Chapter Somg: Medicine- JC Stewart || Chemicals- Dean Lewis

Four years ago

Shaking.

My hands, my legs, my heart. My everythigng was shaking. I couldn't help it. The only thing I could focus on was the amount of times I continued to bounce my knee up and down.

483.

The waiting room was silent even though it was filled with everyone we all grew up with. Except the Parker's they were with Liv.

Saying their goodbyes.

But we all were pretending it wasn't a goodbye. It was easier that way. Or at least it was for me. I hated goodbyes. Especially expected ones.

She got sick last summer. A little bit after Kenny left. She's made it a lot longer than what the doctors thought she was going to. It wasn't fucking fair.

I couldn't believe this was actually happening. I couldn't think straight. Life was cruel and a lot of people, good people, got fucked in so many ways. It was foul.

526.

Kennedy tried to come home time and time again but her dad wouldn't let her. I knew Liv wanted her home more than anything but wouldn't let her either. Liam mentioned how Liv would say she was okay, but anytime we saw her you could see it in her eyes. She was withering away. She just tried to video chat when she was feeling okay, and looked at all the pictures Ken sent over. I tried to visit the Parker's anytime I was in town.

Anytime I tried to talk to Kennedy that was the one thing we couldn't talk about. She refused no matter how many times we talked. Even if we sat and just stared at eachother. I never knew what was more loud the tension or the silence. Both are away at us.

591.

Liam and I came to visit a lot more than we should have this past year. Not that we cared. It was more important to be here. We both even tried to transfer back to a college closer to home, but our parents wouldn't let us. I understood as much as I hated to admit it. I knew Liam was miserable. There was no way to even describe it.

I didn't know Kennedy was coming home. Hell I didn't know we'd all have a reunion in a hospital waiting room under these circumstances. Yet here we were.

I was upset she didn't say anything to me. Not even a quick text that she at least made it safe. But I also couldn't be mad. She didn't owe me anything. She wasn't coming home for me.

I was being selfish after all. Her sister was fucking dying and I was upset she didn't tell me she was coming home. How pathetic could I be? I might be sick. I leaned forward in my chair with a sigh.

I just wish I would have known so I could be there for her. Help out the Parkers with anything. But Kenny liked to push people away when she was hurting. Only this time it wasn't intentional. I understood that at least.

648.

Footsteps.

I looked up meeting her eyes. Her beautiful, broken eyes. No tears.

She was haunted. I could tell by the way her body slumped. Her shoulders carried that invisible world on her and it just kept getting heavier and heaveier with each passing second.  Glass shattering on her insides. If you didn't know her you'd think she was just tired, not that her whole world just collapsed.

I shot up instantly. I didn't take a step at first. But I did slowly. Until she rushed into my arms. I held her as if she might slip away. She already had been. Slowly we sank to the floor saying nothing. There wasn't anything to say.

I didn't know how long we stayed that way. It couldn't have been more than five minutes. She got up and ran to Riley without another word. I pushed the pain in my chest aside and went over to the person I should have comforted first.

I hugged Liam tighter than expected. I think he needed it more than anyone. He always tried to be relaxed and have a good time, but he was hurting. I still didn't know how long we stayed in the hospital that night. I tried not to think about it more than I had to.

That's when the tears flowed. The guy who had been a second brother to me over the years. My roommate my teammate my best friend. I didn't even want to think about losing Nolan. I couldn't. But I couldn't help it either. Losing Liam would be just as devastating.

This wasn't fair. She didn't deserve this. Their family didn't deserve this.

The rest of the week was a blur. I only remembered bits and pieces of the funeral except that it was beautiful. There were flowers everywhere, and it was full of light. No one wore balck. The closest thing to black was navy blue. Kennedy didn't let go of my hand the entire time. Only when she got up to give her eulogy she let go, and then returned to me.

It was after thefuneral when we sat in her backyard that everything went to shit. I guess it couldn't get much worse than what we were already going through, but in a way it did. I should have expected it, but I was too naive.

"I got offered an extension to stay another year," she spoke out of nowhere.

"You did?" A ten pound rock slammed into in my gut. I thought I was going to throw up the little bit I had in my stomach.

I didn't want her to go. Even though I was going back to school at the end of the summer. I just wanted her to be closer. Not across the world. At least in the same country. That would be something we could manage. But over this past year I couldn't help but feel as though I needed her here. It was stupid and selfish but I wanted it. I wanted her more than anything yet she kept slipping away. Maybe she was never actually mine.

"I'm gonna go Cal," she said. But it didn't sound like she was talking to me. She seemed a whole other world away.

She only used my first name on serious occasions. Or when she was teasing me, but there was no playful tone to her. I didn't know if I'd ever hear that playfulness again.

I wanted her to go for her. Not to run away. I knew she loved it, but I knew the year had killed her not being here. On one hand she thrived over there but hated missing out on things. So how could I not let her go? I was a selfish asshole and I wanted her here.

"Why?" I didn't care how upset I sounded. I probably should have, but I didn't.

"What do you mean why?" She snapped. Finally a real emotion from her. There was a first.

"You said you would only be gone a year. Yet here you are signing away another year. I don't get it."

She turned to me with a wild look in her eye. I wanted to put my hands on both sides of her face just to look at her. I wanted her to understand what my thoughts were screaming. Words that I could never say out loud.

Look at me. I'm here. Why don't I matter to you? Why aren't I enough to make you stay?

Please.

Just stay.

"It's only one year."

"Funny," I snorted. That's what you said the last time.

"I don't get why you're so upset. Why can't you just support my decision?" She grumbled.

Maybe because your sister just died and you're running away.

"I am not running away!" She yelled crossing her arms. I didn't mean to say that out loud, but oh well.

"Yes you are Kennedy! Open your eyes take a look around. Your family is here. I am here. Your life is here. Stop trying to hide your feelings like you always do." I felt my nostrils flare. "We all have them. You're not made of brick. Why are you so scared? What are you so afraid of?"

"My life is wherever I want it to be, because it's mine." She shot back. "You have no idea what it's like to be in that house. I can't breathe." She shook her head at me shutting out tears. "I can't do it, I just can't."

"Go ahead run away like you always do then," I sneered. "It's what you do best anyway."

I didn't care to listen to anything else she had to say. She was going to leave regardless. She always was. She might never forgive herself for missing out this last year, maybe that's why she was doing it. Trying to outrun the guilt that she shouldn't have in the first place. It'll catch up to her, one day. Maybe I'd be there and maybe I wouldn't.

"Would you rather I pretend to be someone else? Follow in your footsteps? Huh?" She paused before she whispered, "we're cowards either way."

"Who do you think I am pretending to be?" I whispered unable to meet her eyes. If I looked at her I wouldn't let her go. I couldn't.

"You know what I'm talking about. You're not changing your major but you might as well. Considering how you keep going on and on about working for your dad during the summers and after graduation." She groaned mimicking me. "Why are you even working for him anyway? You never tell me anytime I ask you."

"What's so bad about that?"

I wasn't going to tell her that I felt like a failure after failing an introductory course to architecture. I mean what kind of person would that make me? I at least knew what kind of future I would have if I did change my major.

"It's not you Cal! What happened to the guy who wanted to build things that lasted? That wanted to create beautiful things?" She cried wanting her words to reach me.

"Beautiful things get broken." I whispered again. Finally I looked into her eyes. I don't know what was going on. Desperation? Despair? Both? "You wanna know something?"

"What?"

"You always were so afraid to be like your mom. You're birth mom. Yet here you are doing exactly what she did." The words fell out of my mouth and I regretted them instantly.

She stood aghast her mouth gaping at me. I shouldn't have said that. "I'm sorry," the words poured out.

"No," she took a step back. "I may be just like her, but at least I can admit it. You are going to end up just like him. Miserable. At least I'll be doing things to make me happy. Even if it means everybody else will hate me." Her bottom lip started to tremble.

No, no, no.

How's this all go so wrong? She was slipping away before my eyes. All I could do was watch her, I'd never be able to catch her.

Funny how we thought a year would fly by and everything would go back to the way it was. But so much has changed, that I don't think we could go back to that. It's too different. Maybe we were too different now.

"Please," I whispered to her.

"Please what Cal?" Her head turned slightly. "Just give me a reason."

But I couldn't. No matter what reason I gave her it wouldn't be enough. We were past that. So I stayed silent while the rest of me shattered.

"Just one reason," she begged.

Begged.

Yet here I was. Mute. I couldn't say anything but my mind wouldn't shut up.

Please, please, please, please.

I knew what I had to do. It was going to make me worse than what I already was to her. It's going to make me sick, but I had to. I knew what she really wanted and I would have to be the one to push her. I was always going to be the villain anyway.

"Sometimes" I sighed deeply. "Everything would be easier if I didn't love you."

The words tasted like bile in my mouth. Unnatural. That's how it felt to think about not loving her. Poison. It took everything in me to not throw up on my shoes. I didn't know how long I could hold it together.

I watched her blink back tears. For who I didn't know. I was choking on my own feelings trying to swallow the fear and anger back down. I wanted to surpass every emotion I ever felt. I wish I could sit there and feel nothing but I couldn't.

I felt it. I felt everything.

"So don't!" She choked out a sob. "Stop loving me."

"It's not that easy."

We stood there facing each other. Two broken people unable to fix themselves or one another. Slowly I sank into the grass unable to hold myself up anymore.

"You know" She whispered sinking to my knees  to be at my level."I really tried." I paused to hug my knees to my chest. Maybe it would keep me together. "I really tried to not love you. But why did you choose me?"

"You were never a choice," my whisper was hoarse.

"Oh c'mon Cal it all started as a dare." Her voice was begging again. Desperate to make it seem as though she wasn't hurting. I almost laughed thinking about it.

"It started way before that and you know it," I  sniffled. Of course she'd try to make a joke right now. "Even if we didn't admit it."

"I need to go," she finally got the courage to say.

"So what does this mean Kennedy?"

Kennedy. Not KP. Not Ken, Kenny or anything else. Not even Parker.

That's when it hit me.

Something had changed between us. It was slowly creeping up to us but it was now that we acknowledged it. I didn't know if we'd ever be the same.

"I will leave. And you." She let out a low sigh, "you can be free."

"Free." I snickered rubbing my jaw. "As if it's some choice to just be free of someone."

"It was never supposed to be this way Cal," Kenny cried

"I know" I whispered. "I know."

There was silence. She kept opening and closing her mouth as if she wanted to say more. I wish I could read her thoughts. I wish she could mine.

"Just go." I squeezed my eyes shut. Tears still escaped and rolled down my cheeks.

The words I didn't want to say still came out. I should have been smug at her shocked expression. I couldn't be. I couldn't look at her so I turned away.

I sat there with my back to her for a while. Eventually I heard her footsteps leave as my knee started bouncing some more.

31.

The further and further away her footsteps went I wanted to turn around. I wanted to yell and beg for her forgiveness. I wanted to beg her to stay and show her that I mattered. But I couldn't. There was nothing for her here anymore.

86.

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Oof. How are we feeling after this one? 😬