Gabby.

All sense of normality has diminished; Nothing is the same anymore. My two best friends don't speak to me, they don't know how to. They give each other glances whenever I speak to them, glances that tell me they talk about me when I'm not there. Glances that say, she's not the same Gabby anymore. They attempt to visit me but they are right, I'm not the same. I watch them go to our spot at the lake without me, driving right past my porch as I sit on it reading. I'm not even sure they believe me about Tyler.

Then there is the town. The entire town that looks at me as if they hate me. That I am the lowest of low for accusing a local boy who's mother is dying, of rape. The harsh stares and the whispers hurt worse than the fact he did it. Was it a fact though? Did he do it? Did he lace my drink that night? I sit in my room trying to remember everything that occurred that night. I don't even know why I stayed. If I would have found a Tyler Porter party, I would not have stayed. I never liked him. Popular, yet creepy... something was always off about him from the time I met him. I once considered him a friend when we were young, but he was different. Why did I not just turn around and go back home?

My parents don't look at me the same. They don't joke with me anymore, they stare at me, watching me as if I make a certain movement it means I'm not okay and they will have to call the town shrink. They think I'm upset about Tyler, and I am. But I'm more upset because I miss Jax.

I haven't even seen him since I left his bed. I dressed and literally ran from his room after I woke up in his arms. I knew it would be hard to leave afterwards, because I knew I was in love with him, but waking up in his tattooed arms - broke me.

My eyes have remained wet and swollen for two weeks. That is also the length of time it has been since I last went to class. Instead I stay in my bed, cry, read, and watch How I Met Your Mother without the man across the street.

"You're going." My curtains fly open allowing the sun to hit my face. "Get up, shower, get dressed. We have a meeting with principal Larson today to figure out how to get you caught up in time to graduate with your class."

My mom dashes around my room like a mad woman, picking up random books and shoving them into my backpack and throwing clothes at me.  I think I saw her shove a Cosmopolitan magazine in my bag, that's how frantic she is.

"No" I throw the covers back over my head, returning to my comfy and dark Gabby cave.

"Get your ass out of this bed now" she demands. Suddenly my covers are stolen from me and thrown across the room.

"I'm sick."

Technically this was true, I had a cough. Not a bad one. Definitely not one that should keep me from classes, but one that I was willing to abuse to do so.

"Then we will make you an appointment for after school. You're not living in my house until you're thirty. Get up." She takes the pillow from beneath my head and hits me with it.

"I don't want to see Tyler Porter."

"I know Gabs. They promised to keep him in the front of the room and you in the back, there's nothing else I can do." She sighs and frowns at me, a look I have now come to expect from my mom. "Work with me Gabby, I'm worried about you... so is dad."

I look to her as tears begin streaming down her face. Now I really do feel sick. I don't want to worry them. I just want to be normal again.

I sit up in my bed and take my pillow from her. I smack her back with it. "I'll go. Give me twenty minutes to get ready."

She smiles and kisses my hair before leaving my room.

<><><>

"Gabrielle will need to make up all assignments missed, any exams missed and do extra credit for all attendance points missed." Mr. Larson only looks at my mother as they discuss what I have to do to graduate.

"She'll have it done this week" she promises him.

I glare at her.  Two weeks worth of assignments in one week, thanks for that mom.

"Straight to class Gabrielle.  I've already informed your teachers you were returning today.  Mr. Porter will be advised to sit on the other side of the class."

I pick up my bag and lug it to first period.  The entire room goes silent as I walk in.  Tyler glares at me, as if I'm the ass in this situation.  I spot Courtney with my seat still open beside her and I rush to it, throwing my bag down and looking at her.

"You okay?" she asks hesitantly.  She's the only person that knows about Jax, the only one who knows how I've really been since the assembly.  She's the only one who cares anymore.

I shrug.

"Well, I guess it could be worse than that" she smiles.

I smile back at her.  You definitely realize who your friends are in this situation.  Courtney was apparently the only one I had.

Morgan glances my direction and then back to Cole, making a comment.  Probably about the way I look, I'm fairly certain I looked as if I'd been hit my a truck, one that reversed after doing so.

"So you get to graduate?" Courtney whispers as the class continues on.

"I have one week to do two weeks of assignments.  If they aren't complete then I don't graduate."

"Come over tonight, I'll help you." She nudges me with a smile.

The knot in my throat grows.  "I can't see him yet.  I'm sure he doesn't want to see me."  I feel tears running down my face.  Again I see Morgan glance at me.  I know she's listening.

"He won't be there.  He got a job bussing at Mickey's."

"Jesus, now I can't go in to either bar."

I'm going to have to drive a half hour just to eat a burger.  All because of stupid boys.

"Maybe you should go in.  He'd be forced to talk to you." 

"His game. His rules.  We are done knowing each other.  He is your brother and that's it.  If he wanted to talk to me he could.  But honestly, I'm not interested in playing at that again."

"He's a moron" she sighs.  "Come over tonight.  He gets home at eight.  We will have you out the door by then."

"Okay" I nod.

<><><>

I have a hatred for the doctors office.  It was the smell.  That super clean, sterile smell.  Don't get me wrong, I was glad they kept it clean, but it just made me sick every time I would smell it. 

I sit in the room on the papered patient table, waiting to be seen for my cough.  My feet dangle as I look down at my chucks.  They make me think of Jax and the smile he would get when he'd see them.  How his eyes lit up the first time he saw them on my feet as I wore a skirt.  I click them together like Dorothy and wish I was home.

The door opens and our family physician walks in.  She was young, and quite stunning.  I liked that she was young, it made her easier to talk to. 

"Hello again Gabby, how are you?" she smiles sweetly. 

I was just here a few weeks ago for possible rape, how do you think I am?

"Fine" I mutter.

"I hear you have a cough.  How long and have you had any other symptoms?"

"One week.  Cough and a runny nose.  I think that's from crying though." I stare at the ground.  She's in tan suede heels.  Those can't be comfortable, she should really try some Chuck Taylors.

She watches me close for a few seconds, making me uncomfortable.  I begin snapping the rubber bands on my wrists.

"Gabby have you been crying a lot the last few weeks?"  She sits down on a stool and rolls towards me with her laptop.

"I'm here for a cough..."

"Well I can help with that too.  What's been on your mind that's making you cry?  Just the incident at the lake?  It's okay to be upset about it..."

I nod to her with tears falling from my eyes.  "No one believes me. Everyone in town whispers as I walk by.  I don't want to leave my house."

"Hiding and crying aren't going to help Gabby.  You know what happened, and if you know that you wouldn't have said yes, and that you had one mixed drink and typically your body tolerates that, you have right to be concerned.  It's your body that was violated, not theirs.  They don't get an opinion."

I wipe my eyes on the sleeve of my sweatshirt and give her an agreeing nod.

"How often are you crying?" she begins to type.

"All the time" I let out an involuntary sigh and roll my eyes.

"And it's just the assault that triggers it?" her eyes come back to mine.

I shake my head no.  "Boy issues" I shrug and give out a laugh through my tears.

She smiles.  "That is perfectly normal at your age."

"He's not normal."

"None of them are." She types again.  "Gabby I want to put you on something for anxiety.  We start with a low dose and gradually increase it until you are able to go into school and town calmly and stop those crying attacks.  How does that sound?"

I nod my head yes.  "Whatever turns off the waterworks I'm good with."

"Okay.  Alprazolam, also called Xanax 0.25mg three times daily as you need it okay?  Take one in the morning for sure but then after that only if you feel like you're anxious or about to have a meltdown. You cannot drink with it."

"Okay" I agree.

"As for the cough..." she stands and places her stethoscope to my back.  "Three deep breathes."

I do as I'm told, filling my lungs with air through my nose and letting it out through my mouth. 

"I'm not worried about pneumonia.  Just a normal cough with some congestion, maybe a touch of bronchitis.  I'll give you a script for some Amoxicillin for two weeks to see if we can clear it up, you call if it gets worse."

I nod again.

"Now the part we all hate..." she smiles.

"Changes in appetite?"

"No."

"Changes in sleep?"

"I'm sleeping a lot because of the crying."

"That's normal.  Do you smoke?"

"No."

"Drink?"

"Last time I did was a few months ago and I have no desire to ever again."

"You aren't in college yet, that will change." She laughs and continues typing. 

"Still taking birth control and thyroid medication?"

"Yep."

"Are you sexually active?"

Now is when I hesitate.  I literally saw this woman a few weeks ago and told her the only time I had ever had sex was last fall when I was possibly assaulted.  I have since had sex with Jax twice, which would never happen again.

"I was... but now I'm not, and won't be." I shake my head and look back to the ground.

She glances up to me.  "Boy issues?" she asks again.

"Yep."  I pop the P, letting her know her suspicions were spot on.

She stares at me a few seconds longer, pressing her lips together.

"Gabby lets start on a higher dose of that Xanax.  If it's too much and makes you too tired you can cut it in half..."

More tears make their way down my neck.  "Okay."

<><><>

"Court can you do me a favor?"

I open my bag and begin pulling out all my crap, scattering it all over her bedroom floor.  I pull out a gray UNI Wrestling hoodie and squeeze the soft material in my hands as my gut twists.

"Can you put this in Jax's room?"

She frowns as I hand it to her. "Sure." 

She stands from her bed and takes it down the hall as I take a deep breath.  I pull out my new Xanax prescription and take one of the little white pills, knowing that I'm already close to crying.  She returns and looks at the bottle.

"Anti-anxiety or antidepressants?"

I put the pill in my mouth and swallow it.  "Anxiety."

"Welcome to the club, they are like candy in our house.  Only we all take both, so maybe there's still hope for you" she smiles and opens her notebook.

She always has a way of making me laugh in the most terrible situations.  You tell your friend that you need pills to make you not sob and she admits to taking them too in the nicest of ways the makes you feel better about your situation.

"You all take them?" I lift a brow, being nosy.

She hesitates, knowing exactly what I'm asking. 

"Jax takes them" she nods.  "He blames himself for bringing Jimmy home.  No one could have guessed he was..." she pauses like she isn't going to finish.  "...rough."

"It's been two years for you guys, do you ever think you will stop taking them?"

"Some days are good" she smiles.  "I have hope I will stop them completely.  I don't take them if I know I'm going to drink and I do okay."

"Do they take away the rage?" I look up to her. 

I know she knows what I'm talking about.  I feel so sad that it builds and I feel like I could snap at anyone for no reason.  But mostly, I feel rage towards Tyler Porter.  I hate him.  If he didn't do it, if he didn't rape me that night and it was consensual, then he should be honest and tell me what happened.  Instead he creepily jokes about it and it makes me sad and it makes me fucking mad.

"Have you met my brother?" she laughs.  "That doesn't go away."

I don't respond.  I just open my book and begin writing my report on Fall of the House of Usher. 

She helps me with my homework for about two hours before we decide to make some dinner.  Both of us are shit cooks so we make a frozen pizza and sit on the floor of the living room eating it as we watch Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy for the millionth time.

"You need to dip it in ranch..."

"Gross Gabby, no!" she makes a horrified face as I take the sausage pizza and dip it.  "Don't..."

I take a big bite and happily begin chewing.  "Mmmm."

"That is so fucking gross" she shakes her head as the front door opens.  "Would you like more pizza with your ranch Gabby?"

We both begin giggling with our mouthes full as Jax walks into the room.

I figured it was her parents that were walking in.  She said he wouldn't be home until eight.  I look down to the floor to ignore him as my breath hitches in my throat.

"I thought you'd be home at eight?" Courtney asks.

"I went in early and got to leave early" he sighs. 

I can feel him looking at me. I want to burst into tears. He says nothing as he walks down the hall to his room and I am able to let out the breath I was harboring.

"I'm so sorry.  I didn't know..." Courtney apologizes.

"It's fine" I shake my head and look back to the TV.  "It's a small town.  I'd have to see him sooner or later so it may as well be sooner.  I'd prefer to not have to avoid both bars."

"About that..." Courtney begins.  "Your brother got me a job waiting tables at Kane's..."

I sigh and look up to her.  "He's nice Court.  He will be a good boss.  Just be careful around Tyler..."

"I will" she smiles.  "I thought you'd be mad..."

"No. I just lost a lot of friends this year and he was one of them.  I get it, Tyler is his brother... but I miss the way it was before.  I miss my friends."

I look up and see Jax back in the hallway, holding his sweatshirt and staring at me, like he's upset with me for giving it back.  I had to give it back.  It smelled like him, I couldn't take it anymore, I needed it gone.  Now the tears begin to fall.  Of all the friends I miss... I miss him the most.

"Gabby did you take a whole Xanax or a half?" Courtney asks watching my tears.

"A whole one." I wipe my face and turn back to the TV again.  "I'm going to go Court.  They're actually starting to make me tired."

"Okay" she nods.  She knows I'm lying but she allows it.  "Gabby if you need someone to talk to at night, call me okay?  I'll watch TV with you."

I smile at her, knowing that she just offered to take Jax's place.  "Thanks Court."

"No problem." 

She picks up the pizza and our plates from the floor as I walk back to her room to get my books and my bag. 

"Gabby you don't need to leave because I'm home."

I look up and see Jax in the doorway.  My heart drops to my stomach.  I ignore him and keep throwing my things into my bag. 

"Stay and watch your movie with Courtney.  Trillian is about to look like a slut, it's the best part..." he attempts to joke.

I zip up my bag and finally look at him.  "Why?  Because Zooey is the only girl for you?"

"Gabby..." his shoulders drop. 

I grab my prescription bottle and push past him.

"Gabby...!" he yells to me again.

"Oh Jax don't.  She's having a rough day... just leave her alone..."

He watches me close as I grab my last textbook from the living room floor.

"I'll see you later Courtney.  Thanks for helping me get caught up."  I walk to the door as fast as I can and return home in tears.

"Where were you at all night?" My dad asks as I begin to run up the stairs to my room.

I turn slowly and sit on the stairs, preparing myself for my dad's look.

"Doctor appointment and Courtney's house.  She's helping me get caught up so that I graduate next month."

"Gabby..." he says angrily.

"I can't win!" I yell as the tears fall like rain.  "I need help getting caught up.  She helped.  She is the only person in this fucking town still speaking to me after what happened!  Jackson was not there!  And as soon as he got home from work, I came straight home!  You can verify it with Mickey.  So if you don't want your depressed daughter moping around this house until she's thirty... I need her help to finish school!"

"What happened that no one speaking to you?" Felix appears at the bottom of the stairs next to my dad.  I had no clue he was home tonight.

He doesn't know... mom and dad didn't tell him and neither did Kane...  neither did Courtney..,

I look at my dad and start bawling. 

"Gabs..." he walks up the stairs and puts his arms around me as I cry.

"What's going on?" Felix remains at the bottom of the stairs.  No one answers him. 

"Syd what's going on with Gabby?" Felix yells out to the kitchen.  His voice is full of worry that no one is saying anything. 

Sydney appears at the stairs next to our brother and watches me.  "Felix..." she sighs.  "I've only heard rumors.  She will tell us when she's ready to tell us."

"Come on Gabs, let's get you to bed."

My dad picks me up and walks me to my room, placing me in my bed as I continue a mixture of crying and coughing.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you.  I know you're trying" he frowns and places a kiss on my hair before walking out of the room.

I continue to cry as I hear the front door downstairs open and shut, more voices downstairs occur. 

I focus on breathing, as Courtney instructed me.  Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes the only thing that can calm me is music.

"Let me grab a football" I hear from the hallway.  Felix passes my door and stops to look in.  "Gabs are you okay?  What's going on?"

I look to the door and see him with Kane.  Kane remains wide-eyed next to Felix, peering in at the broken girl in her room.  "No." I flip over to avoid them. "Ask your buddy what happened.  You'll get the same answer as half the fucking town.  Now shut my door."

"He's your brother Gabby.  You tell him."  Kane says angrily.  "I'm not here to spread your bullshit stories."

"Tell me what? What stories?" Felix asks.

I stand from my bed and walk to my door.  My eyes meet Felix's as he waits for me to explain why his little sister is suddenly damaged. 

My eyes move to Kane.  He was the boy.  He was my friend. "Get out of my house Porter."

I slam the door in both of their faces and