eighteen

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When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about.

[Haruki Murakami]

• • •

Kody was sitting on a patch of grass that overlooked the foggy lake. His knees were pulled to his chest and his fingers were busy knotting daisy chains. He had so much to think about, and yet, his mind was blank. Numb. Empty.

He wondered whether diving into the lake's icy water would clear all the confusion that swirled around in his cloudy head. Maybe it would cleanse him, filter out the ugliness and help him focus. He wanted to forget those taunting green eyes that peeked into his thoughts and messed everything up. The eyes that destroyed him and made him reevaluate everything.

"Kody?"

He glanced up, meeting Megan's big welcoming eyes. She was holding a leash with a little brown sausage dog attached to the end with a tail that wouldn't stop wagging. Kody scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. He'd never had a real conversation with her. When he was new in town, she had flirted with him a little, which led to them hooking up at Alex's party - the first party he went to after leaving London. But that was the extent of their friendship. "Hi, Megan."

"Do you live around here?"

He shook his head, "No... No, I'm just here to...to do some thinking."

She knelt down beside him and crossed her legs. "Do you wanna think out loud?"

He sighed, "Have you ever fucked something up that you really care about?"

"Of course." She laughed.

"And when you first fuck it up, it hurts so bad, but after a while, the pain starts to fade. And then...you start wondering if maybe, after all that, fucking up was the best thing you could have done?"

She hesitated, "That's usually how the healing process works."

He gulped, and turned to look into her deep, gentle eyes that were so full of life and soul and meaning. How had he never noticed them before? For a minute, he wondered how he could have ever thought that she 'wasn't his type.' "We're so much stronger than we think we are. I'm always surprised by that." He finally said.

"Sometimes it feels as though the world drags us through shit just to prove a point. As if it's laughing, saying 'See? What'd I tell you? I knew you could do it'. Funny that." She giggled.

He gazed at her contemplatively, and then stood up, "I've got to go, Megan."

"Oh." She stood too. "Well, maybe, when you're not busy we could...talk some more...?"

He nodded absentmindedly, already beginning to walk away, "Sure." He faked a smile and left.

His hands were shaking by the time he reached Arlo's door. He knocked twice, waited nervously for an answer, and then met Darya's pretty eyes. "Oh, hey, Kody."

"Hi." He greeted, kneeling down to pet Lola who was already trying to jump up and lick his face. "Is he around?"

"I'll go get him."

"Thanks." He watched her leave, then wandered aimlessly into the kitchen, stopping dead in his tracks when he saw his friend propped up on the counter, clutching a hot mug of coffee, "Isabel?" He frowned.

She didn't reply for a moment, her blue eyes wide with shock. "H-Hey, Kody. You here for...?"

"For Arlo."

"Oh. You two are...?"

"Friends." He nodded, "You and Darya...you guys...?"

She shrugged, "Yeah. Yeah, we, uh...we reconnected."

He smiled encouragingly, "That's great, Issy. I'm really happy for you." He said, and he meant it.

"Thank you, Kody." She replied sincerely.

"What are you doing here, Kody?" Arlo asked from the doorway, his arms folded across his chest and eyebrows raised questioningly.

"I wanted to talk to you." Kody said, finding it hard to ignore Isabel and Darya's eyes on him, "Can we go somewhere private?"

Arlo breathed a heavy sigh of reluctance and nodded, leading Kody down the hall to his bedroom, "You could've called first."

"I didn't think you'd answer."

"I wouldn't have." Arlo said, shutting the door behind them once they reached his bedroom. Kody immediately noticed that the bright smiley sticky note was still stuck to his wall amongst his gloomy drawings of pain and suffering.

"I'm sorry, Arlo." He started. "I came across as a total dickhead, and I promise you that's not me."

"Oh, really? You could've fooled me." He rolled his eyes.

"Arlo." Kody murmured quietly, "You were right. You were right about everything. I was trying to fix you and that was wrong and fucked up. And I'm sorry."

Arlo looked startled by Kody's sincerity, "I've been doing a lot of thinking. About us."

"Me too."

"I really like you." Arlo looked pained to admit it. "But I'm not in a place right now where we can be anything more than friends. I want you but I don't need you. As hard as it is to admit, I think-"

"I agree."

"You...you do?"

Kody nodded, "I don't want to lose you and I'm scared that if we go out, eventually, that's gonna happen."

Arlo was silent for a few moments, "So...what do you want to do?"

Kody smiled sadly, "I want to hug you, say goodbye, and then come back tomorrow. Tomorrow, we start fresh. As friends."

Arlo collapsed into his arms, hugging him tightly, arms wrapped around his waist, face buried in his chest. The smell of his sweet shampoo no longer made Kody's heart flutter. Now, it made him feel comfortable, secure, happy. Arlo made him happy. And he didn't have to kiss him to get there.

It wasn't a breakup because the boys were never together. Not officially. And it wasn't the dissolution of something good; it was the creation of something even more beautiful.

This wasn't the end. This was only the beginning.

This was the start of something brand new.

When Kody dragged his tired body home, he found Sophia sitting on the sofa with her bunny, Pistachio, in her lap, watching a documentary about whales. He fell into the seat next to his sister, his head dropping onto her shoulder, "Have we got any ice cream?" He murmured.

She sighed and draped a blanket around his shoulders, "Arlo, huh?"

"It's over." He pouted.

"I'm sorry." She said, and she sounded genuine. She fetched a tub of ice cream and two spoons before turning the volume up and snuggling under the blanket with her brother.

"I wanted to prove everyone wrong so badly." He groaned through a mouthful of ice cream. "I wanted to show this town that I wasn't ashamed. But now I'm just that boring, average straight boy I was when we first moved down here."

"You may be boring, but you're not average." She teased, earning an eye roll from her brother. "Kody, I know it feels like you've just blended into this world without making your mark - trust me, that's how I feel everyday - but that's not the case. You fell for Arlo even though you knew it could've been dangerous. So what if no one knows how strong you were? You were brave and...and I'm still proud of you." She mumbled.

He smirked, "What was that?"

"Nothing."

"No, what did you just say? You were...what was it? You were proud of me?"

"Nah, funnily enough, I don't recall-?"

"Aw." He cooed jokingly. "My little sister is proud of me."

"Fuck you."

"I can't believe you're proud of-"

"Fuck that. You're embarrassing. If we weren't the only black people at school, I'd tell people we weren't related-"

"You're still proud of me though."

She sighed deeply. "I hate you."

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