Chapter 40.

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I opened my eyes letting out a groan as I grabbed my phone and realised I had gotten less than two hours of sleep, I wasn't surprised. It was just after six in the morning. How could Jordan's parents think we could rest while Ezra had not woken up for yet?

I sighed pushing myself up in bed before running my hands through my hair and over my face until I stopped and temporarily panicked when I saw someone across my room. I relaxed when I realised who it was.

"Sergio." I mumbled annoyed. What the hell was he doing lurking in the dark?!

"You look terrible."

"How did you get in here? How long have you been here?" I asked as he stood up from my desk chair and sat on the edge of my bed.

"Window. Just an hour. Where's Jordan?" Sergio asked as he hugged me.

"He's not here?" I asked alarmed, forgetting about the fact that he had shown up at 5 A.M. in the morning.

"I didn't know which room was yours so I looked through all of them on the second floor, I didn't see him." he said.

"I'll check downstairs." I got out of bed.

"Babe, wait –"

"I have to find him if he's gone, Sergio. He thinks he did this – he might hurt himself." I said walking out.

I made my way through my house slowly as I looked for Jordan.

His mother had forced us to leave after we had all been there a day, she promised to call when Ezra woke up but said we needed to get some rest and get cleaned up. The Doctor had said he was incredibly lucky to have been brought in when he had with the amount of blood he was losing.

I blinked to bring myself back to where I was and realised I had just stepped off the last stair.

"Jordan?" I called.

I did not receive a response, I had not really expected to. Jordan had been quiet since he managed to stop his tears at the hospital yesterday.

The doctor assured us that Ezra's slumber was only because of medication, of course that didn't make anyone less anxious.

I walked into the living room and found Jordan on the floor. He hadn't eaten in the past couple days. Hell, he barely moved. He just alternated between his bed and this specific spot on our living room floor.

"J..." I drifted not really knowing what to say.

He was seated in the corner, his legs crossed beneath him as he stared blankly at the wall across him holding an action figure in his hands. I recognised it as the one Ezra had kept with him all the time, he loved that toy.

"Jordan –"

"I messed up." he whispered.

"No, you didn't. You –"

"If... if we... if we got there seconds later...." He said. I swallowed looking at the floor.

"Have you had breakfast?" I asked trying to distract him a little.

"I'm not hungry."

"You have to eat something; you can't see Ezra looking like this..." I said kneeling down in front of him and grabbing his shoulders.

"I shouldn't see him... I c – I can't even look at mom... How could I... he – he knows..." He said, "It's my fault." he whispered shakily. I began to shake my head but he shook his, "I was supposed to be watching him, Alex... I – I left him... I let him get hurt... He could've been killed – because of me." he choked out.

"It's not your fault, Jordan." I said. "It's not."

"Are you listening to me? I left him, Alex! I left him there!" he hissed.

"You couldn't have known that –"

"But I could have helped him!" He cut me off with a shout as he slammed his fist against the wall beside him. "I should have been there!" he yelled at me.

"Jordan, he's going to be okay." I said.

"No he isn't!" He sobbed. "It should have been me... He's seven..."

I moved closer to him. I felt the need to distract him until I could decide whether to tell him what really happened. I wanted to, but I didn't know how he would react, though I had a strong feeling he would be livid. The thought of having all of them hate me...

I was being so self-centred. Jordan was beating himself up for something he didn't do and Ezra was in hospital and all I could think about was myself. When did I become like this?

"Jordan. Listen to me."

"What?" he whispered.

"Remember in 4th grade when I thought it would be a good idea to join the rugby team to impress that girl?"

"You? Impress a girl?" He snorted.

"Shut up, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. I remember you getting the shit tackled out of you –" He gave a cough of laughter but it was covered by a sob, "And you broke your arm in practice and realised you didn't even like her, you liked her boyfriend. The idiot who broke your arm."

"He was hot." I said.

"He was dumbass." He argued.

"He was still hot."

"Hot? What were you looking at? Oh yeah, that was when your glasses had been broken." He said.

"Shut up."

I smiled seeing him laugh before it was choked off by sobs.

"Jor –"

"This is wrong. This is wrong."

"What? Jordan, everything's going to be okay."

"That's the problem." He whispered to me, "It won't be... because it can't be. I'm supposed to take care of him, of Oliver... I left him... He... He'll never trust me, I'll never either. How could I let this happen to him?"

"Alex?! Did you find him?" I looked at Jordan as footsteps sounded behind me. "What..." Sergio's voice drifted.

Jordan's blood shot eyes looked from me to the action figure in his hand.

"Jordan... It's not your fault... When he wakes up, he won't blame you. We have to be there for him, you have to be yourself." I said.

"Myself?" he snorted, "The person that let him get shot?" He muttered.

"I know you feel like it's you..." I chewed on the inside of my cheek nervously, "but it's not your fault, if – if anything... it's mine." He looked up confused, "It... it's my fault, Jordan. I was the one they were aiming at, okay?" his eyes narrowed but he was still obviously confused, "I... was in the car they were chasing." I muttered. He was silent as his shocked eyes studied my face, probably trying to see if I was lying. "I swear." If anyone deserved what he was feeling, it was me, not him. And I hated myself, but he shouldn't have to.

"You?" He asked. "Why?"

"I... I killed someone... When I refused to go to that party with you guys," He gave me a look that told me to be more specific, "The-the shootout close to our house... I thought he would kill me, somehow I got his gun... and – and I shot him. I... killed him and Sergio – his name's not Diego and he's not a taxi driver – and some guys threatened prison or death if I didn't sell for them, so that's what I've been doing in school, selling drugs. I should have left everything when they gave me that option, but I didn't..." I told the truth. I glanced away from his shocked eyes before I forced myself to look back into them, "Jordan... If - if anyone's to blame for what happened to Ezra, it's me." I looked down and wiped the tears from my face, "He got hurt because of me."

I saw Sergio move from the corner of my eye but I held my hand up.

"I can't believe this..." he whispered. "You... you should have told me." He said.

"How could I? I - I'm so sorry, Jordan... I never... I never thought anything would happen to him." I let out a sob as I looked down.

I froze when he hugged me. He wasn't mad?

I lifted my hands to his back slowly as he began crying onto my shoulder, it was weird because he was slightly taller than I was.

"I'm so sorry." I mumbled.

We pulled apart and he wiped his eyes.

"I love you, Alex." He gave a smile. "That sounds so weird." he grimaced. We chuckled as I agreed.

I looked at Sergio to find him smiling at us while he kept his eyes on me. I didn't return his smile as I gave Jordan another hug patting him on his back.

"It's not you. It's him." Jordan's eyes glared towards Sergio. Sergio wasn't fazed by the fire in Jordan's eyes, "What the fuck are you doing in our house?" He hissed.

"Uh... You have to shower before we go to the hospital." I said.

Jordan looked at me before his mouth gaped open. He glanced back at Shiloh before he looked at me. "You're actually with him?" he hissed.

"Uh... Well..."

"Jesus, Alexander. How the hell...?!"

I shrugged. I didn't even know how I ended up feeling the way I did about Sergio. Jordan looked down handing me the action figure.

"Don't forget this here." he looked at Sergio disgusted, "Only you could manage to find someone worse than James." He shook his head with a sigh, "Maybe we shouldn't have pushed the dating thing so much." he added to himself.

I looked down as he gave my shoulder a pat before he ran to get cleaned up.

"Worse than James, huh?" Sergio asked.

"It depends how you look at it..." I said.

"You should explain that to me sometime." He walked over to me and held his hands out. I took it and he helped me up before he pulled me into a tight hug. I relaxed in his hold closing my eyes and leaning against him.

We leaned back against the couch and I tried to get him to tell me what he would be doing today but he kept ignoring the questions and talking about something completely different, like how he wanted to get a dog.

"Alex, let's g – why is he still here?" Jordan looked at me. "There's a massive part of that story that you haven't told me yet, isn't there?" his eyes were on Sergio as he spoke.

"Kind of..." I said slowly, it sounded like a question. He shook his head as he sighed.

"Right, Alexander. I'll see you later." Sergio leaned over and kissed me quickly before he attempted to walk out but I caught his wrist.

He looked at me and chuckled.

"Stop worrying so much, I've been doing this forever." he mumbled giving me another kiss before he left.

Jordan frowned at the door before he looked back at me.

"How could you be with him?" he asked. "After everything he's done to you, how could you stand him?"

I shook my head "I... He's more than just a gang leader –"

"Yes, from what you've told me he's an asshole too."

"He can be, but –"

"Damn it, Alexander. This has always been your problem; you're really naïve when it comes to this type of stuff. THINK! We're so fucking lucky Ezra's alive, and he only met him once. You're near him every day, if – no, when one of those bullets hit you it won't be by mistake and it won't be anything less than fatal." He said. I opened my mouth but he went on. "No, listen to me. There is nothing that you could have left out of that story that would change what I think about this or him. Don't be stupid. You need to stay away from him."

"We should go." I said.

He stared at me for a few seconds before he let out a frustrated sigh before he walked out after grabbing his car keys. I followed him and locked our door before I grabbed the car keys from him, he didn't protest, and I climbed into the driver's seat. I was about to start the car when both our phones went off. We looked at each other before we smiled.

I pulled my phone from my pocket and grinned opening the message from his dad.

"He's up." Jordan looked at me grinning widely.

"Yeah."

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