Jax.

Sunday, May 28th 1:15PM.

As if I was a teenager again, my dad forced me out of my bedroom early in the afternoon to help set up Courtney's graduation party.  Part of me was happy for the distraction, another part of me wanted to stay holed up in that room forever. I don't want to function.

I felt as if I had messed up.  I had messed up more than I had when I kissed Morgan in front of Gabby.  That was to get Gabby off of my mind.  This time I chose to end it.  I knew in the back of my mind it was what was best for both of us.  She needs to get away from here.  This town is toxic and she is slowly being poisoned.  I see that now.  If we had stayed together, and Felix had told Dan what he had seen, my probation would have been fucked.  I know that Dan said he couldn't do anything, that as a dad he would make my life a living hell, but I couldn't risk it.

Dan was someone I had come to trust.  My last probation officer was not like him at all.  It was strictly a job where the guy was paid to hate me, to catch me in lies.  There was no give a little or take a little with Jim.  Dan on the other hand, it was as if he wanted to see me succeed.  That he worried about me.  Jim had always asked me the same ten questions weekly, not caring about the answers.  Dan cared.  When I answered something honestly and he didn't like the answer he would ask follow-up questions and make sure I wasn't going to do anything stupid.  I didn't want to disappoint him.

The problem was - I loved Gabby more than anything.  More than I ever thought I could.  Her face when I told her to leave town, she wasn't just hurt she was pissed.  How many fucking times did we have to end this? Us?  Always for the same damn reasons, I'm not good enough for her.  I know I'm not.  This needs to be the last time I end it.  Fuck Felix and his terms, I ended this. My choice. Not his. Right?

I knew I was going to have to make an appearance at Courtney's party tonight.  She's my little sister and I'm crazy proud of her for graduating. Last year if you had asked me if this party was happening I would have given a firm no. She was a disaster. Seeing her today, how happy she was hanging up green and gold decorations all over the back yard, I got the reassurance that she was in a much better place. Even since the graduation ceremony two days ago, she seemed better. Maybe it was just me being paranoid and a protective older brother. Or maybe the worry of actually graduating was a little bit of a trigger for her.

"You okay Jax?" My dad had been watching me closely all day. The last two days actually. Every parent worries about their kids, I understood that. But my parents had to worry more, they had reasons for it. I mean shit, at one point they had two of their kids on suicide watch at the same time. There were constant questions about how we were feeling that weren't needed, more of a reassurance that they were here for us if we had a bad day. But today my dad actually had worry in his eyes for me.

"I'm fine, pops."  I nod to him to grab the other end of the folding table and he does.  We carry it across the backyard and set it in line with the others.  Courtney immediately covers it with a yellow paper tablecloth.  She has a pattern going of alternating between green and gold.  Green tables had yellow plates and napkins, yellow tables had the opposite.  Typical girl shit, but she seemed happy so I went with it.  Whatever she wanted, I'd do it.

"Just fine?" He slaps his hands together to remove the dust from them.  "Seems like something is wrong..."

My parents still were not aware that Gabby and I had been dating.  They knew I was friends with her.  They knew she had suffered an assault and I made it clear that she openly talked to me about it.  They understood that.  Courtney needed certain people after hers, it's a healing process.  The thought that I had again taken that person away from Gabby made my gut twist.  Two fucking days without her and I felt destroyed.

"Just life.  Nothing I can't get through."

His facial expression changes.  Worry is now mixed with a bit of sadness.  "Such as?"

"Girl shit dad.  Just let it go."

"Ahh" he nods and walks away towards another set of tables. It appears he's going to let it go. Thankfully.

"Jax I want another table here with all my school pictures and the book for people to sign. Do we have another in the basement?"

I look to Courtney and roll my eyes. I've carried at least ten folding tables up here. There are plenty. "Ten tables isn't enough?"

"Jesus I'll do it myself." She grunts and hauls herself into the house.

I follow her in, feeling bad for talking back to her. It's her day, I need to accept that. Whatever she wants today, she gets. I walk down the stairs to the massive limestone basement and grab the other end of the large folding table she's dragging by herself. "I'm sorry Court, I'm just having a bad day. I didn't mean it."

She nods appreciatively. "Gabby said she'd be here at one to help. Have you talked to her?"

I set my end of the table down again and peer to Court. She looks confused and sets her side down as well. "Felix caught me with Gabby and fuckin' lost it Court. Threatened to tell Dan if I didn't stay away from her. It wasn't something I could risk. Plus, she was planning on not going to college because of me. Which is a mistake. I can't give her anything here. She needs to get out of this town..."

Her hand comes up to halt my speech. "Are you telling me that you broke up with her again?" Her voice is on the brink of anger.

"Yeah." My voice cracks like a pubescent teenager due to the knot in my throat. "I had to" my shoulders shrug. "This time it fucking hurts Court. It hurts so bad, I love her. She needs to get away from here. I can't hold her back, it's selfish."

She sighs and looks back to me as I choke back tears. "Jax..."

"I love her. I'm terrified to see her tonight. I don't want to see how I wrecked her again. I can't. And if you invited Felix I might fucking murder him with my bare hands..." I can't mask my hatred for him. "The shit he puts Gabby through is uncalled for. That kid is no saint. I know he's your little boyfriend but-"

"He's not my boyfriend" she mutters and rolls her eyes. "Her whole family is invited and they RSVP'd. Just ignore him Jax. He might not even show up. As for Gabby, it's her choice if she wants to go to school or not. Don't push that on her because you liked it and didn't get to finish, that's not fair. Talk to her and tell her how you feel but listen to her. You're kinda stubborn and not a very good listener sometimes. If she really does want to go to school and you still think it's you holding her back, why not go with her? Move out of Luxberg if you hate it. And Dan..." she stops and presses her lips together. "He's invited tonight and I need to talk to him before you. But Jax you need to be honest with him, you know how far that goes with him. You're sleeping with your girlfriend. He can't keep her from seeing you for very much longer. I mean shit, I figured when you moved out she would move in with you."

I give her a nod and I wipe my face free of these damn tears that only occur when Gabby Brooks is involved. 

"Aww" Courtney throws her hands around me and rubs my back.  "Make it work Jax.  She loves you just as much, promise.  She makes you so happy, I see it.  Don't let her go.  We've all been dealt a shit hand.  All three of us. You are going to marry my best friend and make her my sister someday, I just know it."

I let out a chuckle through my tears and nod, hugging her back.  "Right."

"So tell me, what are you going to do tonight Jax?" She pulls back to watch my face, her eyebrow raised.

I sigh and give her a slight smile.  "I will talk to Gabby."

"Yes.  Fix it.  As soon as you see her.  Listen to her.  Then what?"

"Talk to Dan."

"Correct." She agrees happily.  "But make sure I talk to him first, okay?  I get dibs on him, that's why he's invited.  Tell him the truth.  All of it so that Felix can't contradict your story.  He will agree with his kid, he can't help it."

"Okay." I nod again.  I'm almost enjoying this conversation with Courtney a little too much.  For once, the roles have turned and she's looking out for me.  She's taking this role seriously, she wears it well. 

"Now, tell me - Who are you not going to murder tonight?"  She lets out a little giggle.

"Felix?" I grunt.  "No fucking promises." Douche.

She shrugs.  "Well, can't say I didn't try. I don't think your talk with Dan will go well if you murder his first born though, I'm just sayin'..."

"Right." I mutter again.

<><><>

Sunday, May 28th 5:35PM.

The house gets a bit more hectic.  Finishing touches on the decorations are completed by Courtney.  The house fills with the scent of turkey and dressing sandwiches (A super odd Iowa tradition.  Bread on bread - I don't get the appeal, but fuck it smells good).  My dad and I make a jaunt to town to pick up her cake.  It's quite... green.  I make a mental note to skip the cake tonight, it looks unappetizing.  My dad doesn't press me on my 'girl problems' anymore, which worried me when I first left but the car ride was a good one. 

I carry the cake back into the house as Courtney runs around looking for some piece of clothing.  Clothes are being tossed all over her room as I pass it, making me laugh. 

"Cake's here!" I call out as I walk into the kitchen.  I stop when I see Gabby standing with my mom in the kitchen. They are making fruit kebabs, alternating from green grapes to chunks of pineapple.  They're going all out with the green and gold, typical Courtney.  They are both smiling, but Gabby wears dark circles which I've come to know is from her crying.  Crying because I'm an ass.  Her smile disappears at the sound of my voice and I swallow hard. Just seeing the pain in her eyes makes me hurt. I want to run up and kiss her, throw my arms around her and never let go, fuck who sees us. I know I can't, we have a lot of talking to do. It's important.

"Great!  Don't put it outside yet, it's warm out, the icing will melt off of it..." My mom motions to the counter for me to set it down.

"I don't think that would be the worst thing.  It's fugly."  I force a smile with my joke, keeping my eyes on Gabby.  She doesn't flinch.

"I heard that!" Courtney bellows from her bedroom.

"Uh ma?  Dad said that he wants to power wash the house.  I think you might want to stop him.  Party starts in an hour and he isn't ready..."

"God damnit Larry" she tosses down her kebab shaking her head.  "Never learns..." She walks out to the garage, leaving just me and Gabby alone in the room.

At first I can't find the words to even start a conversation with her.  She's glaring at me, still angry.  I don't blame her.  I continually break this girl and she doesn't deserve it.

"Hey" I croak out.

She ignores me, turning to wash her hands in the sink.  Not one word.  Not even a sound.

"Gabby, I need to talk to you."

"I'm not interested."

Her words feel like a stab to the gut.  Definitely pissed. I deserve that.

"Please, Books?  Talk to me."

"Don't call me that." Her voice is crackling from her tears. She refuses to turn back to me.

"I will never not call you that. You're my Books, Gabby."

"I'm not yours Jackson!" She whips her body around, eyes bulging.

Jackson. Ouch.

I take a step back from her and look down to my feet. "I'm sorry Gabby..." It comes out as a whisper. "I'm so fucking sorry. I love you."

"I don't want to hear it anymore." She shakes her head angrily, walking passed me to Court's room.

"Court I'm going to go change. I'll see you at your party."

"Gabby, talk to him... please?"  Courtney emerges and pleads for me.

Gabby glances up to me and back at Courtney.  "I can't.  I'll see you in an hour or so."

She acts as if I'm not even in the room as she walks out of the house, door shutting behind her.

"Fuck." I mutter as more tears flood my face. 

"Jax just give her a little bit.  She'll be here all night."  Court stands in her graduation party attire, a white pair of shorts and a Luxberg Lions t-shirt.  Took her long enough to come up with it.

"I fucked up Court.  I think I lost her this time.  She called me Jackson."

I don't even look back to Courtney for her answer, I walk back to my room and slam the door behind me.

<><><>

Sunday, May 28th 9:46 PM.

The party is crowded. It's as if Court invited half the town. How does she even know this many people? I don't get it. The fucking Porter brothers are even here. I suppose that's to be expected, Kane is her boss. Not sure why he needed to bring the younger one though.

I can't keep my eyes off of Gabby, even if she refuses to look at me. I've been working myself up to speak to her all night. She's keeping close to Dan and his wife, maintaining a fake smile. Felix keeps close, glaring in my direction.

My mom can't seem to get enough of Gabby. She really is like another daughter to her. She's currently beside the Brooks family, laughing, discussing the girls graduating and Courtney's plans to attend Iowa State in the fall for teaching.  My mom keeps giving Gabby playful little hugs, the way she does with Court.  It takes me back to when Courtney said earlier in the day about marrying her and making Gabby her sister. Never really thought about it before, but I could see it with her. Jesus Jax, you really did fuck up.

"Go talk to her" a male voice says beside me.

I turn and find her friend Cole to my left. I've only met this guy once, at Courtney's birthday party. Can't say I'm really a fan of him, he hasn't spoken to Gabby in months. I let out a huff and shake my head. I don't need to listen to this ass.

"I've known her practically my entire life. She's never looked at a guy like she looks at you. Not even Kane Porter."

Hearing that actually brings a little smile to my face.  I needed to hear that.  Sometimes it hurts when she brings him up.  I'm perfectly aware that she had a thing for him before us.  Watching her kiss him on her prom night did not help.

"I've tried talking to her." I grab a Mountain Dew from the beverage table beside us. I pop the tab and glare at him. "She doesn't want to hear it."

"Do you think if I tried talking to her she would listen to me?" Cole sends me a side glance and sighs.  "I messed up."

"Yeah..." I sip from my can.  "You really fucking did.  I'm not sure she will listen.  Morgan tried.  Morgan really fucked up though.  Partially my fault.  But she thinks you don't believe her and that's why you're ignoring her."

"I'm a shit friend.  Didn't know what to say to her after hearing she was raped.  I believe her.  She hated him, she would have never slept with him.  She didn't even like talking about sex, it made her uncomfortable.  She wasn't ready."

I frown and nod.  "Sounds like you should try talking to her tonight too.  Bet you have better luck than I do."

"Wait here.  I'll see if I can get her to talk to you." He gives me a half smile and walks towards Gabby on a mission.

I keep my eyes on their interaction. She doesn't look happy with him either. Her parents look more excited than she does. Her eyes finally lift to mine, looking pained and filled with tears. She darts away from their conversation back towards her house as Cole looks to me with a shrug.

"Damnit Books" I mutter as I set my can down to follow her.

A hand grabs my arm, tugging me backwards. "Where are you going?" Courtney eyes me.

"Gabby ran home because Cole tried to get her to talk to me. I know I'm not supposed to go over there but I have to fix this Court. She will barely look at me."

She sighs and glances back to the Brooks family. "I'll tell them she went to get ice. Hurry up. We both still need to talk to Dan."

"Thank you!" She lets go of my wrist and I run towards Gabby's home across the street.

I spot Gabby tugging on her front door with frustration. She curses at and gives it a kick. I hang back at the bottom of her porch with my arms crossed and can't help but to smile at her back. She doesn't know I'm standing here.

"One of these days you'll remember your keys, Books."

She doesn't say anything at first, just hovers above the door handle that refuses to budge. 

"I told you not to call me that..."

She doesn't turn around. She sets her forehead against the door and her shoulders begin to shake as she cries. My shoulders slump and I take the three steps up to her slowly.

"Why do you do this to me?" She brings her hands to her face, continuing to look away from me. Her sobs rip me apart.

"Because I love you Books." My own tears begin to fall for the millionth time today.  "I love you and I don't want you to fail because of me. Just talk to me Gabby.  We aren't done, I didn't mean it, I just panicked.  But we do need to talk.  I'll listen but I want you to listen to me too."

"I can't.  Stop hurting me Jax."

"Please Gabby.  Please just listen. I don't want to hurt you anymore. And if you really don't want me to talk to you again after tonight - fine.  But I will sit on my porch every fucking night until you do want to talk." She turns slowly, looking me straight in the eyes while sniffling.  I walk to her, clearing her cheeks of the wet tears.  "I'm sorry" I whisper again.

"Talk Jax.  What do you need to say?"

"I think we should tell your dad we are sleeping together.  I think we should be honest with him and tell him this relationship isn't just some fling with dates."

Her bloodshot eyes grow wide, clearly not agreeing with this plan.  "Boy, you just love telling my dad about my sex life, don't you?  Do you honestly think you will still be breathing after you tell him that?  He'll kill you."

"Tyler is still breathing.  I at least asked you first."

Her eyes roll.  She leans her back against the front door, not offering any more words but motioning for me to continue.

"I want you to answer me honestly Gabby."  I meet her eyes again.  "Could you see yourself going to school?" Her mouth goes to open but I cut her off before one sound escapes.  "Be honest.  Forget me for a second - this will not affect how much I love you or want to be with you.  If I was not here, if we had never met... would you be going to college?  Is that something that interests you?  Do you want to work in the literary field?"

Her tears begin again and she gives a nod of her head.  Yes.  She wants to go to school.  "But I don't want to go to UNI.  I had reasons for wanting to go there and now I don't."

"Okay Books, there's lots of schools in Iowa.  What about the University of Iowa?"

"I didn't apply" she shakes her head.  "And Jax you-"

"Uh uh.  Ignore me for a moment.  We will get to that."  I wave my hand.  "There is still time to apply.  You might not start the first semester though.  But if that's something you want you should do it.  I know you love this town Gabby, I do.  But I meant what I said, get out of here."

"I don't want to though!" She yells. 

I'm fairly certain that this is where I'm supposed to shut up and listen.  Courtney's