20. A Compromise

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22 May 2019

He blocked me again. I kept calling as usual.

I was hell-bent on showing him how much I loved him. I knew he's not the man for every girl out there. I was very sure of keeping him happy for the rest of our lives. The way he spoke to me like he never did to anyone gave me a ray of hope. I knew he was happy listening to my banter whenever he's free - It's just he never initiated.

He's not the man who would break a rule. He's the one who preferred a bright career, meaning not to have a girlfriend. I tried hard to break it, and he's pissed off about it. He would change someday.

03 June 2019

I hoped he would unblock again, but it never happened.

Why is he this stubborn? I'm not a bad girl. I am not asking for a casual relationship. Doesn't he realize I would wait for a lifetime if he said a simple 'Yes?'

I can't seem to control the unending tears cascading as soon as I become alone in my bedroom and switch the lights off.

I love darkness these days. It lets me be who I am without having to worry about who's watching.

04 November 2019

It is my birthday tomorrow. I mailed him, "It's my birthday. I wish to hear your voice first in the morning tomorrow. Please pick up my call... I will call you as soon as I wake up," fully knowing what's about to come.

He read my mail after about an hour, and his reply blew me away "You do not know what happiness is. If you did, you wouldn't be searching for it in others. So, no point in me picking up."

My eyes glistened with happiness noting two points

- He doesn't want me disappointed on my birthday, cannot break his rule list.

- He read my mail, meaning he didn't block me after my first mail.

That's what Sahil taught me. To remain strong and never lose hope. Days would turn, and he would change since my love for him is genuine and pure.

05 November 2019

I called him that day from a different number on my birthday, and he took the call "Hello"......."Hello"........."Hello." I kept silent, enjoying his voice even if it was for mere seconds. He didn't call back, and I was sure he knew it was me.

He re-read my emails almost 5-6 times that day, probably to take his revenge for crossing limits, but nothing happened. I was content he didn't do anything.

2020

💜It's not wrong to love someone who doesn't love you back. But, Ignoring the person who loves you the most is a sin.

I wish to remember this advice of Amma for a lifetime. I wish to never hurt someone who truly loves me.💜

25 January 2020

It's his birthday that day. I sent him a voice mail about my intentions. I proposed to him and made my decision of wishing to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him clear. I informed him about how I spoke to my parents too about the same. He read the mail, and I was content. As a birthday present, I drew him a sketch expressing my love for him.

08 March 2020

It's been 441 days of me calling him......

I texted him being very angry after thinking he unblocked me for three days and blocked me again. Those three days gave me hope which was poorly shaken.

"Take the call now. I will not call from tomorrow," I texted him, knowing well he would accept a one-day headache, to be peaceful from the next day.

"Bad time... Anyway, there's not much to talk about. I don't wish to discuss this anymore. I won't change my decision, and stop bugging me," He replied as expected.

"Sure, I am anyway thinking of doing that after six months," I typed my reply, fully aware of what's about to come.

"Good, Why wait for six months? Start from now!" My phone popped with his reply.

"I'm not telling you that I would forget you. I will compromise myself to cry for a lifetime after six months," I replied, knowing well it's going to trigger him. I was very sure that he didn't want me in tears precisely because of him. He cared that much.

That night he spent about 4-5 hours trying to convince me with his stupidity - "I'm not interested in a relationship at all - be it any kind. Relationships are just an extra burden. I would try not to cry even if my parents died... Blah... blah....."

I somehow convinced him to talk to me for about six months, and I would move on later. He agreed after whining a lot, not wanting to upset me, probably. The best thing I remember from our chat is he called me 'Good'- 'You are good compared to many other people out there. I don't hate you. I pity you for your foolish decision of loving me without moving on' were his exact sentences.

I grinned like a mad girl knowing he considered me good and didn't negatively impression me after almost a year-long unending calls.

My friends always told me I'm an amazing girl with a pure heart, innocence, compassion, loyalty, and so much more. But no compliment ever meant more than his simple 'Good.'

12 August 2020

I got placed today with a decent package of 25Lpa and a base of 14Lpa. Very Decent Income.

All I need is a Yes from Santosh. I can look after him even if he doesn't work. He can happily pursue his interests without worrying about anything.

He doesn't even have to feel responsible. I would fulfill his every responsibility if he just lets me stay with him.

He doesn't have to love me. He doesn't have to treat me right. I don't even need kids if that can convince him. All he has to agree for is to let me stay with him.

04 November 2020

It's my Birthday and Diwali as usual. I was too tired from shopping yesterday.

I promised myself to move on if he didn't change in the last six months. I texted him to end things between us. We spoke only twice during the previous six months. He ignored the rest of the texts I sent occasionally.

He cannot be happy with me with thoughts of remaining single for a lifetime, and I don't want to be the reason for his disturbance. The Santosh I knew till his birthday when I sent the cake would've been very happy with me but this person whom I spoke to six months ago is a changed man.

He wished me 'Happy Deepawali' when I texted asking where he was. A surprise, but I'm too broken even to feel happy. He wished me when I said it was my birthday, and I didn't feel the slightest bit of delight after my wish for the last five years had been granted. It's a simple wish which he doesn't mean.

His remark "Don't make me regret talking to you" when I asked if I could call was the ultimate end. I was pissed off beyond words, and I never thought I would do what I did the next moment.

He said he could talk if I didn't bring up unnecessary topics, but I don't care anymore.

"Get Lost if you're doing a favor on me," I replied. I never told 'Get Lost' to a person no matter how angry I was. This is the first time, and I hope I never say it to anyone ever again.

"I wish I could slap you tight for this and every other hurtful thing you said, but I'm too good to do that. Also, Don't think I'm at your mercy from now. Those days are so over.

Don't even dare say I'm harsh. I'm only paying back.

I still admire you, respect you, and all that, but I'm not tolerating it anymore.

I had to get it off my head.

Goodnight and Goodbye."

Those were some of our last texts. He replied with a Bye, and I hope he gains some maturity to talk to me properly someday.

Also, I wasn't angry with him. I was harsh but it was needed to keep myself away from him. I can't melt this time like every other time. The last thing I would feel for him is hatred and anger.

I told him that I would never text again or look back. I hope to keep up with this plan.

31 December 2020

Is it a sin to fall in love? But, Amma or Papa never told me it is. They might not know what happened between me and Santosh but they knew my feelings. They were fine with it.

I might seem obsessed, mad, and everything trying to pursue him, but I also left him realizing he wouldn't be happy with me anymore.

I hope he's happy with life. I wanted to be that woman in his life who showed him what love, caring, and selflessness meant, but I'm too unfortunate.

Why couldn't he speak affectionately to me at least once?

Why was he rude to me all the time? Maybe he could've explained it smoothly. I would've probably listened even if he spent a moment with me affectionately and cherished those memories for the rest of my life.

Isn't he wrong in being that rude to a girl who placed his happiness above hers?

How could he lack a tiny bit of kindness. Every time he spoke to me, he rudely blurted out what he wanted in a sentence.

Was his ignorance right?

What sin did I commit to deserve this pain?

It's said that if you wish for something wholeheartedly and try sincerely, it'll be yours. Isn't my love enough?

What have I not done for him? I did everything to win his affection but nothing worked.

Am I that unworthy or not at all lovable?

Atleast I'm content that I lost after trying hard. I won't regret all my love thinking I haven't tried enough.

Giving up in the middle or not starting are the same. Both kinds of people don't deserve success in life.

Siddharth ran his fingers across the page that's dry from tears like most other ones in that diary.

One thing he understood was that she cried a lot. Probably every night just the way she did during initial days of marriage. He felt a pang in his heart as her words echoed in his head.

How he wished to go back in time and be that shoulder to lean onto!

It pricked him that she had to deal with all these feelings.

2021

Siddharth Malhotra happened! I'm officially Mrs. Avni Siddharth Malhotra from this year.

There are only two pages in the entire book.

20 May 2021

Engagement.

I met Siddharth today for the first time. I know nothing about him, but he's so gentle and caring. I could feel that every moment he stood beside me and in his every action.

I hate myself now.

I thought of living like a contract in a loveless marriage, but Siddharth doesn't deserve that.

It's too late as Engagement means half marriage. I have to talk to him soon.

14 August 2021

I'm officially Mrs. Avni Siddharth Malhotra. I have hopes of happiness somewhere. Maybe God sent Siddharth to heal me and love me forever.

Siddharth was blank for a while after closing the diaries. He had mixed feelings.

He was pissed off with the whole thing. How could she go to that extent for a guy who doesn't feel the same way for her. It was very annoying for him after the whole reading. He forgot it's Avni for a moment.

He saw girls who changed boyfriend like dresses. He came across woman who were gentle and lovable. But he never witnessed a girl going to this extent for the man she loves. Never ever in his surroundings that too for one sided love.

He started reading in the morning and it's night now. The only thing he did during the entire time was breathing other than reading.

Thankfully, he read at a slow motion to feel her emotions. Had he read at a fast pace, he would've probably ended up being utterly confused.

He dozed off after dinner leaving the thinking part to next day. The more he tried feeling better, the more he was frustrated.

The morning was frustrating as her every word still lingered in her head.

Avni called him but he cut it as soon as her name came into vision. He wasn't ready yet!

______________________________________

What would you name her feelings? Obsession? Madness? Stubbornness? Crush? Infatuation? ❓

I think Love is a mixture of everything.

Do comment your opinions.

Frankly speaking, would you have wished for the success of her love story before Siddharth came into her life❓

But everything happens for a reason.

Is Siddharth justified in feeling all the negative emotions❓

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