♛| xxviii : guilt issues |

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|the naive rebel|
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xxviii| Guilt Issues
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

word count- 2562


•Pizza or Burger?

For me, Burger.

•Rains or Snowfall?

Rains, always.

But, snowfall looks divine.

Beach or Mountains?

Beach.

BLESSING MY EYES, AND (if you like) EVEN YOURS.

i didn't know what to do with this chapter, so I did this.

I love y'll. ;-)

Not edited.

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INAAYAT
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Even, the ticking of the wall clock seems so loud when you are trying to sleep.

Also-the professors' lecture but that seems more like a lullaby to me, now that I have finally sealed and understood that I will never understand anything related to science.

Except- no.

That's just inappropriate.

I mean, anything related to engineering science.

I have my eyes closed, and head tucked under my folded arms when I feel a sudden shove on my side.

"Get up." The voice whispers but I feel too drowsy to take the efforts and see who is spoiling my noon sleep.

"Inaayat." The voice again whispers and I realise that my seat is next to the very studious student of the entire college.

"I don't want to," I reply, my voice hitting the wooden table, causing the table to resonate a bit.

"He is on rounds. Get the fuck up." And that did the trick. The nerd becomes the jerk.

I slowly raise my head from the table, and the brightness of the room startles me. Taking my sweet time to adapt to the surroundings, I see the prof. standing and checking something. Currently, he is on the first row and I am seated on the third from the door.

"What is he checking?" I said stifling a yawn only to get a pointed look from Ishaan. Next to me, another girl from our class is seated writing something profusely.

Nikhil had a different lecture and with Mishti and Garima not being here today as well, Ishaan and I were the only ones from our group to attend this class.

Sameer hadn't been back since that day. It has been two days since we saw Sameer getting into the car. When he didn't show up yesterday, Ishaan and I had tried tracking his number and his location but we found nothing.

"Today's notes." He replies stubbornly.

"They still do that here?" I question confused.

What are we? Fifth graders?

"No, but when they see students sleeping in the lecture, they call for a surprise checking." He smirks and I look at the professor who is busy scolding a student.

"He saw me?" I ask stunned.

"Not you, but now he'll know that you were sleeping, too."

"What should I do, now?" I panic and look at the girl next to me who- wait-she sneers at me?

"What happened to her?" I whisper even lowly.

"You took away her golden chance to sit next to me. And very conveniently even wasted that shimmery chance by sleeping." He smugly informs me.

I look back at the girl and then at him.

"Why would she want to sit next to you?"

"Who better than you would know, huh?"

"Has she seen you shirtless?" I blurt out and realise how wrong that statement sounds. I should avoid speaking altogether."I mean, she knows about you?"

Walking and I don't go well. Talking and I don't go well.

My statement ignites his already high ego, and he smirks, "No. But, she still proposed to me last month." And suddenly I start doubting her choice. I mean, Shaan? Did she propose to him?

I look at her again and sigh. Why do people do not understand what the actual feeling of liking or love is?

I would have understood her proposing to Ishaan for his superficial appearance -who has two effing tattoos and swears and has muscles and - you get the point.

But, with Shaan it is different. Looks are secondary, with him a person can truly like him only when they know him. The real him. He doesn't even talk. I mean, how can you start liking somebody whom you haven't even conversed with. Liking develops when you talk, you understand, you spend time. First sight attraction isn't just enough for dating. Knowing a person inside out and not just for looks is the key element for liking and maybe, even love.

"Are you sure, she didn't propose to you for your notes?" I conclude. He stifles a laugh and nods.

"Possibly." He winks and I am suddenly aware that we are in a classroom where Shaan is supposed to be someone who doesn't talk, doesn't show any emotion and most importantly doesn't wink.

"You know you are in a class right? What if someone sees you talking." I mutter.

"If someone didn't see you sleep through the entire stretch of the lecture. I am pretty much more discrete than you were."

I roll my eyes at him, looking at the professor who is nearing our bench.

"I don't have notes. Heck, I don't even know what he taught us."

"I am aware."

"What am I supposed to do?" I say in trepidation. But, the only response I get is of him bloody smirking and enjoying my situation.

"You are enjoying, aren't you?" I glare at him. The prof. is nearing our bench and I look down at my completely blank sheets. Not even today's date is scribbled on it.

The girl next to me has five complete sheets filled and is still writing more. How much did he teach today? For how long was I asleep!

Just as the professor is checking the notes of students of our column, "Take these." Ishaan whispers placing a bundle of sheets before me. Stacking them over my empty ones.

I look at them examining how detailed everything is written on it. From the first word uttered by the professor till his last one, with their meaning and explanation. I don't even think that the professor taught and explained things with this depth.

I look at him and he passes me a confused look in return."Won't he ask for yours?"

"I have my own." He points at the sheets lying in front of him. The content of both bundles is the same.

"You made notes for me?" I question bewildered with the situation. He wrote two sets of notes, while everyone struggled to make even one.

"You were sleeping, so I thought." He shrugs and resumes, "Also, yesterday you didn't sleep because of the Sameer drama. This is the least I could have done." He replies as if it was nothing.

But, this gesture meant a lot to me.

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"So I have heard Shaan has started talking, eh?" Nikhil pops the question when we all sit at the cafeteria. Like starved hyenas, we all jump into the cafeteria whenever we have a free lecture.

I stop eating the sandwich I was hogging on and raise my head to look at Nikhil who instead has his eyes focussed on Ishaan who is silently drinking his juice.

"Uh-" Ishaan starts.

"Can you believe it, Aayat?" Nikhil looks at me, his face now carrying an amused look.

"Seriously?" I confirm shockingly.

"Exactly, I am so shocked. Shaan, who was the girl you were talking to huh?" Nikhil interrogates cheekily.

Ishaan looks at me for a minuscule second, turning his attention on Nikhil. His face spotting a confused look.

"Oof, you remember Keya?" Nikhil asks and Ishaan nods his head in affirmation.

"She has been telling everyone about how she saw you talking for the first time in the lecture. The shock on her face was so evident. And according to the flying rumours, you were talking to a girl..so who is she?" He smirks rubbing his palms together, waiting for the hot gossip which Ishaan would serve him.

"G-girl?" Here goes Ishaan with his acting. I roll my eyes before concentrating on my half-eaten sandwich and untouched cold coffee.

I hear Ishaan declining Nikhil's suspicions and after Nikhil is confident that Keya was wrong, the table falls into a comfortable silence.

But the superficial silence does nothing but shields the disrupt that is flaring inside me with every passing second. I realise how bad and hurtful it would be for Nikhil, Mishti and Garima when they realise who we are. In a true real sense.

How disheartened Nikhil would be when he finds his Shaan is someone who is very well capable of handling things on his own. How the guy he always assumed to be docile and shy is a complete opposite. How, hard it would be for them to digest the fact that the entire semester-people whom they called their friends-fuck best friends even do not belong to their age group. And are lying directly on their faces.

"Aayat?" I hear Nikhil's voice when I look at the place he was seated before, but he isn't there anymore.

"Aayat?" I raise my head realising that both Ishaan and Nikhil are standing ready to leave. I release the straw I was sucking on, only to realise that the glass was now empty.

I get up taking my bag and phone, giving them an apologetic look as we all move towards our lecture room.

"What were you thinking?" Ishaan asks as he matches his pace with mine leaving Nikhil to walk in front of us.

"Nothing," I whisper back.

"I saw you, it wasn't nothing."

"Thank you," I utter trying to change the topic.

"Thank you?"

"For the notes."

"Since when did friends start thanking each other?" He smirks and increases his pace, now walking beside Nikhil, quietly.

Friends.

And I don't realise when a smile makes its way on my face.

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I struggle to find my room's key when the door suddenly opens startling me to the core.

"You are back?" I am pretty sure that I am almost jumping in excitement as I see a smiling Mishti.

She flashes me a huge grin of her own and pulls me into a hug.

"I missed you, Aayu!" She sighs.

"I missed you too, Mishti." Two days without her in our room though gave me time to concentrate on my real mission, allowed me to be without my lenses and allowed me to call Maa, Papa and Ditu, freely.

But, there was an emptiness. I was so used to her excited shrills, scoldings, crankiness-that it has become my routine.

Breaking the hug she drags me to her bed where she starts ranting about her parents who joined her later. Her fiancé had come as well, but a day after her birthday.

"You know, I was with my entire family but I still managed to miss you. My room suddenly felt lonely and empty. I am so used to having you around-most of the times sleeping." She chuckles and I join her.

"I told Mom about you, she is so excited to meet you. Once we get our annual vacations, either I'll ask them to come here or we all will again travel to Mumbai. What do you say?"

"We will, I promise."

"Aayu," she sighs and I look at her wanting her to complete her sentence."I have always been an outcast. No friends or less, studying but never a scholar, wanting to have fun but restricted. I never had a best friend, never. Garima was always more like a cousin-the better sister, between us. I was always kind of neglected. Before, you. Sameer and I were never great friends, we were like people who exchanged a little more than hello and lot less than the general stupid conversations. I had never imagined Nikhil and Shaan to be my close friends, y'know? But-"

"But?"

"Everything changed. The day you entered this room, something changed. It is almost like, you became my path to the normal world. You helped me without even knowing. You helped, guided me whenever I was confused. I had never cried in front of anyone before. The day when my pamphlets were distributed-for the first time in my life I broke down in front of you, on your shoulder. You gave me the help when I didn't even know I needed it." Sighing she continues.

"I am so grateful to you, so so much. Being with you just brought a side of mine, I never knew I had. I am freer when I am with you. I-I put my guard down with you, and I haven't done that with anyone before. Thank you for being there. Just being there. Today, when I tell my parents that I have actual friends who care about me and who specially came to my city for my birthday, it's indirectly or directly because of you. You are the best best friend anyone could ever get."

As she keeps telling me things, I drown further into the pool of my guilt. I feel worse.

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I rub my eyes, opening them to see the lights of our room on. Glancing at the clock, it is midnight when I realise we both fell asleep while we were talking. Mishti is sleeping peacefully, her legs hanging from the bedside while her head resting on my knees. I slowly get up trying not to wake her up.

I correct her posture on the bed and cover her with the blanket. Switching off the lights, I sit on my bed.

Everything runs over again and again in my mind and I feel suffocated. My heart feels heavy and I feel so guilty. I know I am here for the killer but it pains that on my way to find the killer I am betraying them.

I have to be focussed, I can't fall weak now. I can't back away now. I walk towards the window sill, opening them and inhaling the fresh air. Trying to calm down my hazy thoughts when I see Sameer entering the campus. He is in the same old clothes he had worn the day before.

He is walking towards- oh my god.

I move back from the sill, realising that there is something so much deeper behind this. We had it all wrong. Everything.

Ishaan isn't in the campus today. He had messaged me during the class how he was going to his flat for the day.

I would have to handle today, all alone. He wouldn't be able to come here soon and I can't afford to lose time seeing that Sameer might just leave again. I pick my bed's mattress up in the air, looking at the silvery weapon hidden there. Taking the gun, tucking it in the back pocket of my jeans and covering it with my sweatshirt. I leave the room, wanting to confront Sameer.



This content was very important for me to include, cause I can't neglect the very first thing that college life gives us (apart from education) and that's friends.

Friendships play a very important role in a college life, and how Inaayat is going to deal with it from now on, will bring another highlight of her journey.

Don't forget to tell me how you liked the chapter..reviews?

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Also, the next chapter is *clears the throat* action.

Till the next chapter,
keep dodging the bullets,
.


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