Chapter-45|•|

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Chapter dedication to RosalinaDas Happy to have a supporter like you. 

Am I gonna lose her?

Author's POV

Abhi froze hearing her words. It's like someone who poured cold water on his face.

'You lost another person in your life, Abhi. You are trash. Nobody wants you. Right from birth, everyone used you and you were an unwanted child. You are everyone's 'want' but not 'need'. You are born to work as a slave. You have no one on this earth. Am all alone again. Alone again. Alone again. In between millions of people, am all alone again' His heart and brain screamed crying. He pulled back and leaned back closing his eyes.

"Mani" whispered Sitaara cupping his cheeks.

"Why?" He whispered.

"I can't say! Am sorry!" She whispered. He hummed. She placed her cheek on his chest crying.

'I don't know if I love you, Mani!
Even if I love you it will be cheating on my Raj, on my 15 years love.
If I love you then all my 15 years of love will become false.
I never wanted this, Mani. That's why I avoided marriage.
Am sorry!
I want you, I don't want to die, I want to live with you, share my life with you, make the father of our babies but if I do that, it's cheating on my Raj.
Even if I love you and start my life with you, I will be in love with my Raj. That will be cheating on you both.
I can't hurt you both.
I don't want to be termed as 'she fell out of love.
I don't want to be termed as 'she fell in love but out of marriage life'.
Viraj was always my beautiful past and now you are gonna be my beautiful past too.'
Her heart and mind screamed.

They both sat like that numb of emotions for 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours.

None of them made a move nor spoke a word. Their hearts were racing which can be heard. It was very disturbing yet their embrace was soothing. He was caressing her hair while she hugged him placing her ear exactly at his heart.

"Do I have a chance?" He whispered as his voice is turning painful with each second that's passed. She remained silent and stood up from his lap.

"You didn't have lunch. Let me serve you" she mumbled. He stood up and cupped her cheek.

"Tell me, sweetheart, please, do I have a chance?" he asked as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"I don't know" she mumbled crying and hugged him sobbing loudly

"I don't know, Mani. I don't know" she screamed crying. He too cried along with her.

'I love my Viraj!
Am only Viraj's Sitaara, Raj's Taara, Caveman's Pumpkin.
I can't cheat on him.
My Raj will be hurt!
My Raj loves me, he doesn't expect me to leave him.
He is my life, and without him I am empty!

It's better to let Mani go instead of betraying him.
I can't betray him saying I love him like I loved Viraj.

But...but... It's so heartbreaking to let Mani go. I feel the same pain I felt when Viraj left me, left this world.'
She thought.

Knock

Knock

They both pulled back and wiped their faces. Sitaara sat on the couch while Abhi moved to the ceiling-to-floor glass window and he said '' come in".

Naman entered inside with a happy smile.

"Anna, I came to talk about-"

"Get done with it. Am approving it, Naman. Let's arrange a meeting and our CFO will look into the budget things. Make sure there won't be any mistakes done in this project. Assign it to the best team but give a chance to youngsters and it should be under your supervision" said Abhi coldly but his voice was hoarse which didn't go unnoticed by Naman. He looked at Sitaara who bent her head but he didn't miss seeing her red face, red and bulged eyes.

"You guys okay?" Asked Naman.

"If we are not, we will look into it, kindly stay out of it. Ask Dhruv to join in legal advising board, make sure he does. And... drop your sil..Sitaara at our Mansion" said Abhi.

"Am not going without you" said Sitaara looking up and her face literally scared Naman as she looked very dishevelled and her eyes are very much bulged.

"Vadhina (sil), you cried? What happened?" Asked Naman running to her and cupping her cheeks.

"Nothing! Couple things! No need to worry, we didn't fight at all and not out of anger especially" whispered Sitaara looking at Abhi who wiped his tears.

"Let's have lunch, it's already 2'O clock," said Sitaara moving to boxes.

"You guys didn't eat?" Asked Naman.

"Join us," said Sitaara. He nodded. Both Abhi and Naman washed their hands and took their seats. Sitaara served them and took her seat serving herself.

They had food with uncomfortable silence.

"I will leave you guys! After some time call me, we will leave together" said Naman and walked out before they speak.

"Let's go home," she said.

"I don't want to come" he whispered.

"I said let's go home" she raised her voice.

"I said I don't want to come" he too raised his voice.

"Is it because of me? Tell me, if yes, I will leave to my parents home. I don't want you to hurt your parents because of me" she said.

"Did I say it's because of you? Stop assuming things on your own. I want some time alone" he said turning to her.

'Sometimes? It's been 20 days since you are away from home. How many days do you want more? What do you want actually?x She asked holding his collar.

"Peace! Peace is lacking. I can't take this pain anymore. Am tired, am fucking tired" he whispered. She dragged him to the couch and she sat on it making him lie down and put his head in her lap running her fingers in his hair.

'Why, Sitaara? You know what I need from time to time. With my one word, you understood my condition, then why can't you love? Am I not good enough? Can't I fulfil a place lover, friend, husband to you and a father to our kids? I need you, Sitaara. I love you. I need you to survive. Am alone. Please don't leave me. I can't survive without you!' He thought looking at her face.

"I love you" he whispered.

"I don't love you" she cried placing her forehead on his.

"Please tell me, why don't you love me? Do you love anyone? Please don't lie, stay honest" he said fisting his fingers.

"It doesn't matter if I say I love someone or not" she whispered.

"You aren't denying, that means you love someone... kadha, Taara? (isn't taara?)" He asked like she used to ask him about something. She closed her eyes.

"No, I don't love anyone" she lied. He grinned in between his tears.

'Am sorry, I lied to you. I love Viraj, Mani. If I say that to you people, you people may not let me go to him!! Maybe my feelings for you are more than liking but my feelings for Raj can't just name as love because he is my everything and this life only belongs to him she thought.

"I am not a man this world know. I have a mysterious side that is even a mystery to me sometimes. I never had a peaceful life until you came into my life as my wife. Peace is like a forbidden thing in my life. Am tired of running behind it, when I found my peace in you, even you want to leave me" he said chuckling humourlessly.

"Since I am born I was always compelled to be like an ideal brother, elder son sacrificing my every wish. It's not my family forced their opinions on me, they won't do even in future too but their expectations did, it did force me and made me do few things which I hate. Because of that, I was afraid to share a few things with my parents feeling that my wishes may ruin their reputation, make me the worst elder brother to my brothers and sisters, it's then I started hiding things behind my parents back. To everyone Abhi is a 'perfect person who does everything perfectly' but no one understood that Abhi is also a human who have imperfections. Am imperfect, taara but to make people around me happy, reach their expectations, I behaved to be perfect but it was only you who saw the imperfect human in me, a normal human who carved for attention just like others. My parents aren't bad, they are best, it's just their 'want' to see me as perfect made me like this...kind of introvert which led to some other thing which affected my life" he said and smiled.

"I want to say something Taara, and understand in which way I grew up! I was madly in love with a girl, my family never doubted it because am a perfect man who doesn't even fall in love with a girl who is not chosen by them. I was a typical bad boy doing many bad things at a very tender age, but they didn't doubt me even then, because I am perfect in their eyes. Being the eldest son everyone's eyes were on me to clear the responsibilities when my family faced poverty, they didn't mind that Abhi was not graduated, all they thought was Abhi is perfect and can make everything right, I was bloody 20 then but I started up everything only to meet their expectations, I was heartbroken then, but everyone thought am tired handling both studies and company misunderstanding my pain because for them I am perfect who can never face pain. I was in depression during my masters, they assumed I was homesick which is making me feel like that. After Samhith's death, they assumed that am only sad about his death but they didn't understand that his death wounded my already bruised heart, because am a perfect man who can overcome anything. Am not complaining, even I feel proud of myself that today am in a very good position but...but they just forgot that Abhi also needs care, love, attention, support. Just because am the eldest, they assumed I can handle everything and don't need anyone. No one tried to understand the real me, they assumed something wrong in me and tried to take care of me according to the assumptions made by them. But, you saw the real me, taara. You looked after my every need right from hanky to my projects I deal with and I thought I found a person finally to look after me" he said with a small playing on his lips.

"I did everything that makes my family happy, people around me happy but my happiness? My peace? Except for my friends I had no one in my life you know! They tried to become everything I wanted but they couldn't because we are humans and we have limitations too something in our means" he said.

:When I made that single person my whole world, she called me molester, an allegation of forcing to bed" he said chuckling dryly sitting far away from her.

"Mani, am sor-"

"No! Sitaara, I agree I behaved badly, very badly but that doesn't give the right to you to throw allegations at me that I forced you to bed. I would be much more happy and ready to receive any kind of punishment for the thing that happened between us but you told our family that I forced you!" he said.

"I didn't tell them anything. I neither alleged about you nor I told what happened that night. If they and you assume something, I can't help, Mani. I know my basic manners. I know what to share and whatnot, with either our friends or family" she said looking down.

"Then, Aarya accused me that I forced you to bed," he said.

"Please don't use that sentence, again and again, that's so disgusting to even hear and Aarya might have assumed and accused you but I didn't tell anything," she said.

He stood up sighing and walked to the glassed window stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"Let's go home," she said.

"I will come. But I will take some time. You and Naman leave first" he said.

"Are you coming?" She asked grinning.

"For you and your beautiful smile," he mumbled.

"Bye then, meet you at home. Don't you dare to fool me or else I won't talk to you" she said and left from there.

"Am I gonna lose her? Another person? No, I can't lose her. She is my life. I have to do something to make her stay. I need Sitaara, she can't go away from me. I have to do something. I can't let her go. Am not ready to lose her and put my life in the dark again. I promise, Sitaara I won't let you go not now, not some other time" he thought wiping his tears.

Mani is broken it is the last thing I wanted. My life is like this; colourless and hopeless. That's why I always wished at least Mani to be happy but now am the reason behind his pain.

What shall I do now?

I can't kick my 15 years of love just for these new feelings that are developing in my heart.

But....but Mani?

Argh...why is this so painful and very tough situation for me?

Sitaara was pulled out of the trance by Naman.

"We have reached, Vadhina(sil)" he said parking the car. Sitaara hummed and got down the car. She walked inside and saw ladies waiting impatiently.

They all looked at Sitaara questioning. Sitaara smiled widely nodding her head making them sigh in relief and grin like fools.

"I want to take some rest. Am feeling tired" said Sitaara. They nodded. She started walking and suddenly collapsed on stairs reaching the last step rolling down.

"Sitaara" screamed everyone and rushed to her.

"Vadhina(sil)....open your eyes... Vadhina (sil)" cried Naman.

"Her forehead is bleeding, call doctor right now" screamed Dhruv. Disha who came there just then witnessed the horrible scene and stood rooted there. Aarya immediately rang Muktha and asked her to come soon. Meanwhile, Dhruv took Sitaara to Abhi's room and made her lie down on the bed. Sakshi pressed a cloth on Sitaara's forehead to stop bleeding. In all this chaos they just forgot to ring Abhi.

Muktha came inside and treated Sitaara bandaging her forehead and injecting fluids.

She and Aarya came out together.

"She isn't able to take even little stress, Aaru. Everything is directly triggering her brain badly leading to unbearable pain and fainting like this. Her high dosage pills for 2 and half years made a bad impact on her brain cells, Aarya. If this continues we can't save her. Just understand the depth of the situation" said Muktha.

"Am not able to do anything Mukki. I feel like am the worst friend. I can't lose her, Muktha. Do something" cried Aarya. Muktha engulfed her in a hug.

"I don't think it's the first time, Aarya" she mumbled.

"Happened. It happened many times. For the past two years it happened many times but today...today ..the way she collapsed all of a sudden...just like that just...just sc..red shit out of us" cried Aarya.

"It's high time then. We need to appoint a counsellor for her, to bring her back to normal. I know she doesn't cooperate but we have to make her cooperate if we want her in our lives" said Muktha. Aarya hummed still crying. Once Mukta went away, she fell on her knees crying palming her face.

"Why? Why only her? She is a pure soul. She is very kind, never hurt anyone then why is it happening only to her? She can't take anymore, please do something...I can't afford to lose my best friend" she mumbled crying.

"Aarya" she heard a deep masculine voice and felt a palm gripping her shoulder shivering. Aarya recognised the voice and turned to the person standing on her feet and hugged the person tightly.

"Save her, please. She is a very good person anna. She is in so much pain. You know she is on drugs to forget this real world. What her fate brought her to, anna? The girl who was never into such things is involved in them now just to avoid the pain. Heal her anna. Am begging you. I can't see my best friend like that. Doctors are saying that we will loo-"

"Please don't complete that sentence... please... I can't hear anything of that sort" cried Abhi.

"And..and...I love her. I can't lose her, Aarya. She is my life" said Abhi.

"To start everything fresh...a step to overcome her past is...she needs to answer few people...she needs to understand that she can move on... she can lead her marriage life peacefully...falling in love with her husband... let's go to Mumbai. She needs to talk to her people over there...clear few things" said Aarya between her sobs.

"We will... Soon very soon" they heard more than one voice and felt pair of hands around them. Abhi smiled in between his tears looking at his cousins.

"I want to see her" whispered Abhi. They nodded and pulled back. He walked to his room and froze seeing Sitaara on the bed with closed eyes, a bandage on her forehead, her face is pale. Sakshi saw him and raged to him slapping while he stood there looking at Sitaara without blinking his eyes.

"Are you happy now, Abhi? She is your wife for god sake! You didn't come home until she begged you coming to your office, she is in bed bearing pain. She cried! Like her heart is ripping out of her body. She cried! She cried that the person who became her everything is hurting her, hurting himself. This is not how you win over your wife. She didn't come to this house leaving everything to face all this! Just because she fought with you, just because you are angry at her you can't do this to her. For 20 days she was waiting for you to come, ask forgiveness though you treated her badly, she didn't even have food properly, no proper sleep too and you took her granted? Why? To satisfy your big fat male ego? Why? Why did you come now? Because of you she is in this state" screamed Sakshi and slapped again. Aman pulled her back.

"I want to spend some time with her. Call her family, arrange to stay here for them, she needs them. Everyone leave! Aarya stays back until I come back after freshening up" he said with his eyes fixed on Sitaara and went to the bathroom.

After freshening up, he came out in his vest and shorts. He saw Arjun, Vikram and Aarya talking something but stopped as soon as he appeared. Seeing him Arjun stood up and hugged him.

"Take care of her" he whispered and pulled back leaving the room along with Aarya. Vikram looked at him and for the first time, he didn't feel any bad vibes but felt brotherly vibes.

Vikram hugged him and on its according to Abhi's hands wrapped around him. Strangely...they felt different emotions...yet soothing one...very soothing like they needed for a long time. Vikram pulled back and left the room.

'I don't care what you call me, love. I don't care what people accuse me of. I don't care if you accuse me that I molested you. I fucking don't care. All I need is you and only you, love. I will never leave you until my last breath. I truly love you' he thought looking at her and laying beside her pulling her into his arms covering themselves with Duvet.

She opened her eyes as a tear rolled down her eyes and she smiled.

"I will never leave you even if you push me away, love" he whispered and kissed her bandaged forehead.

***********

Don't be angry at Sitaara! It's not easy to forget a person we loved since we are kids. It's really fucking hard to let go of a man, one dreamt her life with. Above all that, her partner's death wasn't a normal one but murder and it's not easy to come out of that trauma.

It takes time to accept her Mani. Next few chapters gonna unfold many mysteries with new beginnings.

Surya.

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