Jamie
Shit, shit, shit!
Did Noah see me making out with that guy just now? God, I hope not!
No, wait, I'm single, I can do whatever the hell I want! Why do I care what Noah may or may not have seen? I don't. I don't!
"Um, I dare you to make out with Lisa." I say to Max quickly, not taking my eyes off of Noah.
I'm vaguely aware of Max getting up from his seat and getting down on to his knees on the rug next to Lisa to start making out with her. But my eyes are still on Noah. He isn't looking at me now, he's saying something to Zach, and now he's walking away from him, leaving the room. Zach pulls out his phone and sips on his beer for a couple of minutes while Lisa and Max make out, and by the time they're done John has joined Zach. I should talk to them, right?
"Where are you going?" I hear Shaun ask as I get up and walk towards John and Zach. I just ignore Shaun, he's not important.
"Guess we're done with Truth or Dare, then." I hear Joel say happily. Whatever, they can keep playing without me if they want to. Truth or Dare is lame anyway.
"Hey, hows it going?" Zach asks as I approach them. He sounds weird. Something's off.
"Hi, Jamie." John smiles at me, he seems normal at least. "Have you seen Aubrey? This house is so big, I have no idea where to find her."
"Last I saw her she was out by the pool talking to some friends." I inform him. "She's with Kim, too."
I look at Zach. He's smiling. Because I mentioned Kim? He used to play the sharing game with Noah in New York. I don't really know what to make of Zach anymore. I feel like I don't really know him at all now. I haven't said anything to Kim of course. But maybe I should say something to Zach...
"Let's go see if we can find them." John says to Zach with a big smile. He's eager to talk to Aubrey.
"Right." I say, still looking at Zach. "Did Noah tell you I met your friend Sarah the other night?"
Zach's smile almost falters. Almost, but not quite. He saves it well. This guy knows how to play, I think.
"Yeah, Sarah told me herself, too. I talked to her. Crazy that her roommate is your friend, huh? Small world." He continues to smile at me. I'm not smiling back at him.
"Crazy." I say, and I notice John giving me a funny look. I wonder if he knows about the sharing game. I have a feeling he doesn't.
"Come on you guys." John says, shaking off that weird moment and walking towards the door. I don't move to follow him, and neither does Zach. He's still smiling at me.
"Noah's gone upstairs." Zach says, raising his eyebrows at me. John is no longer within ear shot. "One look at you making out with some random guy, and he pretty much wants to leave. Crazy, huh?"
Zach's smile doesn't crack at all as he tears his eyes away from mine and follows John out of the room. What the fuck? I decide here and now that I am gonna tell Kim about Zach. There's something sketchy about this guy. That weird conversation just now proves it. She needs to know what he used to do with girls back in New York. But right now, I have a bigger problem to face.
I leave the room behind Zach, with one last glance over at the sofas. The guys and girls are all talking and drinking now, I think Truth or Dare is officially dead. None of them are looking at me, besides Shaun. He's eyeing me suspiciously, but I ignore him and exit the room.
Once I'm on the stairs, I wonder where the hell Noah went exactly. He's never been in Jay's house before, he could literally get lost in this mansion. There are other people loitering around, but they shouldn't really be up here. Noah shouldn't either. Whatever, I need to find him.
I walk by the sliding glass doors leading out to the balcony and look through. There's no sign of Noah, but for some reason I'm sliding the doors open and stepping out on to the balcony.
Breathing space. This is good. I'm alone, the fresh night air is filling my lungs. There's no Noah or Shaun or swallow tattoo to bother me. I can think here, if only for a few minutes, before resuming my search for Noah.
I help myself to another pink gin from behind the bar, then settle down on the L shaped sofa, warming myself by the fire pit. What is going on with me tonight?
I rub my temple with one hand and sigh. This fucking sucks. I shouldn't be having such a shit time at my best friend's house party. I should be having an awesome time with my friends, not sitting up here on my own trying to clear my own head from this fucking never ending confusion about Noah. He seemed pissed when he saw me downstairs, I assume because I was making out with swallow tattoo, but why would Noah be annoyed about that? I told him I like him, and he ran out of my house. I haven't heard from him since. He has fucking nothing to be upset about. Nothing at all.
I close my eyes and settle myself into the corner of the sofa, swinging my legs up so that I can lie down. I like it up here, and from where the sofa is positioned, I'm pretty much undetectable through the glass doors lying down like this. If anyone looks out, they'll have no idea that I'm here. Maybe I'll see Patrick and Lisa up here, that could be amusing.
I know who I won't see though, Noah. Hiding out like this will not achieve my goal of finding him and talking to him. But, he hasn't talked to me since I told him how I felt, so maybe that's okay. Why did I wanna find him so bad ten minutes ago anyway? I should just ignore him. Yes. Ignoring him and making out with other boys is the best plan of action, in my efforts to get over him....
Just then, the sliding doors open and I hear a male voice. For a second, I feel my heart stop because I think it's Noah. But it's not. Same accent though, it's Zach.
"Fuck if I know. I'm out on the balcony, where the hell are you?" I hear Zach say. I'm keeping statue still, I have no idea why. "John went outside to talk to the girls."
He's talking to Noah on the phone. I swallow, and remain perfectly still.
"We can leave if you want to leave, I have a feeling Sarah told her more than she let on. I don't even know if I should talk to Kim tonight now."
Interesting. I wait for more.
"Yeah, beside the main staircase." I hear him tap his phone and shove it back into his pocket, then I hear footsteps. He's walking over to the bar. Shit. I should really make my presence known now...
The sliding doors open again, and this time, I know it's him before he even speaks.
"We don't need to leave. You should talk to Kim." I hear Noah's voice coming from beside the doors. I should really sit up and announce my presence, rather than sinking myself down lower into the sofa cushions...
"I don't know. Jamie was weird downstairs. She definitely knows, dude." Zach says. Yeah, you're fucking right I know.
"I doubt it." Noah replies, his tone clipped. Like the mention of my name has just pissed him off or something. Why is he such an asshole? And why do I like him so much?
"I'm gonna call Sarah and ask her." Zach says.
"No, it's Saturday night, she's probably out. Just talk to Kim. You're overreacting."
"Am I, though?" This time, Zach sounds pissed. "I've been struggling enough with Kim as it is, if she knows what we used to do with girls, there is no fucking way she'll sleep with me."
"And is that such a bad thing? She's just another girl, right?" I can practically see Noah raising his eyebrows at Zach. I can't believe he just said that, though. Kim's awesome. These guys really are dicks.
"Shut up." Zach fires back.
"You keep giving me shit about Jamie, and I know it's because you like Kim. Seriously, Zach, you have never put this much work into sleeping with one girl. You haven't even kissed her yet. I know you like her. She's a cool girl, it's okay to admit that you actually care about her."
"You're one to fucking talk!" Zach doesn't take kindly to this.
"This isn't about me." Noah replies.
"Isn't it?! You couldn't leave the room quick enough when you saw Jamie with her tongue down that guys throat downstairs!" Cringe.
Noah sighs. "That doesn't matter. Go talk to Kim."
I hear the sliding doors open again, Noah has had enough of his little chat with Zach.
"Wait!" Zach calls out. The doors stop opening. "What if Kim... What if she thinks I'm an asshole?"
Wow, he sounds so vulnerable right now. In this moment, I know that Zach does like Kim. From what Noah just said, I guess he was just trying to hook up with her in the beginning, but not now. It's more now. I make a mental note to congratulate Kim for not putting out so soon. I should really remember that myself, too.
"You're not an asshole." Noah assures his friend. "She would have told you to fuck off weeks ago if she thought you were."
"But what about the fucking sharing game? What if she knows?"
"Only one way to find out. Go talk to her." Noah says. "Even if she does know, it's in the past. You were never as into it as Walker and Adrian were, neither was I. That's why we agreed things were gonna be different for us now."
Zach doesn't say anything, but I hear him walking over to the doors. I breathe a sigh of relief that they didn't spot me laying over here on the couch, totally fucking eavesdropping on their conversation.
"If I talk to Kim, you have to talk to Jamie." I hear Zach say, his voice slightly muffled now.
"No, that's not the same." Noah replies.
"Whatever, dude." The door clicks shut.
And finally, they're gone. I sit up slowly, barely able to believe they didn't notice me over here on the couch. Fuck me, that was a tense situation. And I should not have been listening to their conversation like that, I know I shouldn't have. But, I do feel a little better about Zach now. I suspect he was an asshole back in New York, but deep down he wasn't. I think it was a front. A disguise he wore around Adrian and Walker. Those two seem fucking delightful, I'd love to meet them...
I get up off of the couch, because I need to get the hell off of this balcony. But not before refreshing my pink gin. I walk behind the bar, crouch down to grab the bottle, stand up and hit my head on the underside of the cabinet.
"Motherfucker!" I yell, before sitting down cross legged behind the bar and massaging my head. Ouch.
"How long have you been out here?"
I freeze at the sound of Noah's voice. What the hell? He's still here!? I look up slowly and get to my feet, my heart fucking pounding, and right enough, there he is, standing by the wall next to the sliding doors with his phone in his hand. He didn't leave with Zach!? Shit, shit, shit! How did I not notice him standing there when I got up from the sofa just now!?
I stare at him, because words have officially fucking escaped me. I don't know what to say, or what to do. There's only one door in and out of this balcony, I have absolutely no defence for my being here right now. But he isn't saying anything else, he's just staring right back at me from across the balcony. Fuck!
"Um..." I finally manage.
"Where you hiding behind the bar?" He asks. He looks a tad ill. I'm not surprised.
"Um, no." I gesture over towards the sofa and his line of vision snaps over to the couch. He looks alarmed.
"Were you sitting there the whole time!? I didn't even notice!" Great observation skills, Noah. I'll go with it.
"Um, yeah. Zach came in, he didn't see me, then you came in. I, um..."
"Why didn't you say anything!?" He starts walking towards me. I take a step back so that I'm behind the bar again. I don't need to be in close proximity to him, especially when there's no one else around. "Zach and I, we were talking, we..."
He stops in front of the bar, and he really does look sick now. He's realising that they were talking about the sharing game in front of me. Thank fuck, he won't focus on how sketchy it was of me to not let them know I was here. I doubt he'll even notice I was pretty much hiding out on the sofa, not just casually sitting there on my own like he thinks.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have overheard your conversation with Zach. I should have said something." I say, watching him carefully. He does not look happy. You know, for a change?
"Right." He says, and I see his throat bob as he swallows. "So you heard..."
He trails off. We both know what I heard.
"Yeah." I say, before taking a deep breath. "Sarah told me about it already."
His eyes widen in shock, and I now know Sarah told me the truth when she said she didn't give Noah the full details of our conversation. Sarah is awesome. I really like that girl.
"She did?" He asks, before dragging a hand through his hair. Ugh, too sexy.
"Yup. And I never said anything, because it's really none of my business. I haven't said anything to anyone else, either. Including Kim."
Noah freezes, with his hand on the back of his neck, and eyes me with confusion. So I go on.
"This weird sharing game thing is in the past. It doesn't concern me at all. As shitty as I think it is, I'm not here to judge you or Zach. We've all done things we're not proud of. For me, that's Will. For you, it's your sharing game." I shrug my shoulders and pick up my pink gin from the bar for a celebratory sip. I nailed that. I think. Letting him off the hook a little easy? Probably. But, like I said, his past is no concern of mine.
"Sarah told you about it... When you were in the city?" He asks me. He still looks stunned. What isn't he getting here?
"Yeah, she did." I confirm.
"That was before..." He stops, and looks down at his feet. I wait. I don't know what he's getting at. "Before the other night."
His voice is quiet, and I know it's because he's uncomfortable talking about the other night. Or, in other words, the night I told him I like him as more than a friend and he ran out of my house like it was on fucking fire. Good times.
"Yeah, so?" I ask, because I don't know why this is important.
"Sarah told you about...my past. And you still told me..." He shakes his head, because he can't say it. I understand though. He can't believe I told him I liked him, even after finding out about how him and his friends used to treat girls. It is pretty unbelievable, I guess. I'm an idiot, really.
Another shrug of my shoulders, and I've decided this conversation is getting us no where. He's uncomfortable, and he probably wouldn't even be talking to me right now if he didn't have to.
"I'm gonna head back down to the party." I say, stepping out from behind the bar and walking past him towards the doors. "I won't say anything to Kim, as long as Zach doesn't fuck her around, of course. I do think he genuinely cares about her. We'll see though, I guess."
I'm not looking at him as I open the sliding door, but he speaks again.
"I'm sorry."
I turn back around to face him, one hand still on the door. I frown at him. "For what?"
"For how I reacted. I wish it could be different." He looks like he's in pain as he walks towards me. I release my grip on the door and take a few steps towards him. He wishes it could be different? He wishes we could be together? I need to know more.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I wish I hadn't rushed out of your house the way I did. It was a dick move." He explains, and my heart sinks. Why am I so stupid?
"Well, Noah, I wish things could be different for me too." I say with a sigh. "I wish I didn't like you, it would make things a hell of a lot easier for me."
"I agree." He says, a little coldly. "I can't give you what you want. You deserve better. That guy you were kissing down stairs earlier might turn out to be the boy of your dreams. But it's not me."
I can't believe he just said that. I glare up at him, at a loss for words. He's frowning at me, then shaking his head slightly. And without another word, he walks out the door and closes it behind him, and I'm left on my own, feeling like a complete fucking moron. Again.
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