Dear Casey,

I'm writing today's letter from my new, all-time favorite place yet. I say yet, because they all end up being my favorite places - every single one of them. Shh, don't tell the summer-house. Or Grams cottage.

I see why you and Luke wanted to do this - travel across the country. The places you get to see - especially when we drive at nighttime and the world is mostly asleep - and the people we get to meet... I feel so lucky. Not a word I would've used to describe myself in recent years, I know. But lately...

I feel like I haven't stopped moving in months, but I definitely don't want to stop. It's like I'm not just going through the motions anymore, I'm not always trying to escape them. I'm enjoying them. I'm living them. Feeling them. Everywhere I go is new. Exciting. Different.

It's strange because the places we go... There are no reminders of you in any of them like there are back home. And yet, everything I see reminds me of you. You're nowhere and you're everywhere, so far away but still a part of everything that I do.

It's a bittersweet sort of feeling. Everywhere we go... I can't help but think how much you'd love it, too. Daisy chases a seagull or a squirrel, I catch the perfect wave with Luke wading in the water behind me, I catch a stupid song lyric mid-song, or watch Luke search the towns for their most random food-spot... and I still catch myself looking for you. Looking for you so we can make eye contact and laugh at the world around us, together. Like an inside joke of ours with no words.

I don't know if I'll ever stop looking. As your younger sister, as someone who never lived in a world without you in it before the accident, I think it might be ingrained into the very fibers of my being, a piece woven into the fabric of my soul - wherever I am, I expect you to be there, too. I look for you. Always. Forever. It's what I do.

After all, didn't you promise me you'd always be there?

I know, that sounds angry. I was for awhile. Okay. More than awhile. I was angry for a long, long time. I blamed you for a long time, too, and in some moments when I miss you so much it seems like I've run out of air, I still do. But most days, more often than not, I just miss you.

It's not a raw, crippling wound - missing you. Not anymore. Now, it's a steady ache, a constant tender spot inside. Still all the time - just not so life-sucking.

I remember Luke told me we don't ever stop feeling sad, we just begin to feel other things, too. I think he's right. Because I miss you everyday, but I also laugh everyday, too. My heart smiles again - when I'm running with Daisy, or hugging Luke. Talking to Brynn and Grams on FaceTime. The other day when Dad said "Love ya, kiddo," before he hung up, so casually. When we call Finn and he tells us stories.

But another change: my heart gets happy when I think of you now, too. Everywhere we go, I find things you'd love. Things you'd hate. I want to show you them, but I can't. So I create a list in my head to share with you someday. Or to write in my letters. Which brings me to today's list.

We finally made it to California, Case. Luke and I - we did it. We're spending some more time here than anywhere else. It's how we originally planned it and I'm glad - we love it here. You'd love it here.

So far, here are the things you'd love the most:

1.) The ocean. That speaks for itself, I guess. But you drive down the coast, and the wind blows in your hair and it has that beach smell, the one we love that reminds us of summer, and there's just so much beach, Casey. Nothing like the summer house, with the small private beach. Isn't it weird how the ocean looks different in different places? So dark and menacing in some, so pretty, light blue in others? How the sand feels different? Sometimes, I swear the ocean feels different.

2.) The FOOD. God, Case. There's so much to try. Luke wishes you were here to explore the sushi spots. It still makes me gag. But there's also food trucks everywhere and Luke and I have yet to meet one we didn't love. The one I love the most though - tacos, definitely, definitely, tacos.

3.) The art. People create murals on the walls - I can see you backing up, lining up your camera for the perfect shot. I can hear your words "For the memories," as the camera clicks. Your head would tilt to the side when you looked at your photos. You'd toss me your discards, ones I still found pleasing to look at. And the rest would go into a shoe box, or on the wall, if they were lucky. Maybe I'd find the shoebox someday, in this other life where you got to come here with us.

4.) The people. There are so many of them. Luke thinks maybe too many, it's too busy. He hardly likes the tourists that come over the summer back home. You'd like all the people here, though. I think you'd have so many interesting conversations. I know you'd hear their stories. You'd take the stories with you in your van and you'd think about them. You'd learn so much. You know I used to sit back, let you work the crowd, knowing I got to tag along for the ride because wherever you went, so did I. I'm stepping forward more now, Case. I talk to the people we cross in the street, I ask about their days, their work, their lives. Not everyday and not every person. But I know you'd want to hear them, so I try to listen, too.

5.) The weather. Duh. Think of the most perfect summer night we ever had - that's what the weather feels like here, all the time. You know what I mean.

I haven't found much you wouldn't like about California. I wish you got to live this, Casey. I really do.

But what we've done with the schools and the presentations - it's a good thing. I know we took this really terrible thing that happened to us and are trying to make it meaningful. I think that it is.

And there's something else, that I've been meaning to tell you. It seems silly to be nervous, considering you won't actually read this. But I never did like the possibility of disappointing you.

But what Luke and I have - it's also a good thing, too, Casey. You need to know that. You need to know that he didn't do the things you thought he did, he didn't betray us. Never.  Not once. I can't stand thinking about any world where you're still angry at him, where you two aren't at each others sides, so please don't be. He's only ever done what he promised you he would: he looks after me now that you can't. We look after each other.

I've forgiven him - there wasn't truly anything to forgive. You need to, too. He needs it, but I know that wherever you are, so do you. And it's okay Case, we're all okay. So forgive him. Know that he's got me and I've got him and we'll watch out for each other just how you used to.

Besides, he's my boyfriend and my best friend. You're my best friend and my brother. You see why I need you to get along, once we're all reunited?

Speaking of forgiveness... If it isn't obvious already, I forgive you, Case. You were dumb. But you're still my brother. My stupid, amazing big brother.

Ah, well. Luke is finished with the burgers he's cooking in the photo I've included - For the memories. If I don't stop writing soon, Daisy might eat mine off my plate. Can't blame her - they do smell good, maybe you can tell from the picture.

So. I've got a lot of life left to live, big brother. If all goes to plan, it will be a long, long time before I get to see you again. And it's scary, thinking that I have more years without you ahead of me than years that I got to have with you, and that someday I might not remember exactly how your laugh sounded or see how your features would have grown up on your face, but if I learned anything from you, it was to cherish the moment, to hold onto the memories.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm holding onto my memories of you so snug in my heart, but cherishing every moment that I get to live. It's what you would do.

I might falter, I'm not 100% perfect yet. But I'll always try. I may not know my exact plans for the future, but I do know that there are plenty more memories to be had. And I'm going to have them: I'm going to wake up tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, and I'm going to live. I'm going to keep making memories, Casey.

So until we meet again, I'll tell Mom you say hello. HA-HA. I can practically hear Grams: "Dylan Grace, would you stop with the morbid jokes?" and I can definitely feel Mom glaring at me. Oh well, you know how I always loved to rile her up. We can't all be suck-ups to Mom, Casey Anderson.

But seriously, until we meet again - and we will, because nothing in the world, not even death, can keep us apart- I love you, big brother. So much more than I can say in words. But I know you know, because you love me the same.

Your little sister always,
Dyl

The end!! Can you believe it? Tell me what you thought, I want to hear all your opinions! I'm going to miss Dylan and Luke so much but I'm so proud of Dylan and how far she's come. I've got a huge lump in my throat right about now! How about you? Stick around for a playlist ~ I love you all and can't thank you enough for reading ❤️
Edit to add: I'm toying with the idea of a novella about THAT SUMMER - would y'all be interested?? It's a very premature idea so I'm just putting feelers out there! My thought is multiple POVs though hmm