43 - Regret, lack of regret

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Lana

She must have looked like shit, because Ryan could tell something was wrong. At least he didn't say anything about her wearing her black skirt and the white shirt she wore to Les Bistros the night before.

She had a huge argument with her mother just before she left for work. Her mother was threatening to close up the cottage for the winter and make her homeless if she didn't come home. She hadn't lived in that house for any length of time since she was in high school. She came to Maine for college to be near Erik and never left. Most mothers would turn their adult child's bedroom into a guest room or craft room or office, but not Nora. Will wanted to make it a gaming room, but their mother refused. Instead, it was still decorated as if she was fifteen, at least her pictures of Jared Padalecki and Milo Ventimiglia weren't plastered all over her walls anymore. She never could choose between Dean or Jess, but more recently she preferred This is Us to Supernatural.

She was so irritated when she got to work Oliver told her to go have a drink to chill out. Oliver never allowed drinking before a shift, but Jay, the bartender, poured her a glass of wine. She drank it and promised Oliver she would be sweet to her customers. She kept her promise and headed to the bar once she cleared her last table.

With her second glass of wine in front of her, she heard a familiar voice from behind. "Can I buy you a drink?"

She turned around to see Erik. She had to snap her jaw shut before she could speak. "What are you doing here?"

"You'll never guess who sent me."

"Um, four letters beginning with an N."

"So you guessed."

"Did she tell you her latest plan?"

"Yeah, I told her you were happy living in Maine."

"As happy as a twenty-nine-year-old divorcee."

"I deserved that." He smiled.

Damn that smile! Lana drained her glass and Erik bought her another. Her co-workers join them and she lost count of how many times her glass of filled. Yawning she stood to leave and Erik caught her.

He whispered in her ear. "You can't drive."

"But."

"No, buts. I'll take care of you."

Lana felt the tears in her eyes, because he was supposed to have taken care of her forever. She didn't have the energy to resist and let him lead her out. He smelled good, like a distant dream as she leaned on him.

He took her to his apartment, the one that used to be hers. It looked the same, but of course, it did, she left almost everything behind. She flopped down. "My sofa!"

"Are you all right? Do you want anything?"

"Let's see what you have in my kitchen."

Lana got up and started poking around the cabinets. When she found a bottle of Sambuca, she opened it and took a swig.

"Hey Lan, are you sure it's a good idea?" Erik was concerned.

"Why are you afraid of me?" He shook his head as she took another slug and walked over to him. She put her hand on his shoulder and she slowly moved it down his chest. "Do you think I might take advantage of you?"

"Lan, you're drunk!"

"Who cares? It's not like we've never done it before."

Erik didn't pull away as she brought her lips to his. She remembered falling on the bed and Erik kissing her. She remembered feeling like she was the old Lana - who was in love. She didn't remember anything else. It was still dark when her aching head woke her. For a moment she was confused to wake with a warm chest pressed to her back. She was in her bra and underwear and she moved enough to feel his boxers and that wasn't all.

"Are you all right?"

His voice sent a shiver through her. She should have jumped out of bed and run home, but she didn't. It felt too good to not feel alone for once. "What happened? Did we?"

"No, I had to fight you off."

"Why?"

"Because you came on to me."

"No, why did you fight me off, because I'm not enough of a turn on for you."

"Are you kidding me? It took every ounce of willpower I could summon, but I would not take advantage of you. You were drunk. God Lan, can't you tell how much I want you even now." He buried his head in her neck and began kissing her in the spot behind her ear she loved. It wasn't fair, because he knew her too well. Maybe she was still drunk, but she didn't stop him. Adam had hurt her, and she wanted to feel wanted again. It was only afterward when Erik looked her straight in her eyes and told her he loved her, that she found the energy to jump out of bed.

Once dressed, she was ready to bolt out the door, but Erik insisted on driving her back to her car. The problem was she felt very little regret. Her biggest regret was her lack of regret and the fact she gave Erik the wrong impression. As good as it felt to be with him again, she could never go back to him, because she could never trust him.

She climbed out of his car. "This can't happen again. Nothing has changed. I'll never trust you."

"Lan!"

"No!"

When she arrived back at The Point, she should have gone home and showered, but she really needed a coffee. She wanted to run and hide from Ryan, but she didn't have the energy. Somehow on her drive home, she blamed her actions on her mother and was back to being angry at Nora.

She approached Ryan. "Are you all right? Are you sick?"

She nodded. "Damn Nora... I'm hungover."

"And it's your mother's fault."

"Who else's would it be?"

"What happened?"

"She wants me to move home. She threatened to close up the cottage for the winter."

"But you can't. You have obligations here."

"I have my houses, my classes and Oliver relies on me. It isn't very exciting, but it's my life."

"How is it you're hungover? I thought you worked." He looked at her clothes. "Where did you stay?"

"Um..." She looked down at her hands on the table not really sure if she was embarrassed or ashamed.

"Lana?" He sounded like a father, but it didn't bother her.

"I stayed at my old apartment."

"You're old... with him?"

She nodded. "He showed up. I had already been drinking."

"Did he take advantage of you?"

The muscle in his neck tense up. He would probably want to hunt Erik down if she said yes. "No, he would never do that when I was drunk."

"What about when you weren't drunk?"

"It was mutual." She instantly regretted telling him.

"So are you two back together then?" He sounded disappointed.

She wanted to be angry he was asking her questions, but she knew Heidi would ask them, Beth and Mari, too.

"No, not like that. It was just one of those things. At least I got to find out it wasn't me."

"Wasn't you what?"

"Well, let's just say certain things were missing before that weren't with Adam and nothing changed this morning."

"Too much information! Maybe you should confide in Heidi, but as a man, I'll tell you if you were um... lacking it was his fault, not yours. Oh, look my dad just walk in. Hi Dad!" He waved. "I decided I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm driving down to go to Will's first game. And he invited me to stay in your room."

"What? You aren't are you?"

"I think I might. I'm leaving for home early anyway. It's a long drive."

She couldn't imagine Ryan sleeping in her old room. The thought of it made her cringe thinking of the stuffed animals piled on her bed and the books. There might even be some old clothes in her closet. She needed to go clean out her room one day this fall.

"Hey Mr. Harris."

"I was just telling Lana I'm leaving tomorrow."

"Your Mother is moping around, but she'll be fine. She went to see the baby so Jack can work awhile. Retirement is great we'd be back in Boston already. We should have done it a few years ago."

"You'll be bored in a month or two knowing you."

"I for one, am glad you'll be around this winter." Lana stood. "I'm off. I have things to do."

Ryan opened his mouth to say something but shut it. What could he say? She didn't regret what she did and truthfully it was no business of his. Still, she decided it was probably for the best to keep it to herself. Based on Ryan's reaction, her other friends probably wouldn't approve either.

When she said she had things to do, she meant to shower and climb back in bed. She normally cleaned Heidi's cottage on Thursdays, but Heidi told not to bother until they left the following week. Cam and Heidi were much neater than Ryan. Actually, that wasn't fair, he turned out to be very tidy, for a man he didn't even leave the toilet a mess.



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