Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies.
-Ann Landers

Ashley Davis-Harris

It was hard.

Hard to believe Claire Sanders' whispered words in my ear.

Since the day I started living with my husband in his penthouse, I had always thought of him as an arrogant, moody, angry and despicable man because that's what he has been with me since he met me. Then, why would I still ponder over a very happily married woman's words about the reason of my husband's temperamental behavior towards me?

But now, my own temperamental behavior landed me in my husband's arms, my legs surrounding his waist like a shameless trollop. I could blame his provoking, I could blame my gullible self but the new feelings that had risen in me by his touch were unlike anything I had ever felt. And as my eyes met several wide eyes through the windows, baring the reception area where many employees were gawking boldly, the cloud of desire lifted off me.

I felt my body go cold as the realization of how I looked to the public eyes seeped into my spellbound head. As my ceasing word rushed out of me with an embarrassment, I felt the muscles against me tense and his face disappeared under my disheveled hair, in the crook of my neck and shoulder.

His warm breath blew on my flushed skin as a groan left him. "Don't. I can't stop. I have to...." He didn't finish his words instead pulled me even tighter against him that I thought he'd break my bones in a flash.

Even I didn't want him to stop, but the way his employees were staring violated me.

I untangled my legs and instantly dropped on my wobbly legs, pushing his chest slightly so that he could see my face. "Everyone's watching."

His eyes seemed glazed, his jaw tight as he uttered. "What?"

With a gulp, I noted the huge bulge on his front and immediately shook my head, gesturing to the window behind him. "They...they're watching."

He looked over his shoulder and with a growl, strode to the window and smacked it. At once, the crowd started scrambling with pale faces. He punched some buttons on the remote attached on the wall and the shade started rolling down, barring any prying eyes. He turned, his hazel eyes that of a predator and extended his arm. "Come here." I shook my head and his other hand curled. "Come. Here. Now."

Tentatively, I walked and as soon as I was in reach, he twirled me and caged me between the wall and his rigid chest. Before I could even weakly protest, he kissed me hard but two seconds into the kiss, a knock on the door before it opened slightly. I turned to look at my husband's secretary with a mug on her hand but those hands were shaking non-stop. His swirling eyes darkened, but with anger as he glared at the poor woman and barked out. "Get out! And, if I see any of you near this office, there will be a fucking firing spree today!"

The door slammed shut instantly and he kept on cursing. "Fucking bas---"

I recoiled and ducked under his arm to get away from his enthralling body.

"What--where are you going now?"

I shook my head and pointed to the window then him. "This is wrong." My voice coming out as a squeak at the raw hunger in his gaze as if...as if he wanted to devour me. I swallowed nervously, feeling the familiar tingles. "I can't...." I let the sentence hang in the air as he advanced on me.

"This is never wrong." He said, a possessive glint in his eyes. "I'm your husband."

"I---I.."

Husband. He was right. Even though people caught me wrapped up around a man's waist, there was nothing to be ashamed about because the man's my husband, not a random man. This thought lightened the shame in me, shaped my dignity once again but...but this man, my husband; he was still the man who destroyed everything. I vowed to never let this man touch me, and here I was, letting him do more than touch me.

I backed away and stretched my arms, warding him off.

He stopped, hands on his masculine hips and stared. I tried not to fidget at his intense look but then he tipped his head to the ceiling and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. I cleared my throat at his frozen state and his eyes again, targeted me.

"Are you really going to keep me hanging over here?" He spoke in a strained voice. My forehead creased at his deceptive words. When he glanced down, my eyes widened at his still present bulge. Good God. "This is really painful, you know."

Taking a step back, I tried to say something but my mind became all mushy. I had a fair idea on what was painful but this situation was a first for me. As he kept looking at me accusingly, I blurted out defensively. "It's not my fault. I didn't make yo--"

"Oh, you definitely did." He said, suggestively and came closer. "This is definitely your fault."

The desk at my back barred me from escaping his advance. So, I straightened my back and put on my brave face. "No, you kissed me."

"And, you kissed back like a siren, princess."

I gasped and swatted the hand that tried to creep on my waist. "It was just a body's natural reaction. I did noth---"

"Then, this is also a body's natural reaction." And pressed his hips onto mine, making me achingly beware of his solid reaction.

My hands went on his chest but my traitorous body wouldn't shook him off. The feel of his manhood should repulse me since I have never felt this before but the sudden tightening inside me startled me. The burning need in me intensified. This feeling was different yet there was an eagerness in me to explore more of it.

"Do you even know how much I want this?" He rolled his hips, making me clasp his shirt. "How much I need this?"

An image of the receptionist downstairs flashed in my head and I tilted my head, glowering at him. "Then, why don't you get it from one of your willing ladies? You said so you had many after all."

Another image of him with another faceless lady flashed in my head and I could feel the dread numbing me. Why did it affect me so much?

"I still have." He admitted with a smirk and my heart sunk. "But I want you now."

The lifetime lessons of perfect etiquette instantly helped me in hiding the hurt his admission cost me but the anger at his audacity of dallying with other woman then kissing me after it rose in me with full force. I thumped his chest and he stumbled back.

"I am not going to be another one of your common whore!"

As soon the words left my mouth, my palms covered my mouth. The shock of what word I used and how the level of impropriety it crossed made my chest hurt. If grandmama or mama heard what I said...oh God, forgive me.

The rough yet warm hands removing my own hands from my face made me realize I had stopped breathing for a while. So, I took deep breaths, lessening the burn in my chest. My fingers tangled themselves with his fingers as he pulled me closer and murmured over my face. "But you're not." He said, referring to my horrendous name calling then kissed the corner of my mouth. "You're my wife."

"And that's supposed to mean something?" I asked, already preparing myself for his comparison between property and me.

A thoughtful expression crossed his face and he let go off my fingers to embrace me in his arms once again. "It could be."

My breath hitched again and I thought, I heard wrong because there was no way this man would ever offer anything more but my silly stomach fluttered. "What? What do you mean?"

"If you give me this..." He dug his very prominent part of him in my womanly part. "...I wouldn't look at anybody else." He caressed the curve in my lower back and my body came alive but his words were a major part in it. "If I can get what I want from right here, there's no need for anybody else."

No need for anybody else. Why did it make me happy? I was supposed to get away from him but here I was, thinking about his shocking offer. Actually, considering it but...but..."But we are not true husband and wife. You married me f---"

His lips pressed together and he frowned. "We married legally. We can be true husband and wife in all senses if you just agree."

But I had a plan. After the scene at the estate, my plan seemed far fetched but still, there could be a time in future when I would be able to go back to my family. There could be. There had to be.

I stared at his awaiting face and moved my head in denial. "No, when I leave and go b---"

"You are not leaving!"

The force of his words and grip made me lose my footing. I smacked onto the desk, my back bruising most possibly but I grabbed his shirt lapels to keep from falling over the desk and bruising my head too. With the intention of berating him, I flipped the hair from my face and opened my mouth when I saw the look on his face.

A ferocious face scowled at me and the enraged words spat from his mouth in a dominating tone. "You are not leaving me! You will never leave me! I would never let you!" His eyes ventured onto a spot behind me but the the faraway look in his eyes and the covetous hold of him loosening made me agonizingly perceived he was still living in past. What past, I didn't know but it had to be excruciating. "I would not let anybody else leave me! Never again...I can't let you too...I just can't..."

The strangled plea at the end of words awakened a very protective side of me and without a second thought, I placed my hands on his neck and called out his name in a whisper. "Neil." When he still suffered in his past, I seized his jaw and forcibly turned him. "Neil, please." His eyes focused on me as my voice broke and it surprised me even more than him.

"You can't leave me." His voice croaky yet having the same power as before.

I nodded hesitantly and peered up at him. "Were you thinking of Kate?"

He flinched as if I burned him, backing away, his widened eyes gaped at me. "How..how do you know her?"

"I--I" I licked my lips nervously, not anticipating his reaction. "I heard you when we first met here."

His eyes blanked as if he was remembering the scene then as quickly as he showed weakness, his mask came up, hiding it. "You will not speak of her again."

The green monster in me made an appearance and I couldn't help myself from inquiring. "Why not?"

"Don't ask me why either."

A bitter smile on my face and I started. "Just like when I ask about my f---"

"Don't you dare."

Why couldn't he just answer me? Why did he torment me with the mistake my papa did? Now, because of him, I was all alone. The stark realization robbed me of any other thoughts beside the fact that I was all alone. I had no home. My family disowned me. If I ever left Neil, would papa reconsider? What was the grantee in it? If he still didn't accept me, where would I go? I would have nothing, I would have no one with me. Just like now.

"I have no one." I admitted out loud. It was the first time I said it aloud and it hurt so much. So very much.

"You have me." He stated. His possessive nature coming out once again.

My lips wobbled and I shook my head, turning away from him as I felt humiliated in letting my weakness show before him. "I have no one because of you."

Memories of my sisters came up in my head as a slideshow and I walked further away from him, to gather my trembling self. The streets below me were crowded with cars just like my many emotions in me. My palms covered my mouth to not let any sound come out. I didn't want to let him have the satisfaction of seeing me crumbling right before him. I couldn't let him.

Two strong arms engulfed me from behind as a firm chest flattened against my back. The scent of him crowding me even more. I jabbed my elbow weakly at his hard stomach, trying to dislodge myself from his welcoming body.

"You have me." He repeated, assuredly.

"No." I cried out and glanced up at him with my watery vision. "It is because of you, my family would not accept me. You forc...." At his pointed look, I admitted at last. "You married me. I let you marry me. Oh, God, I let you marry me. How could I do this to my family? How could I hurt papa?"

His hold closed on me and he nuzzled on my neck, whispering with a defeat unlike the anger he always possessed toward papa. "You have no idea what your papa did."

I rotated in his arms and made him face me. "Then tell me."

Instantly, he denied. "No."

"Neil, just tell me." I urged with a helplessness, using his given name. Those hazel eyes fixated on me as he retreated back with me and dropped on the couch, with me in his lap. "Neil..."

"No, Ashley." He snapped, using my given name too. "I can't. I can't tell you. Stop it."

"But if you just tell me, I can deal with my famil---"

"Enough." He said, curtly. "I'm your only family. You should be concerned about me."

I stared at him, my eyes finally let out one drop of tear. "I can't betray my fa---"

"I am your only family." He interrupted, softly this time and kissed my cheek, the trail of tear disappearing within his lips.

I bit my lip and closed my eyes. As if it was happening right now, I saw my grandmama cursing me, my papa turning his back on me and mama, oh, mama, with love in her eyes for the first time, telling me to live. Live. Warm lips pressed onto both of my closed lids then on my forehead.

Live. Live with Neil. Live with my husband.

The one who dragged me to hell was still the only one who was standing beside me. No matter how we came to be here, I was stuck with him. He's the only one.

Show me how to live, Neil

"You're all I have." I said with finality, accepting the fate for once and for all.

"I know." He said and I opened my eyes.

"But you have to let me be." I told him, gaining my composure and haughtily lifted my head. Mama told me to live and I shall live even though I still didn't know how but I knew one thing and that was, I would not be confined in that penthouse like a prisoner ever again. "You have to give me freedom." Yes, freedom. I never had the freedom to go wherever I wanted when I was in my father's estate. "Then I want to eat whatever I want and oh, also, whatever I want to wear. And, and, you need to hire the housekeeper for all seven days because cooking scares me and I would never take cooking lessons. Don't ask me too either. Then, what else? Oh! I...I love to.....you're laughing at me!"

His lips were twitching but he pressed them together tightly. His eyes had a lightness in them and the amusement was clear in his relaxed features. He shook his head urgently but I could literally see him struggling to hold his laughter in.

I gawked at him in mortification and jabbed my finger at his chest. "You are!"

He finally let loose a laugh which turned into a chuckle as he saw my menacing look. "No, go on. Complete whatever you were saying." When I just kept on brooding, he cupped my cheeks and rubbed his thumbs on them. "Come on, princess."

I sighed, rolling my eyes at his name calling. That name was such a child like. Wait, and, he expected me to tell him what I love. What if he thought me as an imbecile? What if--

A tug on my hair halted my worry. "Come on. Out with it, princess."

I chewed on my lower lip and squirmed making him groan. "I'll do that for you as soon as you complete your list. So, say it already."

He drifted his hand on my bottom, stopping my movement as the other caressed my long hair. I jumped, shifting my bottom away from his touch when he pinched me....there.

"Sto---"

"If you don't say it now, I'm doing lot more."

An excitement went through me at his indication of passionate embrace but I nodded then said. "I love...I love dancing. I learned ballets from childhood. I always do it. Everyday in fact bu--"

"Were you dancing on the deck these past few days?"

"Yeah. It's the only open space. Why?"

"You know," He grinned, his white and straight teeth peeping at me. "My study overlooks the deck and the pool."

My mouth made an 'o' shape then I face palmed myself. Of course, those big mirror and one way windows. "Did you watch me?" I asked, feeling my cheeks reddened.

"No, not yet but I might someday."

"I'll make sure not." I grinned back, with mischief. My chest lightening at the fluent conversation. Dancing helped me relax and it was part of my daily workout. I didn't know how I'd feel if he watched me in my most vulnerable state. I wasn't sure I wanted to let him in that close. I wasn't even 100% sure whether I wanted to give him my body completely but the feelings he awakened in me said otherwise. He's my husband. Was it wrong of me to want him?

He pinched again and I swatted his chest. "So, what about it?"

"I need an open space inside, with mirrors. Soon, it will be snowing so I need a place inside." I frowned, searching a big enough space from my memory of the penthouse. "We had a huge ballroom just for practicing back in the estate and my--"

"You will have one in my place too." He gritted his teeth and glanced down. "I'll turn one of the rooms upstairs into your very own ballroom. It won't be as huge as the one you had but I'll put in more comfortable features for you."

Sometimes, the competitiveness in him showed such a sweet side in him. I smiled genuinely at his willingness to change his home for me. "Thank you."

He nodded then leaned forward to kiss me but stopped a breath away. "Anything else?"

"Ah, yes."

This, he would never approve. I was sure of it but I could never turn my back on them. Those two meant the world to me and I couldn't help but dying a little everyday with worry for them.

"What is it?" He asked gently, worried lines of his own appearing on his chiseled face.

"I..." I fiddled with one of the button on his shirt then took a deep courageous breath. "I want to be in contact with my sisters."

"No." He refused straightway. "They're with your father. So, they can't be near you."

"But they're my sisters. They're still so young. Don't you have any sisters?" I protested. "They're very close to me. I have a duty to them. I'm supposed to look after them."

Once again, the distant look came over his face but this time, there was a longing in his gaze. So, he did have a sister! Where was she? Where was his family? Family was something that I had been with 24/7. Seeing no sign of family around my husband illuminated a curiosity in me. I needed access to internet to find out about him and his family since my dear husband preferred to stay mysterious.

A sigh left him. "Okay."

I blinked and stared cautiously. "Are you sure?"

"No, but as long as they come to my home, I can relent." He grounded his teeth and sneaked his fingers in my hair and pulled my head down. "Now enough with the chitchat. Kiss me."

And kiss, I did.

*******

A/N: Hey Everyone.

Let's stop with the Davis-Harris family feud for once and focus on getting these two thick-heads closer. Already, Neil's libido and Ashley's intrigued mind made it easier for me. Now, let the lust and love crash!