James

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"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" I yelled at myself angrily.

I was sitting on my bed, thinking about the conversation Harlee and I had just had. I could not believe how poorly I'd handled the situation.

I made her cry!

How could I have been so stupid?

Why didn't I just tell her the truth??

I threw my head back in fury, forgetting there was a wooden headboard

behind me.

My head smacked against it.

Hard.

The pain made me even more furious.

I started taking my anger out on my room.

I yanked the comforter from my bed and tossed it behind me.

I flipped my mattress over toppling it onto my nightstand.

I pulled some of my drawers out and dumped them onto the carpet.

Perhaps I was being melodramatic, or perhaps it was hormones, I didn't know. I just knew I was angry and needed to release the rage inside me.

"James!" a female voice called out to me.

I dropped the drawer I'd been about to dump out to see a gaping Lizzie

standing in my doorway. Confusion, concern, and shock were all written on her countenance.

Tired out from my meltdown, I sighed and sank to the floor.

"What do you want?" I asked her.

She continued staring at me as if I was a stranger in the house.

"Um, to know why you're tearing your room apart?" she said.

I rolled my eyes at that. "Like you care."

She folded her arms and entered the room cautiously. "Hey, I care, okay?"

"No, you don't! Stop trying to act like you do all of a sudden. You've never been anything, but mean to me!" I shouted at her.

Lizzie didn't defend herself, surprisingly. She just nodded her head and said to me, "I know, and I'm owning up to it. Because I'm genuinely sorry."

I didn't know what to say to that.

Lizzie? Apologizing? This must be some kind of false reality, I thought.

"Yeah, right," I replied skeptically.

"I am," she persisted, taking a seat beside me on the floor.

"That's why I have been trying to be nice to you lately."

"Because you feel guilty?" I scoffed.

"Well yeah, and 'cause..." she sighed. "I'll be a senior this year, and then it's off to college. And I don't want your only memories of me to be bad ones. I haven't always been the best sister, and I want to try to be from now on."

Her admission left me speechless for a second. Lizzie expressing authentic remorse for her actions was so out of character for her. But since she was genuinely apologetic, I knew it was only fair I apologized too.

"Thanks," I found my voice. "And I'm sorry for all the times I've been a jerk to you."

She nodded.

"But don't worry," I went on.

"I've got some good memories of you. Like the time you accidentally burnt half your hair off with a curling iron. And the time you tripped down the stairs holding your experiment for science, and it spilled everywhere."

I smiled to let her know I was teasing.

She shoved me playfully. "You're not sorry; you're still a jerk."

We laughed together.

Wow, that was weird.

Usually, we were laughing at one another, not with.

So much was changing this summer, it was hard to accept it all.

But I certainly liked this change.

And I hoped that it would last.

Lizzie glanced around my bedroom and asked again, "So, you want to tell me why you've destroyed your room?"

I took a look at the mess I'd created. I felt kind of dumb for doing so now because it hadn't made me feel better. I was still angry with myself. And now I'd have to clean it all up.

Lizzie sat patiently, awaiting my answer.

Mentally, I weighed my options.

I could make up a lie or excuse to get out of it. Or I could open up and release the feelings I'd been burying for so long.

Keeping it all to myself had created this big of a mess emotionally and literally. What harm would it do to finally tell someone the truth?

Before I could decide, she spoke again.

"Before you say anything, I just want you to know I may have an idea what you're going through, And that maybe if you just told me, I could help. You don't seem to be doing so well trying to handle it on your own," she pointed out then gestured to the messy room.

I nodded agreeably. "Okay, but you have to promise not to laugh or call me lame."

Lizzie held her pinky out to me and said, "Pinky swear."

Our pinkies locked, and then I breathed a sigh.

"I'm in love with Harlee," I said quickly.

The second the words were out of my mouth, I felt exposed.

It felt intensely vulnerable to finally share the secret I'd been hiding from everyone for years.

But it also felt freeing.

So when Lizzie didn't so much as raise an eyebrow, it felt safe to continue.

"I've loved her since we were kids," I confided.

"After she stood up for me at Fairington, I was drawn to her, Lizzie. She was so brave, and it helped me want to be brave too. She was always compassionate and cared about me. And the more time we spent together, the more I cared about her."

Lizzie still didn't say a word, so I kept going.

"When we started fifth grade after that summer, the other kids would always say that we liked each other as more than friends because we were always together. Harlee would always tell them to 'shut up' or say 'that's not true,' and I thought she was right. I thought we were just best friends. The thing is though a best friend doesn't make your heart race every single time you see her. Harlee has brought out the best in me from the moment we became friends. I don't think she ever was 'just a friend' to me.

As we got older, my feelings started changing, and getting even stronger for her. By the time we turned eleven, I had realized I had a crush on her. But I didn't think it'd last. I thought it'd go away when we got older. But when I imagined Harlee and me always only being friends, I felt shattered inside. As the feelings only got stronger, instead of going away, I realized I truly was in love with her."

Pausing to take a breath, I observed Lizzie was still dead silent.

It threw me off, but not wanting to get off course, I just kept talking.

"Once we got to middle school, the teasing and the assumptions we were dating got worse. Even the teachers there thought we were a couple at times. People started referring to us as Jarlee," I smiled as I spoke, "And I loved the idea of it. The idea of us being more than just friends.

But Harlee didn't." I sighed. "She would get so mad when people would say it, because of how opposed she was to it. And I would constantly have to pretend I felt the same way, because how could I not? How could I tell her the very thing she was so opposed to I'd been dreaming of for months? We would always talk about how 'stupid' dating in middle school was. We would always say, "kids our age are so obsessed with relationships," and rant about how dumb it was. But I was lying to her. I was lying to her by not telling her how I truly felt about her and us. And while I was lying to her, my feelings were growing even stronger over the simplest things. Our hands would touch, and I'd feel electrified. She'd smile, and I'd feel like everything was right in the world."

My voice threatened to break as I began to conclude.

"This May I just couldn't do it anymore," I said softly.

"I've been lying to her for years, and it's time I stopped. She deserves a best friend that's honest with her."

Another exhale escaped through my parted lips after that.

It stunned me how much of my heart I'd just unmasked.

I supposed after holding it in for so long, it all just came pouring out.

Lizzie remained quiet. She was probably as stupefied as I was at how much I'd told her.

I tried to examine her expression.

But there really wasn't one.

Why did she look...unmoved?

"Umm, don't you have anything to say?" I asked her, failing to keep the confusion out of my tone.

She raised her eyebrows, and I felt embarrassment begin to creep up on me. I started wondering if she'd just kept a straight face so long because she'd been trying not to burst out laughing.

But she didn't laugh.

She didn't smirk or even smile.

She simply shrugged her shoulders and said, "I've always known that."

Wait.

What??

"You've 'always known' what?" I repeated.

"That you're in love with Harlee," she said to me. "It's so obvious; I can't believe she doesn't see it."

I put a palm to my forehead.

She knew?? I thought incredulously.

All this time, she knew, and she didn't say anything?

She didn't even use her knowledge to mock me for it?

"What do you mean, 'it's so obvious'?" I asked, finding my voice.

"I mean, you're obsessed with her," she stated.

"Ever since that day, we picked you up from Fairington, and you introduced the family to her, you have been obsessed. The way you look at her, the way you talk to her, the way you treat her, it's so obvious. That is until you started using that Hyland girl to try and get rid of your feelings."

I opened my mouth to protest the last part of her sentence, but she continued talking.

"That's why I was so adamant about you and Harlee mending your friendship. You were so different without her. It just shows how much she means to you."

I closed my eyes sadly then opened them. "Yeah. Without her, I do stuff like this." I gestured towards the room. "But it's worse to be with her, that's why I ended things between us...again."

This time it was Lizzie's turn to be stunned.

She sat there staring at me with her mouth gaping again.

I tried to explain myself better. "I can't stay friends with her this way," I told her. "Lying to her. It isn't fair that she doesn't know.

The first time I ended things, yeah, I tried to hang out with other people. And so did she. Hyland is a great person. But she can... I'll never feel for her the way I feel about Harlee. And Harlee was always the person I compared her to."

Lizzie's expression told me she already knew that too.

"But even when I was hanging out with Hyland," I said.

"Harlee would not give up on us. She's relentless; you know that. We spent all of last week together and had a great time. We made lots of memories. I thought I was going to be able to do it.

I thought I could finally be honest with her. But then I did something stupid today..." I sighed, still overwhelmed with regret and humiliation at what I'd almost done.

"I tried to kiss her before I confessed. And then she freaked out.

Even though, I don't think she was one-hundred percent sure that's what I was trying to do. I knew I'd been right not to tell her though because of how freaked out she was.

Then I lied to her by saying I just thought I saw something in her eye. She believed me.

She's been believing my lies for years. I can't lie to her face anymore, Lizzie. So, I broke things off again.

If I told Harlee I love her, it would ruin everything between us. And now, things are ruined anyway. I just have to let us both go our separate ways."

Another hush fell over the room.

Lizzie was shaking her head like she couldn't believe she was related to someone so dumb.

I couldn't blame her. I couldn't believe how stupid I had been either.

"Gosh, James. It's going to be hard to be nicer to you if you're this much of an idiot," she remarked, her tone full of agitation.

"I know I'm an idiot. I should not have tried to kiss her."

"No, you're an idiot because you wimped out!" she exclaimed.

Her hand shoved me again, but this time it was forceful rather than playful. Lizzie rose from her seat and rested her hands on her hips.

"You said it yourself, James, things have been ruined anyway. So, what do you have to lose at this point by telling Harlee the truth?"

"Her respect for me," I muttered lamely.

"That's long gone by now, anyway!"

I shot her a glare, but she paid it no mind.

"You should have been honest from the start. I know it's hard, but I don't think you should have broken things off in May. I don't think it should have gotten so bad in the first place. It was wrong to lie, but cutting her out of your life completely just made everything worse," she said to me.

I thought about how miserable I'd been without Harlee the past month and how hurt she was without me.

My sister had a point.

That had been quite a cowardly route to take.

Twice.

Lizzie ran a hand through her blonde waves, then sighed and changed her tone. "I'm not going to tell you what to do with your life, but I need you to realize something. What you and Harlee have is golden. Most people search their entire lives for a friendship like that. Maybe, she feels the same way, and maybe, she doesn't. But wouldn't you rather know the truth than keep hiding behind a lie? Wouldn't you like to...for once in your life just stop being afraid?"

Our eyes stayed locked as she came to a close with her speech.

"It's up to you at the end of the day, James. But I hope you'll be honest because I think we both know Harlee deserves to know the truth about all this. And so does Hyland, for that matter." She quirked an eyebrow.

Then she made her exit, leaving me to my messy room and my thoughts.

I sat there for a moment, mulling over what she had said.

She was right about everything, and I knew it.

I'd accomplished nothing by pushing Harlee away from me.

In my attempts not to hurt her at all, I'd only hurt her more.

My eyes wandered to the empty space in my mirror.

Unable to bear the sight of it after what happened, I'd shoved our picture back into the drawer the moment I came home.

I stood to my feet and went to retrieve the photo from the dresser. A small smile formed on my face to see how happy we'd been then.

Even though I was hiding my feelings, I was happy.

Harlee was happy.

And I'd wanted to keep her that way, so I wasn't honest with her. But now I realized her being happy was just as important as her knowing the truth.

I put the picture back into its rightful corner in the mirror and then started cleaning up my room.

I knew to fix things I had to take Lizzie's advice and confess.

No more acts, no more lies, and no more pretending.

It was time to do something I should have done a long while ago.

It was time to be brave.