Ambiguous Feelings

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Important disclaimer about this story:

I feel like I haven't stated enough to this point that this story isn't just a love story. But a horror story as well. Fixated on suffering and mental illness. Followed by violence and sexual abuse in the later chapters as well.

I wouldn't write this here if I wouldn't be absolutely sure that this needs to be stated.

This story is not for the faint of heart. And I am seriously deterring anyone that can't handle those themes. As the story won't be pulling punches and will go down very dark aspects of human depravity.

Your well-being is important to me as the writer and I can't let anyone read further without mentioning this.

This chapter is a good representation of what is to come. If you are feeling unwell after reading this chapter then stop here and now!

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And that's that. He signed the papers in a heartbeat, not even reading it to the end as he scribbled his name on it without remorse.

Now officially recruited as a hunter or rather Makima's pupil he got the job required suit and tie. Which he was currently switching into, in an separated changing room.

Normally recruits would need to wait till the beginning of the next month to begin their "official" work but he was a little exception in that regard. As she couldn't bear it to wait those few days that would have separated her from her dear partner. As the feeling, she felt pushed her to do her next move.

Makima explained to him that his help would be needed immediately.

As she said it herself. Capable people are always needed and, she could need some help herself cooed she to him. As she spoke to him her little white lie, in hope of him not declining she even promised him a worthwhile reward for his service.

Taking his sweet time in the changing room he assured himself that everything about his suite was as tidy as possible. Even running his hands along his sleeves, freeing them of any kind of unsightly wrinkles before attending to his tie one last time, tightening it smoothly as he looked at himself in the mirror. Hearing the satisfying sound of the fabric gliding on one another as he pushed the tie up to his neck.

Stealing a second glance at the mirror before leaving. Making sure that he looks as good on his first day as feasible.

Stepping out of the changing room he only now notice that the tie probably was even too tight around his neck. Giving him a sweet little hint on what
fate got in store for him. As he could feel that on a regular basis.

Back in Makima's office, he helped her with some paperwork. Not wanting to send him off as she needed to take a couple of closer looks at him. Doing so all the time when he wasn't looking. Practically starting him down as he sorted files in her closest.

Enamored even more as she looked at him in his formal wear. Trying to discover what it was that she felt as she looked him up and down.

Even if she hated the idea to feel this kind of way she could not refute that she was intoxicated by it. Intoxicated by him, and that just in the best way. Still, it felt so wrong but this just made it even more enticing.

She could watch him all day. Watching him go on with his day. Reveling in the delight of this innocent feeling as it took her over. As she struggles to continue her work as she kept on taking a glance whenever she could.

Even at one point resting her head on her hand. Tilting her Head from one side to the other in rhythm to his movement. Smiling to herself while doing so.


She despises him so ungodly much for what he is doing to her, for making her feel so good. Cursing and praising him in the same sentences she spoke in her head. Discovering the real meaning of hate only thanks to his interference in her life, thanks to the person that taught her to love with only his presents.

In moments of clear-headedness
she contemplates on how to get rid of him and those pesky feelings as they will only stand in her way. Pondering so much only to shut down every single thought she has herself. Reminding herself of what a mistake this would be.

Thinking about how she could just raise her hand and speak that one word. Covering the walls of her own room in his blood and guts. Thought knowing that she couldn't forgive herself for such a thing.

Forgiving and forgiveness....... Another thing he now taught or cursed her with unknowingly. Soon followed by regret as well.

She could cry and laugh about this revelation at the same time. Not knowing how the get rid of those feeling nor how she could ever live without them. Experiencing true agony and suffering. Feeling how true misery feels like as pain and distress joined the other emotions as well.

She is on the brink of experiencing true despair.

Silently sobbing to herself as her scared and bewildered eyes well up. Holding her left hand in front of her mouth so (Y/N) couldn't hear her as tears run now down her cheeks. Wandering down to her mouth and hands, as she now used both of them to silence herself. Letting her tears leak through her hands and into her by now trembling mouth as she could now even taste the salt of them.

Now.. now she even tastes as well. Licking the fingers that covered her mouth she reassured herself of it. It was unbelievable to her. She could scream from this experience. As this equaled something akin to her personal hell. A living nightmare for her.

Biting her teeth together she picked up a couple of the papers which were now soaking wet from her table. Trying to shield her pathetic state from (Y/N) with them as she asked him something.

"Would you mind leaving for a minute or two? The Cafeteria hands out food as of now. Go grab yourself something!"

Practically ordered she him as her voice cracked and her stoic mask she kept up till now broke apart more and more the longer she spoke, accompanied by her shivering hands that swayed the wet papers she held in her hand left and right.

He of course wasn't blind to the fact that her state has deteriorated so much. He knew not why she was like that but it broke his heart to see or even only hear her like this.

At first, he thought about speaking to her but stopped himself in the middle of the sentence. Not wanting to maybe make it even worse.

So he left. Leaving her alone just as she was her whole life long, though she only felt it as of now.

Though he already had a plan to help her when he comes back.


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