Alexia Kirby

"Between seas, galaxies, and moons, I was lucky I stepped on the same land, I dreamed under the same stars as you." - Nighty Drunk Lovers

I think I'm going crazy again.

Last night I dreamed about two things: the way Grayson looked at me and Griffin. The way Grayson looked at me is burned into my memory, like a tattoo. It won't go away and I can't stop thinking about it.  The way he looked at me, makes me think he is capable of love like he wants to love. It makes me wish he would love me but then again I should never think that.

Then there's Griffin. He's gone, so why did I see him? All these years of therapy will not go to waste now only to have everyone say I'm crazy and I have to go back on anti-psychotics. But I need to make sure I'm not crazy, again. I don't want that label, I hate that label. People always think that due to my mental illness though.

I get out of bed and wash my face and brush my teeth before heading downstairs to the kitchen. I try to let the thoughts stay thoughts as I do so.  I find my mom just where I thought she would be, making breakfast. I also find Lia and Astrid perfectly intact at the table. Now I don't remember much after throwing up. My memory kind of blacked out from there but I do remember Emerson bringing me home and Lia helping me change.

I glance between the two before I sit down at the table as mom brings over our food. " Good morning Lex, how did you sleep?" Mom asks. "Fine." I croak out. I sound more worried and anxious than I planned on sounding. I begin to spin the anxiety ring Grayson gave me, the cool metal running over the pad of my finger feels nice.

To know it's his feels nice. So nice I want to throw up.

I look down at the bacon and avocado toast in front of me. " You look like you need this." Mom says sitting a gold Monster can in front of me. " Thanks, mom." I smile at her. She kisses my head in return. " I'll be getting ready girls and then we'll head to set. Last day of filming yay!" Mom says, pumping her hand up to the ceiling. She's excited to be going home.

"Never do that again." Aaliyah tells me,  as mom walks out of the kitchen with a plate of her own. " You need to get that look off your face." Aaliyah says through gritted teeth. " I'm fine." I whisper, still staring down at my food. Aaliyah gets up from the table and leaves the kitchen. She can feel however she wants, she's not the one with the problem.

"She's just worried, we both are. You said you saw him." Astrid says, leaning into the table as if someone was listening to us. " I did." I state. I twist the ring faster as my breathing gets faster. " You couldn't have. He's gone, Alexia. For good, it was your nerves, imagination." Astrid says, picking up her toast. Tears start to form as the anger rises. " I'm. not. Imagining it. I saw him! I saw Giffin!" I'm shaking now. I'm getting too worked up.

Clam breathes, turn the ring. Focus on the ring. I inwardly try to calm myself as my emotions take over. " Take them." Aaliyah demands, holding my pill bottle in front of me. I haven't taken these in weeks. My doctor said I could come off them since I was stable enough but if any major slip-ups came I'd be back on them. This is a major slip-up. I look up at her with teary eyes and snatch the bottle before storming off to my room.

It's not fair. Why am I the only one fucked up over this? I open the bottle and take one of the pills whole, at this point it's numbing. My room door opens and I see my mom walk in and take a seat beside me. " Lia told me what happened." Mom says. "Figures." I reply. "She did it because she cares, we all know you are a little more affected by what Griffin did than we are." Mom says. "Stop, I took the medicine, can we forget this happened." I say and get up and go to the bathroom. I don't want to talk about this, not right now, not today, not ever. I slipped up. I should have known I can never last long without the meds. Not after the incident.

My family is complicated, not what it seems. I guess that's why I can relate to Grayson so much. My parents have never abused or used me before but something did happen and just like in many stories it was a dark and stormy night.

A little too stormy.

The set is pretty boring but I take some time and find a gym space. Emerson said they are learning cheer routines for the movie so I use the space and film the videos I need to send to my coach and I read, as long as I stand in for one of the missing flyers. I agreed. It's a win, win situation. The routines aren't hard to learn and it's mostly practice for me which is something I need to do. I wore some Nike pros and my cheer sports bra under my outfit and packed a t-shirt for after I finish. Emerson also said she can have something delivered for me later if I wanted to shower and stuff.

Right now it is about lunchtime and I'm taking a break so I slip on my sports shorts and purple converse, so I can go out and get food.

They got catering for Subway today.

"Hey, are you ready for lunch?" Emerson asks from the doorway. " Absolutely." I reply and I get my Cheer Extreme t-shirt I wore here and throw it on along with my bookbag. "For someone who was jumping and tumbling, you don't look or smell sweaty." Emerson says as I get up close to her. " I freshened up in your office before coming back." I answer. "I'm glad you found it easily." Emerson says.

We go to the outdoor lunch tent and I choose a spicy Italian sandwich and make my way over to sit with Emerson and Grayson. " You're a good tumbler." Grayson states. "Thank you, but flying is more my specialty." I say, and sit down. " I can tell by the way you landed that twisted tuck." Grayson says, chuckling at the end. Excuse me, he did not just say that. " I'd like to see you try and do one since mine was so bad." I say sarcastically and roll my eyes. Asshole.

Grayson gets out of his chair and walks out of the tent to the side on the pavement, he looks behind him and around him for a moment before throwing a perfect standing twist back tuck. I scoff slightly as Grayson comes and sits back down. " Show off." I say. " Don't be bitter, McPerfect, you'll get it next time." Grayson smiles. I throw a mustard packet at him. " You two like this all the time?" Emerson asks. " Only when he's an ass." I answer. " I'm never an ass. Little Mcperfect over here is just boring" Grayson corrects. " I am not." I state. " You're right, you're not sometimes." Grayson says. I just roll my eyes and eat my sandwich.

After lunch Emerson decides now would be a good time to talk to Marina and so she asks her to come to her office.

While they are inside, Emerson decided she could do it but needed me for support, so I stand outside the door. The door beside me opens and out storms Marina and then out walks Emerson. " And her issue is?" I ask. " She's just bitchy." Emerson replies.

***

Now we are shooting the last scene of the day before leaving. This is the kiss scene they tried to do last time but Grayson couldn't so Emerson re-wrote it but today they actually kiss. Gross. I never knew I could feel such a deep pit and gut-wrenching sick feeling.

As the scene starts, I start to get nervous and the  strange pit forms in my stomach deepen. I feel almost jealous but that's impossible. I can't even stand the pop star. As far as this trip has gone I've had no feelings for Grayson and I don't intend to gain any. I didn't come to Los Angeles to get a boyfriend. Yet something in me feels strange. It's almost like that time when you realize you could form a crush on someone if you wanted but I figured that out yesterday. As my heartbeat speeds I look up and see Grayson already looking at me with the same invocable look he had yesterday and before I can blink he's standing right in front of me.

"Hey." He says. " Hi." I reply with a whisper. " I'm going to tell you something now and you don't have to say anything but uhmm...I don't know why or how but ever since charlie told me about you and Noah showed me a picture of you I can't get you out of my head and they say I have a crush but I don't know. I don't really know how crushes work so I'm confused. I just had to tell you that." Grayson rants nervously before he walks back to his marker.

He thinks he has a crush on me? He doesn't know how crushes work. Didn't he have a girlfriend before? Now I'm confused and in shock. For a moment I wish he wouldn't kiss her. The feeling is so small that it goes away so fast, but now that pit that was small is now bigger and my head is now asking me if should I let myself like him.

Could I have a crush?

I hate crushes. I can't have a crush, I've only been here for like almost a week and spring break ends in like three days I go home in two days.

Suddenly a screech comes to my ears and I snap from my thoughts, " I quit!" Yells Marina as she storms away. "What are we going to do?" The director turns to Emerson and Mr.Hayden looks at his daughter. " We don't have anyone who knows Mariana's parts!" The Garner panics.

He's a very thin and adorable-looking man. He's also very quirky.  He reminds me of Bobbie from Tinkerbell.

"Yes, we do. Lexi, recited the whole thing earlier when I was doing annotations on the script and I saw her reading the script today. Plus Lia has told me she'll remember parts and when she rehearses if she forgets a line she'll just tell her what it is from memory." Emerson says, jumping out of her stage chair. Oh no. She can't be thinking what I think she is.

Everyone turns to me as Emerson walks over to me. " I can't do this. I'm not trained for this and with what time? I have school." I say." We can do this. We'll fast-track and we only need your scenes plus we can do your school remotely if your mom approves. I promise you'll be back for Worlds. Please, please, please,  do this." Emerson begs. Her big eyes are boring into mine and I really want to say no but she's just so cute.

"You should do it." Astrid says. " I can't." I reply. "Lex, ever since I met you, you've loved acting and music and performing. This is your once-in-a-lifetime chance to do something you love for the world. I know we aren't super close but for what it's worth I think you'd be amazing and you should do it."  Aaliyah tells me. I'm scared and nervous and honestly, I want to puke but I say "Yes."

To say I wasn't prepared was an understatement because after my " yes" everything got chaotic. I got fitted and makeup ideas tested. My mom got on the phone with the school and set for online school and Emerson got me my own car and bodyguard and is even looking into managers. I got a dressing room too with a golden star on the door and everything. 

Tomorrow I have a photoshoot for character and promo photos. They already ordered billboards to be taken down and we took new cover photos. We filmed what Emerson called quick scenes and after all of that, I'm tired. My day is far from overthought because I still have  dinner with Emerson.

"How are you doing with all this?" Noah asks me, as he sits in his set chair. " Overwhelmed but good." I reply. " Don't worry, only three more scenes to go and so far you're a one-take wonder. How do you do it?" Noah says. " Well in theater when we perform we only get one chance to get it right so I pretend I'm in theater and just act." I answer. " That's a brilliant tactic, I may need to try that." Noah says. " Okay break over. Lex, we need you!" The director calls. " Hollywood awaits." I sigh and jump out of my chair.

***

Finally, I'm done for the day. I sit in front of my dressing room mirror taking my makeup off as I look back at myself. A few hours ago I was no one and now I'm in Emerson Hayden's debut movie that she wrote and produced  as a lead. I'm going to be listed as Danellia Lukov on posters forever. I take out my phone and press record, deciding I should tell Faith kind of in a personal way.

She's going to freak out when she hears about this.

I stop recording the video when I'm done and send it to her. " Hey, it's me." My mom says as she knocks on my door, I can see her enter through the mirror in my dressing room. " I wanted to give you these." My mom says holding out my antipsychotics and migraine medicine. "I know the migraines tend to come back when the hallucinations and breakdowns do." Mom says. "Thanks." I say, taking them from her. " I know you hate them, but we tried like the doctor said and you broke down within weeks, I can't risk you going off the deep end like before." Mom explains. " I know." I tell her. " Have fun at Emerson's tonight, please be home by eleven. I know you're responsible." My mom says and kisses my head. I give my mom a quick hug before she leaves and I finish changing and gathering my things. Tomorrow we shoot cheer scenes because apparently, Danellia is a cheerleader. Then we have location shoots where we have to go places and shoot. I get to visit a high school tomorrow.

I gather my bags and walk out of my dressing room to find Emerson and Grayson. I find them waiting near the front. Seeing Grayson for the first time today without all the chaos is refreshing surprisingly. His face is lovely and I don't like that I think that because that's exactly how crushes continue.

As we walk outside I notice Grayson walking to a different one, than I have rode in. So far I've been in a black sports car, a Jeep, but now an Audi. " I forgot you have five cars." I say to myself. " I forget sometimes too." Grayson says, " What's your dream car?" Emerson asks me as we walk to her white Range Rover. " A G-wagon or a Mazda" I answer. " How many cars do you have?" I ask her. " three. This one, my tesla, and my Jaguar. You?" Emerson answers. " One, which is a pain in my ass because I end up driving Lia around everywhere." I say. "Who are you riding with?" Emerson asks. " I'll ride with you." I answer. " See you at the house Gray." Emerson says. " Can I talk to you when we get to her house?" Grayson asks me. " Of course." I reply and try my best to smile and walk to the passenger side of Emerson's car. " By the way, you can call me Emmy or Emery. We're friends, no need to be formal." Emerson says before getting into the car.

Emerson lives in more of the hills of Los Angeles and her house looks over a nice view, with iron gates, and a private lake. She parks her car in the front and the guard opens the doors and takes the keys. " Thanks, Conner." She says to the man and he bows. " No problem Miss Hayden and-" He starts before turning to me not knowing my name. "Kirby." I fill in for him. " Of course Miss Kirby." Conner bows and goes to take the cars. " It takes a while to get used to." Emerson says to me. Right behind us Grayson  pulls up but they don't take his car he leaves his parked among the other cars. Grayson catches up to us and opens the front door for us after Emerson punches in the pin code.

Her home is a homey feel but a luxury home feel. Brown, cream, white, and gold are everywhere with dark wood and tiled floors along with hanging lights. The entrance is a foray that leads to floating curved stairs then to the right is a big open kitchen with glass doors that cover a wall and goes to a waterfall pool and to the right is a big tv room with leather seats and a tv that fits the whole wall. Behind the stairs is a waterfall that goes down to rocks and the water gives off such a peaceful sound.

Everyone is moving around in the kitchen and when I turn in I see one wall that has glass. It has a planet print on it that leads to the dining room that seems to fit about thirty people. " Sorry, we're late daddy." Emerson says. " It's fine, I talked to Garner." Her dad says. " I'll take your things." Emerson says and I hand her my jacket and book bag and she takes it to the living room and sits our things on a sofa. Emerson goes right over to Noah and kisses his cheek hugging him." No ews this time?" I ask Grayson. " Nah, it's been a long day, no need to be an ass right now." Grayson answers. " Didn't think you had it in you." I say. " Hey, Lexi wanna come help with the salad?" Mr. Hayden says.

"I'd love to."

After helping prepare the food with everyone while Scarlett and Raven set the table the rest of us prepped food and Charlie and Grayson set up the movie room while Zara picked a movie.  It was nice of Shawn to bring it, Emerson says she's always invited. She tries to be her friend as much as possible but even with time, Zara is skeptical.

"Will you go get Charlie and Gray for us Lex?" Kenan asks, well says. " Sure." I reply and sit the salad bowl down on the table and leave. As I walk closer to the living room I can hear them talking.

"I told her I think I have a crush on her today." Grayson states. " And what did she say?" Charlie asks. " Nothing. I walked away." Grayson replies. " Why'd you tell her?" Charlie asks. I've never heard Charlie sound so serious before it's slightly refreshing. " I felt like I needed to before I had to kiss Marina but it felt good. I still don't know what I'm feeling but I'm glad I got that off my chest." Grayson answers. " It's called a crush, Gray those happen, well not you you're stone." Charlie says and I hear him laugh a little. " I was stone." Grayson corrects. I take this as my opening to step in so I do.

"Time for dinner." I announce. " Awesome, I'm so ready for your mom's Moussaka." Charlie cheers. " You're greek?" I ask, confused. " Half Greek, half Italian-American but yeah it's obvious I mean I look like a Greek god don't I ?" Grayson says and I roll my eyes. " Ever so modest." I say, shaking my head as Charlie walks out. " Always." Grayson smirks. There's a small pause of space that passes by before I talk again. " Yes." I reply. " What?" he asks. " You asked if you look like a Greek god, my answer is yes." I reply. There's another pause, this time I end up turning to leave when he speaks, "Athena."

"What?" I ask, Grayson steps forward. " If you were a Greek goddess you'd be Athena." Grayson clarifies. "Why?" I ask. " You're