*Maybe I'm looking for something I can't have...

Sometimes the best way to say something, is to say nothing at all.*

-Say Something by Justin Timberlake ft. Chris Stapleton

*****

DELILAH

I couldn't focus on a single word Adrian was saying. I was so mesmerized by all his facial expressions and the way that he moved his hands as he spoke. He was so much like my side of the family, though he had Liam's dimples.

He also had Liam's energy and happiness, though at the moment Liam didn't seem too happy. He was tapping his fingers on the table not even eating the food in front of him. It made me uncomfortable to know that he was uncomfortable because of me.

"Where are you living? Are you going to stay with us at our house?"

I looked up to Liam for help, but instead of helping me he smirked, sitting back on his chair and watching with an expectant look.

He was testing me.

"Actually, Adrian, I'm looking for a house to buy somewhere around here," I said with a smile. Instantly, Adrian frowned. A wave of remorse washed over me at the sad look on his face.

"Why can't you live with us if you're my mom?"

Again, I turned to Liam for help and received nothing. I felt helpless. I was unsure as far as what to do or say.

I was so not fit to do this.

"Your dad and I aren't together, Adrian."

"So you're leaving again?"

Just like that, I felt his tiny little hand going through my chest and ripping my heart out. I wasn't expecting that question, not that bluntly. I felt my lip quiver and lowered my face as guilt made its presence in every pore of my body. Never before had I felt this bad about my decision like I did when his little eyes pleaded with me to stay.

Liam looked pained as well. He ran his hands over his hair, much like he used to before when he was stressed. There was a long silence between us while we figured out what to say. How honest could I be without hurting him?

"I'm not leaving again," I finally replied. "I just can't stay in your house. But, we can visit a lot if you want."

"Can I sleepover at your house?"

"I don't think that's a good idea," Liam said. I was taken aback by his response but didn't argue. He was probably right.

"We've got to spend some time together first, dear." Once again, Adrian looked somewhat sad but soon forgot about the conversation as he began talking about his friends at school and what it was like. It dawned on me how much I had missed and how little I knew about him.

Liam was patient and remained quiet for most of the time letting me get to know Adrian. I was thankful for that. After it was clear that we were done eating, Liam paid for the meal, despite my insistence of it not being necessary.

That had clearly not changed.

He had always been a gentleman.

We went down to the beach, a place where it was evident Adrian liked to be. He seemed to be a happy child, eager to get to know other kids. I sat on the sand as I watched him play with a group of kids while Liam remained standing.

He was on his phone with whom I assumed to be his girlfriend by the way he talked to her. Caleb, on the other hand, hadn't sent me a single text message.

Memories of the younger days when we started dating came to my mind and I couldn't help but smile. We'd been so happy for a while, before I got pregnant. After that, everything changed. Or rather, I changed. Still, I was fond of those memories. I wondered if he was too.

"I forgot how beautiful this beach is," I said after Liam hung up.

"You forgot a lot of things."

I nodded, not being able to counter what he said. After a while, he sat down next to me, still watching Adrian. Surely he had many questions. I was bracing myself for the moment that he would ask them but they never came.

"You can't fuck this up," Liam said. "He's a good kid. A happy kid. You can't change that."

"I don't want to," I replied in a whisper.

The last thing I wanted was to hurt him. I knew that even if he was a happy kid he'd been affected by my departure and that was already more than I thought I could handle. Liam was thoughtful, still staring off into the sunset that was just beginning.

"Do you remember our first date?" I asked watching how Adrian attempted to build a sand castle. Liam tensed for a moment.

"I think we need to talk things over," he said ignoring my question.

"About?"

"About how this will work. I don't want surprises, Delilah." I agreed with a silent nod and waited for Liam to continue. "I'm not comfortable leaving you alone with him."

I closed my eyes, allowing myself to feel in his words the pain that I deserved. It hurt to know that he didn't trust me, but then again, why should he? He didn't know me. Ironic though, how I still knew him very well. He hadn't changed. He was still the same genuine, caring and mature man that I knew before, even more so now.

"When will I be able to see him?" I asked.

"After school I guess is okay... And on weekends. You can go whenever you'd like, I won't stop you from seeing him but I don't want you trying to change anything about the way I've raised him so far. Once you get a feel for things and we talk things over, then you can have an opinion but for now-"

"I have no right," I interrupted with a sad smile. "I know."

"Now, do you have a boyfriend or something of the sort?"

Did I consider Caleb my boyfriend? That was a hard question to answer. I cared for him, and to some extent he cared for me. He supported me in his own way but neither of us loved each other.

"Something like that," I replied.

"Are you serious with him?" Liam asked with genuine curiosity.

"I'm not sure yet."

Liam nodded. "I don't want him around Adrian until you and I are both sure that he will be a permanent part of your life. Despite our circumstances, I've tried to have Adrian live a stable life. That's not going to change and if that guy you're with right now eventually leaves, I don't want that causing more pain to Adrian. Are we clear?"

"I agree," I said.

I laughed when I saw Adrian waving back at us with a smile.

"You've done a wonderful job with him," I murmured.

"Jeez, I've been waiting for you to say that all day," Liam muttered. I was sure he was being serious but when I turned around a hint of a smile was on his face.

It reminded me of when we were teenagers and he'd always have a smartass reply for everything. I never questioned my decision of leaving, not until now that I was there, seeing Adrian and Liam. Somehow, I couldn't find a good reason for me leaving.

"When can I meet your girlfriend?" I asked Liam.

"Maybe tomorrow?" he said. "We usually spend Sundays together at the park. I'm sure she'll be glad to meet you."

Once again we were quiet. I had so many things that I wanted to say and I had no clue where to start. In fact, I didn't know that Liam was even interested in listening to me. At this point, I realized that there was really nothing I could say that would change what I did.

All I could do was prove that I was different person.

*****

I arrived at the hotel only to find Caleb propped up on the bed watching a movie.

"Hey pretty girl," he said merely glancing at me.

I waited for something, anything. A 'how are you' or a 'how did meeting your kid go' but none of that arrived. I placed my purse on the sofa.

"How was your day?" I asked Caleb, sitting down.

"Eh, watched a couple of movies. Kind of boring, you?"

"Did you start looking for a job?"

Caleb scrunched up his face and shook his head. I scoffed. Deciding that it wasn't the moment and that I wasn't up to argue anyways, I made my way to the restroom, locking the door behind me. He may not have been willing to talk but I was sure that he would be willing to fuck.

Not today.

I undressed, forming a pile of clothes on the floor and set the water to the coldest temperature available. I needed to clear my head and for some reason, letting the cold water wash over me always helped. I closed my eyes.

For the first time in years I allowed myself to truly cry. We make decisions sometimes without thinking of any consequences or how it will affect others. The sad part about living, is that you don't realize your mistakes until it's too late.

A million questions invaded my mind. I felt guilty, I felt overwhelmed with frustration. I was questioning every decision I'd made in my life. How did I mess up so badly? Why did I allow my immaturity to make life changing decisions?

How was I so willing to leave a man that had loved me so much?

The one question that hurt the most was, would Adrian ever forgive me when he learned that I abandoned him?

I'd traded everything for this... for nothing. Because after years I had nothing at all. I had accomplished nothing other than my cosmetology certificate.

I had no job.

No car.

No family.

No home.

What did I trade my life for?

A knock at the door brought me from my thoughts.

"Why'd you lock babe? Can I join?"

I leaned my forehead against the cold tile and shook my head.

A lazy ass boyfriend. That's the only thing I'd gained after walking away.

"Go away, Caleb," I yelled back. "I need to be alone."

I heard him curse but it did nothing for me. I'd fucked up and now I had to pick up all the shattered pieces of a family that I had destroyed. Liam had a girlfriend and had moved on. He was happy.

And still, I had nothing.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I'd been utterly stupid. I put on my sweatpants and a large t-shirt, needing to feel the wind on my face.

"Where are you going?"

"Out for a walk," I replied, getting my earphones.

"Can I-"

"No. Not when you haven't even bothered asking how my day was."

"It's not my kid, Delilah. It really is none of my business."

When reality sets in and slaps you in the face, there really is no turning back. You can either let it beat you up or learn from it.

I choose the latter. 

*****

A/N: Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Seems like she's finally feeling it.

Will it be enough to make up for her leaving?

Thanks for reading :) The interesting stuff starts next chapter!

Have an awesome day!

-Luz