08.12.2021

Hey loves, I'm sorry for the late update. Life has been getting busy and so much has happened ever since. I also have new projects in mind, so yeah, I've been kind of busy 🥲 It's almost Christmas! And who's ready for 2022?

Q/A: how was 2021? Are you happy to start a new chapter or are you going to miss 2021?

Strange enough, 2021 has been one of my most favorite years. I've learned and experienced so much. I had my ups and downs, but I wouldn't change a thing about 2021 (except maybe for corona🙄🙄)

P.s: I NEED YOUR ADVICE. SO, something crazy happened. I was at a party and I saw someone cute. I grabbed them by the shoulder and told the person that I thought they were cute. (Don't ask me why or how, I was feeling bold and stupid that night 😭😂)

I don't know if I should follow them on my personal Instagram 💀 I've seen that person at school and I'm too embarrassed too look them in the eyes. Dunno what to do..

Enjoy the chapter ♡

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"You left because you wanted to marry him?" I asked in confusion. 

"I felt like a burden to him." He paused, and shook his head. "I was a burden. He used to protect me all the time, and I took advantage of that. Not of his strength, but of his weakness. He couldn't stand seeing others get bullied, so he'd always come to my rescue. I didn't mind getting hurt because I knew he'd always come to my rescue. It was the first time anyone had cared for me, and I'll never forget that feeling; that feeling of safety and love."

I felt a lump in my throat. 

"I wanted to stay by his side forever," he murmured, the tension growing in his tone. "But how could I when I was so weak? The weaker I was, the more of a burden I'd be. What did I have that could possibly make him want me? I didn't have a family, money, or a future to give him. If I remained the same weak orphan I was, there was no way I could make him happy. I had absolutely nothing. I quickly realized that there would be no forever if I didn't change."

I stared at him with wide eyes, rendered completely speechless. I failed to shake off the shock. 

"I didn't want to be protected anymore. I wanted to protect him. I wanted to make him happy, to give him a home that wasn't already home to dozens, to give him a pantry of his own where he wouldn't have to worry about getting caught, to give him a ring that wouldn't get rusty after washing his hands. I wanted to give him what we never had. Love and security." Adam paused and smiled a little. But the more he smiled, the sadder he looked. "No, we already had love. There was no one in this world that I loved more than him."

I pressed my lips together, feeling my chest constrict. I knew it; I couldn't handle the truth. I wanted to turn away and hide, but he continued. 

"That's why I left him when a wealthy family adopted me. I knew if I played my cards right and grew up as their perfect son, they'd help me become successful. I'd inherit their fortune and wealth. I needed to leave if I wanted to become someone Eric could rely on. Everything that was mine, I'd give to him." 

My jaw went rigid. I had completely misunderstood Adam's intentions from A to Z. He didn't leave me because he thought I wasn't enough for him. He left to build a future for us.

"Leaving him, even temporarily, was terrifying. I hated it. I wanted to stay with him, and I knew I would have stayed if he'd asked."

"So you left without a goodbye," I whispered, putting in the final puzzle piece. Knowing me, I would have told him not to go. I still would. 

He nodded. 

"But I was young and naïve. I was so caught up in trying to become someone Eric could rely on that I didn't think about how he would feel when I left." There was a strain in his voice, and he took a deep breath. "I thought that he would be proud of me, but how could he when he probably hated me for leaving him? He must've felt so alone and abandoned."

"You could have visited him," I said bitterly, refusing to feel bad for him. He looked at me and the bright color of his eyes seemed dimmed. 

"If I'd visited him, even once, I would've never left his side."

My eyes widened and I felt my cheeks turn aflame. 

"It would've been less painful if you'd just been honest from the start!" I shouted, my voice shaking with anger. Adam flinched, and it was clear that my words hurt him. Fuck, I was losing my cool. I balled my fists and tried to focus my emotions elsewhere. 

"I know," he said. He stared at me, his blue eyes holding me in a trance, and I could see it—the years of regret. "I was ten, Axis. I didn't know better. I made a mistake, and I'll live with the consequences for the rest of my life. I still do."

Goddamn it, I was losing it. My anger was melting away and there was no way of getting it back. 

"I regret leaving him without a goodbye, but I don't regret leaving him."

The intensity of his artic eyes rendered me speechless. When he opened his mouth, he spoke to me as if he were speaking to Eric. 

"What was there left for us in the orphanage? A sad, miserable life with caretakers who were paid to care?" he asked, sounding frustrated and sad, but most of all, angry. Angry at himself for the choices he'd made. Angry at life for being so cruel and unfair. Angry at me for not understanding him. "I left because I wanted to give him something better."

You were enough.

He laughed coldly. "Eric probably would have said that I was enough" —I stiffened at how well he knew me —"but I wasn't. He was blinded by whatever he saw in me." He paused, and for a fraction of a second, his iron mask fell and unveiled his emotions. 

His voice softened when he spoke again. "Maybe that was his biggest flaw. He always saw the good in life, no matter how bad or unfair it was to him. He never complained. He never whined. If he was abandoned by his parents, then he'd make a comfortable life for himself in the orphanage. If he was told to obey the rules, then he'd sneak around and find his own way to have fun. If he was burdened by a child who knew nothing but to cry in his arms, then he'd take responsibility and care for him without asking anything in return. He was selfless."

He clasped his hands. 

"Eric was a survivor, and that's what I loved about him."

My lungs tightened, and it was hard for me to breathe. He searched my eyes and his features softened. I knew what he was doing. He was testing me. He was trying to see if I was Eric or not.

"Life in the orphanage was terrible. Eric made it bearable, but it was still terrible. I needed to get out of the system. I needed to pull him out because I knew we deserved better. We deserved so much more," he said angrily. "You don't know the things I went through after I left. What I was put through."

Without thinking, I glanced at the scars on his arms. Some I recognized, others I didn't, but they all looked equally painful. I realized I never knew where they came from or how he got them. What happened to Adam after he was adopted? 

"If I lose you again, it'll crush me completely."

"I'm not the guy you're looking for," I snapped instinctively, taking a step back.

"I know," he said, and he sounded like he meant it. "I know you're not him but..."

His voice drifted and he sounded so broken and sad that I wanted to pull him into my arms and embrace him. 

"But the feeling is the same. I don't understand it either," he admitted hoarsely. "You're not him and you don't have to be. I just want to be with you, Axis."

Heat flushed my cheeks, and I pressed my hands against his chest to stop him from coming any closer. 

"Don't," was all I managed to choke. He put his hand over mine, his fingers locking between mine. My heart beat against my ribcage as if it were a time bomb seconds away from bursting. He inclined his head and I sucked in a tight breath. 

"You want me," he said, and it wasn't a question. My skin prickled with our proximity, and my muscles tensed under his touch. 

"When we kissed," he went on, "it felt like I'd found something precious. I was thrilled, and excited, and I couldn't get you out of my mind. You're on my mind constantly, and when I try not to think about you, I still do. I haven't felt this way in a while, not since the orphanage." He stopped, the room falling silent. "Not since Eric."

I stared at him wide-eyed and I hated the effect his words had on me. I was a blushing mess. There were no more than a few mere inches standing between us. His lips were so dangerously close.

"What if I don't want to kiss you again?" I blurted.

He blinked, then laughed. His laugh was so frustratingly beautiful that the gentle rumble made me blush harder.

Looking at me with a smile, he said, "Who said I was going to kiss you?" and I gaped at him, embarrassed by my own assumption. 

"I, uh..." I stammered like an idiot.

"Do you want me to kiss you?" When I didn't answer, he added, "I know you want to."

I snorted. "How would you know?"

"I'm pretty sure you would've already punched me in the stomach if you didn't want to."

He wasn't wrong.

"I'm going to kiss you," he stated.

My heart stopped. What?

Before I knew it, his lips were on mine. They felt soft and warm and everything nice. I closed my eyes and my body melted against his, consumed by his scent and touch. Adam cupped my face, his fingers brushing my ears knowing damn well the effect it would have on me. A furious jolt of tingles shot down my spine, and I winced against his mouth, my body feeling hot. 

My vision went blurry again, and I couldn't breathe. Holy fuck, I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. My breath came out quick and ragged, but I didn't want him to stop. Unfortunately, Adam noticed that something was wrong. His lips pulled away from mine and his brows furrowed with worry.  

"What's wrong?"

"I'm fine." The lie was obvious. I was rasping for breath. 

He put his hand against my forehead. "Your fever is getting worse."

"I'm... Okay..." I panted. Why did my body give up on me at such a crucial moment? It felt like my heart was trying to punch a hole through my chest. 

"You need to lie down."

I was too weak to protest. He helped me onto his bed and grabbed the medicine on his desk, popping two pills in his hand. Meanwhile, I curled into a ball, pressing my forehead against my knees, shivering as if I were lying naked in a bed of snow. 

When I opened my eyes, all I could see were purple blobs. Adam was saying something, but my ears felt blocked, and his voice was muffled.  

"...Axis." I heard at some point. "Can you sit up?" 

I tried to reply but all that came out were incomprehensible grumbles. He helped me sit up, but my head felt heavy and fell forward, pressing into his shoulder. 

"Cold," I stammered. "It's... Fuck... Hot."

Adam gently pulled me back and tilted my head up. He popped the pills into his mouth and took a mouthful of water. 

Idiot, I was the one with the fever. Why—

He pressed his lips against mine and my eyes widened when he slipped his tongue into my mouth, pushing the pills and water inside. He didn't pull away until I swallowed. I felt cold water trickle down the corner of my mouth when I gulped. 

Adam laid me down and I quickly reached for his sleeve but caught his hand instead. He gave me a gentle squeeze. 

"Adam," I croaked. "You won't leave, right?"

"I won't," he promised, his voice soft but firm. 

"Good. I need to tell you something."

I closed my eyes, feeling darkness consume me. I gulped in a few strained breaths. 

"I'm scared," I rasped hoarsely. "This place terrifies me."

I'd never said it out loud. At any other moment, I would have never told him. You didn't know who you could trust at Serpenti High. It was a morbidly dark place, infested with cold-blooded criminals who could stab you in the back the second you turned your back. You couldn't get a wink of sleep at night without knowing if you'd wake up the next day. Just a few minutes ago, someone accused me of murdering someone. Had I? I wasn't sure myself.

Eric Somber, a murderer. 

Adam started to say something but I couldn't hear him. I squinted my eyes, trying to read his lips, but all I could see was a mosaic figure. I tried to speak, but my throat felt dry. But if I could, I knew I would have told him who I was. I would have told him how much I despised him, how angry he made me, how lonely I was without him, and how much I missed him. I would have told him the one thing I wished I had said before he left. 

But alas, I was feverish and on the verge of death. This was exactly how I imagined it: slow, terrible, and painful. Though I had always imagined myself dying alone in an empty room without a soul to remember my name, Adam held my hand tightly, reminding me that he was here. If this was my last day, I wouldn't mind dying like this. 

And then, the world narrowed to darkness.

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PLEASE DONT FORGET TO LEAVE A VOTE IF YOU ENJOYED THE CHAPTER ❣💕

A/N: What's the proudest thing you've done in 2021?

Chapter 46 of The Ranking System is available on my Patreon. The link is in my bio! For quicker and early updates, you guys know where to go 🧡🧡🙏