Noah

Not wanting to stay with Via's father, I followed her upstairs. It was only when she passed through her doorway that I saw the tears streaming down her cheeks. I pulled her into me instinctively, sitting down on her bed and she clung to my chest like she was going to break. I wasn't surprised that she was feeling this way and I would be lying if I said I wasn't partly responsible. I was beginning to realise that perhaps the reason why Via was the way she was wasn't one big thing - it was so many small ones that all fed into each other. Was I one of those?

She heaved out another sob into my T-shirt and I stroked her hair gently, not letting go until she was ready.

I'm sorry, she signed after wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her jumper I know I'm just being dramatic and everything

"You don't have to apologise," I replied, my arm still around her back, her head still close to my chest.

Yes, I do, I shook my head but she continued with everything that's going on it's not fair to drag you into this as well.

It was only then that I remembered why I was here in the first place. The photograph. What had felt like the bane of my existence for the past two days, especially with Harrison now parading the school telling even more people.

"This isn't your fault - you said it yourself - he
turned up a day early."

I know but I-

"Via you need to stop doing this." When would she ever trust me? When would she ever see that all I wanted to do was help her? When would she stop hiding everything from me?

I can't. She rubbed her eyes again, almost avoiding eye contact. I didn't understand. It's like every time I can't help thinking that this was never going to work. When you started avoiding me yesterday because of the photo it was almost like I was relieved because I still can't get my head around why you'd like me - why you're still here.

"What are you taking about?"

I've tried so hard to make this work and pushed away the idea that you hang out with people like Harrison but - but I can't any more. I can't stop thinking about how you're embarrassed by me at school -

"I'm not em-"

Don't. Don't try to deny it because you know it's true and I don't blame it on you because it's probably what I'd do but it's just another thing that makes this whole relationship more and more impossible. We're just two different people who just weren't meant for each other and that's just how it is. She finally looked up at me and I could feel my eyes welling up. Why was she saying all of this when it obviously wasn't true. Was it?

Just then the door opened and Via's mum came into the room. I didn't know what to do as she went straight to give Via a massive hug. Just like I had done, I wanted to point out. I'd done the same so why did she want to break up? I just didn't understand at all.

"Sshh" Via's mum breathed into Via's hair and then looked up at me like a misplaced object. I hated this so much. "Noah would you mind coming back a bit later – it's all a bit chaotic at the moment?"

I nodded my head accordingly and left, only observing her father for a few seconds. He gave an apologetic smile from the kitchen table and I closed the front door quietly. When would Via ever trust me? I didn't get why she thought it was best to hide all her problems when I wasn't going to hurt her in any way if she told me.

With everything with Via at the moment, it just felt like some moments I completely understood her and then others, like now, I was completely lost in ever comprehending what she was doing. I put so much into trying to make her feel like she could completely confide in me and then she never did. It was impossible.

XXX

School was insufferable with everything going on. My mates hadn't exactly taken the whole photo lightly and I knew the damage had been done. I still had to go unfortunately.

"Hey Noah!" Tony greeted me as I walked out to the benches, but it wasn't as easy as it used to be. His smile faltered slightly and I tried to pretend I didn't see Harrison's smirk.

"Hey guys!" I smiled and sat down on one of the blue seats. They had stopped talking as soon as they'd seen me so it wasn't as if we could go back to their previous conversation. "How's it going?"

"OH it's err it's going good," Connor looked down at his feet instead of me and I just wanted to scream. They hadn't directly asked about the incident and I hadn't told them, so we were in that awkward stage when you have to end up going back to small talk to avoid the elephant in the room. In some ways, I'd rather they'd just finally pop the question, but then again, I didn't exactly have a definite answer. Would telling them about Via be a good idea?

On the one hand, it would be finally getting it out in the open. I wasn't exactly ashamed of Via, it's just well, this is high school isn't it? Nobody is really themselves in high school, because unfortunately fitting in seems to be the most important thing. That's why Mackenzie and everyone else thought it was ok to constantly bully Via – because she wasn't the conventional teenage girl that they wanted. I wish everyone would just finally get over themselves and see that she isn't who they all thought she was and that was that. I just didn't know how to make that happen enough for people not to give me, or her, shit if I told the truth.

VIA

It was official: my life was over. I mean, that was the only logical explanation wasn't it? My childhood friend was ignoring me, my friend wanted to go back to the popular group, my dad still blamed me for everything, the whole school was now interested in making fun of me again, and I'd just inflicted a break up on myself. I don't even know why I did break up with Noah – it all just felt too much. I can't explain it any way other than saying that I just wanted everyone to leave me alone to finally get my shit together. It's ironic isn't it; I had created a problem because of the massive list of other problems I was dealing with. Noah would get over it, I would get over it... eventually. I hoped so anyway.

Maybe it was a good thing that we broke up, maybe what I told him was the truth, but here I was nonetheless, snuggled up under my duvet feeling sorry for myself. I really was pathetic wasn't I? It just wouldn't go away – the nagging doubt of wondering what would have happened if I hadn't just done what I had. What if Noah was still here, what if Noah was still my boyfriend, what if... ugh. I needed to end this once and for all. I just didn't know how – that was the problem.

"How are you doing sweetheart?" My mum gently prised my bedroom door open and I rubbed my eyes in a last-ditch attempt at looking ill; I couldn't face school tomorrow – no way was I going back to that hellhole to be made a laughing stock of again. There was probably no need in the attempt in that my eyes already felt sore from the tears that kept leaking out of them.

I'm ok I think, my hands felt cold out of the covers and my signing was all over the place. I didn't feel like me anymore. "I think I just need to rest."

"Oh sweet pea!" She always used to call me sweet pea when I was a baby. It just made everything ten million times more painful, what with it reminding me of a time when things weren't like this – when everything wasn't so complicated. I snuggled further into the soft sheets, pulling it over my nose. My mum came and parked next to me, stroking my head. "I can't apologise enough for your father... it-"

Mum it's fine! I cut her off slowly. He's the one who got the day wrong not you.
My father had left shortly after my mum turned up and that was that. He said he'd come back tomorrow and that was fine with me, so long as I didn't have to see him. I didn't want to repeat that experience again after everything. It still hurt to know he felt the same way – hadn't even thought about the fact that maybe I was hurting during that period too whilst he was drowning himself on my behalf. He 'tried' that's what he said wasn't it? He 'tried'. I could feel my anger rising, and rubbed my eyes again, attempting to hide it from my mum. It would just make her feel worse if I told her all of this.

"Do you want to talk about it?" My mum looked at me with hopeful eyes – like me speaking to her about everything that happened would be some sort of revelation. To be fair, when it came to all of these complications, I was the master at sweeping them under the carpet but at the same time, I had nothing to say about them because I hated thinking about that period of time. It was all a mess and I was as well, that was safe to say.