Chapter four: Acceptance

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James

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Harlee was ubiquitous, it seemed.

Everywhere I went, it was like her presence followed me.

Not because she was necessarily following me, but more because memories of her were. The two of us had made years worth of memories all around Winnington, in our neighborhood, and in our homes, so they weren't something I could escape that easily.

It was almost like the universe was trying to remind me of how much I was giving up.

As if I needed a reminder at all.

I knew the severity of what I was doing.

That didn't change the fact I had to do it.

This time it was my phone wallpaper bothering me as I sat alone on my bedroom floor. The wallpaper was a picture of Harlee and me; we were at the ice cream shop clinking our cones together like they were glasses of wine. Harlee had a gleeful smile on her face, and I was in the middle of a laugh when the photo was taken.

Before the memory could upset me too much, I changed my wallpaper to a picture of Evan and me. Then I got up and snatched the photo of her and me from the corner of my mirror so it couldn't keep frustrating me either.

There was no sense in torturing myself even more.

My plans to keep Evan in the dark about Harlee and me were foiled that night when he asked me about Farrah's party. She'd sent virtual invitations for an end-of-the-school-year party out that night, and both he and I had received one of them. I knew Harlee was probably one of the first people to receive an invite to the party, meaning she'd be there too.

That was the last thing I needed.

I'd successfully avoided her all around school and in our neighborhood. But at a party, it may prove more difficult.

Especially since Evan didn't know that I was avoiding her, and he wanted to attend the party together.

I was sitting in my bedroom, glaring down at the phone screen before me, trying to will the invitation to disappear. In a cursive font, Farrah had written RSVP with little hearts surrounding the letters. When Evan sent me a screenshot of his, I noticed his invitation was covered in hearts entirely.

I felt like Farrah had a thing for him.

She'd gone all out on everyone's invitations, but she'd really gone all out on his invite.

"I wonder if there is some way I can get my invite revoked," I mumbled to myself. A message from Evan popped up on my screen, and I immediately clicked on it. I was wasting time thinking about the situation with Harlee. No amount of regret or angst about it would change my decision. So I just needed to let it go.

Evan had chat messaged me, asking if Harlee was going to tag along with us to the party.

I bit down on my lip cautiously.

How was I supposed to word this?

How could I tell him Harlee and I had stopped being friends?

My fingers tapped the keyboard, but everything I typed, I immediately erased. I didn't want to give him an explanation for why our friendship had ended. I just wanted him to know it had, so he could stop bringing it up.

After a few seconds of trying to figure out what to type, I sent him a blunt message saying,

Harlee and I aren't friends anymore, Evan. Don't ask me why.

The message was seen by him immediately, and the app let me know he was typing a response.

What??? Why?? he messaged me back.

I rolled my eyes at his blatant disregard for what I'd said, then I typed back a short and simple answer.

It doesn't matter why. We just aren't, okay?

Evan didn't say anything for a minute, although it said he'd read my message.

I started typing an apology for my rudeness, but before I could send it, he replied, Did you have a fight?

My eyes rolled again.

Why was he being so relentless about this?

Couldn't he just let bygones be bygones?

You don't want it gone either, James, a little voice inside me said.

You just think you do.

Ignoring it, I sent Evan a reply,

No, there was no fight, Evan. Harlee and I aren't friends anymore, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't spam me for details on why.

My phone began ringing then, and it was no surprise that Evan's name was the one on the caller ID. I was hesitant to pick up, but on the fourth ring, I finally did.

"What is actually happening right now?" he lashed out at me right after I pressed answer. "How can you two just stop being friends with each other??

Do you know how many people would DREAM of having a friendship like yours? And you two are just going to throw it all away?"

The truth in his statements felt like a harsh slap in the face from reality.

A sigh escaped my lips as I answered him, "Harlee and I are just different people, Evan; we're not the same anymore, okay? It just doesn't work out."

Evan went silent for a moment, probably to ponder this. I could tell he was still upset with me, and I wondered how long it would take to calm him down. I really didn't have the energy to deal with drama tonight. My day had been frustrating enough.

"If you're not going to tell me why, can you at least tell me if it's forever?" his voice asked sadly through the phone.

The words spent my mind spiraling with questions for myself about the situation.

Is this really the end of me and Harlee?

This isn't just any friendship; we're like the goals of friendship. How can I just throw all that away?

But all my voice said was, "It's forever, Evan."

And my tone was definite, despite everything in me screaming the opposite.

"It's better this way; believe me," I said, more so trying to convince myself than him.

"I don't know how the heck you could possibly think that, James. I hope you'll come to your senses someday before it's too late," he told me, sounding extremely disappointed. "That's why you never hang out anymore. That's why..." his voice trailed off, leaving us in silence for a few seconds.

"This doesn't just ruin things between you and Harlee, though," he started up again. "What happens to the three of us? We are all such a good group of friends."

"You can still be friends with Harlee if you want to, Evan. I'm not asking you not to be," I said. Although deep down inside, I didn't want him to. Evan continuing his friendship with Harlee would only make me feel left out.

Evan seemed to read my mind because he replied, "Won't that be difficult for you? If Harlee and I are hanging out, and you aren't a part of it?"

"No, because I don't want to be a part," I lied, hoping he'd believe me.

He didn't at all.

"I don't believe that for a second," he scoffed. "You were Harlee's friend before I was. There's no way you're okay with us staying friends and you not being a part of it. Don't even pretend like you would be."

"I don't want to be friends with Harlee anymore, Evan," I stated.

Now, that part wasn't a lie.

I didn't want to be Harlee's friend anymore.

Otherwise, I would not have called things off.

"Alright. Well, then...I guess I won't be either," he mumbled, sounding hesitant.

"Evan, no-" I attempted to protest.

But he cut me off. "I don't want to make this harder for you, James. You may not hear it in your voice, but I can. This is obviously affecting you a lot. If it makes you feel better, I'll stay away from Harlee too," he reassured me.

Relief washed over me, but I was simultaneously ridden with guilt.

Breaking up my friendship with Harlee was one thing, but ending her friendship with another person?

It didn't feel like a noble thing to do.

It actually felt malice.

But since ending things with Harlee had been a selfless decision, in my opinion, I resolved it was okay to be selfish just once.

"That would actually help a lot, Evan," I told him.

"Then that's what I'll do," he immediately agreed. "So, are you excited about Farrah's party?"

I felt grateful to him for switching topics. He really did understand how hard this was for me. Evan was a good friend.

"Not really," I replied whilst leaning onto the backboard of my bed. I'd been sitting up straight for the majority of our conversation because of how engaged I was in it.

"Because you're worried you'll see Harlee there?" he asked.

"Yup. Very much so. But I'll just have to avoid her like I've been doing; we can still have a fun time."

Evan, probably still raw from everything I'd just told him, took a minute to reply.

"Yeah, we can. So, you said there were not hearts all over your invitation?" he asked, switching subjects again.

I realized then he wasn't just doing that out of concern for me. This was all hitting him pretty hard too.

I didn't press it though. "Nope, Farrah seemed to make yours special, Evan," I teased with a laugh.

Evan seemed to be troubled by this.

He didn't like the idea of Farrah Harrington having a crush on him. Honestly, I would have felt the same way in his position. Farrah wasn't exactly the most enjoyable person to be around. She was nice, but she was also a bit of a snob. On seventh-grade picture day, she asked me why I had worn my play clothes instead of my good clothes to school. I'd been wearing an old blazer hand-me-down from my cousin with a pair of jeans. Apparently, it was the jeans that had thrown her off.

In response to her obvious disgust, I told her they were my "good clothes." She raised her eyebrows and didn't say anything else to me.

Farrah was just not the kind of person you wanted crushing on you. She'd try and morph you into something that met her definition of perfection.

"Why would she do that?" he said, sounding frustrated. "Why does she always have to single me out like that? Does she have any idea how awkward that is for me?"

"I have an idea why," I continued teasing but kept my tone playful. I didn't want to bother him too much after how considerate he'd been to me that evening.

The sound of my sister calling me for dinner interrupted our conversation. Evan scoffed at the same time she yelled my name from the bottom stair.

"Hey, if you don't get down here, I'm eating your plate, James!" Lizzie shouted at me. The smell of dinner wafting from the kitchen was enough to pull me away from my phone.

"Hey, I gotta go, dude; see you in school tomorrow, okay?" I told him hurriedly, knowing full well Lizzie always acted on her threats, whether it was yanking me from my bed or devouring my evening meal.

"Oh...yeah, sure thing," Evan said, sounding like he had more to say than just goodbye.

I blamed it on my sudden announcement about Harlee. It was probably still impacting him.

I knew it would take time for him to accept it.

Because I was still trying to accept it myself.


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