No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side. Or you don't.

[Stephen King]

• • •

The table at the back of the library now belonged to Kody and Arlo.

Kody was sitting with his books open, waiting for his companion to join him. They spent all their free periods there, enjoying the quiet presence of one another. They rarely talked, but the shared body heat was comforting. When Arlo arrived, he wordlessly sat down, shooting Kody a quick smile.

"Hey." Kody greeted him. "How are you?"

"I'm okay. You?" He asked because he had to, not because he wanted to - that's what Kody assumed, anyway.

"I'm good." Kody grinned.

"You know, that used to be my seat." He said abruptly. "Before I left, I would sit there almost every day."

"You want it back?"

"No."

"Sorry for stealing it." He smirked because he knew Arlo didn't care.

"You stole my locker too."

Kody furrowed his brows, "I did?"

Arlo nodded, "I guess they couldn't keep it empty for four months." He shrugged. "You better be taking care of it." He teased dryly. Kody had learnt that beneath his cold exterior, Arlo had a sense of humour, so subtle that most people wouldn't even notice it.

"Come with me." Kody stood up, grabbing his maths compass out of his pencil case and tucking it into his sleeve. Arlo sighed but reluctantly followed the impulsive boy, out of the library and down the corridor towards his old locker - Kody's new locker.

"What are we doing?"

The hall was empty. Everyone was either in a lesson, the common room, the library, or off grounds. Kody unlocked his locker and produced the compass. Then he begun using the sharp point to carve into the hard surface of the inner door, the metal scratching and falling away in tiny specks.

Arlo grabbed his arm and yanked it away, "Kody!" He scolded, though his voice was weak and held no real authority. Kody couldn't help but find it cute; the way Arlo was holding onto his bicep with both hands, and the soft pleading in his gentle voice. No, Kody told himself. No boys.

"What?" Kody laughed, "I'm making sure this locker is yours forever."

"I don't care about the locker." Arlo disputed. "This isn't worth our time or effort."

Kody flashed him those big amber eyes and a smirk Arlo found hard to resist, "It will only take a second." He promised, resulting in Arlo loosening his grip. Kody carved the letter A in the bottom corner of the inside of the door, and beside it, the letter K.

"That was pointless and a waste of time." Arlo stared at him disapprovingly.

"I can tell you're trying not to smile."

Arlo punched him playfully on the shoulder, "Shut up, Kody."

Fuck, his name sounded so good on Arlo's lips.

Kody gulped.

No boys, he told himself again. It was like a constant mantra that played in his head every time he was around Arlo.

No boys. No boys. No boys. No boys. No boys.

"Nothing's more permanent than when you carve it into something." Kody joked, "Don't you think?"

Arlo looked at him, his expression uncharacteristically blank, "I suppose."

"Are you okay?"

Arlo studied the linoleum beneath his boots, his eyes heavier than they were a few minutes ago. He stopped walking, "Sure." He mumbled.

Kody stopped too, twisting around to face Arlo in the deserted corridor. He placed his hands on Arlo's shoulders and looked at him with concern and apprehension. "C'mon, Arlo." He urged gently. "What is it?"

"I-I just don't get you." His voice broke, just like it always did when he was nervous to say something. "Why haven't you asked me yet?"

"Asked you what?"

"Asked me about hospital, or about how I did it - how I tried to do it." His voice trembled and his eyes remained trained on the floor. "People I don't even know have asked me, but you're...you're my f-friend, and you don't even want to know?"

Kody was utterly shocked. He hadn't expected that, not one bit. "I figured that's your business, Arlo."

"Well, I figured that until you mentioned it, I-I'm just...waiting for it to happen. Waiting for you to realise it's fucked up, and so am I."

"I won't think that. I'll never think that." Kody wanted to remain calm, but he was getting frustrated. He hated that Arlo felt like he needed to explain himself, he hated that Arlo thought Kody would just leave at any moment, and he hated that people had been prying into a story they had no right to know about. "Do you want to come to my house, like...now?"

Arlo's brows twitched into a frown, "What about school?"

"We can skip half a day, can't we?"

"Will your parents be home?"

"No. They work in London part time. They'll both be gone until dinner."

"Okay." He agreed, much to Kody's surprise. "Let's go."

When they got to Kody's house, he made Arlo a coffee - black, just how he liked it. When Arlo shot him an inquisitive look, Kody smiled gingerly, "I remembered." He shrugged, referring to when they went to the coffee shop together.

"Your house is nice." Arlo commented, sipping from the warm drink.

"Yeah. I like it."

"But?"

"But it still doesn't feel like home." Kody finished, vaguely wondering how Arlo had read the hesitation in his voice.

"It will." He assured him. "Eventually."

After both downing too much coffee, Arlo followed Kody up the stairs and into his bedroom. His room made Arlo smile; the glittering fairy lights wound around his headboard, the unknown bands displayed on the walls, the photos blue tacked wonkily to the wall - the decor just screamed Kody.

Kody took a deep breath, dreading what he was about to do. "I think we need to talk about it, Arlo." He said, falling back onto his mattress, Arlo perching tentatively beside him. "For your sake, not mine." He explained. "I don't think you'll ever be comfortable around me until you know that I won't judge you, not for anything."

Arlo didn't reply verbally. He took off his hoodie, revealing his bare arms, and the healed cuts that littered them. His fingertips traced a particularly prominent scar that ran up his forearm, from the centre of his wrist to his elbow. On his other arm, he had almost the exact same scar. "I couldn't find enough pills to overdose on." He explained in a whisper, "So, I thought I could bleed out instead." This time, he didn't sound nervous. He was talking freely, sounding more confident than ever.

Kody didn't want to say something stupid, so he didn't say anything at all.

"Darya wasn't meant to find me." He admitted, his words heavy with regret. "She was supposed to be staying with a friend and my parents were away for the weekend - it was their anniversary." He explained, his emotions slowly starting to clog his throat. "I-I arranged for a carpet cleaner to come to the house. On the phone, I told them that everyone would be out and I'd leave a key under the doormat. It was fucked up that I was gonna make a stranger stumble upon something like that but I couldn't let my family find me...I-I just couldn't."

His eyes filled with tears and Kody shuffled closer, slipping an arm around his waist in an attempt to both support and comfort him.

Arlo dropped his head onto Kody's shoulder as he begun to cry, but he continued the story nonetheless. "Darya's friend got food poisoning so she had to come home early." He sniffed, wiping his cheeks. "I-I scarred her for life, Kody."

"No, you didn't." He murmured into his ear, twisting his slender fingers into Arlo's soft curls. "It's not your fault."

Arlo shook his head in disagreement, and his dishevelled curls ruffled in the process, ticking Kody's chin, "That's not something you can just forget. S-Seeing your brother passed out on the bathroom floor, covered in blood." He stammered, "Her room's right next to mine, and sometimes I still hear her crying in her sleep, calling out my name."

"Arlo." Kody tried to anchor him back to reality with his soft voice, "You can't blame yourself. You couldn't have known." He was drawing shapes on Arlo's shoulder through the thin cotton of his t-shirt. "She saved your life. I think that's worth one bad memory."

Arlo took his glasses off and placed them on Kody's bedside table so he could brush his tears away with the back of his hand. He shivered and pulled his hoodie back on, tugging the sleeves past his fingers instinctively. "I-I've never talked to anyone about this before." He murmured under his breath, as if he would lose the words if he uttered them too loudly. "O-Only my family, my therapist, and my doctors. I've definitely never talked about it willingly before."

Kody smiled slightly and tried not to notice how Arlo's hair smelt like vanilla. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to pressure you into telling me anything-"

"You didn't." Arlo hastily promised. "I-I wanted to tell you." He insisted, "Fuck, I barely even know you."

"That's not true." Kody laughed, "Look, you've been to my house and everything."

Arlo pulled away from Kody's gentle touch, and both boys were too scared to admit to themselves that they instantly missed the warmth and comfort of another beating heart. "Thanks, Kody." Arlo had a pretty smile, and because he wore it so rarely, Kody knew it was genuine.

In that moment, all Kody knew how to do was smile back in his typical fashion; wide, toothy, and probably very dorky.