Chapter fifty-three: The cost of bravery

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James

๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿฆ

Confessing your feelings in real life is nothing like they portray it in the movies.

In most cases, there isn't some gushy reaction you're going to receive.

The crying they do is quite accurate, though.

There had been a lot of tears shed by Harlee when I told her the truth about everything.

She had run to the far end of the park, but I'd been able to not lose sight of her and follow her. When she saw that I'd followed her, she was furious with me still. But I was able to get her to allow me to explain.

We sat down in the grass, and then I started confessing things to her.

But it wasn't going well so far.

After I explained almost everything and told her that I loved her, she didn't seem to believe me.

Which made sense, after everything I'd put her through the past two months.

"You don't love me, James," she said to me, as tears streamed down her cheeks.

My heart felt fractured as I watched her cry.

The last thing I'd meant to do was start even more drama between us.

I had thought this was going to mend things.

"We are just friends," she said, her voice sounding unsure.

I knew it must have been a lot to take in, so I tried to be understanding towards her.

"I understand it's kind of scary, but I'm not saying we have to date or anything," I said.

Once again, she was horrified even at the mention of such things.

"Of course, we aren't going to date!" she cried.

She seemed shocked at herself when she said it.

She paused a few seconds then took a step away from me.

"You spent an entire summer pushing me away. You lied to me for years, and you actually expect me to believe you did it 'cause you love me?" she asked.

It sounded a million times worse when she said it all aloud.

"I did do it, 'cause I love you," I replied.

"So, ignoring my texts and calls. Avoiding me. Making me think you hated me and wonder for weeks what I did wrong was because you loved me?" she asked, tears still falling from her eyes.

It took everything in me not to tear up too as she relived the hurt I'd caused her.

Why have I been so stupid? I scolded myself mentally.

How could I have ever thought it'd be okay to just cut her off?

"Harlee, I truly thought it would be better for you to be away from me," I said tentatively.

"And you didn't even bother to consider whether or not I should get to decide that myself?" she pointed out.

Harlee was quiet for a moment like she was remembering some things, and I realized she was when she began voicing more of the bad memories I had left her with.

"Do you remember the day when you closed the blinds on me? Hmm? I laid on my bed and cried myself to sleep after that, James. Oh, here's another memorable one: the day you told everyone at Farrah's party. you would 'never kiss me' and that you 'don't even like me.' How exactly is that loving? Please, explain."

An image of Harlee's stricken expression from when I'd shouted those hurtful words flashed through my mind. I wanted to kick myself when I realized that her current expression matched that one, except this time, her countenance was even more wounded.

Unable to look into her hurt eyes any longer, I looked away as I explained, "Harlee, every single time I ignored you, I hated myself for it. I just didn't know what else to do. I've been so torn. It felt so wrong to keep lying to you, but it hurt so much to hurt you. I hated knowing you were upset. I remember all those days and exactly how I felt on them too. I remember that Monday after the party incident when we were bike racing with everyone. After we lost, we were standing outside the Dairy Jester, and I told you I still thought it'd be best if we didn't remain friends. You didn't come inside after that; you went home. And everything inside of me wanted to follow you. But I didn't and, I..." my voice trailed off.

I couldn't rehash any more of the heartwrenching memories from that summer, or we'd both be in tears.

Thankfully, Harlee seemed to have calmed down just a tiny bit upon hearing this admission. I hoped her hearing I had been hurting as much as she was throughout all of this helped her realize that I truly never meant to cause her pain.

"I understand it's hard to believe," I told her.

"But I really do love you, Harlee. And this summer, after all you did to bring us back together, I thought maybe you had started to love me too."

The way I worded that couldn't have possibly been worse.

Because now, she thought I'd manipulated her.

She started crying yet again while accusing me of doing all this just so I could see if she'd chase me.

Each word felt like a stab wound to the heart.

She was taking this all wrong.

But I could see why she was.

I had made myself seem like an insensitive player.

I tried again with my explanations and apologizing, but they didn't work.

No matter what I said, I wasn't getting through to her. She was deeply hurt, and that's why I couldn't even be angry with her, even after she made hurtful accusations about me only doing this for my own self-importance and because I wanted girls to chase me.

Nothing hurt worse than what she finished with, though.

"Two months ago, you told me you didn't want to be friends anymore.

That's what you wanted. That's what you get. But I want to take it a step further than that; we aren't just ex-friends. We are strangers. Don't call me, don't text me, don't talk to me! I don't want to see you anymore! I was finally moving on, and then you pull this!" she cried.

"Harlee, please try to understand-" I said, reaching for her hand, a last attempt to try calming her down.

But she pulled away instantly.

"Stay out of my life, James. Because you're not welcome in it anymore."

After that, she stormed off from me.

I was left standing alone yet again.

I knew it'd be best not to follow her this time. I'd put her through enough.

For a second, I just stood there feeling numb and tired.

As the reality of it all hit me, though, I realized maybe I wasn't that numb after all. Just tired.

How much I'd hurt her devastated me, but after all of the drama that had happened that summer, I just didn't know what to do about any of it anymore.

My eyes wandered to the fireworks blasting in the sky.

I couldn't help but wonder if she'd have reacted the same way if I'd just told her the truth in the first place.

Instead of ending things between us and causing the rift in our friendship.

After all, she seemed to be more hurt about being lied to and shut out than anything.

That and the fact it seemed like I'd manipulated her.

But I still didn't know if telling her sooner would have helped things.

Because she made it clear that she didn't feel the same way.

She didn't love me back.

So if I'd told her when the feelings started, wouldn't she have thrown me out of her life then?

I didn't know.

I supposed it didn't matter now anyway.

I started heading back towards the bonfire.

I'd been honest with Harlee.

Whether or not she believed me was out of my hands.

I couldn't keep walking in and out of her life whenever I pleased.

It was time to let go and let things be.

There was nothing more that I could do.


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