Chapter 32

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"Ma'am, you asked for this file?" Minal said when she walked in to my office.

"Yes Minal. Leave it on my desk please." I said while  working on my laptop. She left the file on my desk and went back to her place. I grabbed the file and started studying it.

It's been 2 weeks to our marriage. Till the time we're here, I and samyak decided to join our offices. Because when we will leave for our honeymoon after that we will directly go back to Japan. And we are leaving for our 15 days honeymoon a day after tomorrow. Khushboo and I had a pact that we will plan the honeymoon trip for each other. I sent them to Bali as per its her dream destination for honeymoon and she had decided Maldives for me. I and samyak decided to not have sex just yet because as much as we both wanted it

And she is coming tomorrow to complete a ritual that we had built. Taking your best friend's husband to the lingerie shopping. When I took pankaj with me, he was hella annoyed by me and was awkward too. But I being myself didn't shy away and we did had a lot of fun while shopping. But he was feeling tormented for a certain moment. I and khushboo laughed our asses off and now she is going to do the same with samyak. He is already afraid. Lol.

I scanned the file and filled the sections that needed to be filled. I took my phone to check the date. It showed 14 of July.

Shit.

No, shit.

How could I?  Fuck.

How the fuck I lost the track of dates. Oh my God. Suddenly my eyes were filled with tears. I started to have hard time in breathing. I felt my heart turn in pain.

God. I am the worst person. I was so lost in my happiness that I forgot the date, today is.

I stand up from my chair and looked out of the window of my office to calm myself down. But it was like I am having a flashback of 13 years ago. And just like always I knew by seeing the black clouds in the sky that it will rain like every year. I was feeling claustrophobic. I needed to get out of the office. So I grabbed my car keys and mobile and put on my shades so no one can have a slight hint that I was crying. I told Minal that I am taking the day off. I drive for 20 minutes till I reach the place which always helps me to get my shit together. It's a garden which happens to be empty most of the time. I left my phone in the car because right now I need to be alone.

I sat on the bench and started deep breathing but nothing seemed to help me and I broke down on tears. How pathetic this is right. Every time I say I will not cry, I end up crying harder. I say I have healed, that I have forgiven the people who caused this pain but why I feel so much pain every time.

Today is the day when my mom died. When she committed suicide. The day, when my life changed. The day I can never forget. That incident has been engraved itself in my memory that I know even if I lost my memory that day will haunt me forever. I was a kid of 7 years when she did that. And this particular incident lead me to know the harsh and the most cruel truth of my life. Mumma's death revealed how much of a jerk my father is. But the worst he did was that he cheated on her for God knows how long which lead her to take that action.

I was in 8th standard when I got to know about it. I hide this from my brother because I don't want him to go through the pain that I went because he does not deserve any of it and he adored daddy, he looked at him as a hero. How can I break him when I know he will be shattered by pain and how can I be the cause of that pain. I already hate myself for letting my mother do what she did. I know I could have stopped her. I might have been young but I felt something is off when my mom put my clothes out of the room when I went to take shower. The kart time I talked to her was just before I went to take shower. I was the last person whom she talked. She told me to eat the breakfast that she gad made and take care of myself. That was also not usual. I could have done something. I could have stopped her but I was way to foolish for putting 2 and 2 together.

I can feel the pain in all its raw form. What I learned from it is that..... Pain never fades, it stays the same as it was, you just learn to live with it. It's fucking hard to deal with it but what is the benefit of crying when the damage has already been done. But sometimes it becomes too hard to contain all in heart. So I let go of it and cried. I let my heart weep and mourn for my mom.

"You call me mom but couldn't came to me when you needed a mother , huh" I looked up to see the source of voice that I heard. It was of Maa aka Vinita aunty whom I now call Maa. I don't how I got this lucky but this women has really turned into a mother figure for me over these past few years. She treats me just as much good as she treats samyak and saumya. I guess that's why I felt a bit relieved when I saw her. I hug her and she hugged me back and didn't let me go. A mother's touch was all that I needed. When I was relatively calm then she sat, on the bench beside me.

"Shh.... It's okay to grief. You can always talk to me about it sweetie. I may be your mother in law but still mother, right." she said. I tried to stop my tears but they were keep flowing.

"Why Maa. Why I still feel so much pain. Why I didn't heal. I always feel so much pain on this day." I sobbed. She took my hand on hers.

"Healing is not always about feeling no pain. Healing is about not letting that pain or fear rule you. You have healed sweetie. You have forgiven your father for what he did. You are only have love in your heart, no malice and hatred for anyone. If that's not healing then I don't know what is. Forgiving is the biggest part of healing. And you have done that. He might not value you but you still don't wish him bad. You are so strong. And this is the part of your being. The pain will never go, but it's the reminder of what you survived and how strong you are. Your mother must be proud of you. " She said. I felt so much comfort by her words.

" You think so " I asked in disbelief.

" I know so. Because I am proud of you. "She told. I smiled in tears.

" Thank you Maa. I feel better now. " I told her. She smiled.

"I am glad you are are feeling good. I was so afraid when sam told me that what is today. When I told him to go and look for you, he told me not to because you need your space right now. But I knew loneliness is not the solution. Hence I force him to take me where you are and made him drove us here. "She told me. I chuckled at her stubbornness.

Now I know how my 2 best friends are stubborn. They inherit it from her.

" If I knew I would feel thus better after taking to you., then I would have directly come to you. But from next time I will always come to you." I said. She grinned.

"I am always here sweetie. Anytime. Now I think I should leave for home. You stay here. You still need some time to co op with today. And there is certain someone whom I am leaving with you." She told me. I know she is taking about samyak. I smiled weakly and nodded. She left and after sometime I heard his footsteps but I didn't look back.

" Whenever you will turn back, you will always find me there supporting you and having your back. I promise "I heard him say. I felt again tears building in my eyes. I finally turned and there he was standing in his office suit. I shook my head and went close to him.

" You okay. "He asked. I sighed and nodded my head. He nods back.

" I am sorry for going awol on you. " I said, my voice was shaky. He sighed and pulled me in his strong arms. I hide my face in his shoulder. He started rubbing my back.

" I am sorry for forgetting about today." He said.

"It's not your fault. It also slipped out of my mind." I said. Then we both were silent and was just in embrace of each other. I don't know how long we both stood up there silently. His cologne helped me in calming down.

"We might need to find a new secret place like this. Mom knows about it now." He said. I pulled my head back and looked at him. He was trying to make me happy and this effort made me smile at him.

"Thank you. I am feeling a lot better now." I told him.

"Well, thanks to mumma bear." He smiled and I did too. I guess our marriage is not going to be that bad of a journey. Suddenly it started to rain.

No please, not again.

"Hey, look up. It's okay coco. May be it's her way to show you that she is here with you." He said. When I think like that it felt good, not that painful. I nodded.

"Can we stay here in rain for a while. Please." I asked. The rain seems to calm that havoc of inside me.

"Of course." He said and we both sat on the bench. I rest my head on his shoulder and his arms wrapped itself around me.

"I love you Sammy." I mumbled. I can feel him smile.

"I love you coco." He said.

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