|the naive rebel|
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xxxii| Insecurity is a witch
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word count- 2760

Can I just blame this chapter on my mood swings- PMSing (when I started writing the chapter) and my cramps.
Thank you (not) very much.^

I have no clue what I wrote, do tell me at the end!

I tried editing it, but I still feel I have ignored many mistakes. Feel free to help me.

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Third Person;
Focusing: Ishaan
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Emotions.

The word lies in the Oxford dictionary; page 223, the eighth word from the start of the page. The meaning explained;- instinctive or intuitive feeling as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge.

But that is in literary senses. Nobody, let's repeat, nobody can decipher what truly emotions mean. We assume it, we feel it, we sense it, but can we understand it?

We live in a world where one emotion is masked by another, there is happiness on the outside but hollowness within. There is pain and hurt but there's also joy and excitement.

Nothing is true until we start understanding it.

Keyword being 'understanding'.

Ishaan is someone who has kept a shield over his heart and mind since the day he lost his everything. He hates being vulnerable, but at the same time, he wants to share the pain. He has had perfect control over himself for years, being in a field like this- he was trained to be insensitive, hostile and honest. He hates sugar coating things and hates when others do it.

He has been brutally honest and dedicated towards his work but then, how can a normal girl make him drop the shield he had held onto for so long?

What was it that pinched him when he saw her worried, why did he want to comfort her?

Why. Every problem he is now facing starts with the question 'why'.

And, then again, why is he suddenly turning apprehensive about himself; his nature, his words, his behaviour, fuck about everything.

"So, you are Ishaan." Sameer's voice acts as stone breaking the glassy mirror of his thoughts.

Ishaan is suddenly hyper-aware of his surroundings. His house, sitting next to the person responsible for his disturbed frame of mind and the person who is now getting on his nerves.

Three times, Inaayat had already explained about Ishaan and all the three times, Sameer had the same reaction.

He looks at Inaayat with wide eyes, turns to Ishaan gawking, opens his mouth-closes it the very next second, speaks gibberish and then finally utters- What.

Rolling his eyes, Ishaan decides to take the matter in his own hands. He doesn't trust Sameer even a bit, investigated and checked his background as well as his story thoroughly with the department and only then Inaayat and he decided to let him in the plan.

"For the fourth time now. Yes and No. You aren't allowed to call me by that name. I was Shaan for you and it will remain the same way. And now if you ask it again, I am going to have you leave the house till the time, you finally understand the fact." Ishaan clears the confusion by his single statement.

He hates being called Ishaan. It reminds him of the happier times in his life, while now his life was just..empty.

And still, foolishly and for God-knows-what reason he had allowed Inaayat to call him by that very name. He hates admitting the reason, but deep down he knows.

It feels..normal.

Normal after two whole years.

Ishaan had buried himself in work and his goal for the past two years. He doesn't even remember when he had laughed, joked and passed sarcastic comments in those two years-until.

Kabir was the only person who had seen Ishaan's vulnerable side, the side that still breaks down thinking about that night. The side that still hates himself for not being able to save them. The side he had now started showing to Inaayat.

And he fucking has no answer as to how and why.

"It's weird." Sameer words, awkwardly smiling.

"Life is weird, but here we are living and breathing," Ishaan mutters.

Why is he so pissed?

"Ishaan." Inaayat looks at him confused, asking why was he behaving this way.

Little does she know that this is how he behaved and behaves with everyone else but her.

He knows why she was confused. Finally, something he has an answer for.

Inaayat has barely seen him with his cold shield, because surprisingly all the times they had talked or fought or joked, he always dropped the shield before her.

Before Inaayat, he was just the plain Shaan and 'Ishaan' was- well -lost somewhere.

Or he was just hiding.

After Ishaan realised that he had dropped his shield, he started believing that maybe everything was turning back to normal. Maybe, his mind was tired of the facade he put and therefore, he was finally turning into his old self.

But, today he realised that wasn't the case. He is still the cold Shaan for Sameer and apparently for everyone.

But, then why is it different with and for her?

"See Sameer, I hate wasting time. And right now, we are doing nothing but that. I want you to absorb the facts fast so that I can start questioning you about certain things." Ishaan puts forth, ignoring Inaayat's gaze.

"Uhm-what questions?"

"Tell me about Ojas. You were close to him, was there something that troubled him?"

"No. Ojas was perfect. He was good at everything he did. There was absolutely no reason for him to take his own life."

'Nobody is perfect.' Ishaan thought.

"I see. What did his medical reports say and which hospital was he taken for the medications after he was found in the pool. Because according to my reports the hospital's name has been kept a secret for all the suicides. So, which hospital."

"The City Hospital. That's where all the students after their deaths were taken. You think the hospital has something to do with the murder.." Sameer's eyes were red in rage but it was almost nothing to Ishaan.

He is a person to believe something, only after he has concrete shreds of evidence to prove it.

"I don't know. But, you and I are going to that hospital, today." He looks at Inaayat as he speaks the last line. Inaayat nods in affirmation, all this while Sameer squirms in his chair, uncomfortably.

"Bro, it's so weird to see you talking." Sameer let's out.

But the only reply he gets is Ishaan's shrug and Inaayat's amused smile. Ishaan gets up, followed by Inaayat while Sameer continues sitting.

"You want an invitation?"

"Oh. We are going to the hospital, right now?" Sameer stands up.

"Correction. You are returning to the hostel, and we both are going to the hospital. You aren't officially or even unofficially connected to the police and hence, you aren't going to be involved in the investigation."

'Also, I don't trust you.' But Ishaan chooses not to voice them. Inaayat squints her eyes at him, and he understands-she knows the real reason.

"But I want to-" Sameer starts.

"No." The single word with Ishaan's hard glare renders him speechless and he agrees obediently.

"On your way back, process all the information you were fed today, and remember you aren't supposed to blurt out about us before any student. Nobody should come to know about us, or I'll personally make sure that you will regret telling it."

"I promise."

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The car ride to the hospital is silent, calm and comfortable. Inaayat is busy messaging someone while Ishaan drives, trying to keep all his recurring thoughts at bay.

The conversation he had with Nikhil in the morning resurfaces his mind, and the man again drowns in the whirlpool of his insecurities.

"Shaan, it's so different this year." Nikhil had started while Ishaan was still lying on his bed. It is a Sunday, which meant Inaayat was at her flat and he was stuck here with everyone.

"How." Ishaan's reply was least of a question. He didn't care. He was already troubled by his behaviour nowadays, for him this year was weirder.

"We made new friends, bro. Mishti, Garima and Sameer- we were never this close to them. But, now we are a group. And how can I forget Aayat? Damn."

Ishaan's ears perked up at the sound of a familiar (very familiar) name. Aayat. Who he knew was Inaayat.

"Hmm."

"I never thought a new student will enter our group so easily. And she is a great company!"

'Only if you know.' Ishaan had thought. He didn't like as to where the conversation was heading. From friends why did, Nikhil had to zero upon Inaayat.

"Yeah."

"You remember our conversation about 'our type' of girls." Nikhil started. Ishaan was now completely despising the conversation.

Weird.

"So you think Aayat is your type of girl?" Came the question that made him confused and for the first time, he was tongue-tied. He never thought about 'his type'. He was always so busy in his work or trying to forget his past.

All the girls they had come across were always either fighting for Nikhil's attention or Shaan's notes.

Ishaan had never cared enough about this factor in his life.

Facts of his life:

Did he care about the other girls falling for or choosing Nikhil over him?

No.

Will he care if Inaayat-

That's an answer, he was too afraid to give.

And that is how, Ishaan had started over-thinking, analysing and comparing himself. Insecurity is the first step.

He has never been insecure over an issue like this, but certainly, he is now. Insecure that what if the only person he had started trusting with friendship would choose Nikhil over him. For obvious reasons.

He is never going to deny how Nikhil was and is better than him in so many aspects. From, the way he talks- easily, to the way he can mould himself according to the person's taste. Nikhil is a rare person- with so much kindness and goodness but with a heart like a child. He can be immature and mature according to the situations.

Ishaan knows him in and out, and therefore he knows. Nikhil is everything, Ishaan could never be.

And he doesn't want to be like him-he was sure of the fact cause every person is different, but the insecurity's seed was now sown, and slowly yet steadily growing inside him.

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"You think they would help us so easily?" Inaayat questions while they enter the premises of the hospital.

It is a huge building, well- maintained, and private.

"They won't. You and I had read all the files and there wasn't even one file where the hospital's name was written. There's something that connects that fact to this hospital." Ishaan informs her.

"We need to check the record room for this matter." Ishaan continues, "Do one thing, for now, let me talk to them. And then you try. Because if we go together, we won't have an alternative left."

"Perfect." And with that Inaayat, walks towards the waiting passage where other patients' family members are seated.

Ishaan walks towards the receptionist.

"Hi, I am here for my sister's reports." He starts.

"Sure sir, which room is she admitted in?"

"She..she died. But, she was brought to this hospital for medication after which she had succumbed to her injuries. At that time, I wasn't able to collect her file- the one with all the records after and before her death. Can I get them now? I can provide you with the name and details."

"Sir, we can't give those files to anyone after the death of the patients. For that, you would have to take permission from the head of our administration."

"But, she was my relative-"

"I understand sir, but the records of the deceased patients are separately maintained in a different record room. I cannot give you any file from there without an official's permission."

"But you do have access to it?" Ishaan tries sneaking the question as innocently as he can.

"I do have the key sir," the most foolish thing the receptionist could have done was to show him the key and slide it inside her pocket.

Ishaan knows that maintaining records is something that has to be done very safely and properly. She is right about the protocol but he needs the key anyhow. He could have easily gotten the permission if he just showed her the badge he carried everywhere. But, that will mean allowing the person behind the suicides and the person involved from the hospital knowing about his true identity which he cannot risk in any way.

"Oh-" Before Ishaan can complete his statement, a shrill cry echoed in the lobby. There isn't any nurse on the floor, and that is why the receptionist runs towards the source of the cry. Ishaan doesn't pay any attention to the sound and focuses on her computer trying to find any clue when the cry echoes again and he recognises it, this time.

Fuck.

He dashes towards the passage, seeing that all the patients' relatives were now surrounding the person. Trying to make his way towards the person, he pushes them a little as he stands before bleeding and almost unconscious Inaayat.

"What the hell. How did this happen?" He says immediately squatting next to her, patting her cheek so that she doesn't fall unconscious.

"How did you get hurt?" He winces seeing her bleeding forehead. Inaayat is almost slipping into the state of slumber, when the receptionist who was also checking her wounds says, "She is with you, sir?" Ishaan nods, his attention still on Inaayat.

'How does this girl manage to hurt herself in less than 10 minutes. He feels so frustrated, so angry at himself. He was here, and still, in his presence, she gets injured.

"The cut isn't that deep, I'll get the first-aid kit." The receptionist says meanwhile Ishaan picks Inaayat up and the crowd starts to disintegrate.

Carrying her, Ishaan stands up, still eyeing the almost unconscious Inaayat. When she makes no sound or movement, his worry raises to the highest peak possible.

"Inaayat...Inaayat? Can you hear me?" He softly asks still standing with her in his arms.

"I am unconscious, not deaf." Inaayat opens her one eye and then the other. Smiling cheekily she raises her eyebrow at him.

"How was my oh-so-perfect acting." She starts, and Ishaan's face morphs into an angry one.

"Do you even have any idea, how scared I was? And here you were freaking acting, do you even understand how terrified I was in the past five minutes, why the heck did you-"

"Shhh." Inaayat scolds him, tsking at him. She raises her fist, slowly opening it to reveal the key and then closes it almost immediately.

Ishaan stares at her tiredly and confused.

"Wait, this wound?"

"This, I slipped while entering the passage and hit the wall pretty badly. And then the bleeding started. It doesn't even pain but then I overheard your conversation with her and decided to use the bleeding for some drama." She sheepishly winks at him.

"Impossible. How do you manage to hurt yourself every time and do you even realise that this wound could have been a serious cut? The bleeding hasn't even stopped and where is that stupid nurse, wasn't she supposed to be here soon. And the wound-how could she say it isn't a deep one. Isn't a small wound supposed to not bleed much?-" Ishaan keeps ranting anything and everything that comes to his mind.

"Oof. Weren't you the one who said, every weakness is a strength? I suppose, my clumsiness will come handy in our investigation." Inaayat adds smiling.

And that moment, Ishaan doesn't know how to react. There is a warm, fuzzy feeling between his lungs, and it feels weird-but..also soothing.

And to end with, they are still in the passage. Ishaan still carrying Inaayat, and her arm around his neck. As they continue bickering until the receptionist arrives with the kit.

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So, how did you find the chapter? The chapter kind off explained what Ishaan is feeling.

Do tell me and don't forget to vote.

Before, we end the chapter.

These are the beautiful covers/aesthetics that were made by the book's readers.

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