Jamie

Thursday night, and I’m sitting in my garage wearing my pyjamas with my hair in a messed up bun, glasses on, zero make-up, fluffy socks. I’m in my comfort zone, and I’m surrounded by my three best friends and my dog. Couldn’t be happier.

Well, that’s not entirely true, I’d probably be happier if I wasn’t so torn up about my feelings for Noah, and the fact that I haven’t heard from him since I told him I like him. It sucks, but I need this. I need distance from him, so that I can get the fuck over him.

We’re in the middle of playing one our songs Mediocre Fuck, one of my favourites (I wrote it about Will) when there’s a loud rapping on the garage door. We all stop playing, besides Patrick, he can’t hear it over his drums. Jay motions for Patrick to stop, as I get up and approach the garage door. Someone is really pounding on my door right now, I’m kinda freaked out.

“Okay, I’m coming, stop!” I call out as I reach for the door handle and pull it open. Standing in front of me, is Will.

“Will, what the hell are you doing here?” I ask him sharply. My heart was in my throat just now, because my first thought was Noah. Of course it’s Will. How disappointing.

“Jamie, I need to talk to you. And this time, I’m not leaving until you totally hear me out, and hopefully decide that you can forgive me.” He speaks quickly, and he sounds determined, so for once, I decide to hear him out.

I gesture for him to enter my garage, and he walks in quickly. Jay, Joel and Patrick haven’t moved from where they were sitting (Patrick behind his drums, Jay and Joel on either sofa) but they are staring daggers at Will as he walks past them, completely ignoring them, and heads up the stairs to the kitchen.

I blink a few times before shrugging my shoulders at the guys and following Will upstairs. I close the door behind me. I know the guys won't follow me. I can handle Will Archibald.

"Jamie, I know you hate me. And I don't blame you, I was a complete dick to you, and I don't deserve your forgiveness. But I need it. I really fucking need it." His eyes are wild as they bore into mine. I have no idea what's brought this on, but I know he won't stop until he says what he came here to say. Not this time. So I let him go on.

"I knew about the bet. Yes. And I told the football team after we had sex, yes. I completely cut you off, yes. That wasn't planned, and I have no defence for my actions. But I was so conflicted about Harvard, and my future, I didn't know what to do for the best. But I knew that we didn't have a future." He gestures at the space between us. "I should have talked to you and ended things properly, but I was a coward. I was an idiot. I still am an idiot."

He's not sighing, he doesn't look cut up about this. He's being straightforward and direct. And honestly, I appreciate that. He's not acting like this is any harder for him than it is. For once in his life, he seems to be being real with me. So I don't interrupt, and he continues.

"I made out with Madison Hudson three times when you and I were seeing each other. I know she told you, but I never did. So there it is. Another shitty thing I did go you. And finally, Noah."

He pauses and looks at me meaningfully. I swallow, but I remain silent.

"The second I realised he knew you, I should have told him about my history with you. But I didn't. And I'm sorry about how that played out, and I'm sorry I kept it to myself for so long, and I'm sorry for springing it on you out of no where at the beach party last weekend. But the one thing I can't apologise for, is my reasoning behind all of that."

He sits down at the kitchen table, his eyes never leaving mine. I know he's not done talking. But I don't sit. My guard is still majorly up with this guy. I can get away from him faster on my feet, so I'll remain standing for now.

"I didn't tell Noah about me and you, because I know he has feelings for you. I've know it since the first day of classes, when he told me about how he bumped into you then got paired up with you in English Literature. I don't know everything about him, and I don't know him all that well, but I know he likes you. There's something in the way his manner kinda changes when he talks about you. I thought if he knew about us, it would change things for him. And I didn't wanna mess it up. I thought you guys would get together, and then I planned to come clean with him. Then when I learned you were in my Social Studies class, I thought, fuck. So my plan changed a little. I decided it would be best if me and you could get back to being friends, or if not friends, acquaintances who could at least stand to be in the same room together. Because I thought you'd end up dating my roommate."

This is all a bit much. Hearing him say these things is not helping how I feel right now. Noah doesn't like me, he couldn't get away from me quick enough after I admitted liking him. I don't need to hear Will's opinions about Noah and me.

"But now, I'm not so sure."

My eyes widen. He doesn't think Noah likes me anymore? Well, he's right on the money there.

"He likes you, I know he does. And I know you like him. But I'm unsure if you guys will ever be together, he's too fucked up. Hell, he's more fucked up than I am."

"And that's fucking saying something." I can't resist throwing that in. It doesn't shake Will at all.

"So now, here I am. My roommate likes my ex." I frown at him. We were never a couple, and he knows it. He rolls his eyes at me. "Or whatever you wanna call it! Whatever. He likes you, and you like him. But I don't think you're gonna get together anymore, so with that logic, my worries about the effect I may have on your chances of being together are now redundant. I have absolutely no reason to want your forgiveness anymore."

I stare at him, because he has shocked me. Why the hell would he come over here to tell me that he basically doesn't feel obligated to give a fuck about me anymore? I am so over this. He needs to leave. I'm about to show him the fuck out, but he starts talking again.

"Yet, here I am. Ready to beg." He doesn't blink, and this time, he waits for me to speak.

"I don't want you to beg me for anything." I say quietly, because I'm stunned.

"I know you don't. But this is me trying to prove to you that what happened between us shouldn't have happened. I was a dick, I made a lot of mistakes. But besides all of that, I had an awesome time with you when we used to hang out. Besides the one time we kissed, we were great together." He raises an eyebrow at me playfully and I laugh. I actually laugh. Will Archibald just made me laugh, genuinely, not sarcastically, for the first time in like 8 months.

"Okay, so we were never gonna be the couple of the century. We were never gonna last. But we had fun. We made each other laugh. We were friends." He pauses, and I sit down at the table opposite him. "I wanna get back to that. Because honestly Jamie, cut out the pointless romantic aspect of everything that happened between us, and we were good. Really good."

"Cut out the parts were you were a total dick too." I say, and he gives me a small laugh.

"Obviously." He says. "I know what I did to you was awful, and I know you don't want to forgive me. But I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. And I want you to know that I am truly sorry. If you ever feel like you could get to a place where you wouldn't mind saying Hi to me when you pass me in the halls at college, or a place where you wouldn't mind grabbing a coffee with me and talking, whatever, just let me know. Because I would like that."

I consider this, but I can't assure him that that's gonna happen. I am over everything that went down with Will and me, I have been for a while. But that doesn't change the way he treated me. Still, in time, maybe Will and I could get along. Him coming here and saying all this to me has scored him some points. There's nothing I appreciate more than people being open and honest with me, and I'm pretty sure that's exactly what he's just done.

"I can't make any promises Will." I say. "But, I could try not to shout at you every time I see you from now on."

He gives me a small smile, which I purposely don't return. This is progress though. This is definitely progress. I don't think he deserves my complete forgiveness so easily, but it will come. It'll just take some time.

"Thank you. I will never be a dick to you again, I promise." He says.

"Not just me. All girls." I say, frowning at him. "I know Madison is at NBU too - do you still fuck her around?"

"Don't worry about Madison, I'm working on her too."

"What happened, did you join a 12 step programme, or something?" I ask, and he laughs again. "Step 4 - make amends with everyone you've ever wronged?"

"No. I think I'm growing up, though. College must be maturing me." Another smile from him.

"Well, that's a start at least." I stand up. This has been pretty heavy, the conversation is over. I am curious about why he has suddenly convinced himself that Noah and I are never gonna happen, but I don't wanna ask him to clarify. I'm afraid his answer may hurt too much. I don't wanna hear it.

"Thank you again, Jamie. I'm not a dick anymore, I swear. I'm gonna prove it to you." He stands up and we head towards the front door of the house. "I'll see you in Social Studies tomorrow?"

I nod my head, careful not to smile. We have made progress, but he needs to know that he's still skating on thin ice. Our friendship hasn't just repaired itself automatically, it'll take more time. He smiles at me anyway before opening the front door and leaving.

The second the door closes, I hear the door at the top of the garage stairs open, and my boys burst into the kitchen.

"You actually bought all of that shit?" Patrick says, at the same time Joel says "that was real mature of you, Jame." at the same time Jay says "where the fuck did that come from?"

I shake my head and laugh at them. They should be happy that I'm not gonna moan and bitch and shout when I talk about Will now.

"He was real just now, you guys. Would I call him my friend? No. But, not hating him is better than hating him, you know?"

Joel smiles at me, Patrick looks at me with disgust and Jay rolls his eyes.

"There's no point arguing with you, kiddo." Jay nudges me on the shoulder playfully. "You always were a stubborn one."

"Exactly." I smile at him. "Will Archibald isn't earning my friendship that easily. But it's a start."

"You're such a weirdo." Patrick shakes his head at me before helping himself to a beer from the fridge.

"I still don't think Will's trustworthy, but you're being the bigger person here, Jame. And that's awesome." Joel looks so proud of me, so cute.

"Whatever, can we go play now? He totally interrupted our flow." Patrick points out.

"Are you gonna invite him to my house party this weekend?" Jay asks me, ignoring Patrick.

"No way. Far too soon for that." I say evenly. "But, I wouldn't be surprised if I saw him there."

I grin at Jay and he laughs. His house parties are a total free for all. People don't get invited, they just show up. We usually don't even know at least half the kids there. Jays party's are always awesome.

"What if he takes Noah?" Jay asks, and my smile fades.

"Noah hasn't talked to her since she told him she likes him. He's not gonna show up at your house, dude." Patrick says to Jay.

"You never know, he might." Joel contributes. "He knows you live in a mansion, big house, less chance of bumping into people."

I bite down on my bottom lip, because Joel has a point. Everyone goes to Jays house party's. I know Aubrey and Kim are going, so John and Zach will probably show too. Which means there is a very good chance Noah will go too. But he knows Jay is my best friend. He'll know there'd be a very good chance he could bump into me at Jays house. Would he be dumb enough to go, and risk running into me? I just don't know. I don't know him well enough. Which is an extremely irritating thought. How could I have feelings for some dude I barely know?

I sigh as we head back down to the garage. I don't think about Noah the rest of the night, because I'm focussed on jamming. But when Jay suggests writing some new music, I do think about Noah. Because I know how to channel my emotions into music, and if there's one thing I know right now, it's that these emotions will make for a fucking great heartache song.