"Lace." He says suddenly making me stop in the doorway.

"Yeah?" I ask turning around. He raises his eyebrows at me expectingly.

I return the look with a confused one of my own.

"Stay?" He asks, dropping his gaze down to the ground, shuffling some strewn about clothes into a small pile with one foot. As a diversion to having to meet my eyes.

That's a little bit sweet.

"I mean since you asked so nicely." I say with relieved smile a roll of my eyes, turning and plopping myself back onto his bed.

"Yeah." He says with a halfhearted chuckle.

"Are you sure your alright?" I ask him putting a hand on his arm softly, tugging him down so he is perching on the bed besides me.

"Mhmm." He says attempting a convincing smile, chucking the pile of clothes into the washing basket.

"Really? Because you left my house kind of off. Then you didn't reply to me. And I don't mean to be clingy or anything I just came to check on you but you weren't here and your snap location was off." I start rambling.  "I'm not saying you can't go where you like you obviously can I'm not trying to control you your a free person. I just wanted to make sure we're okay?" I ask him anxiously. My words tumbling out of my mouth.

"Baby. We're always okay. I'm just in a shitty mood. I went to the gym to try feel better sorry for worrying you. I'm fine. We're fine" He says with an easy shrug. Avoiding my gaze.

"Anything I can do to help?" I ask him, taking his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Exist." Seth replies kissing my nose placing a hand on my thigh reassuringly. I half smile.

"Seth mate." Luke's voice suddenly intrudes before he burst around the door. "Oh hi Lacey." He says to me.

I hadn't heard any sign of life in the house since Seth's arrival but maybe I'd been.. preoccupied.

"Heya Luke." I say with a half pleasant smile.

"Bea's having some people around. I just came to hangout and invite you downstairs to join?" Luke offers looking between us.

"Uh yeah I guess I should." Seth says sitting up, his hands unfolding from around my waist. Running a hand through his hair before rubbing his eyes in a stressed, maybe pissed off manner.

"You look tired." Luke points out obliviously. I wince at his comment. Knowing it was.. not helpful for Seth it would be. But when you don't know. You don't know.

"Yeah." Seth says with a strained smile his eyes flicking to mine. I nod with understanding. "I'll be down in a sec. I just want some more time with my girl before I have to go downstairs." Seth says standing and pulling a pair of socks from the the top drawer of his dresser.

"Alright. See you. Don't be long." Luke calls out as he closes the door behind him. But not before winking at us suggestively. To which Seth and I shook our heads at him.

As the door clicks I sit up onto my knees on the edge of the bed. Seth stands in front of me, taking my weight from falling forwards.

"Are you going to be okay?" I ask him, brushing my thumb along his cheekbone.

"Yeah. I'll be fine." He says with a nod. My lips tug into a small smile.

"You should call me your girl more often." I say with a shy chuckle.

"Your such a loser." He says half smiling and pressing his lips to mine. I tug him closer to me, losing myself in the kiss.

"Let's go downstairs before I get too carried away." He says letting out a heavy breath.

"That sounds like a good plan." I say with a nod. Climbing off the bed. Opening the door and making my way downstairs, Seth following behind me.

"Here they are." Callie says in a bubbly manner, looking up from her phone.

"Hey." I say hugging her and kissing her cheek, before slinging a casual arm around Bea's shoulder, as she shakes a bag of salt and vinegar crisps into a bowl.

"Hey beautiful." She says kissing my cheek before returning to the chips.

"Hey." I say pulling away and waving to Carla, Cory and Oscar who are all lounging on the couches. Controllers already in hand as they play some game.

"Where's Dallas?" I ask Callie after surveying the room for him.

"You know that guy that he was talking to at the clubs?" Callie asks me with a sly grin.

"Yes.." I say waiting in suspense.

"Apparently... he's in town this weekend. And let Dallas know so as of twenty minutes ago they're on a date." Callie says jumping up and down unable to contain her excitement.

"Oh my god. Get it Dallas." I say with an excited chuckle.

"I know right." Bea says grinning as she plops some chips into her mouth, offering the bowl out to Callie and I. I grab a handful and place one in my mouth with a satisfied crunch.

"Hey is Seth alright?" Callie whispers to me quietly as we start heading towards the couches. I look over at where she is looking and see Seth looking still very not happy.

"I don't know." I say truthfully.

"Are you two okay?" Callie asks me her eyes widening with worry.

"Yeah we're good." I say with a nod. "I'll be back." I say to her. Making my way over to where Seth is leaning against the edge of the door frame watching the television screen halfheartedly. I move to stand in between his legs, gently lifting his chin to look into his eyes which almost droop with sadness. His eyes shift around, in an attempt to distract me from the unhappiness that they hold. It's almost like he's afraid I'm looking right through him.

"Don't look at me like that." He says looking away finally.

"Like what?" I ask him, my eyebrows drawing together in confusion.

"Like your pitying me." He says pulling in a deep sigh, his mouth moving in a manner to which it seems like he's rejecting the very idea of what he's saying.

"Seth. I'm not pitying you. I'm worried about you." I say brushing my thumb along his cheekbone caressingly.

"Don't be." He says with a small shrug.

"I am. What do you need right now?" I ask him in a soft tone.

"I don't know." He says shrugging and avoiding my gaze.

"When did you reschedule a time with Astrid?" I ask him gently.

"Tomorrow at six." He answers blatantly.

"Okay. Do you want to go for a surf or something?" I offer taking his hands in my own and squeezing them softly.

Seth nods slowly and skeptically.

"We can go check it out? Get out of here if you want?" I offer. Seth glances past me around the room which is full of noise that has allotted to white noise in my ears.

"Yeah." Seth says nodding.

"Okay." I say with a nod, dropping his hands and starting towards the garage. I can here Seth's footsteps behind me so I know he's following.

"There goes the lovers. Sneaking away for some alone time." Bea says her tone snarky and judgemental. I pull my lips into an annoyed line.

"Bea fuck off." Seth snaps as I pull open the door to the garage. I turn, keeping an eye on the situation so it doesn't blow up. Seth is standing there, turning back towards me. His face clearly portraying annoyance at Bea's tone. "Actually Lace. I'm just going to go to bed." Seth says grabbing my hand apologetically. I nod

"I'm coming. Sorry." I say unapologetically. He nods and takes my hand, pulling me up the stairs with him. He closes the door behind me and lets out a deep sigh. He falls against the door in a controlled manner.

"I hate this." He says simply. His eyes not on me, but instead at the ceiling.

"I know baby." I coo softly. He closes his eyes.

"Maybe we shouldn't be together." He chokes out, wincing at the statement.

My heart. Drops.

He said we were fine not long ago? What did I do to change his mind? Oh god I am clingy and annoying. Maybe he just wanted some space but your refusing to let him go incase he does something irreversible? I mean would he? Maybe. But what if he wouldn't and your just assuming the worst of him?

"I mean I'm clearly a mess. Lace you haven't seen the half of it and I don't want you to have to see it. I mean I knew this was going to be a bad idea. Fuck why. Why does this shit constantly happen to me. I don't want you to be burdened by me." He rambles on, anger and frustration clear in his tone, while tears lapse down his face.

"Seth. You don't know what your saying." I say shaking my head, my voice cracking. I star forwards and rest a hand on his face gently. He flinches at my touch. Making me draw my hand back immediately.

"I do. And that's the problem Lace. This isn't going to go away. Ever. I'm constantly going to be stuck in this endless cycle and I don't want you to have to witness it. On top of you dealing with your own things. I mean look how bad I am for you. I already worried you sick just by going to the gym. I don't want to ever make you feel like shit. But I don't know how I can do that because everything I do will end up hurting you. And I don't want to hurt you." Seth continues, tears falling down his face in frustration.

"Seth please stop saying that stuff." I say shaking my head, tears streaming down my face. My heart screaming inside me.

"I'm not good for you Lace. We shouldn't do this. It was a bad idea." Seth says shaking his head.

"No." I say shaking my head.

"Lace-" Seth starts again, looking at me with those eyes.

"Seth. Shut up. Stop talking. You don't mean this stuff. I know exactly what's going on. Your mind is a mess right now I understand. But we're not over. I'm staying over until you feel better. And if you still feel like this in a week. Fine. But I know exactly what's going on in your mind. I've been there too." I say starting forwards and staring into Seth's eyes. Seth shakes his head, attempting to hold in tears.

"I don't deserve you." He says wincing.

"You do." I say to him in a strong tone. One which does not match what I'm feeling inside.

You deserve more than me Seth.

"I'm sorry." Seth says pulling in a ragged breath.

"It's okay. It's okay." I say in hushed tones. Pulling Seth into a hug. He buries his face into my neck and I rock gently.

"You can't let me hurt you Lacey." Seth says as he pulls back.

"I won't." I say with a small nod.

"You can't." He says again, holding my face softly in his hands.

"I won't. You won't hurt me. I promise." I say kissing his nose gently. He nods looking into my eyes. Searching them as if he was searching for any lies.

"I should probably go to sleep." He says finally.

"It's quite early." I say gently. He shrugs pulling away from me.

"I can't be awake right now." He says, avoiding my gaze.

"Okay." I say pulling back the covers off his bed. He get's in and I climb on-top of the covers on the other-side. I brush back his hair gently as he closes his eyes and snuggles towards me, attempting to pull his arms around me. I chuckle and crawl under the covers so he can. I continue brushing my fingertips along his hairline and behind his ear.

As I watch him slowly fall easily asleep I wonder.

What does he mean half of it. I've known him forever. What have I missed?

I could still hear the chatter downstairs as darkness slowly overtook the cloud ridden sky. Seth had fallen asleep, he lay with one arm curled around me protectively like he usually did. A feeling I was getting extremely comfortable with. My eyes however, were almost pinned open. Unable to close and ease into the sleep I found in the safety of his arms. My mind was alight with thousands of anxious thoughts.

When had he started thinking like this? Where did it come from? I mean we were doing so well and had a really good patch when we got together? Was that a coincidence? Honeymoon stage? Maybe we rushed into it too soon? Should we have waited till college? Maybe we weren't meant to date at all?

These frustrating thoughts wound round and round my head.

I mean we had been dating a week. A week that's it. And he already was done. I mean maybe it's just the overthinking and the depressing thoughts. I mean I understand that, a lot. But I hadn't thought that this would not last, a while at least. I thought he wanted to be forever.

Maybe now he's slept with me he wants to break up?

No he would have left a while ago. Well it's not like he can leave can he? Even if we broke up he couldn't disappear from my life, he would always be there. I'd see him around campus, see him playing at events. Family gatherings with the Nixons, hell we had every public holiday with that family. Dinner twice a week. He lives down the street, I'd see him running, surfing. There's not exactly leaving when everything keeps shoving you together.

Hours pass as my mind constantly whirrs. My stomach a twisted ball of anxiety. The voices downstairs, slowly begin to die down and I can only assume they've headed to bed. I hear footsteps padding upstairs, they sound like Bea's heading to her room to sleep.

A small sharp knock at Seth's door makes me jump slightly my heart rate pitching for a quick second.

"You guys awake?" Bea's voice whispers as she pushes open the door slowly.

"I am." I reply, sitting up, a small shaft of light from the hallway making my eyes cringe.

"Okay cool. Just checking in." Bea says before beginning to close the door again. The light slowly receding.

"Wait Bea." I say before immediately flinching at the vulnerability that clearly rings through my voice.

I hate being vulnerable. It makes me feel weak.

Though admitting vulnerability is considered a sign of strength. I still couldn't bring myself to think that way. Vulnerability, showing emotion, asking for help. All things I considered a sign of weakness. Something I hated to feel. Weak.

"Yeah?" She asks pushing the door back open again. Her silhouette black against the golden glow from the hallway light.

"Is your bed empty?" I ask her caution etched into my tone. Nibbling at my lip anxiously.

"Yeah the others are downstairs but I couldn't sleep so I came up to my bed." She explains. I nod and shuffle out of Seth's arms. Careful not to wake him.

"I'm coming to sleep in your bed if that's alright." I say stepping through Seth's doorframe. Casting his sleeping figure one last look before shutting the door.

"Of course." She says with a nod before her head whips to me. "Why what's up? Did you and Seth have a fight?" She says her face twisting into a mix of emotion in a half whisper as we walk to her room.

"I don't know. Not a fight exactly." I say as I climb into Bea's familiar covers. The soft silky folds wrapping around me. I feel like I hadn't slept in here in a long while.

"What's up?" "I'm going to pretend that it's not my brother for the sake of my sanity." Bea says jokingly giving me a teasing smirk, in a half attempt to lift my mood. I force a half smile at this as she climbs into the covers next to me, snuggling down next to me.

As I explain what happened and what was said I watch her expression, her eyebrows furrowing together in confusion. Like she couldn't understand it herself.

"He doesn't want to break up with you. I know that much. And I don't understand exactly what you two experience with depression and all but I know that that must have an impact on what he's saying and thinking." Bea says as I finish explaining it to her. I nod slowly as I struggle to keep in the tears that threaten to fall down my face.

"He loves you. So much. I hate to admit it but I've seen him snap his neck mid conversation when he heard you laughed, just to see what you were laughing at." Bea says wiping a tear that falls down my face.

"But why is he saying this stuff. What if it's because he realises how bad of a person I am? Or what a bitch I really am? Or how annoying I am?" I say as a body wracking sob releases from my body.

"No no no. That's your anxiety talking. Trust me he's overthinking as well. I know how much he loves you. Talk to him tomorrow. Talk it out. It'll all be fine." Bea says brushing a strand of hair out of my eyes.

"Okay." I say nodding, sniffling my runny nose.

"Now, go get back in bed. Before he wakes up and gets pissed at me for stealing you away." Bea says with a light laugh. I chuckle wiping away my tears.

"Okay." I say dropping a kiss on Bea's cheek before climbing over her. Leaving her to sleep peacefully.

Bea had really come around on this whole Seth and I thing. One month ago Bea would have laughed if you told her that future her had told me to go get back in bed with Seth. Wouldn't have believed it.

"I love you." I say before closing the door behind me as she replies. "I love you too."

I turn around letting my hand drop to my side from the door handle and almost jump as I bump into someone.

"Sorry. Just came to see where you were, make sure you were okay." Seth's sleepy voice says as I look up into his concerned face.

"That's okay. Sorry just needed to talk to Bea." I say, lowering my head in order to avoid his gaze in the hope he doesn't realise I've been crying.

"Have you been crying?" He asks tilting my chin softly to meet his eyes.

Well that was a bust.

"Yeah it's nothing." I say shrugging and moving past him towards his room.

"It's not nothing." He replies stepping into his room after me, closing the door behind me carefully. "Is this about earlier?" He asks me in a gentle tone, flicking on the lamp besides his bed to add some dim light to his room.

I look at him, unable to form an answer.

"It is." He says his head dropping slightly. The dim light caressed his sad face, making my heart ache in my chest.

"I didn't mean it. I hope you know that. I just sometimes get so lost in my head. You know the feeling." He starts explaining. I nod slowly.

"I know." I choke out. Squeezing my eyes shut in annoyance at my inability to stop being so emotional.

"Good. I know that this is going to be difficult. Me and you." He says sighing to himself. Closing his eyes, the look on his face looking as if he's begging himself to have strength. "It's going to be hard. But I want you. I want to be able to come back to you whenever I've had a rough day, I want to be there when you need me, when you've had a rough day. I want to be the cause of your smiles, your laughters. The real ones not the fake forced ones. Most of all I want my best friend by my side." He says his eyes resting on mine, passion surging between us.

"I want that too. I want us." I say nodding. I start forwards, jumping up as Seth catches my legs as they wrap around his waist. Our lips colliding with a surge of meaning and passion.

***

As we lie tangled up in the covers, underwear thrown back on hastily, unable to wait to be tangled up in each other's arms. His hand trace little stars on my lower thigh while his other hand is tangled through my hair softly. My hand traces along his collar bone, doing little loops against his warm skin. My head resting in the crook of his neck. Breathing in the smell of safety.

"I love you." Seth says pressing a kiss to the top of my head.

"I love you too." I respond pressing my lips to his neck softly before letting out a soft sigh of contentment.

This.

Being with Seth makes me realise so much, everyday. He makes me want to be a better person. The love I had for him was teaching me how to look for the good things in a world of darkness. The small things we did that made me appreciate being with him, made me appreciate being alive. And I'm not there yet. But slowly I'm beginning to see a future. One that isn't dark and gloomy. One with a little bit of light. And that light is my own. Because after all.. it's the light you give that makes life worth living. Being that light