Jamie

Benji has been walked, cornflakes have been eaten, make-up has been applied. I'm going over to Noah's dorm, and I'm bringing coffee.

Okay, so I know I was freaking out about the whole thing yesterday. We slept together, and he told me he couldn't be my boyfriend. Bla, bla, whatever. He also told me he likes me. Then he talked to me at school, and he double texted me. I can only take those things to be good signs. Sure, he was loitering around Madison Hudson, smiling and laughing with her. And sure, apparently she likes him. But what do I know? That could be totally innocent. The fact is, he likes me. He told me so.

So I'm not gonna let this Madison thing bother me. I'm not. I'm gonna put a pin in it, and just allow myself to actually feel optimistic about this thing with Noah. He doesn't wanna be my boyfriend, but who knows, things change. And I know he's never been like this with any other girl before. Sarah told me. So maybe I'm different. Maybe I'm the girl that could actually change his pessimistic view on relationships. Maybe. I hope so, anyway. For now, I'm just gonna go with it. I'm gonna surprise him with coffee, and take it from there.

I order a couple of lattes to go from Symposium, then head out. The minute I step outside, I see Will walking up the street. I smile at him, because Will and I get along now. Weird, huh?

"Morning, Archibald." I greet him as he approaches me.

"What's up, Hawkins?" He seems really happy today.

"I take it you had a good night with your secret girlfriend last night?"

"Oh, you know it." He laughs.

"Gonna tell me who she is yet?"

"Not quite yet." He grins at me. "She's talking to her parents and her friends today, then we'll officially be out in the open. I'm taking her to the dance tonight, I assume I'll see you there?"

"Absolutely. What are you going as?" I ask him.

"Well, my girl wants to dress up as an angel, so I'm going as Satan."

"Cool, think there may be a few Devil's at the dance tonight. That's Jay's costume of choice too."

"Right? You may not even recognise me tonight." We both laugh, what a lovely chat we're having. "What are you going as?"

"Cinderella, I think. Or a princess or some shit." I roll my eyes.

"That'll suit you." He says playfully, before saying his goodbyes and heading into Symposium. Awesome.

I walk over to the NBU dorms, sipping on my latte and trying to ignore my nerves. I probably should have texted Noah back, or I should have fucking asked Will if he's even at home right now. He could be out running or something. But hey, I'm trying to be spontaneous here.

I enter Noah's dorm building, because some smoker lets me in, as usual. One benefit of people constantly going outside for a smoke, easy access to these secure buildings. I head up to the third floor, and take a deep breath before knocking on the door to Noah's dorm. No answer. I know Will's out, maybe Noah is too. Damn, I should have texted him first.

But I'm here, so in the off chance that he is home and he hasn't put the latch on, I try the door. It opens. Success. He's home, and he's gonna be totally surprised. This is good.

I push the door back and step inside. And immediately, I see a hot, young blonde, standing facing the window in only her underwear and a guys shirt, talking on the phone. What? I recognise that voice. It's Madison. Fucking. Hudson.

"Yeah, Zo. Will isn't here. Uh huh. Yeah. Noah's in the shower."

What? What, what, WHAT!?

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm gonna be sick. Noah's in the shower??? And she's standing there in her fucking leopard print panties, and what I can only assume is one of Noah's shirts! He's sleeping with her! He's actually sleeping with her!?

I wanna scream, and I wanna cry, and I wanna throw both of these lattes at her fucking pretty little head. I can't believe this! It doesn't feel real!

I'm just standing in the doorway, holding these lattes like a fucking moron, staring at her as she talks to Zo on the phone. I can't move. My heart is in my throat, my mouth feels dry, and I literally cannot talk or move my feet.

She ends the call, turns around, and startles at the sight of me. I still can't speak. I'm just staring at her in horror.

"Oh, hi." She says, not unkindly. "I didn't hear you come in..."

She's waiting for me to say something. But I can't. My breathing is heavy, and I wanna punch her. I need to get out of here.

"Shit, this is embarrassing." She fumbles with the hem of Noah's fucking t-shirt, pulling it down to try and hide her fucking panties. Don't worry, doll, I saw them already.

I still can't say anything. And I'm still not moving. Ohmygod, Jame! Get it together! She's looking at me with mild interest.

"Uh, Noah's in the shower." She gestures towards the bathroom, and I can suddenly hear the sound of running water. Yeah, he's in the shower all right. Washing off a night of sex with you!

"Do you wanna wait... Or?" She asks me, like I'm a fucking two year old and I don't understand basic English. Fuck this.

I spin around on my heel and get the hell out of there. I run down the stairs, taking them two at a time, and burst through the main door out into the parking lot. I'm running. I never run, but I am. I throw the lattes down onto the street, which I hate because how hard is it to put stuff in the trash? But I'm emotional, and they were weighing me down. I need to keep running. I need to get as far away from these dorms as possible. I need to get home. I need to be alone.

As soon as I get in, I back myself up against my front door and catch my breath. The tears come, like I knew they would the second I got into my house, away from the public domain. I can't believe this. I barely even register Benji happily trotting over to me to greet me. He knows something's wrong though. He isn't jumping all over me like he usually does.

I slide down the door until I'm crouched down on the floor, and I bury my face into my hands as I cry. How could I be so stupid? How the fuck could I let myself catch feelings for someone like Noah?! I know what he's like, I know about the fucking sharing game! I know he's not interested in commitment, he's only interested in hook-ups. And yet, here I am, crying my eyes out over a boy I knew would never be mine. A boy I knew would never wanna make me his. I'm an idiot. A fucking idiot!

I consider texting him. I consider calling him out, and asking him what the fuck he thinks he's doing with Madison fucking Hudson. But, I don't. He's single. He can fuck whoever he wants. I'm the idiot, here. I'm the one that actually let myself believe I meant something to him.

I only have myself to blame.