthy play. Musical and all."

"That's amazing. Sounds hard though." She nods vigorously. "So, who got the male lead?" I saw the results on the board, that's how I knew she got the part even before she told me, but I don't know who the guy is. I've never heard of him before.

"Oh, uhn, his name is Harris, he just transferred from England." She looks away, her cheeks slightly turning red and it's a sight I've never seen from Lilly.

Wait, is she finally interested in someone? That's new, so I definitely need to investigate more about this. I feel like I missed a lot in two weeks.

"England? That sounds cool."

''Yeah, he has a twin sister who transferred too, obviously. Her name is Audrey, I guess."

"Have you met her?" I ask, not knowing who the girl is as well.

"Not yet. I've seen her around though." I nod, still wanting to know more. "Can I ask you a question?''

She says before I can ask further about her Harris and I tell her to go ahead, knowing that she doesn't really want to talk about this guy, only raising my suspicion that she might be into him.

I think I already know what she's going to ask, but I really don't mind this time, because if I were in her shoes, I would ask too.

''What's going on with you and Bennett?'' Yep, exactly what I thought. I'm about to answer, but before anything comes out of my mouth, she speaks again. ''Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying anything for us to fight again, I'm just curious because I've seen you spending a lot of time with him and well, let's just say I saw you hugging him like that. I was just wondering--''

''That's ok Lil, you can ask, but I do want to know more about the play.'' And about her co-star, I mentally add.

"I know, I know. You will hear me talking about it, trust me. You will be my safe place to go cry when Mrs. Bergmann is pushing us too hard. That will happen for sure." We both laugh, because well, we've seen the school play leads go running to the bathroom in tears way too many times.

At the end, they all say it's worth it because the hard work pays off, just the process is painful.

"Anyway, tell me. You and Bennett, what's going on?" She inquires again.

"He's been helping me study, that's all. The hug you saw was because I got a B plus on my biology test, so we were just celebrating." She raises her eyebrows.

"Wow, you got a B plus? That's great! Although I've never seen him tutoring anyone, I must say that whatever he did, it's working." I nod.

"It is. I'll probably regret what I'm about to say, but it's nice to spend time with him, I'll give you that."

Her smile grows bigger, but I give her a pointed look.

"Don't look at me like that, I'm not saying anything." She puts her hands in the air in her defense.

"Just so you know, things between Dylan and I are going great. We've been texting each other every day, we went on another date and dinners with our families have never been better." I state, actually wanting to tell her everything about what's been going on with Dylan.

"I'm glad things are working out for you too. I'm really happy for you, Alex."

''I know you are.'' I was about to tell her about the date when the bell rings and we have to cut our conversation short and go our separate ways.

Too bad we don't have classes together today, or we could spend time chatting while we pretend to be paying attention. This shouldn't even be an option, because I'm actually enjoying studying. It's quite cool when I understand whatever teachers are saying.  

We make plans to meet for lunch and I'm happy we'll go back to our normal routine. I've been either spending lunch studying or with Bennett - usually both - and I miss hanging out with her.

She waves me goodbye, but before she is too far away, I call her name.

"We still have to talk about you and this Harris guy. It was a nice try changing the topic, but you're not off the hook."

Her eyes widen and for the first time, I see Lilly not knowing what to say.

I smile as I slowly walk to my class, because it looks like my friend finally likes someone.

.........................

For some reason, I'm not concentrated enough to study today and the silence is killing me, so I keep glancing at him every few seconds.

Bennett and I are at the library, so we can't talk too much anyway or Mrs. Milder will yell at us, which is kind of ironic if you consider that she yells to tell us to be quiet.

We don't really need to talk though, because he's not tutoring me today. He's studying his own thing, something for AP Chem I guess and I'm working on my English essay, which is one of the subjects that, thankfully, I don't need a lot of help with.

I don't really know how we got to study together if he's not even tutoring me. Lilly is busy with volley practice and rehearsal, so when Bennett told me he wouldn't be able to give me a ride home as he needed to study, I asked if I could join him and here we are.

I put my pen down and I face him for an entire minute, while his eyes are fully focused on the book in front of him. He has a deep frown on his face and he looks way too serious for my liking.

I mean, even more serious than he normally does.

"You look frustrated." I say without even realizing and he lifts his gaze to meet my eyes, before looking back at his book.

"Don't worry about it." He continues to stare at the page like there's an enigma in there or something.

It feels that this... sort of friendship consists of me telling him things - usually without thinking them through - while he's just quieter, so even if I say we've been talking a lot, it's more like a one sided deep conversation.

Why does he have to be like this? Even though he has always been the quiet one, I thought we were becoming friends and friends count on each other. He has been talking more, so maybe he just needs time to open up. 

I wish he would open up faster to me though. He has been there for me since classes started and looking how annoyed he looks, I just wish I could fix whatever is bothering him. I want to somehow be there for him as well.

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?" I try again.

"No." Is all he says and I sigh.

It's not like we're best friends or anything, but he said he cares about me, so it annoys me that he feels he can't talk to me.

Normally, when I ask him anything personal he tries changing the topic or he shuts me out.

He glances at me and as I'm still staring at him, I see him rolling his eyes.

''Why are you looking at me like this, Alex?''

"I'm just wondering... Why don't you open up to me?" I ask, actually intrigued for his answer.

"I don't open up to anyone." His look turns into annoyance and it's my turn to roll my eyes.

"Right, but you could talk to me if you wanted to, you know that, right? I care about you too." His eyes meet mine again and he holds his intense gaze until it almost makes me feel uncomfortable, but I don't look away. 

He finally looks back to his book, not saying a word, while I rest my chin on my hand as I continue to look at him.

''Why do you think you're so quiet?" I inquire, wanting to facepalm myself, because I just don't know when to stop. 

The guy clearly doesn't want to talk about it and I keep pushing his buttons. No wonder he's annoyed with me more often than not.

He seems to consider my question as he fits the table.

"I guess it's just how I'm wired. I'd rather process things in my head than to talk about them."

I wasn't actually expecting him to give me an actual answer, so I don't know where to go from here. It does feel like it's not the only reason though. 

He seems to notice I'm thinking about what to say, so he jumps in before I get a chance to ask another invasive question.

''How is your essay going?'' That's what I mean. He always changes the subject when things start going in a direction he doesn't want to.

''It's ok, I guess. I mean, it's not like I'm good at English too, but--''

''Why do you talk about yourself like that?'' He cuts me off with a clear disapproving tone. ''You always say things like you're not good enough or not smart enough.''

I feel scolded by him. It's my time to fit the table and consider what he said. He's right, I do talk about myself along those lines quite a lot. 

''Well, because it's true, I'm not smart.''

''I think you are. You don't realize that you're not only smart, you're funny, caring, you're beautiful, but you let yourself believe you are none of those things because of some shit you heard in the past, but that's not who you are.''

Ok, why does he seem to be annoyed with me? What did I do?

Since when did this conversation take such a turn? I was trying to talk about him and suddenly we're talking about my self-esteem issues, because let's be honest, not having the best grades, plus feeling like there's nothing I'm really good at, plus having to take regular medicines, like I'm broken, plus many other stuff clearly gave me a lot of insecurities that I don't know how to deal with.

I often feel like I'm stupid, saying or doing the wrong thing most of the time. The way Bennett always looked at me proves that - although things seem different now - but it's not just him. I'm surrounded by smart people and it makes me feel like I'm not worth it.

Think about it, I always thought Dylan was perfect, being popular, the quarterback and all. Lilly is amazing at absolutely everything, my mom is as smart as Bennett and the list goes on, while I'm just... me.

''Isn't that the reason why you stopped playing piano in the first place?'' His question makes my eyes dart to him.

"What?" I never talk about this with anyone, not even Lilly. It's just something I forgot a long time ago.

"Why did you stop playing piano, Alex?" He repeats the question and my entire body freezes.

"I don't know. I guess I just grew out of it." He raises an eyebrow, not buying what I'm saying.

You know what? If I want him to open up to me, I need to open up to him too and not only talk about my grades and shit like that. I need to have a real conversation with him, so I take a deep breath before I continue.

"A few years ago, I was playing at school and Dylan stopped by with his friends. They made fun of me and actually broke some of the piano keys I was playing, you know, just for fun. I felt terrible and they said really mean things, like how much my music sucked or like I would never find a guy who would be interested in such a lame thing. They said I was a nerd just like..." I stop myself for a second.

"Just like me?" He asks softly and I nod. ''That sounds a lot like Dylan.''

He seems pissed off like this triggered something in him and I can feel the resentment towards his brother, even if I can't explain it.

"It wasn't Dylan who said it, but Instead of defending me like I expected him too, because I thought we were friends, Dylan just laughed, so I told myself that if I ever wanted to be cool, I should quit playing." I'm in deep thought as I consider it. "It sounds very lame saying it out loud."

"I'm sorry you had to give up something you like because of a bunch of assholes like my brother."

Dylan is not an asshole. He was just a teenager influenced by his friends, I guess. I know who he really is and he is a different person now. We wouldn't be going out if he wasn't, right?

''I know it's not enough reason, but that shit got inside my head. I kept repeating that I wasn't good enough. I'm insecure sometimes, Bennett.'' It's the first time I admit that to someone.

I feel exposed and I wait for him to judge me, but when I look up, he's looking at me with soft eyes. I don't see judgment, which is weird as I think he's always being judgmental.

''I know." His friendly smile makes me smile too. ''You don't have to be. I just wish you could realize how amazing you are, even if you don't understand why you need to know what a synapse is.''

I laugh and he closes his book, in a much lighter mood.

Well, I might not be good at biology, but there's one thing I know. My brain is consciously choosing to ignore the fact that he said I'm beautiful and amazing just a minute ago.

We stay in silence for a moment until his voice cuts the air.

''You asked me what was wrong. I'm frustrated because I'm trying to solve an actual hard chem problem and I hate not knowing the answer. I'm insecure too sometimes." He says and I smile because even if it's a small thing, it feels like it's a huge progress.

''I'm sure you'll figure it out. Thanks for telling me.'' He nods and sort of smiles.

I think this is the deepest conversation I've had in a long time and it feels different.

Spending time with Bennett studying is one thing, but when did we start bonding?

.........................

Hey Lovely Readers,

Sorry for not updating yesterday!

I'm sooo glad Alex and Lilly are back to being friends and I won't even say how I think Alex and Bennett friendship is growing stronger! <3

I'm glad to show Alex's insecurities and the way she thinks. Makes me feel even closer to her. What do you think? I feel for her about the piano thing, but peer pressure is a real thing. :) 

There's more under the surface of what is Bennett. I feel he's too complex to easily explain and it requires some dig deeping in his personality. Although some things could have been said now about why he's so quiet or why he resents Dylan, it's not the time, because he wouldn't just say those things. He doesn't open up easily, but we'll get there ;)

The next chapter will be posted very soon! 

Love,
Me


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