ALEX

She can't twist this knife so carelessly in me,

I thought everything was falling into place for us.

After what transpired between us, I was convinced we were set to be together, the etched memory of her wrapped around me felt so divine and I know she felt it to. The next day, her behaviour had resulted in her being slightly distant which I tried not to read too much into.

Now sitting here, coffee in hand her words lick up flames against my skin. Dressed casually in jeans and heels, I still found her perfect as she looks apologetically at me pity in her eye as she bit her quivering bottom lip.

"I never realised the full extent to which you're willing to make others happy other than yourself." I never planned on my voice coming out so harsh, watching her flinch I wanted to reach out and sooth her for lashing out a bit.

Her eyes roamed around the coffee shop we were in. the place was moderately full thus causing a scene was not an option. She already seemed to be experiencing discomfort with this situation as she clenched and unclenched her jaw.

"Alex," she breathed," I understand you're upset about this. You're amongst the few people who get me, please know I'm doing this to benefit us both."

I scoffed, suddenly feeling trapped in some way, the air not so pleasant to breathe in filling my lungs, constricted with pain.

"Why are you trying to end our relationship now?"

"I tried to let you off easy more than once before like back at the ball bu-"

"You wound up spreading your legs for me."

"That was a mistake," she quickly bit back in a hushed tone once we caught sight of some people looking our way. A pinnacle of lace wound around my neck to suffocate the ample pill, it hurt knowing she viewed what we shared that night as a lapse of judgement.

Looking to the side, avoiding my reflection in her sepia eyes I swallowed hard to control my anger as I said." Are you staying with him?"

I knew the answer; I just needed her to verbally say it. She fiddled aimlessly with the sugar packet on the table which I found myself wanting to rip out of her hands to return her focus on me. As soon as she nodded her head meekly, the words I had bottled up inside like a flash flood swept into the depths of my mouth.

"Damn it Raquel! He's cheating on-"

"I know!" she snapped back, silencing us both as a painful light shone on us both. I was surprised that somehow all along she knew.

"You know?"

"I'm not stupid, alright. I know Derek has been unfaithful; he didn't exactly do a bang up job at hiding his affairs. Besides given what we did, I have no right to judge him," she mumbled.

"Please, don't- don't put yourself in the same league as him. I'll carry your sins." I said desperately clutching onto my sanity as I continued.

"Just leave him." reaching my hand across the table to grab onto hers, she pulled it back, taking away my chance  to touch her.

And as she gazed around the shop, I could tell she really didn't want any more speculation about us.

"I need to go," she stood up quickly and made her way towards the door, limbs paralysed endlessly wishing it were easy to rampage through paths carelessly.

Running after her will only add more drama to an unfavourable battle, throwing a few bills on the table; I headed out into the pouring rain. The droplets sinking into my jacket, the sidewalk my only companion numbing the ache in my chest.

Having emotions is a blaring beauty

Until in a flash its a beast taunting me

***

Its been only weeks and somehow my body feels like its been years. I've been on autopilot with the issues faced with my family and work being some uphill battle. I'm well aware I sound pathetic, in my despair as I see her walk around without a care. When pictures surfaced of us two, I further began to comprehend why she cut me loose, I wasn't good for her image. People around the office stared at me and my sister who was a basic fan of her line had sat me down to question me.

Derek had thrown a fit threatening to fire me, he hadn't funny enough and I guessed maybe she had talked him out of it. Still despite him no longer throwing daggers with his looks, I faced the brunt of seeing my face on some magazines wondering who the mystery man, Raquel was with. I was miserable, while she seemed all smiles being photographed with Derek at some party.

Besides why should she feel miserable, after all she's now getting married. They appeared deeply in love, a facade to me as magazines ate up the latest scoop on the couple. Maybe I'm just being spiteful, bitterness trimming the edges of my bones as I sit here with Angie working out the details of this wedding.

I had first caught wind of the news from the soon to be groom himself when he called me one time in his office with the news of him and Raquel tying the knot and I wanted to do so many things.

Yell...

Scream...

Instead I swallowed pass the sudden bile in my throat and said. "Congratulations."

Congratulations for stealing my ideal woman from me.

Despite being broken about the situation, Derek was a better candidate for her, whereas I'm paid to be a doormat. She needs a boss, not some assistant.

"Alex." I snapped my head in Angie's direction, her brows furrowed; I could tell she was concerned about me. We were going over the details of things we needed to do for the engagement party. We both got roped into helping the happy couple with the intricate details from the venue to guest list since both were so busy with work, Angie and I had to take on the responsibility of all this.

Man I love my job- note the sarcasm.

"Sorry, what were you saying about the band?"

She studied me and for a moment I squirmed under her unwavering gaze." We can take a break if you want?" she replied placing her iPad to the side.

"No I'm fine really. Let's finish this-"

"Don't you dare lie to me. You're barely here, busy zoning off. Raquel has the same habit of doing that and it's so damn annoying."

I involuntarily tensed at the mention of her name and no doubt Angie being the observant person that she is noticed.

"So how long?"

"How long...?"

"Have you been in love with her and if you know what's good for you. I strongly suggest you not lying to me," she finished as she relaxed further into the couch.

"Nothing can get passed you huh?" I chuckled as I focused my gaze on the ground, the carpet detailing of the café we decided to meet up at after work more entertaining to look at than at her.

She never responded, she just kept on watching me as if anticipating something. Releasing my breath my fingers running a trail through my unkempt hair, I thought the mask I wore would never crack, that's the thing about a lot of things in this world its rare to have something be a 100% guaranteed.

And as I sat there, I opened my mouth, no real words from my brain and poured out anything and everything that came," Real inspiration, comes from the banks of unorthodox epitomes set in wash banked edges of snow. For me, my hours spread out into the repetitive routinely days bore me till unexpectedly in a trench coat of harmony she came unto me."

My body felt dazed, eyes looking-not looking on anything in particular as I continued reminiscing on the day we met, You ask how long have I been in love with her, maybe from the second I felt that tap on my shoulder, my days grew less colder. Did love fill me."

I only registered Angie's hand on my chin pulling me from the depths to look up and find her oddly smiling at me. "If you feel that way, then why are you sitting here blindly planning her destiny to someone else?"

"What else do you expect? Let's face facts here; she can't stand the judgement associated with being with me. I'm not ignorant about the reasoning behind her hesitation; I'm not the ideal man for her in comparison to Derek. He's got money; I'm trying to save up scraps to head back to school. In as much as I may care for her deeply, I won't be able to give her that fancy lifestyle like Derek can, its just like that guy said back at the ball, I'm just the help." I finished feeling ashamed at the broken way my voice sounded,

Angie grew eerily silent, as she pursed her lips probably mulling over every word I said. One of the things I noticed about her, was her bluntness with people unlike Raquel, Angie was a lot cruder in her vocabulary yet was honest in her choice of words. In our time of planning these events, I grew a lot closer to her, she became my friend and to some degree, I believe she saw me as the same.

The hard slap across my face, shocked me, the sting spread quickly across my left cheek and for a second I had no clue how to react.

"What the hell was that for!?"

She was completely unfazed by my death glare as she said," I can't believe you, yourself can't hear how ridiculous you sound in your reasoning. Honestly after hearing it myself I now understand why Raquel partly decided to run back to Derek, you're a coward."

A coward?

"How am I a coward? If only you knew half the shit I've been through, I may be a lot of things but I am not a coward." She can't make such a judgement, as if she knew the full extent of the situation.

"Oh please, spare me the theatrics," she crossed her arms across her chest squaring me on with her stone cold eyes. "If you aren't a coward then why aren't you fighting for her?"

"It's not my place to get invol-"

"Boy please, the minute you came to her office, flowers in hand, your ass got involved. Derek is way too self-absorbed to remember the small things about anyone other than his cars, so I know you ordered those flowers."

Her observation and assessment even had me impressed. No wonder Raquel kept her close

"Look I've kept my thoughts about your inconsistencies to myself because I like you. But if you really aren't a coward, why didn't you go after her when she left the coffee shop? You seem convinced that since Derek has money and status, that's what makes him a better contender for her and that to me further confirms how much of a child you are. A man, a real one at that doesn't feel intimidated by material things."

I'm well aware how true her words were and in that instant I've never felt so ignorant in my actions or so regretful for not having taken action sooner or at least made an effort to fight.

"Look, all I'm saying is, be surer of yourself, with the way you even walk you don't exactly scream confident. You can choose to walk away from this and silently continue to be Derek's mule or stand and be your own boss."

***

I will admit, from my father all the way to people like Derek I had been a bit of a pushover. With my father it came with the physical intimidation he presented since he was much larger than me such that it took a long time before I eventually snapped.

So the question as I drove along the streets back home, I asked myself was, would I choose the same route I chose whenever I faced a tough situation and ran, or will I go on into a collision and face it.