Jax.

Gabby looks beautiful with her little body all curled up in a ball as she sleeps in chair of my hospital room.  She's been sleeping here for hours.  Nursing staff come in and out of the room routinely and Gabby doesn't even flinch.  Her long blonde hair is hanging down in her face, her arms are wrapped around a book, she must have gone home at some point because she is no longer wearing the black dress from yesterday; instead she's wearing some gray cotton shorts and my wrestling hoodie.

This is how I wanted to wake up every morning.  Not in this fucking hospital room, but a room of our own, with her looking that peaceful.  Looking like the Gabby I love.  Book in hand, Chuck Taylors, those annoying as fuck rubber bands on her wrists that she would snap when she was nervous or upset, that's what I want.

Her being in this room with me is keeping my mind off the worst right now.  It's keeping me from thinking about Courtney, about how badly I fucked up that night by not taking the road.  No one was in those fucking woods but the three of us. Whoever did this, they had to have taken the road.  Or they went through the woods on the other side of the road, which I've never been in.  Unless they were in a fucking boat, but I think we would have heard that.

I keep my eyes on Gabby sleeping, taking deep breaths, trying not to work myself up again.  The anxiety attacks take over when she's not here.  Jesus if she wasn't in this room right now they would probably need to tie me to the bed.  We are both missing the funeral right now.  Courtney's funeral.  They are putting my baby sister in the ground today, Gabby's best friend. 

Think Jax.  Who would want to hurt Courtney?  What did Courtney tell you?

My thoughts are halted when Dan clears his throat from the doorway.  My eyes shift from Gabby to him.  He looks terrible, as if he isn't sleeping either. Just in the short time I've known him he's gone considerably more gray.  He stands in his suit, hands in his pockets and an envelope under his arm. 

"She was here when I woke up." I blurt out in panic and motion to his sleeping daughter. She's grounded for the summer and supposed to be staying away from me.

He gives a sad smile towards her and walked further into the room. "It's fine Jackson. She hasn't really slept since that night, she's exhausted."

I look back to Gabby and sigh. She told me she couldn't get the image of Courtney out of her head and it was giving her nightmares. I didn't see Courtney like she did, I wouldn't be able to live with it; I know I wouldn't.  Part of me still needed to know though.

Dan takes a seat beside my bed, crossing his legs and setting his envelope on top of them. It's Monday, which means it's my probation meeting day.

"Is the funeral done?" I mutter as I keep my eyes on Gabby.

"Yeah. Everyone's over at your parent's house now."

"Did my parents do okay? How bad was my mom?"

He doesn't answer right away so I turn to look at him. His eyes are on Gabby. "They did as well as any parent could in that situation. Your mom was upset but your dad did okay. Better than I would have done." His focus shifts back to me. "What about you? You doing okay?"

I give a shrug my shoulders and offer nothing more.  My baby sister is dead.  She screamed, she was alive and I didn't get there in time.  Definitely not okay.  "Can I ask about the case? Is that something you're allowed to talk about?"

He shifts uncomfortably and gives a nod.  "Honestly Jackson, I don't know much.  But you're her family, you should be asking questions.  I know you didn't kill her as much as you know that Gabby and I didn't do it.  What do you want to know?"

I rack my brain as to what to ask first.    "Are there any suspects yet?"

He shakes his head no with a frown.  "There wasn't much evidence out there.  It's tough with it being in the woods and it was raining not two hours later and dark.  They tried to gather as much as they could."

My heart sinks.  "They didn't get anything?"

"They have footprints. They have photos of the trail she left with her fingers in the dirt, so we know part of the way she came from.  Which we could have easily guessed anyways, we saw her at the party, they were coming from that direction.  She also had a small piece of green felt in one of her hands, fucking lucky the lake didn't get it but it was stuck to her class ring."

So there was something.  Green felt.  "Like clothing?"

He shrugs.  "Fuck if I know.  If it is clothing it will be hard to narrow it down to anything unless the perp's blood or something is on it.  But it was graduation weekend, I mean everyone was wearing green.  It was thick though, thicker than normal felt.  I don't know.  I honestly didn't see it that night."

Gabby twists in her seat, catching both of our gazes.  She doesn't wake.    "Dan, Gabby said she can't get the image of Court out of her head.  That it's giving her nightmares.  How bad was she?  I know the cause of death was drowning but I'm not sure that's something that would shake Gabby like that..."

He shakes his head and quickly wipes away a tear.  "That's something I'm not going to tell you."

"Why?" It comes out angrier than anticipated, causing Dan's eyes to glare directly at me.  Shit Jax, don't get angry around him.  "Why?" I repeat in a defused tone.  "She was murdered.  It's not as if she fell into the lake and that's why she was screaming for help.  Something about the way she looked told you she was murdered."

"Trust me on this, you don't want to know.  I can't get it out of my head either.  Drop this part of it.  Ask as many damn questions about the case as you want, but please don't ask what we saw.  You'll be better off not knowing."

I'm not going to be able to help Gabby if I don't know what she saw. I'm going to have to ask her and I'm not prepared for the look I'll get as she tells me. If Dan was crying as he refused to not tell me, Court had to have looked pretty bad.

I change the subject with a roll of my eyes. "What's in the envelope? Weekly questions?"

"Yeah." He sighs and dumps out his notebook and pen.

"Am I in trouble for missing my last one?"

"No." He flips open the notepad.  "I'm not a complete asshole."

"I know you aren't." I sigh and look back to Gabby.  She has got to be exhausted if she still hasn't woken up. 

"Do you want me to kick her out of here for this?" Dan's brow raises as he looks back to Gabby.

My head shakes.  "No.  I have no secrets from her.  I don't care what she hears.  She seems pretty out of it anyways.  She's been like that since I woke up like five hours ago."

He nods and clicks his pen open.  No look today, he's just prepared to ask his questions and leave.

"You can just do your UA from here, you won't have to come in for it.  I'm also skipping the question about where you live, since that is apparent."  His pen flies across the paper as he begins writing.  Thank fuck he plans to make this quick today.  I'm tired and honestly just want to go back to sleep.  My entire body aches from what it's been through this week.  "Are you in a relationship?  And before you give me shit for asking that, you told me that night you dumped her."

"I-" I stop and glance to Gabby and back to Dan.  I'm not quite sure how to answer it.  "I'm honestly not sure.  We never finished talking that night.  I hope we are but I'm not putting words into her mouth."

He seems okay with this answer and nods.  "Have you taken any drugs or drank alcohol?"

"No." I reply.  "The doctor prescribed me Valium to keep me mellow through this but I haven't taken it yet."

"How is the anger?"

"I'll let you know when you give me someone's name to direct it at."

He sighs with another nod.  "I hope for all our sakes that is soon.  How is your anxiety?"

"It's fine.  Still on my meds, it's under control."  Total lie.

I've come to know the route of his questions.  He will ask about suicidal thoughts and depression next and then when they are supposed to be done he finds some way to sneak in a question about Gabby.

"Tell me about the raspberries..."

My eyes squint towards him with confusion.  "What about them?  I'm allergic, obviously..."

He tosses the paper down on my bedside table, followed by the pen.  He leans over in his chair, placing his elbows on his knees and clutching his hands together.  "Jackson, your dad told me you haven't had an anaphylactic shock episode since you were eight and some kid brought cupcakes with a jelly filling to school.  You've had three this week..."

"No shit..." I hold my hands out and motion around the room.  I'm in a fucking hospital bed because of it.

"What I'm saying is that it's an odd allergy, and you obviously have very good control over it.  You know how to avoid them.  I mean even Gabby knew that night that you should avoid the woods.  So I get why it occurred that night.  But two more times the same week seems excessive..."

I nod agreeing.

"Does this have to do with your depression?  Has this week been too much on you?"

"Huh?" My eyebrow raises. 

He sighs again.  "Are you ingesting them on purpose?"

I chuckle shaking my head.  "Jesus Dan... I don't enjoy this..."

"That's not what I asked."  His tone tells me he's not being playful.  He almost seems angry with me right now.

"You think I'm trying to kill myself?" I nod, seriously on the brink of tears but forcing myself to laugh anyways. "That's just fucking awesome."

"You're avoiding the question."

"Because you're going to think I'm crazy if I give you an honest answer!" I yell. Immediately after my outburst I swivel back towards Gabby to ensure she's still asleep. Not even a flinch, still curled up in a ball with her book, looking fucking beautiful.  I take a deep breath through my nose and exhale it slowly through my mouth and turn back to Dan.

"You don't have me quite convinced on the anger question, do I need to go back to that one?"

"No" I mutter and toss my bead back to my upright bed.  I press my eyes closed tight.  Check the anger Jax.

"Talk to me then.  What's going on with the raspberries?"  He is completely focused on me.  Watching me for any type of reaction I may have.  I bring my blanketed knees up to my chest and set my elbows on them.  My knees begin to bounce from my nerves, just as they used to in my earlier meetings with Dan.  He definitely notices this.  "Jax..."

The sound of him using my nickname freezes me.  He's never called me that.  Everyone else does, but never him, not once.  My knee stops bouncing.  "I think someone's trying to kill me."

The words I've been thinking sound even crazier when I say them aloud.  He shifts uncomfortably in his seat.  Fuck, I should have just kept my mouth shut.

"Kill you?"  He nods and grabs his paper and pen again.

He doesn't believe me.

"Courtney was paranoid before graduation.  Crying constantly. Saying that her, Gabby and I couldn't trust anyone in town; that it wasn't safe.  She was acting mad.  She said that Gabby was in danger or we all were in danger and that town was dangerous.  Honestly, I didn't listen close enough.  But after graduation, she was fine, back to her old self.  I thought maybe she went off her meds or something.  But now she's dead.  That night... she wanted to talk to you about something.  It was important because I wanted to talk to you and she said she needed you first.  She's dead.  And now I keep going into anaphylaxis."

His eyes land on Gabby. I know what he's thinking... he's wondering if his daughter is in danger. Honestly... I've been wondering the same damn thing.

"Maybe I'm losing it. Maybe I did touch them, I don't know..."

He straightens himself.  "You're going to keep one of those pens on you at all times, you hear me? In your pocket, you get undressed for any reason, it's with you but hidden out of sight. Don't tell Gabby that either. Jesus she'll never sleep again."

I nod my head yes, even though he's not watching me, he's still watching Gabby.

"I would never let anything happen to her Dan." I swallow hard. "I'd die before I let someone hurt Gabby."

He lets out a heavy sigh and refocuses on me. "Yeah, I know the feeling."