James

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"So Amy and I are cool now, and I'm still friends with Farrah and Rachel too," Harlee told me.

"I'm surprised she and Farrah forgave you," I remarked.

"Same. I really never expected Farrah too after how much she liked Evan."

After Harlee and I made our promise to one another, the conversation turned to what we'd been up to the past month. Harlee told me that she had reconciled with both Farrah and Amy and that Rachel and Farrah had reconciled with one another too.

I remembered how I used to feel jealous of Rachel and Farrah when Harlee first started hanging out with them, but now I didn't feel that way at all.

I still didn't understand how Harlee and Farrah had become such good friends, but however it had happened, Farrah clearly meant a lot to Harlee, so I felt glad they were on good terms again.

"I'd say that's almost as surprising as Jasper agreeing to call a truce with me," I told her.

"You and Jasper called a truce?" Her eyes widened in astonishment.

"Yeah." I nodded at her.
"Yesterday at the pool, he came to try and start another fight between me and him out of retaliation for the bonfire. But then
I told him I didn't regret standing up to him, and I'd do it again if necessary. And he seemed shocked about that.
Then I told him we've hated each other for years, and maybe it's time to just leave the past behind us.
He surprisingly agreed, and then we shook on it.
After we did, though, I remembered something though and realized the truce needed to have a contingency."

"What's the contingency?" she asked.

"Well, I asked him if he'd apologized to you, and he said no, which I had a feeling he hadn't.
So I told him our truce was contingent on that."

Harlee smiled.

"James, you didn't have to do that," she said, "I honestly couldn't care less if he never speaks to me again."

"I know you don't, but what he did was really out of line. Really, really out of line.
He had no right to put his hands on you like that.
Even though you said you were okay, he could have really hurt you, Harlee."

She nodded understandingly.

"He should say he's sorry tomorrow at school. When I brought up the subject, he did actually look kind of regretful and said he'd talk to you at school," I told her.

"Wow, that's so...un-Jasper of him," she said, stunned.

"I know, right. Maybe he's finally growing up. Mike follows everything he does, so maybe he'll learn to do the same."

"If not, feel free to punch him too," Harlee joked.

"Noted," I laughed.

"What have you been up to this month?" She sat closer to me. "Were you able to enjoy your vacation at all?"

"Not really, but I faced another one of my fears during it." I picked up my phone and opened my camera gallery app then started showing her some of the pictures I'd taken of the beaches in Florida.

"Still wouldn't want to go out for the swim team or anything. Sorry," I told her, "But I'm fine with going swimming for fun now."

Harlee smiled.
"I'm really proud you did, James.
You faced a lot of your biggest fears this summer."
She paused then added,
"We both did."

I raised my eyebrows, not following.

"What fear did you face?" I asked. "You're like not afraid of anything."

Harlee shook her head at me. "That's not true.
I am afraid of some things, James."

I cocked my head in confusion.
"I have watched you try climbing a one-hundred-foot tall water tower like it's a jungle gym. And I've watched you climb out of a two-story bedroom using your bedsheet as a rope without hesitating.
So, what exactly are you afraid of, Harlee?"

Harlee laughed at that and said,
"It wasn't a fear I thought was possible until May.
But it was still a fear I had to face."

Her face turned serious then she answered,
"I was afraid of losing our friendship, James.
Why do you think I did everything I could to keep that from happening?"

I didn't know what to say to that.

The shame returned again, leaving me wordless momentarily.

All this time, I'd seen Harlee as so fearless.
But the truth of the matter was, she had things she was afraid of just like I did.

An image of Harlee crying in her yard that day when I'd cut things off again flashed through my mind.

Looking back, it was as if her tone and her expression were both saying,
"This can't be happening again."

She really had been afraid.

And I'd made her fear come true twice.

I suddenly felt a need to start apologizing again.

"Harlee, I'm really sorry-" I started.

"James, it's okay. No more apologies, remember?" she said, "I didn't say that to make you feel bad. I just wanted you to realize I have fears too is all."

I nodded my head, exiting my gallery app.

After I did, Harlee's eyes stayed focused on my screen.

"But hey, are you going to change it back now?" she asked after a second.

"Change what back?"

"Your wallpaper."

"Oh, yeah, definitely," I said, "Want to take a new picture for it now?"

"Yeah." She smiled. "And I want to post it because I feel like we haven't in forever, and I miss that."
She picked her phone up and opened the Swiftgram camera app.

Harlee never did unfollow or block me on there or on any other social media, not even after the bonfire, which took me by surprise.

It was one thing for her not to the first time I ended our friendship and another thing for her not to the second time. But you'd think after telling me to stay out of her life, she'd take the measures to make sure I did so.

We snapped a few selfies together, and then Harlee posted her favorite out of them to her Swiftgram. After she set her phone down, I resolved I'd change my wallpaper later and decided to ask Harlee why she'd never blocked or unfollowed me throughout all this.

"Evan told me you blocked his number at some point, but you never blocked me anywhere. How come you didn't? After the second time I ended our friendship, I thought you would. And I really thought you would after the bonfire, but you never did. Why?"

"I can't say I never considered it," she laughed. "Especially not after the Fourth, but it's just something I could never go through with.
I don't know if you remember, but the day you sent me that text, I came over and came to your bedroom door, and you sounded really upset.
And the day after at school, you looked really upset, so I could tell something was seriously wrong.

I wasn't gonna block you if you really needed me."

"Oh...yeah. I remember both," I said, recalling the painful memories.

The day that I called off Harlee and my friendship the first time, I did everything to keep from crying. But the morning after, things started to really set in, and all bets were off.

It had hit me how much all of this must have been hurting her and how much I already missed her, so I was hysterical.

If there hadn't been a math exam that day, I'd have skipped school because I was just that miserable.

I couldn't eat my lunch that day, so I spent the entire period in the library, trying to calm myself down.

The hurt of losing her and the pain of knowing how much she was hurting was just too much for me.

And I didn't make it any better by listening to I am in love with my best friend on repeat for those two days straight.

When Harlee came to my house a few minutes after I'd sent her that text, I'd actually been listening to it but stopped when she came to my bedroom door.

I realized now would be a good time to finally show her that song, as well tell her the truth about that incident and the other time I prevented her from hearing the song.

"That day you came to my room, I'd been listening to a song," I said, walking over to my bed to get my earplugs off it.

"And when I heard your voice, I shut it off because I didn't want you to hear it."
I sat back down beside her.

"Do you remember that Saturday at your house when I threw my phone at your fridge to keep you from getting on the phone?"

"Yeah," she laughed, "I still don't know how your phone survived that. Why?"

"That and what I said about the birthday present were cover-ups," I said,
"I'd been trying to keep you from hearing the song then too.
I was gonna try confessing to you that day at your house, and the song had been up on my phone. Because I'd wanted to show it to you when I confessed."

I handed her my earplugs then turned on the song for her to listen to it once she'd put them in.

Harlee started blushing and smiling just a few seconds in, letting me know she loved the song.

But telling her the truth about those two days made me realize there were still a lot of instances like it that she deserved to know the truth about.

I didn't want there to be any more secrets between us; I wanted everything out in the open.

So after she finished listening to the song, I began telling her the truth about every instance I could recall where I'd lied to her to conceal my feelings starting from when the feelings started all the way up to the more recent incidents.

"We'd had such an awesome night, and it felt like confessing could be the perfect way to end the night.
But it also felt like it could be the perfect way to ruin it, so I lost my nerve again,"
I said, finishing up my confession of how I'd wanted to tell her the truth the night we sneaked out for milkshakes.

Harlee was silent as she was taking it all in.

"Are you okay?" I asked after a second.

"Kind of," she said, nodding.

"In hindsight, it all is just really sad because I thought we told each other everything. But what's sadder is that you were going through it all alone.
It hurts that you weren't honest, yeah. But since we became friends, I've never liked you to go through anything alone," she said.

"Just as long as there are no more secrets, right, James?" she asked.

"No, no more secrets, I promise," I assured her.

Harlee exhaled then seemed to remember something.

"Well, I have a secret," she told me, "But it's not life-changing or anything. It's pretty minor, but it's something I haven't told you out of concern for your feelings."

"Okay." I nodded, wondering what it could be.

Harlee was always so upfront and honest about everything.

I never really considered she might be hiding anything from me.

"It wasn't a lie," she said quickly, "Don't worry.
It's just something I haven't said. And it's honestly kind of mortifying."

She toyed with her new bracelet and lowered her eyes.

"So, it's um...something about Jasper. But you have to promise not to worry about it, James."

Jasper?

The mentioning of his name concerning the secret threw me off even more.

Then I started feeling worried, angry, and all my violent urges toward him suddenly returned.

If he'd done something to make Harlee uncomfortable, he could forget about the truce.

Because depending on what it was he'd done, I might very well end up punching him again.

"What is it, Harlee?" I asked, trying to keep myself calm until I knew what the secret was.
"He didn't try and kiss you, did he?"

"What?" Harlee looked up, wearing a look of abhorrence.

"No freaking way. Or I'd have slapped him so hard he wouldn't remember his full name," she said.

I laughed at that.

"Today was my first kiss, James."

I nodded, waves of relief pouring over me.

"Mine too," I told her then asked, "Then what was it you wanted to tell me about him?"

She hesitated again for a moment then confessed to me,
"That I actually used to have a crush on him in fourth grade."

She closed her eyes in embarrassment.
"I stopped liking him after seeing how he treated you. I never told you because, for one, it was never really a big deal because it wasn't a huge crush."

She reopened her eyes.
"And two, you were always comparing yourself to him anyways I felt like it'd hurt a lot to find out your best friend used to like the guy that bullied you. I'm glad I didn't tell you still because I feel like it would have been really difficult for you to have secretly liked me and worry about me liking him all of this time."

I nodded at the confession, thinking it all over.

She'd been considerate not to tell me, and her assumption on how it'd have affected me had been spot on.

It would have been way more arduous to deal with my secret feelings for her as well as worrying about her falling for Jasper again.

"When you realized he liked you, none of those feelings for him returned?" I asked after a second.

The expression of abhorrence reappeared on her face.

"No," she said, "Even if he's grown up some, all the stuff he's done in the past to you and others, I could never like someone like him. And he doesn't seem to have much of a personality without his meanness," she told me.

"And also, James, you should know that I don't think he really liked me. Like I said, he ignored me pretty much the entire day that day we went to the beach. And at the bonfire, the only times he talked to me were when I was talking to you."

"I know. I wondered if he was using you too.
But then looking back, some of the things he's done make me think he may have actually liked you," I told her.

"Like what?"

"You're the only person he's ever showed any remorse toward. At least, from what I can tell."

"Huh," she said then seemed to think it over for a moment then explained,

"Well, the way I see it, there are three theories.
One, he liked me since Fairington, and that's why he's always teased us about being more than friends because he was actually jealous.
Then when our friendship ended, that made him feel like he had a shot.
Two, he started liking me this May, and our friendship ending made him feel like that was his opportunity.
Or three, he was using me to get to you the entire time and never had any feelings for me at all."

I thought over the theories for a moment.

To me, the first one made the most sense in hindsight.

I'd observed some of Harlee's insults toward Jasper faze him in the past.

And as I'd told Harlee, she was the only person I'd ever seen him show any remorse toward.

Even if it always was only a little bit.

I mean, it all adds up... I thought to myself, worriedly.

Jasper hated me more after Fairington, and I never could understand why.

Maybe Harlee was why. Maybe he was jealous.

If he's liked her since Fairington, then that means he's liked her longer than I have.

Maybe he even liked Harlee before Fairington, and seeing her choose me over him made him hate me more.

And if either is the case, it's highly unlikely he just got over her after one ruined date...

No wonder he was so agreeable when I told him to apologize...I realized.

I hope he doesn't think apologizing to her means Harlee is gonna give him a second chance??

The only thing that didn't make sense about this theory was how he had ignored Harlee when he spent time with her instead of taking the time to get to know her.

But maybe he was just nervous and hadn't known what to say.

I felt uneasy.

I didn't want Jasper crushing on Harlee anymore, especially not since he seemed to be maturing all of a sudden.

What if she starts liking him again? I wondered.

What if she starts liking him more than me?

Harlee must have picked up on my feelings because she said,
"Whatever his reasonings are, it doesn't matter because the feelings aren't reciprocated.
So, please don't stress about, James."

Her voice was laced with concern like she couldn't tell if she'd made the right decision by confessing this secret to me.

"Okay, yeah, it's fine," I told her, not wanting her to regret confiding in me.

I still felt worried, though.

I made a mental note to be around tomorrow whenever Jasper apologized.

"Farrah is spamming me for details about you and me reconciling since we posted that picture," Harlee changed the subject, looking down at her phone.
"Do you mind if I update her about us?"

She held up her phone for me to read her group chat messages between her, Farrah, and Rachel.

Farrah had put the picture Harlee, and I had just taken in the group chat and edited it to say, Jarlee forever on it surrounded by heart, flower, and wedding emojis.

Rachel had replied, asking, wait, is that picture recent? (She didn't have social media, so she hadn't seen it yet.)

And Harlee had replied, Yup. We just took it. 😊 but hadn't messaged anything else.

Farrah sure had, though.

She'd sent so many texts in reply to Harlee's message that I couldn't even read them all.

What happened???!???

SPARKLY HARLEE

WHAT HAPPENED???

REPLYYYYYYYYYY.

When Harlee didn't say anything, she just kept spamming.

WHEN IS THE WEDDING???? 💍💍

CAN I PICK THE AISLE SONG??? 🎵🎵🎵

Can I do your wedding makeup????? 💅

Are you gonna curl your hair for it?????

Farrah, CALM YOURSELF, said a message from Rachel in response.

But tbh we are kind of dying over here, Harlee; you can't just say that and leave us hanging like that, Rachel texted next.

And then yet another message from Farrah popped up saying,

Okay, I'll stop spamming now. But send us a picture of the engagement ring once you can!!

Then another:

I'm gonna go search up wedding dresses!!

And then another:

Harlee Yasmine Whitmire will be such a beautiful name!!!!!!!

I glanced back up at Harlee.

"Yeah, maybe it's not a good idea to tell Farrah anything else yet," I told her.

"Why not?" she laughed, setting down her phone.

"That photo. Those texts," I said then went on,
"Her party in May. Sixth grade?
Don't you remember that sixth grade Valentine's day poll where she nominated Jarlee for the school's cutest couple?"

Harlee nodded and recalled, "She and her friend Beth demanded a recount when we lost to Zachary Michaels and Hannah Porter."

"Exactly. If we tell her anything else, she'll have a Jarlee forever hashtag trending by lunchtime tomorrow."

Harlee giggled at that.
"But that was because she really did think we were a couple in sixth grade.
After that Valentine's day poll, you and I finally set her straight that we were just friends, and she realized that."

"She must not have taken us seriously though 'cause she tried to get us to kiss at her party," I pointed out.

"No, she did take us seriously.
It was when she and I became friends, that she could see how much I cared about you and started wanting us to be as she put it, 'whatever we are to each other again,'
But when I told her to get off the Jarlee thing after the party incident, she did. So if I tell her not to mention this, she'll respect it."

"Okay." I nodded.
"It's your call. Honestly, I've never really understood who she really wants together for sure because she's really flighty with her matchmaking.
One minute she was trying to set me up with Hyland, the next minute she was trying to get me to