19. The beginning of the end!

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18 May 2018

The weather in Bangalore is pleasant and soothing. Neither too warm nor too cold. Aunt is here, and my cousin's kid is honestly super annoying. I hate children who cry at every opportunity they get. I wonder if that girl descended from some Mars to receive attention all the time.

My cousin treats me well. Anyway, the only motto behind being here is meeting Santosh, though. Amma and Papa would be waiting for my return after four months.

20 May 2018

I am very eager to meet him. I hope he wouldn't care for me. That would end my stupid crush, and I can happily move on, considering him another douchebag who can't treat women right.

I rang him, and we spoke for a while. I asked if we could catch up. He had way too many friends, and I didn't expect him to take some time for me.

He agreed on Friday night, but I hesitated. Going out at night isn't safe.

Amma and Papa were a little skeptical of sending me, but she left it to my wish.

25 May 2018

I cried all night at his betrayal. He told me he would try for Saturday. He couldn't even text, conveying he had other plans.

I had plans to explore the city with my cousin, but I'm not in the mood anymore. All I did was cry in my room.

Bangalore Trip Officially Ruined!

06 July 2018

It's been a month since I texted him. I was yearning to talk to him, but my self-respect was saying 'No.'

Talking to a guy who considers his damn friends he sees every day more critical? It's alright. I don't mind.

But, Talking to the guy who couldn't even tell me beforehand that he can't make it? Definitely No! It reveals how he's taken me for granted. I'm not tolerating that.

20 July 2018

My aunt called me and asked about Santosh.

I melted, recalling him. I can't stay without talking to him.

I rang him, and he didn't even apologize. I let go. We spoke about cricket, his expenses in Bangalore, and his journey home.

One thing I like is how he openly admits his expenses and financial status. I would never do that. My parents give me everything I ask, even if they cannot afford it, and telling someone about our financial status wouldn't go well with me.

26 July 2018

Santosh likes ice cream. Noted!

Frankly speaking, I'm not a fan of chocolates and ice creams.

09 August 2018

I'm back at college again. Santosh is busy fetching an internship. I couldn't talk to him.

20 August 2018

I called Santosh, but he didn't call back. He usually does every time.

21 August 2018

I rang him again, keeping my self-respect aside. He answered the call this time and explained how he was traveling yesterday to his grandparents' home. That's a relief.

13 October 2018

I do not know what happened, but Santosh hasn't called back. It's becoming frequent these days. His answer to that? He wouldn't even call his parents back as he forgot.

I waited all night for his text or call, but nothing came. I somewhere knew he wouldn't call after 10 pm, but I hoped.

14 October 2018

The crushing of hope brings tears. Isn't that normal? I cried all day waiting for his call, which never came.

I dozed off early as last night's sleep was disastrous with his thoughts and nightmares.

Is he ignoring me? One thing I'm pretty sure if he knows my feelings. That's me. If I hate or love a person, they'll know it themselves. I can't pretend. Whatever is in the heart comes out.

20 October 2018

It's Dussehra today!

I called him, wishing to reveal my feelings. I knew he never liked me that way, but I hoped he would give it a thought after expressing my feelings.

"I like you, from the past three years. I like you very much," I spoke into the phone, not knowing what to expect with fingers crossed.

He remained silent for a while, probably not knowing what to speak, and spoke, "I'm playing a game. I'll call you later."

I waited for his call all night. He replied with a sorry when I texted him the next day. His explanation was he had forgotten.

How can his game become more important than my feelings?

Why is he so inconsiderate?

He doesn't know what to answer. He usually avoids such situations. He is always that guy who never confirms anything and looks for a safe play in my case.

I am pretty sure that I am the first girl who speaks to him this well. Unbelievable? He has no acquaintance with a lady other than his mother, as per my knowledge. Also, I guess his interaction with family is limited too. He loves them, but he doesn't speak much.

Coming to his friends, they speak most of the time, and he involves himself in discussions.

I'm not blaming him, but I am not even happy with what he did.

21 October 2018

He apologized after I indirectly ranted about how disgusting his behavior was. I never thought he knew to say SORRY, but I'm still pissed off about the whole situation.

24 October 2018

My anger melted away. I hope he treats me better with time.

He doesn't know anything about girls, their state of mind, their psychology, and that's sometimes cute.

07 November 2018

It's Diwali! My birthday! Yayyyy!

I always celebrate my Birthday on Diwali according to Indian Calendar, and only close friends know that. It's fantastic to celebrate Birthdays and festivals together cause the whole world celebrates the festival of lights.

I longed for his call and wished, which never came.

19 November 2018

I can feel us growing apart. I called him tonight, and we spoke routinely. Being angry with him is next to impossible.

20 December 2018

We had a lengthy two-hour talk today.

He said I'm the only girl who's close to him. I'm on cloud nine if I already knew that.

He told me how his friends were staring at him weirdly as he never spoke on a call for more than ten minutes.

We spoke for one and a half hours that day till the call was finally cut due to the time limit.

He knows a tiny bit about me like I never expected. The way I convey the opposite of my feelings, the way I fight over his ignorance and text frequently till he replies, and how he guessed my crush on him before I admitted.

I told him how I glanced at him now and then during our 12th standard, and he said he didn't know. I thought it was pretty obvious.

It feels amazing after so long.

Kavya was astonished when I told her about our long call. She had a mini heart attack.

2019

🦋Flying like a butterfly is beautiful. But, Remember, the caterpillar broke its shell to be one.🦋

25 January 2019

It was the 25th of January, the day I remembered even in my deepest sleep. It's his Birthday. He's turning 20. I knew the kind of friends he had, and I was pretty sure none would bother to bring him a cake. Sensing his love for food, I decided on gifting him a cake - An Ibaco Swiss Choco Symphony, in particular, appreciating his love for ice cream. It took me a month of wholesome research to finally pick one.

It's five o'clock in the evening, and I knew he'd be lying down on the bed in his hostel room replying to all the wishes he received. I finally placed my order on Swiggy after about twenty calls inquiring- Will the ice-cream cake melt by the time it's delivered? Can you provide it with a knife and candles? Can you include a personalized message card with ' Happy Birthday, Mr. Happy?' and so much more. Yes, Mr. Happy, His name meant happiness which is probably missing in my life right now.

I crossed my fingers in anticipation, hoping he would accept the cake. I stalked him on WhatsApp as soon as I was notified of the successful delivery. He was online for about 5 minutes and then went offline. I was grinning like an idiot, imagining him cutting the cake and relishing it.

It was past 7 pm when I received a text from him "Did you send me the cake?" I instantly knew I was in trouble. I tried ignoring the question and having my share of fun.

"I'm sorry, I forgot. Happy birthday," I replied after contemplating. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

"Don't you know who sent you the cake?........ Must be your secret girlfriend," I initiated, having my share of fun texting him. He never speaks more than necessary, and reading his texts is my joy.

"Seems like someone else likes me more than you; no offense," He replied smartly, wanting me to reveal it myself, fully aware of the truth.

"How dare he?"

I was fuming with anger at that point. "None can ever like you more than me. You better take a note of that," I retorted, stopping the swing in the children's playground all of a sudden. I was a 20 year old and still enjoyed sneaking into the garden at night.

"But you didn't send me the cake, right!" His snide remark popped in my phone, leaving me cursing him.

I rang him that moment, my frustration getting the best of me. It rang for a while before he answered in his calm voice - "Hello."

"Did you send me the cake?" He spoke in a steely voice on the phone.

"Yes. Happy Birthday, Santosh!" I chirped in delight, wishing him the best, praying silently to let him have every happiness he ever desired. I was fully aware of what was about to come but still hoped for the best.

"Thank you. This is the most expensive cake I ate to date," He replied, and I had an unknown negative feeling. He thanked me several times, which felt weird.

"We'll talk later," He cut the call after a few minutes as he was going out with friends.

I had negative vibes for the next few hours and texted him later that night.

"We shouldn't talk anymore," He texted, immediately returning the money I spent on his cake, according to him -950 INR.

26 January 2019

I called him again the next day to convince him not to want to ruin his birthday with an argument. He remained firm with his decision, and I couldn't help the unending drops of tears running down my cheeks.

He said our friendship was over and that I crossed a line, according to him. Haven't I struggled and prayed to see that slight smile on his face? The last thing I wished for was him being indebted to me and accepting me. I had no negative intension, but his head was too spoiled to see the pure motive behind it.

I called later at night with a clear mind, and he blocked me. I'm damn stubborn when I want something. VERY Stubborn! I'm going to show that guy the same. I called him more than sixty times till he finally answered the call. I tried being normal.

"I am blocking you if you call me again. We're not speaking," Santosh said.

"As if you haven't already done that," I shot back, and we ended it.

My friends tried explaining whatever they could - scolding him for being an idiot to help me feel better, assuring me how beautiful I am, letting me share my pain.

09 February 2019

It's been two weeks since I spoke to him. I've been crying every night, recalling him. I don't know what's happening to me anymore. I think I am in love with him.

Distance brings hearts closer. I realized my crush on him after he shifted his means of transport. I discovered my love for him after he ended things between us. What an irony!

I spoke to Sahil about this, and he backed me up. He suggested I call till he answers. A few times every day.

16 February 2019

It's been a week since I last heard him. It's a Saturday night, and he tried explaining to me, answering the call, "It's not good for both of us. I don't want you crying. Let go of me. It's not like I don't like you. I'm just not interested in a relationship." I smiled, knowing he cared - He always did. It's just that he never knew what love was, had no girl in his life except for his mother.

21 May 2019

It's been three months already. He never answered my call though I rang him every day with patience. The intention is not stubbornness this time. It's to show him how hard I can try to win his love. Maybe he would think positively at least once if I kept calling every day.

He texted me tonight—the least expected message. I told him 'I Love You' in chat. He called my feelings bullshit. He said there would be no use if I kept bugging him, and he wouldn't change.

I'm hurt. I am unofficially dead.

How could he call my feelings bullshit and use such nasty words?

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