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I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.

[Lewis Carroll]

• • •

Alex's house looked different without all the drunk teenagers. It was spacious and clean, the walls plastered in finger paintings and crayon drawings. Photographs on the mantlepiece showed a happy Catholic family grinning at the camera outside a tall church. Everything had a place; the chaos of having a lesbian daughter was contained into a neat, organised, domesticated scene. No one would ever know that she was such a disappointment.

Kody was still staring up at the faded photographs when Alex entered the living room holding two cups of steaming coffee. She sat beside him on the brown leather sofa, crossing her legs and studying his expression carefully, "You wanna tell me what's going on?"

He sighed and took a long sip from his drink, "Shit, this is strong."

She chuckled, "Yeah. It's the insomnia." She winked.

"Where are your parents?"

"They're at church with my brother." Her eyes shadowed over as she chewed on her lower lip.

"You don't go with them?"

"Not anymore." She shrugged. "When my church found out I was gay, I wasn't welcome there anymore. My parents had to do some hardcore grovelling to be allowed to stay."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay." She lied. "At least I get to sleep in on Sundays now, so..."

"Do you believe in God?"

"Yeah." She nodded, laughing under her breath, "It's stupid, right? Everyone has their own version of faith, but I'm a Catholic - in my version, God hates me. And yet, I still love him."

"I don't think it's stupid." Kody replied, "We like to punish ourselves, don't we? We like to feel as though we're disappointing someone. I think it's a generational thing."

She laughed, "That's a...uh, unique view."

"Look at it this way; you're disappointing God so you don't have to disappoint yourself. He's absorbing all that self hatred, and he's still there for you to love."

She cocked her head to the side, admiring his opinion for a moment, "What about you? What do you believe in?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing." He agreed.

"You gotta believe in something." Alex argued.

"Well, I don't." He said apologetically, "I don't think there's a God, or an afterlife, or any sort of plan for us. I think we just...are. Not everything has to have an answer."

"Okay, so you don't believe in anything spiritual. What about in this life?"

"In this life?" He rose his brows. "I believe in kindness, in love, in compassion. I believe we all live by a different moral code, and I think everyone thinks their own code is the correct one."

"I think I agree with you." She giggled, "At least you believe in something, right?"

"I guess so."

She placed her mug down onto the coffee table and brushed her silky black hair out of her forest eyes, "So, what are you really here to talk about?"

He put his coffee down too and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, "There's not a lot of people I can talk to about this." He mumbled in embarrassment.

"It's about the boy, isn't it?"

"I fucked it up."

"How?"

"I-I..." I can't tell you. "I said the wrong thing. I'm not good with words or...or feelings. He misinterpreted what I said."

"You're not good with feelings so you hurt his?"

"You make me sound like such a dick."

"Nah, you're doing a good enough job of that on your own." She rubbed his shoulder comfortingly, her voice playful and teasing. She took a deep breath, "Okay, Kody, look, I've never had a relationship before, so I don't know what to tell you. But...from what I gather - from movies and shit - being honest always seems to work."

"I was honest!" He countered. "That's the issue - I think I was too honest...?"

"Well, what did you say?"

He sighed, realising that he couldn't proceed any further without telling her the full truth, "The boy is Arlo Middleton." He admitted.

She rolled her eyes, "No shit."

"You knew?"

"Of course I knew. You weren't exactly hiding him when you brought him to my party." She laughed. "So, how did you fuck it up?"

"He thinks I see him as a project, like something I'm trying to fix."

"And? Do you see him as a project?"

"No." Kody assured her firmly, "Maybe at the beginning... I wanted to be his friend because I didn't want him to ever have to think about dying again! But the second I started catching feelings, my intentions changed completely. I really fucking like this boy."

"Did you say that?"

"Yes."

"Did you say it in the right way?"

"Probably not." He groaned.

"You know what you should do?" A sly grin of eager excitement ghosted her face, "Write him a love letter."

"He has a phone, you know?"

"Texting is so fucking impersonal." She debated, "When was the last time someone wrote you a love letter?"

"Uh...never?"

"Exactly!" She smirked, "I bet you everything I own that no one's ever written Arlo one either."

"I...I guess." He shrugged in defeat. "But Arlo...he's pragmatic. He likes reason and logic and being direct. I know him. Some big romantic gesture isn't going to work, he has to believe that I'm sorry."

"And are you sorry?"

He stared at her, "Of course."

"You don't seem very sorry."

"Well, what do you want me to say?"

"Kody, if you're not truly sorry about what happened then don't bother begging for forgiveness. Arlo will see right through you."

Kody gritted his teeth in frustration, "Fine. Okay. I-I'm not...I'm not entirely sorry, but that's because I didn't do anything wrong! He jumped to conclusions."

Alex reclined, sinking back into the sofa thoughtfully, "Do you want my honest opinion?"

"Yes! That's why I'm here!"

"Arlo needs to heal. He's barely been out of hospital five minutes and he's already stressing out about a relationship that hasn't even really started. You can't be selfish here, Kody. If you're not what Arlo needs then you need to let him go."

He looked at her blankly, his lips parting and then closing again when no words escaped. "B-But..."

"But you like him?" She finished, "I know you do. And if you really cared about him then you would go home, think about this, and then tell him you're not what he needs. Maybe in a few months you can pick things up again, but right now? He needs his doctors, his therapists, and his meds. He doesn't need a boyfriend."

"You don't know what he needs." He stammered, hardly believing what Alex was saying and refusing to believe that she was right. "I can help him."

"Maybe you could've helped...as a friend." She corrected him. "But now you're more than that and you can't anymore. I'm really sorry, Kody." She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, "Please just think about it, think about him."

He nodded slowly, "Fuck." He hated what she was saying but even more so, he hated that she was right.

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