I could still hear the chatter downstairs as darkness slowly overtook the cloud ridden sky. Seth had fallen asleep, he lay with one arm curled around me protectively like he usually did. A feeling I was getting extremely comfortable with. My eyes however, were almost pinned open. Unable to close and ease into the sleep I found in the safety of his arms. My mind was alight with thousands of anxious thoughts.

When had he started thinking like this? Where did it come from? I mean we were doing so well and had a really good patch when we got together? Was that a coincidence? Honeymoon stage? Maybe we rushed into it too soon? Should we have waited till college? Maybe we weren't meant to date at all? 

These frustrating thoughts wound round and round my head.

I mean we had been dating a week. A week that's it. And he already was done. I mean maybe it's just the overthinking and the depressing thoughts. I mean I understand that, a lot. But I hadn't thought that this would not last, a while at least. I thought he wanted to be forever.

Maybe now he's slept with me he wants to break up?

No he would have left a while ago. Well it's not like he can leave can he? Even if we broke up he couldn't disappear from my life, he would always be there. I'd see him around campus, see him playing at events. Family gatherings with the Nixons, hell we had every public holiday with that family. Dinner twice a week. He lives down the street, I'd see him running, surfing. There's not exactly leaving when everything keeps shoving you together.

Hours pass as my mind constantly whirrs. My stomach a twisted ball of anxiety. The voices downstairs, slowly begin to die down and I can only assume they've headed to bed. I hear footsteps padding upstairs, they sound like Bea's heading to her room to sleep.

A small sharp knock at Seth's door makes me jump slightly my heart rate pitching for a quick second.

"You guys awake?" Bea's voice whispers as she pushes open the door slowly.

"I am." I reply, sitting up, a small shaft of light from the hallway making my eyes cringe.

"Okay cool. Just checking in." Bea says before beginning to close the door again. The light slowly receding.

"Wait Bea." I say before immediately flinching at the vulnerability that clearly rings through my voice.

I hate being vulnerable. It makes me feel weak.

Though admitting vulnerability is considered a sign of strength. I still couldn't bring myself to think that way. Vulnerability, showing emotion, asking for help. All things I considered a sign of weakness. Something I hated to feel. Weak.

"Yeah?" She asks pushing the door back open again. Her silhouette black against the golden glow from the hallway light.

"Is your bed empty?" I ask her caution etched into my tone. Nibbling at my lip anxiously.

"Yeah the others are downstairs but I couldn't sleep so I came up to my bed." She explains. I nod and shuffle out of Seth's arms. Careful not to wake him.

"I'm coming to sleep in your bed if that's alright." I say stepping through Seth's doorframe. Casting his sleeping figure one last look before shutting the door.

"Of course." She says with a nod before her head whips to me. "Why what's up? Did you and Seth have a fight?" She says her face twisting into a mix of emotion in a half whisper as we walk to her room.

"I don't know. Not a fight exactly." I say as I climb into Bea's familiar covers. The soft silky folds wrapping around me. I feel like I hadn't slept in here in a long while.

"What's up?" "I'm going to pretend that it's not my brother for the sake of my sanity." Bea says jokingly giving me a teasing smirk, in a half attempt to lift my mood. I force a half smile at this as she climbs into the covers next to me, snuggling down next to me.

As I explain what happened and what was said I watch her expression, her eyebrows furrowing together in confusion. Like she couldn't understand it herself.

"He doesn't want to break up with you. I know that much. And I don't understand exactly what you two experience with depression and all but I know that that must have an impact on what he's saying and thinking." Bea says as I finish explaining it to her. I nod slowly as I struggle to keep in the tears that threaten to fall down my face.

"He loves you. So much. I hate to admit it but I've seen him snap his neck mid conversation when he heard you laughed, just to see what you were laughing at." Bea says wiping a tear that falls down my face.

"But why is he saying this stuff. What if it's because he realises how bad of a person I am? Or what a bitch I really am? Or how annoying I am?" I say as a body wracking sob releases from my body.

"No no no. That's your anxiety talking. Trust me he's overthinking as well. I know how much he loves you. Talk to him tomorrow. Talk it out. It'll all be fine." Bea says brushing a strand of hair out of my eyes.

"Okay." I say nodding, sniffling my runny nose.

"Now, go get back in bed. Before he wakes up and gets pissy at me for stealing you away." Bea says with a light laugh. I chuckle wiping away my tears.

"Okay." I say dropping a kiss on Bea's cheek before climbing over her. Leaving her to sleep peacefully.

Bea had really come around on this whole Seth and I thing. One month ago Bea would have laughed if you told her that future her had told me to go get back in bed with Seth. Wouldn't have believed it.

"I love you." I say before closing the door behind me as she replies. "I love you too."

I turn around letting my hand drop to my side from the door handle and almost jump as I bump into someone.

"Sorry. Just came to see where you were, make sure you were okay." Seth's sleepy voice says as I look up into his concerned face.

"That's okay. Sorry just needed to talk to Bea." I say, lowering my head in order to avoid his gaze in the hope he doesn't realise I've been crying.

"Have you been crying?" He asks tilting my chin softly to meet his eyes.

Well that was a bust.

"Yeah it's nothing." I say shrugging and moving past him towards his room.

"It's not nothing." He replies stepping into his room after me, closing the door behind me carefully. "Is this about earlier?" He asks me in a gentle tone, flicking on the lamp besides his bed to add some dim light to his room.

I look at him, unable to form an answer.

"It is." He says his head dropping slightly. The dim light caressed his sad face, making my heart ache in my chest.

"I didn't mean it. I hope you know that. I just sometimes get so lost in my head. You know the feeling." He starts explaining. I nod slowly.

"I know." I choke out. Squeezing my eyes shut in annoyance at my inability to stop being so emotional.

"Good. I know that this is going to be difficult. Me and you." He says sighing to himself. Closing his eyes, the look on his face looking as if he's begging himself to have strength.

"It's going to be hard. But I want you. I want to be able to come back to you whenever I've had a rough day, I want to be there when you need me, when you've had a rough day. I want to be the cause of your smiles, your laughters. The real ones not the fake forced ones. Most of all I want my best friend by my side." He says his eyes resting on mine, passion surging between us.

"I want that too. I want us." I say nodding. I start forwards, jumping up as Seth catches my legs as they wrap around his waist. Our lips colliding with a surge of meaning and passion.

***

As we lie tangled up in the covers, underwear thrown back on hastily, unable to wait to be tangled up in each other's arms. His hand trace little stars on my lower thigh while his other hand is tangled through my hair softly. My hand traces along his collar bone, doing little loops against his warm skin. My head resting in the crook of his neck. Breathing in the smell of safety.

"I love you." Seth says pressing a kiss to the top of my head.

"I love you too." I respond pressing my lips to his neck softly before letting out a soft sigh of contentment.

This.

Being with Seth makes me realise so much, everyday. He makes me want to be a better person. The love I had for him was teaching me how to look for the good things in a world of darkness. The small things we did that made me appreciate being with him, made me appreciate being alive. And I'm not there yet. But slowly I'm beginning to see a future. One that isn't dark and gloomy. One with a little bit of light. And that light is my own. Because after all.. it's the light you give that makes life worth living. Being that light to someone else until they're able to find their own light. That's what matters. And with that.. happiness will come.

I'm not anywhere near that yet. But the first step to recovery is realisation. Realisation that maybe I can do this. And maybe I just needed that little bit of light.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

SO. THAT'S THE BOOK. IT'S REALLY MESSY AT THE MOMENT SO I WILL BE EDITING OVER THE NEXT LITTLE WHILE. HOPE IT WAS OKAY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND ESPECIALLY THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO COMMENTED SOME OF THEM HAD ME ACTUALLY CACKLING BECAUSE YA'LL ARE FUNNY.