Harlee
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James had punched Jasper.
He had actually punched him.
Maybe, I should have been grateful that he'd stood up for me, but I wasn't. I didn't see him as heroic for doing so, because he was acting just like Jasper by resorting to his methods.
Thankfully, before things could escalate any worse than they had already, adults walked over and broke everything up. They threatened to make us leave the park for fighting, and that was when Jasper decided to leave.
"I'm done, Harlee. Dating you comes with too much drama," Jasper said to me.
I'd heard what he'd said, but my focus was on how swollen his eye had looked.
How hard did James hit him? I wondered worriedly as Jasper stormed off.
James came over to help me from the ground, asking if I was okay.
He didn't sound the least bit remorseful about what he'd done, and that infuriated me even more.
A perfect night ruined by two boys' egos, I thought, feeling furious with both Jasper and James.
James didn't even seem to understand why Evan, Rachel, and I were so shocked by what he'd done. Nor did he understand why I was so upset with him.
"He started a fight, and I ended it. I don't understand what everyone is so upset about," he said to us.
"Because now you're just as bad as he is!" I cried out in reply.
I didn't stick around to try and explain further.
Fighting back tears, I ran across the park towards the lake for some solitude.
Coming here with Jasper had been a huge mistake.
This entire summer had been nothing but a series of mistakes.
Once I was far enough from the bonfire, I collapsed onto the ground by the lake and started crying.
Not just about the way the night had turned out but about everything.
I cried because I missed being friends with James, I missed being friends with Farrah, and because I hated how much drama had unfolded this summer and how this was only the beginning of being a teenager.
How much harder could it possibly get?
I just wanted things to go back to the way they were.
I just wanted life to be as simple as it used to be.
"I hate growing up. I hate it," I whispered miserably.
Footsteps crunched on the grass beside me, and I realized I'd been followed. I tried quieting down, not wanting whoever it was to find me.
But the light of the fireworks combined with the luminescent stars and moonlight beaming in the sky had lit the path that led right to me.
"Mood of the summer," James' voice said.
I lifted my tear-stained face from my knees and glared up at him,
"Go away, James. I never want to talk to you again," I said.
He shook his head immediately. "No. I'm not running away anymore. I have to tell you this."
"Tell me what?!" I stood up angrily.
"How you did it because you miss being friends with me, and you want to try to start over again, so you can ditch me once more without even telling me why??"
I knew my voice was oozing with bitterness and resentment, but I didn't care. I no longer hated James for all he'd done, but that didn't change the fact he'd hurt me by doing it.
And now, he'd gone and hurt me again.
"No, I'm not going to say anything like that," he said, tone regretful.
"Huh, then you don't miss me. Figures," I said, brushing past him.
"No, I never said I didn't miss you-" he started.
At that, I whirled back around, feeling even more enraged.
"What is your problem, James?? One minute you don't want to be around me, the next you care so much for me, you punch somebody in the face?? When does it end?? Huh?"Β
"It's not something you'll understand until I explain myself," he said softly.
I sighed and placed my hands over my face tiredly then uncovered it.
"James," I said. "I have put up with your insanity all summer. So, I'm not sure what could possibly be a good reason as to why you've done all this."
He nodded understandingly and gestured towards the grass.
"I know, and I want to talk to you about it. So, can we just sit down?" he asked.
I hesitated.
I was still angry, but I did want answers.
After all this time of wondering why he'd ended our friendship, I couldn't refuse the chance to finally find out the reason.
So I took a seat in the grass.
James sat beside me quickly.
"Are you cold or anything?" he asked me.
"Stop stalling, James," I said snappily.
"Right. Okay...so here goes," he sighed.
Silence ensued.
He didn't speak.
He just sat there.
He stared at the lake, the stars sprinkled on the reflection of it, the dry, crispy, grass surrounding us, everywhere, but at me.
I gave an exasperated sigh, then finally, he started talking.
"Do you remember how other people acted when we first became friends?" James said, seeming to choose his words carefully as he finally met my eyes.
Flashbacks filled my mind at the mention of it, and I tried not to cringe at all of the memories of people joking about us dating, teasing us about it, and asking if we were.
I simply nodded my head.
"People in our classes would say dumb things like, 'when's the wedding,' and how we were relationship goals," he continued whilst averting his eyes again.
This time I couldn't stop myself from cringing at the memories.
"Ugh, I remember, because they still do it now, James. Why? What are you getting at?" I said in reply.
I knew I was being impatient, but I didn't care.
I needed an explanation already.
He kept his eyes low then asked, "Well, do you remember how you would always deny those claims?"
"Of course, it was embarrassing and annoying," I said back immediately.
"Why was it embarrassing and annoying to you?"
His eyes met mine again.
His voice sounded hurt and small.
I tried to be careful with how I responded.
"Because you were my...best friend," I said cautiously.
"Only your best friend?" he asked, sounding dejected.
I couldn't read all of the emotions in his countenance.
But from what I could read, it was a mix of disappointment, hopelessness, and confusion.
I could relate to the last feeling.
I felt very confused, as well.
"You see, that's the problem," he said quietly.
"You're not just my best friend."
"Yeah, I'm not your friend at all anymore, remember?" I reminded him.
"No. You're not getting it." He shook his head at me. "I wanted to be more than your friend, Harlee. I didn't want you to refute those claims. I wanted them to be true," he said to me.
My eyes widened in disbelief at what he was saying.
Oh no.
This can't be happening right now, I thought as my heart picked up speed in my chest.
It just can't be.
It will ruin everything.
My shock didn't faze him, though, because he just continued on,
"Harlee, you helped me learn so much about myself and about being brave. From the moment we met, you changed my life forever.
You were my first true friend and the first person to ever see the real me and like him. But it's not just about what you did for me.
It's who you are. You're compassionate, and you're bold. You're clever, you're funny, you're..."
He hesitated a second.
"You're the most beautiful person I know..." he said softly.
"The more time we spent together, and the closer we got, the stronger my feelings for you became.
It got to the point where I realized I cared about you as more than just a best friend. But you didn't want anything more than that, so I felt I had to pretend I didn't either.
I thought the way I felt about you would ruin our friendship.
That last day we hung out together in May, Jasper had made fun of us again and called us a couple. You got so angry you said, 'James and I will never be anything more than friends.'"
My mind flashed back to that day in the arcade.
James and I had been minding our own business, playing our favorite racing game when Jasper came over and started making comments.
"Look, at the happy couple. You two are so cute together," he had said.
"We're not a couple, Jasper. James and I will never be anything more than friends," I'd fired back at him.
When I said that to Jasper, I'd been glaring at him too, so I hadn't even noticed James' reaction.
And I hadn't even considered it might have hurt James.
But how could I have?
How could I have known that he'd wanted to be more than friends?
"And that's when I realized, I was longing for a hopeless dream," James' voice said, bringing me back to the present day.
"Confessing this would have ruined everything. But not telling you, and joking about how dumb we thought young relationships are and how dumb people that asked if we were dating were...was all lying to you."
He sighed again.
"And I couldn't do that anymore. That's why I sent you that text. Because I was so tired of lying. When I cut things off, I truly thought I was doing you a favor. All I ever do is drag you down...
After we stopped hanging out, I thought I just needed to move on.
I took Hyland out mostly because of pressure from Farrah and Amy, but also because I was trying to see if I could develop feelings for someone else, then maybe you and I could be friends again. But I realized how unfair that was to her when all I could think about during her and my time together was you. So, that's why things ended between us."
More shock overwhelmed me.
Wait. What??
I am the reason they broke up??
"Like I said, no one can replace you, Harlee," he said.
"And then you and I spent an awesome week together. I thought I could finally tell you this time. That day on your porch, when I broke things off again, it wasn't because of anything you did wrong.
It was because I was going to tell you then, but I wimped out. You see, I really did love the photo album, and I wanted to show you how much I did...and how much I cared about you. There wasn't anything in your eye; I lied then too." He hesitated again then said,
"I'd been trying to kiss you, Harlee."
Oh, God.
My heart skipped a beat upon hearing that.
So that HAD been what he'd been trying to do.
Tears started welling up in my eyes again as, slowly, everything seemed to make sense. My vision became blurry from the tears as my mind was being flooded, trying to process it all.
It was all just too much.
As James continued pouring out admission, I had a sequence of flashbacks.
Him squeezing my hand that night after midnight milkshakes together.
The way he stared at me on the bike trail after he brushed my hair out of my face.
Many of the other countless times that I'd caught him staring at me only to abruptly look away.
And the most vivid flashback of all:
The moment we almost kissed on my porch.
I felt like such an idiot for not ever realizing the truth.
Given the fact, James had been such a master at keeping things to himself, I couldn't blame myself too much.
But still.
How could I have been so blind?
How could I have spent so much time being oblivious to what was right in front of me?
"I love you, Harlee," his voice said.
I didn't know what to say to that.
Now, I realized why he'd kept it a secret for so long, and I wished he'd kept it one forever.
Him confessing had ruined everything.
Our childhood, our friendship, our memories, everything seemed tarnished.
Of course, we couldn't stay friends, now that I knew the truth.
The truth that he'd been lying to me for pretty much our entire friendship.
My head started shaking in denial, and I hurried to my feet.
"No. No way. You don't love me, James," I said. "We are just friends."
The hopeless look returned to his face, but this time it was more severe.
Like his entire world had been on stilts awhile, but now it had finally come crashing down.
I knew I was being cold, but I had to be honest with him. He was clinging to a false reality, and no matter how much it hurt, he needed to face the facts.
He spoke again as he stood to his feet.
"I understand it's kind of scary, but I'm not saying we have to date or anything-" he started.
"Of course, we aren't going to date!" I said back immediately.
My heart lurched at my own statement.
My mind flashed back yet again to our moment in the Dairy Jester when the ship name Jarlee had finally grown on me.
I remembered my heart fluttering when his hand touched mine later that night as we were standing on my porch.
I remembered the way I felt Hyland Pennington had replaced me in his life, even though she was dating him, and he and I were just friends.
I remembered how my heart felt shattered when I saw her kiss him that day at the mall.
I remembered how everything in my world seemed still the first time I ever saw him.
And how everything in my world felt like it was crashing down when he first ended our friendship.
And I remembered how everything in my life seemed right again when he agreed to try and rekindle it.
Oh. My. God.
Is the way I've always chased him what caused him to like me as more than a friend?
Even deeper than that, do I actually like him as more than one?
Everything was happening so fast; I could hardly assess how I was feeling.
Fear of change, fear of the unknown, and fear of vulnerability were engulfing me.
I took a step backward and said,
"You spent an entire summer pushing me away. You lied to me for years, and you actually expect me to believe you did it 'cause you love me?"
The tears returned, and my voice was breaking. I was being vulnerable and emotional despite my wishes not to.
"I did do it, 'cause I love you," he said, sounding hurt.
The fact was I knew he was being honest about loving me, but the anger at the fact he'd lied, combined with my fear of change, combined with the anger at how he'd treated me wouldn't let me admit that.
James tried explaining himself better, and I tried to listen to him and be more understanding with my tone as I questioned him further. But I found the more honest he was, the angrier I became. Then he said something I definitely couldn't be understanding about.
"I really do love you, Harlee. And this summer, after all you did to bring us back together, I thought maybe, you had started to love me too," he told me.
James should have chosen his words more carefully because now I was more furious than ever.
"So, you manipulated me??" I frantically placed my hands against the sides of my head.
"No, no, that hadn't been my intention-" he said.
"You didn't stop being my friend because you didn't want to lie to me.
You stopped being my friend to prove to me and to prove to yourself that I would do anything to get you back," I cried.
"No, Harlee! That's not true!" He quickly shook his head and tried to backpedal, "I did it because I was scared to be honest with you and tired of lying to you, and it was wrong. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I hurt you, and so sorry I pushed you away. Harlee, I wouldn't ever intend to hurt you. I promise."
I ignored his apologies and continued,
"No, no, after tonight, I know for sure that everything you do is for your own ego. And to think that you dragged Hyland into this too. What do you have some kind of bet with Evan to see how many girls you can have fighting over you now that you're thirteen?"
The accusations were hurtful, unfair, and untrue, and I was aware of that. But the pain, fury, and fear I was feeling from all of this were doing the talking right then.
Which was why instead of trying to determine my own feelings and figure things out with him, I coldly said,
"Two months ago, you told me you didn't want to be friends anymore. That's what you wanted. That's what you get."
He opened his mouth to speak again, but I cut him off,
"But I want to take it a step further than that. We aren't just ex-friends.
We are strangers. Don't call me, don't text me, don't talk to me! I don't want to see you anymore! I was finally moving on, and then you pull this!"
I shouted, trying my hardest not to let any more tears fall.
"Harlee, please try to understand-" He reached out to try and take my hand, but I snatched away from him.
"Stay out of my life, James. Because you're not welcome in it anymore," I said.
Then I ran off, leaving him standing there by himself.
I knew this time he wouldn't follow me.
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