Erin

20:43pm

Erin and Jay. Jay and Erin. Jamie and Erin, even. Jerin. Whatever you wanna call us, fine. I have no clue. I never have. This boy brings out feelings in me I didn't even know I was capable of feeling. Anger, rage, frustration, just to name a few. But right now; lust, want. Need. I need him.

Did I plan for this to happen tonight? Absolutely not. Did I think I'd be standing in Jamie's garage, making out with Jay while she's out of town? No fucking way. But, here we are. As usual, Jay and I are drawn to each other like magnets. I don't know exactly what he's thinking right now, with his arms around my waist, pulling my body into his as he kisses me. I never really know what he's thinking. But we're both doing this, and that's all I'm thinking about. Well, that and one other thing.

"Jay, we can't." I'm breathless as I pull away from him. Fuck, that was difficult. But... "We're standing making out in Jamie's garage! This cannot happen!"

He relaxes his grip on me and takes a step back, but, he doesn't let me go. Not completely.

"I know. We should leave." He says, his voice as low as I've ever heard it.

I look up into his baby blue eyes, trying to figure out what he's thinking. I know what I'm thinking, but we need to be on the same page... Hell, it took him years to admit he liked me, this boy needs a push. And I'm nothing if not a pusher.

"Do you wanna go back to the dance? Or the palace?" I ask, blunt is best. He frowns at me, but only slightly, because I referred to his house as the palace. It's one of the things he likes about me. He just said so.

"We should go back to the dance with Sarah's car." Jay says, looking deep into my eyes. He still hasn't let me go. I know he doesn't wanna go back to the dance.

"She won't worry about her car. Let's dognap Benji and go to your place." I suggest, slowly running a hand through his hair. The annoying hairs that always fall over his eyes. "Now that we've both calmed down, we could catch up about stuff."

"Stuff..." He says slowly, hugging me into him again. Yes, Jamie. Stuff.

"Come on." I take him by the hand and lead him towards the stairs. He doesn't argue.

Before leaving Jamie's house, I pack some dog food for Benji, and steal some clothes from Jamie. I need to get out of this ridiculous costume. I look hot, but it doesn't matter with Jay. I could wear a potato sack and he would still want me. I only wore this costume in hopes of getting attention from him at the dance, because I wasn't sure how he'd feel about me now. And honestly, I wanted to remind him of what he's been missing. I didn't know if he'd been fucking every girl he talks to or not. Now that I know he hasn't. I feel comforted.

"So, are you gonna pay to have Sarah's car valeted in the morning?" Jay asks as he pulls out on to the street. I look back at Benji nervously, yeah, Sarah may not be too happy about her back seat getting covered in dog hair.

"Well we couldn't just leave him." I reason. "Jamie and Patrick have gone to a gig in South Bridge. God knows Patrick won't come home tonight, so maybe Jamie won't either."

"Patrick wouldn't ditch Jamie for a hook up when it's just the two of them." Jay says as he drives. "You know that."

You never know with Patrick.

When we arrive at the palace, Jay heads up to his room to change, and I sit down by the pool and watch Benji sniff around the garden. It's been a while since I've been over here. In fact, the last time I was here was the time...

"You haven't been here since that night you told me you were leaving." Jay says as he steps out through the patio doors.

He's wearing what he usually wears now, and I feel my heart swell. I have missed him so much. I've missed his checkered shirts and band t shirts and ripped jeans. His lip ring and his annoying flippy blonde hair. His baby blues and his almost perfect smile. Everything about him.

I get up immediately and walk over to him, eager to pick up where we left off back in Jamie's garage, before he has time to change his mind about this.

"Whoa, slow down." He whispers as I wrap my arms around his neck and smile up at him. He places his hands on my forearms, like he's about to pull my arms off of him. But he doesn't.

"Why did you come here tonight, Er? Huh?" He whispers, looking down at my lips in frustration. He's fighting an internal battle with himself, I can tell, because I get him. Like no other girl does.

"I told Sarah I wanted to see Jamie and the rest of you guys." I explain. "Which was partly true. Really, I just wanted to see you."

He sighs and shakes his head, before finally gently pulling my arms off of him.

"This is getting us no where." He says, turning away from me. "Why are we even here right now? I should have taken you back to the dance."

I reach out and touch his arm, he stands completely still.

"You know why we're here, Jay." I whisper. "We should have been here years ago. We're both idiots, and we've both fucked up. Maybe we need to..."

I stop, because I wanna get the wording totally right. He turns to face me, and he's frowning. He finishes my sentence for me.

"Maybe we need to address this thing between us? Finally?" I nod my head.

"Maybe it's the only way..." I gasp as he reaches for both of my hands and starts walking backwards, leading me towards the patio doors.

"Fuck knows." He says, backing into the main kitchen of the house. "But for whatever reason, I don't think I've ever wanted you more than I do tonight."

I swallow hard at his words, because I couldn't agree more. Maybe it's because we haven't seen each other in so long. I don't know. I just know I want him, and nothing else matters. Fuck the consequences, this is happening.

When we get into his bedroom, he doesn't bother switching any of the lights on. We sit down next to each other on his bed, in almost total darkness besides some moonlight streaming in through the windows, and we never let each others hands go.

"Jamie..." I start, because I need to be honest with him. "I've been with guys in New York."

"Don't care." Is all he says, as he slowly rubs his thumb across my hand.

"And... This doesn't change anything."

"You don't know that, it might."

"It won't." I insist.

"Fine." He replies, his lips barely an inch away from my mine.

As long as we're both on the same page, I don't waste any more time. I've wanted to rip his clothes off of him since the day I met him. This has been a long time coming, and nothing is getting in the way of it. Not this time. This night is ours.

We both lean in slowly, and when our lips meet, I feel like I'm breathing properly for the first time since we stopped kissing in Jamie's garage. I can't explain what it is with him. I want him so much, and I'm afraid that my mind and my heart are both gonna long for him more than they have been already after we do what we're planning to do.

But I just can't resist anymore. I need to give in to my desires, just as much as he does.

He leans forward as we kiss, causing me to lay back on the bed. He's pinning me down as his tounge slowly caresses mine, and I find myself automatically tangling my fingers through his wavy blonde hair, gently tugging and encouraging him. I haven't felt this way in a long time. Not since the last time I was laying here, in this exact spot, with him on top of me, kissing me like this.

I'm normally extremely forward when it comes to sex, and I'm not shy at all. But, this isn't like all those other times. I don't wanna be forward with Jay. I want him to take control. Because he's the only boy that makes me feel this way. I wanna be submissive for him. I wanna let him do the decision making.

And he does. My top (well, Jamie's top) is the first thing to go, followed closely by the sweats I borrowed from Jamie. The moment I'm stripped down to my underwear, I'm excited by Jay's response to having me in this vulnerable position. His breathing is sharp and low. He's seen me in a bikini before, but this is different. I'm wearing a red lace bra and matching thong. I love wearing red, it's definitely my best colour, and I know Jay loves red on me too.

"Keep going." I whisper into his mouth, before pulling his lips back down on to mine.

Our kiss is faster this time, much more urgent and passionate. I arch my back, allowing him to slip his hands behind my back and undo my bra clasp. He breaks away from our kiss, looking down so that he can watch as he relieves me of the bra.

He tosses it to the floor, and I pull his checkered shirt and t shirt off of him quickly, before we resume kissing. He's pawing at my breasts now, and I'm moaning into his mouth because I love the feel of his hands against my nipples. I reach down and pull down the zipper of his jeans, before he pauses to discard them completely.

Now here we are, skin to skin, only two items of clothing away from being completely naked together. We're both breathing heavily, and it's dark, but I can tell we're both looking right into each others eyes. This is so intense, and I have never felt more turned on in my life. This is new to me. This feels romantic. This is not just a fuck, this is literally love making. Because Jay and I love each other.

I'm overwhelmed with emotion, which probably explains why I'm stopping Jay from reaching over to his bedside table.

"You've changed your mind?" He whispers, panting for breath.

"No." I whisper back. "I want you. All of you."

He pauses, because he's unsure about this. I wrap my legs around his waist, fulling pressing his arousal up against mine, and he grunts. Come on, Jay. This is us. This is how it should be.

"Erin, please." He breathes into my neck. I'm making this hard for him. Good. "We can't, it's not smart."

"We can. I'm on birth control." I assure him. "And I've never done it before."

He looks into my eyes again, but he doesn't make a move.

"You're the only one I've ever wanted to do this with. No one else. Only you." I whisper into his mouth.

And without another moments hesitation, he's kissing me like I've never been kissed before, and his hands are roaming all over my body, and my hands are tugging at his boxers, and he's pulling my thong down. And finally, finally, after all these years of our fucking stubbornness and refusal to just give in to this undeniable pull between us, we're together. Properly. No condom. We're connected physically at last, as much as two people can be.

And it's everything.

***

After, we lay in bed holding each other for what feels like hours. I'm aware that Benji is probably asleep on Jay's parents bed right now, which they would freak out about. I'm aware that I have completely abandoned Sarah tonight. I'm aware that my best friend Jamie is going through a tough time tonight, and I'm aware that Jay and I probably just made a huge mistake.

I just don't care.

All I care about is holding him, and playing with his hair, and kissing his lips and feeling the coolness of his lip ring against my tounge, and tracing the outlines of his tattoos with my finger tips, and smiling at him and laughing about some dumb shit from High School that we're reminiscing about. This is how it should be. How it should have been for the past four years. I love Jamie Montgomery. And I know he loves me. He's my lobster, and I'm his. We both know this won't last, but we have tonight. And we can make tonight last.

"Can we just stay here?" He asks me, as he twirls a strand of my red hair around his finger absentmindedly.

"I wish we could." I reply.

"Why can't we?" He asks, and I sigh.

"Jamie, please don't. You know long distance doesn't work." I remind him softly.

"Yeah." He says. He's stopped playing with my hair now.

"But it doesn't mean I don't..." I pause, taking a deep breath. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but he knows it already. And if not now, when?

"It doesn't mean I don't love you." I say quietly. "You know I do."

He pulls me closer into his chest and holds me tighter.

"I love you too." He whispers from above my head. "I'm never gonna get over you, Larson. Never."

"Same." I say quietly, before pulling away and looking up at him.

"Have we been total fucking idiots tonight?" I ask him, dead serious.

"Probably. But I'm glad." He says, smiling down at me.

"Okay. So, tomorrow. We go back to how we were before?"

"I guess. But, maybe you don't yell at me as much as you usually do." I laugh at his words and playfully shove his chest.

"So, I have you this way until morning." I say, gliding my hands down his body, towards his lower region...

"Yeah. So, obviously..." he says, climbing on top of me and pinning me down on the bed, "...we are doing that again."

"Over and over." I whisper, before bringing my lips up to his, where they belong.

I don't know what kind of alternate universe Jay and I are living on right now, and like I said, I could not care less. I'm too happy. I'm being selfish, we both are. Because we're both gonna go right back to resenting each other and feeling like shit after tonight. It's just too hard to care when I have him this way. I've had a lot of sex in my life so far, and hands down, nothing feels better than this. Nothing is better than Jay, my Jamie. And if it's only for tonight, I'm gonna make it last. Over and over, like I just told him.