Kingston Hines

"Vitals and everything seem to be clear." My resident, Doctor Miller announced before shifting her attention back to the patient that laid flat on the table. It was a white male, in his mid to late thirties, brown hair, pale skin, visible tattoos. He had been our patient for the last couple of months, today however was the day he was long awaiting; the day of his heart transplant.

After just a few months of counting down the days, his name finally made it to the top of the transplant list and within hours of that announcement; there it was, a perfect heart ready and waiting for him. Most of the interns were ecstatic, many excited; after all we had watched this man pray and believe that by faith this day would come and here, it was. Everyone had a reason to be excited, including the other doctors and nursing staff that watched from the gallery.

I, on the other hand stood in this OR with a turned stomach. My nerves in disarray, my mind cluttered and my attention unfocused. While everyone paid close attention to the transplant itself I couldn't help but look at the man that laid on the table. Now, I don't know if it was the lack of sleep or the fact that I was doing double overtime but no matter how much I tried to shake it; he looked too much like the distant memory that I had tried so hard to push to the back of my head for the last two years. I didn't understand why it was coming back all of a sudden.

"Earth to Hines!" I heard someone yell causing me to jump ever so slightly. With widened eyes I turned to where the call was coming from, Dr. Miller stared directly at me; a scalpel held up right under the light. It was as if it glistened the moment I took a glance at it.

"My apologies." I cleared my throat and said, looking around at my fellow intern's faces or as much as I could see, rather.

"Are you with us?" Dr. Miller questioned.

"Very much so. Once again, I must have just drifted off for a moment... but yes, I am here now."

"Are you alert or would you like to take a step outside to gather yourself?" She pressed.

"No, I should be good." I nervously cleared my throat again, "go ahead, please."

"Well, before you made it so evident that this wasn't worth your attention. I was requesting that you came over here to assist. Last time I checked you were at the top in terms of progress, yet out of the bunch you have yet to actually assist in a surgery. Is that correct?"

"Uh, yes ma'am." I nodded and said, feeling just a hint of sweat begin to fold against the back of my neck. "I prefer to take in as much as I can through observation. I'm a learn by sight kind of guy?"

"Fair enough, but you've been cleared off by almost every single department in terms of your ability to be a great doctor. However, it was your dream to be a surgeon, is that correct?"

"Yes, that is correct."

"Well then," she looked at the scalpel then back at me, "you can't get to that level, just standing and observing. Scrub in as fast as you can, so you can assist with this incision. With his vitals being at a good place, I can wait for you to return."

"Uh." I glanced up into the gallery for a moment, realizing how many people were actually watching. Once I had a good estimate of '15' alongside the 4 other interns in my group; I returned my attention to her. "I think you're doing a great job so far and almost done at that, if anything I can just assist with the next one."

"Yeah you said that the last time I offered you this moment and gave it to Amethyst." She looked towards my coworker as she spoke. "I know she can do it. Now the question is, are you as good in real life as you are on paper?"

"I get that but it's li-."

"Hines!" She exclaimed, shutting me up before I could mutter another excuse. "Do you want to be a surgeon or not? I'm not forcing you but you gotta make up your mind at this point in time! Is this really the profession for you? A simple yes or no is all it takes, if it's yes, then you cut... if it's no, then you get out of my O.R. and see if the nurses have an opening. However, what you're not about to do is push this to the side yet again. I need a choice." Her eyes were piercing mine and I could tell unlike the previous times, my avoidance was not going to fly.

I stepped away from the rest of the group and walked towards the scrub area. I turned on the water and watched through the window as she stood there, with her eyes still on me, scalpel in her hands, waiting.

I began to follow the usual procedure in terms of scrubbing, and just as I looked down at the water washing away the soap from in between my fingers; I nearly jumped at the sight of blood dripping down my hands. Blood filling the entire sink, running down the stream into the drain. My eyes widened and my heart began to race, "what the f...." I closed my eyes briefly then looked back at them, this time there was nothing but the clear water.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I shut the faucet off, stepped away from the sink. I was assisted by one of the scrub nurses that stood by, she helped me dry my hands, alongside putting on my surgical gown and gloving up.

I took a deep breath before stepping back into the OR. It felt like I was floating as I made my way over to the operational table. I looked down at the man's open chest before taking a good look at his face. I glanced up at the vitals just to make sure I was aware of his levels before finally, looking into Dr. Miller's eyes. "Here you go." She said, pushing the scalpel in my direction.

Although hesitant, I took it into my hands and looked down at the exposed area. "Do you see where you need to make the incision?" She pointed.

"Yes, Dr. Miller."

"And why do we have to make this incision?"

"It's apart of the removal process."

"What will we be doing afterwards?"

"Removing the failing heart, replacing it with the donor heart which we will attach to the remaining tissue."

"Correct." She nodded and said, "with that being said; the pathway is clear for you. Go ahead and make the cut. If you need help at any moment feel free to let me know. It's simple so I'm sure you will be good."

I nodded and looked down at the open chest yet again, I could heart my heart beating in my chest. I could feel my throat tightening, however I assumed it was nothing more than a wave of nerves, yet again. I held my hand steady and just as I was about to lean in; I saw it yet again.

"My blood will forever be on your hands, Kingston. No matter how hard you try and forget about me. You're a murderer... you killed me, then you had Kira killed. Have you not heard about karma?" I snapped my head around to see where the voice was coming from, dropping the scalpel in the process.

"What in the world? Hines?!" Dr. Miller let out, the nurses that stood by me, stepping to the side. "Dr. Hines!" She said, yet again.

I could feel my heart beating ever so slightly, my head began to throb with pain. I aggressively pulled off my gown, rushing out of the OR. I tossed it into the soiled bin on my way out. Once I got into the hallway I removed my mask and scrub hat, then leaned over; letting out a necessary deep exhale.

"Kingston!" I heard someone call out from behind me. "Kingston!" They said again, placing their hand against my shoulder. I nearly pushed Amethyst against the wall as I shook her off of me. It wasn't until I turned around and got a good look at her, that I was able to actually calm myself somewhat down.

"I'm sorry!" I said, placing my hand against my heaving chest.

"No, it's okay." She said, pushing her hair behind her ear. "I just came out here to see if you were okay. What's going on? Are you dehydrated? You look a bit pale... should we run an IV?"

"No," I shook my head and stopped her before she could continue. "I'm okay." I muttered, "I just... I... you can tell Dr. Miller that I quit."

"You what?!" She scoffed, "Kingston, let's get real. You're the best in our group. You were nervous and that happens, it's okay. You're not going to get penalized for being nervous on your first incision."

"You don't understand."

"I do!" She smirked. "We have all been there. I get it. When you fail, you don't give up. You get up and continue."

"I can't." I ran my fingers through my hair just thinking it over. "I... broke the number one rule."

"Clearly, you're tired!" She chuckled. "You did not even harm him. The scalpel fell on the ground, nothing was compromised whatsoever."

"No... you really don't get it."

"Well maybe if you explained better!"

"Kingston, you alright buddy?" Another one of my coworker came out and asked, I could see the concern in his eyes. However knowing that he was next when it came to me, made me very cautious. I kept my words few as opposed to my conversations with Amethyst who I had grown to look to as a sibling.

"I'm good." I answered and said, giving Amethyst a look that she knew very well. "Just over worked myself by picking up this double shift. I'm going to head on home. i'll catch you guys later."

"Alright man, try your best to get some rest." He offered as I began to walk off. I gave him a simple nod before turning on my heels and walking my way towards the change room.

I emptied out my locker, making sure it was clear of all my belongings before I changed into my jogging suit. I adjusted my bag on my shoulder and powered on my personal phone before shutting the corner locker and continuing out the exit.

I shot a familiar number a next letting them know I'd be there in five to pick up something I desperately needed more than I had realized. Once I saw the confirmation in the 'delivered' at the bottom of the text, I slid the phone into my pocket and continued towards my car.

I wasted no time when it came to peeling out of the lot and speeding down to a home that I knew all too well. Once I got into the driveway, I took a glance in my rearview mirror the sight of the car seat causing me to rethink this decision. However, the urge I felt was far too strong to ignore. I needed this.

The front door of the house reopened and I saw Julissa making her way down the steps with my fix in her hands. Unbuckling my seatbelt, I got out just as she made it over to me. "I was surprised to get a call from you so late."

"I know. I'm sorry about that."

"It's fine. I was clearly up anyways." She looked into my eyes and twisted her lips to the side. "Rough night?"

"That obvious?" I asked.

"Well, you only pull up at these times when you're really in need. So, yes. Very much so." She smirked, then handed it over to me. "Whatever it is. I hope you get through it soon."

"I appreciate that." I nodded and said.

"Anytime." She nodded, "message me tomorrow if anything comes up."

"Of course." I said.

Julissa patted my shoulder before leaning in to kiss, our sleeping daughter on the top of her head. "I didn't pack anything because I know you got stuff for her at your house. However, keep me updated when when you plan on bringing her back."

"No doubt. Thanks again for this, I know it's not my day to have her."

"It's fine," she grinned, "I needed a little break anyways and clearly you needed your 'fix'." She ran her thumb over our daughter's cheek once more before letting out a soft sigh. "One more?" She looked up and asked, "that's all, I promise I will never ask for another thing. Just one more, perfect little baby."

"I have a wife." I looked down at her and expressed playfully, "a pregnant one at that."

"Here you go." She rolled her eyes, "always the perfect guy, never wanting to bend the rules." With a shake of her head, she backed up. "Your loss anyways, you know you miss this." She winked.

"Goodnight, Julissa!" I laughed off while opening up the back door so that I could put my child into the back seat.

"Goodnight Kingston, drive safely. Please!"

"Of course." I smirked, waiting for her to go up the stairs and into the house before fully focusing on adjusting the seatbelt around my perfect princess. I leaned down and kissed her cheeks, inhaling her scent for a moment before lifting my head and shutting the door.

As I shifted my car into park as I got into the driveway of my home, I couldn't help but smile at the sight of the cars that filled it. Zuri's was parked alongside Omari's and Oshane's was parked next to Shai's. This was something I was used to, our house being the chill spot. Our events usually ran pretty late anyways so I wasn't surprised and as much as Shai hated to admit it, she hated being along when I had long shifts. So, she'd purposely plan these "family nights" as a way to have some form of company. If she was lucky, she'd find a way to finesse Zuri to stay over.

I gathered my things and took out the car seat then made sure my car was lucked before hustling up the driveway towards the front door. Before I could even reach for my keys, the door flew open and the bright smile on Shai's face was something I wish I could bare witness to; 24 hours a day.

"My husband is home!" She exclaimed, wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing my lips quite a few times. "And of course, the most beautiful girl in the world." She removed her arms and took the car seat from my hands, walking ahead of me as I shut the door behind us. "You're home earlier than I expected." She said, "is everything okay?"

"Hmm, we can talk about it later." I said, as we neared the group that seemed to be cozied up in front of my flat screen; their eyes glued on Michael B. Jordan in Without Remorse.

"As you can see, they're occupied." She said, placing the car seat onto the floor and crouching down so that she could take baby Serena out. Shai rocked her once she realized she was beginning to stir. With a simple head rest against Shai's chest, Serena was back out like a light. "The TV is pretty loud. Let's bring her upstairs and you can tell me about your day."

"Let me just say what's up to everyone first."

"Alright, I will meet you up there."

"Sounds good." I waited for her to head on upstairs before washing my hands. Once they were dried, I opened up the app in my phone and paused the movie everyone was so into. As if on cue, they rose from their comfortable posture and looked over into my direction.

"Should've known it was you!" Oshane sucked his teeth.

"The jail scene is the best part, how could you?!" Zuri flashed me a dirty look and asked.

"We both know you watched this movie about fifty times, you'll survive." Marley directed at her.

"If you're jealous just say that." She shot back.

"Why would I be jealous? He's on a screen, I'm hitting that daily." He bit down on his lip as he scared in her direction.

"TMI!" Jade exclaimed, covering her ears.

"I have to second that one." Destiny agreed, leaning into Oshane's chest.

"I know you are not talking!" Zuri laughed. "You and Oshane?!" Her brow raised.

"How did we even get here?" Omari asked, confused. He laughed out loud, "bruh. Can we... just turn the movie back on?"

"I just wanted to say what's up?" I walked into the living room and grabbed a handful of Marley's popcorn popping them into my mouth. "Also to ask... y'all don't got houses of your own?"

"For your information, we were invited by your loving wife. She said we can stay as long as we'd life." Marley answered.

"I don't know why she'd do that. She knows we can't feed your fat asses." I teased.

"I know you and your marriage weight ain't talking." He laughed.

"I know you and your divorce diet aint tryna say something to me." I threw a popcorn in his direction, which he just to happened to catch. Meanwhile everyone laughed.

"Low blowwww!" Omari let out, threw a fit of laughter.

"You're lucky you're my brother." Marley pointed before eating that same one.

"It's all love on this side." I winked, "Anyways, enjoy your movie. Shai and I will be back down in a few." I hit the play button on the app and put the phone back into my pocket as I made my way towards the staircase.

I headed up and immediately knew where Shai would be. Baby Serena had her own room, which from the sight of it was occupied by Jade and Omari's little boy and Baby Caleb, Zuri's son. Right next to it, was the nursery for our future child who was on the way.

I stepped inside the room that was dimly lit by nothing but a night light. Shai leaned into the crib, rubbing Serena's back. "She woke up again?" I whispered.

"She's a light sleeper, just like you." She responded then stood up right. "She should be good now." Shai reached over and took on of the popcorn pieces from my hand, placing it into her mouth. "How are you though?" She asked, "you look horrible."

"Why, thanks for the honesty."

"It's my duty. As your wife." She smirked, leading the way to our bedroom so that we wouldn't have to whisper. "All jokes aside though, what happened? Are you not feeling well?"

"Hmm..." I inhaled deeply once we got into our sanctuary. With Shai's intelligence in decor, I felt immediately at peace which was her initial aim when designing this place for us. "I've had better days." I said through a sigh.

"Do you want a massage while you tell me what happened?"

I finished off the popcorn and dusted off my hands. I, then proceeded to take a seat on the bench we had just added to our room. I patted the seat next to me and my beautiful wife, joined my side without question.

I took her legs and placed them on top of my lap, "I missed you." I said, while giving them a good rub down.

"I missed you more."

"And I love you..."

"You know I love you more."

I smiled softly, then gazed into her direction. "The memories are coming back." I began. "This time, during surgery. Miller realized I was putting off taking my first cut and she put me on the spot. I freaked out in the middle of it, dropped the scalpel and rushed out. Told them I was quitting."

"You what?!" He brows furrowed, the confusion on her face quite evident.

"Babe.. before y-."

"You can't just up and quit. Kingston, this is your dream."

"I broke the first medical rule. Do no harm and although it feels like it's been forever. That memory is so fresh, I can't seem to shake it. Every time I watch a surgery from the gallery or observe. My mind just goes back to the violent memory. To the place that I let myself get to. it's... too much."

"Babe, we do some form of counselling."

"And say what? Hey... I killed a man in Jamaica because he tried to harm the love of my life. Yes, and now memories of it are haunting me." I laughed, sarcastically. "think about it, Shai!"

"I... I don't know but yo can't just be okay with this ruining your life. Everything you've worked for. This is what you've wanted your entire life. To be a surgeon."

"I abused my power once and I feel like life is punishing me for it. Maybe even God for my sins."

Shai sighed, "so where do we go from here?"

I shrugged, "I figured maybe I'd find another profession."

"Which like slapping a bandaid on something that clearly need stitches. We need an actual fix Kingston."

"Yeah well, I have no idea. Quite frankly, I don't even know where to start." I scoffed.

"We need to brainstorm some kind of an idea. I can't live with the fact that something involving me stopped you from