Ok before you read this: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I was loving everything going smoothly as well but please stick with it because I promise that it will get better again!

Via

It was perfect. And then it wasn't.
It all started the next Monday, a day that on the face of it shouldn't have been at all significant, but later became a subject of a lot of nightmares.

I walked through the faded green gates of school smiling for once, the thought of spending the next six hours here not as intimidating as it always was on a Monday morning. My stride was confident, and it wasn't until that I stepped though the chunky doors that I saw the mass of people in reception.

They were all crowded round the noticeboard that I didn't think anyone actually paid attention to; all it held were exam dates and equally uninteresting things that people don't like to think about. I decided that either they've added another exam or more likely somebody's put something on there. I had no idea what that could be and being quite a bit smaller than everything, I had no chance of seeing it, but I couldn't lie that I wasn't curious. I shrugged and walked up to tutor thinking no more about it.

XXX

"So I am expecting you all to be at rehearsals if you're involved in the musical!" Nobody was listening to Mr Peters, that much was obvious. Instead they were all whispering and giggling together, a noise that undoubtedly gave me a tight chest. Even though they could be talking about a whole multitude of things, my paranoid brain told me that they were whispering excitedly about me and how weird I am. I guessed that it was probably that it had happened so many times before not because it was true.

The bell went and I gave a small smile to Sir who looked at us all disappointedly. Seriously, I'd never join the musical if you paid me thousands of pounds.

It was only when I was walking down to go to English when I saw it. The thing that everybody had been looking at this morning.

The thing that now made me feel sick to my stomach.

It was a picture of us. Of Me and Noah kissing.

My hair tangled around his cheek, both our eyes closed, blind to the person who took it.
I stayed there, letting the crowd of people wanting to get to lessons push behind me. It was like I had forgotten how to function – I felt like I couldn't think straight or move at all. Almost like an actor in a play when the curtain goes down and they go back to being themselves again. I didn't know who I was in the first place and I had no idea who I was now.

The snickering behind me increased enough for me to turn around to Mackenzie. She was alone this time – the corridor empty. She smiled at me, her whole teeth showing like the big bad wolf.

"Say thank you then silly!" I should have realised it was her. She took a step closer to me, her face nearly touching mine "you know, I really don't understand you at all."

Why wasn't she bored of me yet? I'd basically let her tear me apart since the start of the year so why was she coming back for more?

"I mean, I know I joke about you not having a brain but you seriously don't seem to have any thoughts." I wished that I could just tell her right there and then, tell her what happened to me, why she would never understand how angry that last sentence made me. But of course, I can't. Lucky me. "So how the hell do Katie and Noah like you?!"

Ugh not this again. So this is why she hadn't given up: in her eyes I still possessed something that she wanted. She had plenty of friends, why was she so concerned about Katie? It was Mackenzie that excommunicated her in the first place wasn't it?

My brain hurt and I couldn't be bothered to listen to Mackenzie try to 'understand' me any more so I plainly walked away into the toilets. She didn't follow and for that I was very grateful. That's where it all dawned on me, in one of the small cubicles in the girl's bathroom: everyone knew about us now.

Like EVERYONE in the school knew that Noah kissed me and that could only be a bad thing, right? I mean, I never pretended not to understand why Noah didn't tell anyone about us and not to mention Harrison now knew. I had no idea what Noah was going to say about this, if anything, but I hoped more than anything that it hadn't scared him off – that things would just go back to the way they were before.

I made the long walk back to English, opening the door quietly. Everybody's eyes were on me anyway and I walked to the back with my head down. Even Mrs Fields was staring at me intently. I wished people would stop acting surprised by the fact that I actually have a life once in a while.

Fortunately, I wasn't that interesting to them and after a few minutes of Miss attempting to get everyone's attention, they turned back and forgot all about me. Or so I thought.

"Have you heard about what happened with Noah and Via?" Carrie asked her friend in front of me loudly.

"Erm... yes? Who hasn't?" Sydney replied and they giggled together "I still don't understand it though!"

"I know! I mean, how could something like that actually happen?!" I willed myself to focus on the blank sheet of paper on my desk but it was impossible not to hear them. It was like they were doing it on purpose just to make me feel worse about the entire situation.

"Yeah like Noah's well... hot and well Via..." They shared a glance that I'd rather forget.

"Via's a weirdo!" Carrie was especially loud and I saw them quickly take a peek at me. "It was definitely her right?"

"Yeah 100% - definitely her hair!" They
snickered and I felt sick "I swear though it's actually disgusting!"

"The picture or her hair?"

"Both!" They laughed hysterically like hyenas and the familiar prickly feeling in my eyes suddenly appeared. Why couldn't I take it that people thought of me that way? I'd spent the entirety of 18 months knowing that I was the subject of so many inside jokes and still I couldn't accept it. I still couldn't understand that there was nothing I could do to make it stop because I was broken. This was just what my life was going to consist of at least until I leave High school, but even then it was probably going to continue. I just had to wrap my head around that in order to prepare myself.

I looked up to Noah who just looked really spaced out. It didn't fill me with much confidence at all to be honest. I could feel myself reaching the conclusion that I'd tried ot ignore this entire time: he was ashamed of me. He didn't want to tell his friends because he knew they would just tease him about it and he trusted in their opinions more. He was only ok with a relationship with me if it was secret and couldn't face the fact that it was now public.

"Awww bless her!" Carrie said looking directly at me. I avoided her eyes "She's trying to get her Prince Charming's attention!"

Sydney snickered "She probably actually does think that though – if she thinks at all!"

I dug my fingernails in my left palm and left them there for the remainder of the lesson.

XXX

Noah didn't come at break time. I didn't expect him to; after all it wouldn't be only me that would face the consequences of what happened between us. It still hurt though – I couldn't pretend that it didn't. Carrie and Sydney's words were still circling my mind and I longed for my duvet just like before but even more desperately this time. I couldn't deal with everything. Couldn't deal with the fact that this had happened. Couldn't deal with the fact that Mackenzie was obviously out to ruin my life. Couldn't deal with the fact that I was preparing for Harrison coming in any moment.

I was exhausted. That's the only feeling I had after everything. I was tired and I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. Everything was just too much to be real and I wanted so badly to just sleep and forget this like some bad dream.

"Are you ok?" Katie asked me in Biology. I didn't want to be mean to Katie because at the end of the day she had nothing to do with this but at the same time I didn't feel like talking to her, or anyone for that matter.

I'm fine

"Are you sure?" She looked at me with the same eyes that Mrs Porter did when she talked about what a 'hard time' I've had: like I was going to break down any second. Like I was the thin ice that was going to break any minute. Why did everyone think I was so weak?

Yeah I'm fine! Sorry I'm just tired

"I get it." Katie smiled and it was nice. Maybe I didn't give her enough credit when it came to understanding my logic. To be honest, sometimes she was better than me.

Mackenzie turned around like she did so many times in Biology and smiled at Katie.

"Hey why don't you sit next to me again?" She asked politely but I could still sense her quiet confidence – the self importance that seemed to ooze out of her.

"I think I'm ok here for now," Katie smiled and went back to her work

"Are you sure?" She took a breath, her smile deteriorating despite herself. I looked between them, wondering if I was imagining the sudden tension in the room, "Because I would hate for us not to be talking again?" Katie didn't flinch

"Or maybe for me to talk a little too much perhaps?"

"You don't mind if...?" Katie asked me in a low voice, half the sentence dying in her throat and I shook my head. She headed to sit next to Mackenzie and here I was: back at square one.

Hi I decided to post a day early because it's my birthday and this book somehow managed to get the honourable mention in the Sass Awards for the teen fiction category! (If you can't already tell I still can't believe it). I can't really ask if you enjoyed this chapter because... it's this chapter but have a nice day anyway! :)