Jax.

What the fuck am I doing?

My feet are carrying me across the paved road to the Brooks house.  I don't know what I'm going to say, but I need to say something.  The street lamps are on, lighting my path on a cool Luxberg night.  Once I'm on the porch, I can't bring myself to knock.  My hand rises but falls a few times in attempt.

Everything Gabby told me this afternoon tells me I need to be here, on this porch, knocking on this door. She told her dad she loves me. That she loves the man he is basically paid to hate. He knows that I love her. If I don't knock on this door, and we continue as we are, Gabby will not have a life like she deserves. So first I need to talk to Dan about my relationship with his daughter. Once this is clear, then I need to talk Gabby into going to college, which is a conversation for another day.

Sweat begins to bead on my forehead and the back of my neck as I hover over a Welcome mat outside their door. I definitely am feeling anything but welcome.

"Just knock Jax." I mutter under my breath.

My hand rises again, and again halts before coming into contact with the dark stained wood. Nope. Can't do it.  I turn back around, walking the three steps back to their yard to begin my short jaunt back to safe grounds.

"Jackson?"

My feet stop, I didn't even make it to the sidewalk in front of their house.  I turn and look up to Dan, placing my hands in the pockets of my jeans.  He stands on his porch with the front door hanging open.  My nerves yank my stomach in a million different directions.

"Can I help you with something?"

Part of me wonders just how long he knew I was standing on his porch looking like a complete spaz. I take a few steps forward, attempting to buy myself a few more moments to decide exactly what I want to say to him.

"Dan, can we talk?"

A heavy sigh escapes him.  "About?"

There's no need for me to answer that question.  My silence tells him.  His hand movements mirror my own, finding their way to the pockets of his jeans.  Both of us feel awkward about the discussion we need to have.  I can't read his face; there is no doubt in my mind that he is angry with me for not obeying his warnings to stay away from his daughter. 

"Please?"

He gives a hesitant nod and turns back, shutting the front door of his home and walks down he steps of his porch. 

"Let's talk then."

"I don't want Gabby to know I'm here or that I spoke to you."

He nods again and we walk together silently back to my house.  No one is home; my parents are in Courtney-recovery mode again for the second time this month.  The assaults on local girls have been too much for her, bringing her demons to light through her dreams.  She has vivid nightmares causing her to thrash and scream in her sleep.  Hopefully time back home will help.

We walk to the kitchen, where I pull two bottles of water from the fridge and offer one to him.  He accepts it and takes a seat on the stool beside the island.

"I lied to you."

That was not how I wanted to start this conversation but I knew if I didn't start with that, I'd never say it.

He leans back on the stool, bringing himself to a fully upright position.  His glare meets mine and I swallow so hard that I know he's able to hear it. 

"About?"  His eyebrows lift, causing multiple lines on his forehead to emerge.  Once again, he looks exhausted.  I'm sure this isn't helping.

"I told you I couldn't love Gabby..." I take a step forward and wrap both hands around my water bottle tightly.  My nerves continue to assault me with every truth I tell. 

"I love her, and I was terrified.  Not only of you, but of her and of me..."

"Jackson-"

"Just let me say this first."  I cut him off, which is likely a mistake but my nerves are attempting to end this conversation before it starts. 

"Okay."  He sighs and intertwines his fingers, placing his elbows into the counter in front of him.

"You terrify me Dan.  And you should.  You are my probation officer.  I hurt someone, purposely.  I made a decision to literally break a person's body so that it would never function properly again.  I know you hate when I say this, but I would do it again in a heartbeat."

His head is shaking with annoyance at my comment, but I need to continue being honest with him. 

"You weren't there.  My file does not explain to you what he did to her.  It says I need to report to you for the next three years because I hurt a rapist and broke the law, which I did.  It does not tell you what I witnessed with my eyes that day.  It does not tell you the noises I heard from my baby sister.  It does not tell you how incredibly broken she still is to this day.  Rape is terrible, and I know you know this.  But her assault was brutal.  I honestly believe that had I not come home she would not be here today.  If I'm honest, she's not. She will never be the same girl."

"You didn't need to go that far with it.  I get knocking him out..."

"Dan.  You and I both know Gabby isn't lying about her rape.  A girl does not panic like she did that day if they weren't. If you had walked into your house and found her like I did Courtney - can you honestly tell me that Tyler would have been breathing when you were done with him?  You heard Gabby was raped.  I saw Courtney's."

He shifts uncomfortably in his seat, maintaining his focus on his own water bottle. "I don't know what I would have done to him. I don't know that I could bring myself to hurt someone that bad. Someone I know. She's my daughter and maybe if I had seen it I would think differently but I don't want to think that it is a possibility that I could do something like that."

"Well I did. And I would do it again. As for Jimmy's mom, it was an accident. I was raised to never hit a woman. She was hitting me, and it's not an excuse but she was. I don't blame her for hitting me either. Her son was a monster but he was still her only son and I hurt him. I was taking the hits and they hurt. My mom tried to stop her and she was going to hit my mom. I tried to stop her and she stepped backwards off the step of our porch. I didn't mean it and I truly wish it wouldn't have happened."

It's his turn to talk and I know he's ready. His lips were pressed firmly together the entire time I spoke, only breathing through his flaring nostrils.

"Jackson I don't really get an opinion in these situations. It doesn't change the questions I ask you every other week, it doesn't change that I need to be hard on you. I have to ensure you are staying in line, it's my job.  A job that I take very seriously to keep not only my family but my community safe."

"But you do get an opinion because you're her dad, and that's why you scare the shit out of me. I'm in love with Gabby, Dan." I give a shrug and find myself frowning at that comment. "I tried not to. It started as something to piss you off because you judged me before a sentence ever left my mouth."

His mouth opens to speak and I hold my hand up to stop him again. "I tried so hard not to love her. Multiple times I pulled away from our friendship because I didn't want to hurt her and I was worried you would disrupt my probation.  But somehow we just kept ending up in the same place. No one believes her, she felt safe here and can you blame her? She felt safe knowing that I would never allow someone to do that to another person, I would never allow someone to hurt her again."

He shakes his head no in agreement. We both want to keep her safe.

"I'm not asking you to completely change your opinion of me. You should have opinions of me. But Courtney and I are the only ones who believe her. She needs support. She isn't getting it from the town she loves. She lost every friend, even the ones who have known her since she was a little girl. And please don't take this the wrong way but her own family isn't even treating her the same."

"What do you mean by that?" He scoffs with anger, letting go of his water and grips the counter.

"Felix isn't speaking to her. That's my fault. He's mad at her because I called you the night of the party and told Mickey where I was going. But she thinks you don't believe her. I know you do, but you're her dad. You know she's had sex and she had to describe it to you in detail. You don't act the same around her anymore and she's constantly in trouble. The reason she's in trouble is because she's not okay, and hasn't been. She just wants to have fun with people who won't judge her..."

"She got drunk, on narcotics, at a party..."

"Because she was pissed at me" I nod. "That was your daughter at her worst, her cry for help.  That was your daughter thinking she had lost everyone."

He stands from the island and grips the back of the stool.  I'm not sure when my nerves stopped but I finally feel like Dan is somewhat listening to what I'm saying.

Here goes nothing...

"I want to take your daughter on a date."

His head snaps up, eyes glaring at me.  He's definitely not deputy Dan right now, I'm seeing a dad that does not like that idea in the least.

"A real date.  I take her to a nice dinner that she destroys with ranch dressing, we watch a novel-based movie together and she critiques every moment of it, I make her popcorn with lots of butter, we go for a walk around a town she loves... then I bring her home to you and kiss her goodnight on your porch.  That's it.  For one night, she will feel normal, she will feel like Gabby again and she won't feel judged."

I wait for him to speak now.  I didn't let him do much talking tonight. His hands are still firmly gripped around the back of the stool, his knuckles white.  My eyes move down to my chucks, they always do when I feel uncomfortable around him.

"One date."

I glance up to him and swallow hard again.  I feel my eyes go wide at the words he just said aloud.

"One date.  You have her home by seven.  She is still grounded.  I'm not stupid Jackson, she graduates this year.  I can't keep her in that house forever.  But I am trusting you with my daughter.  I may not be able to do anything to you as a probation officer.  But I am her dad, and I will make your life a fucking hell as a dad.  Got me?"

I nod my head yes, almost too fast making me appear even more nervous.  I am. 

He nods back, our agreement made, and he begins walking away towards the front door to leave.

"Dan?"

He turns back to me and again I'm hesitating.  "I know I'm pressing my luck here, but I got her something.  I need your help with it... I can't get it myself."

"Okay?"

I pull my phone from my pocket, enter the password and pull up the picture of her gift.  He holds out his hand and I place the phone in it.  He glances down to the screen and I see him attempt not to smile but the corners of his lips tug upwards. 

"Let me know when you need help with it." He gives a light chuckle with a nod and turns back to leave, but he doesn't. He stops and looks down to the book sitting on the table near our door.  The one I've been reading on the porch at night while Gabby reads from hers.  His head cocks to the side as he picks it up.

My face instantly turns red as he looks back to me.  He lets out a sigh and sets my copy of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy back down. 

"I knew her copy was blue."

Now he knows I was at the dock that night.  The night Gabby came home drenched in lake water.  The night I knew in the pit of my stomach that I was falling for he girl that quoted my favorite book.

"She honestly did go there to read, Dan.  She didn't know I was there reading too.  She didn't even know I liked to read at that point.  We sat on the dock together and read.  Then she pushed me off that dock because she was afraid to get in trouble again... I was under it as you spoke to her."  I give a shrug and hope for the best.

"One date Parker.  Don't push it." 

The door closes behind him.  And just like that, he's gone.  I'm alone again in my house. My body's tension releases. 

I have a Dan-approved date with Gabby Brooks.