We end up stopping at a newspaper stand a few blocks away. Jesse drifts over to a display of comic books, unimpressed by the range of options. "All they ever sell is Marvel," he complains, our fight about Sabrina already forgotten. (He has a short attention span and gets distracted easily. I rely on this a lot.) "How am I supposed to keep up with Batman? Or the X-Men? They only have the Avengers."
"We can go somewhere else if it bothers you so much. I'll call a cab."
"No, it's fine— look, here's some D.C." Jesse picks up a comic and shows it to me. Superman's chiseled face glares at me from the cover. "Now, this is some quality stuff. Superman— he's the original hero. He's the best."
"Superman's lame," I reply, shuffling through the pages of an Archie volume. "You can defeat him with a green rock."
Jesse sets the comic down and flashes me a scandalized look. "Not just any rock. Kryptonite."
"What's the difference? It's still a rock."
He snorts in disbelief. "You make it sound like he's the only superhero with a weakness. Have you ever read Green Lantern? Wonder Woman? Wolverine?"
"Okay, okay, I get it. Every superhero has a weakness."
"Everyone has a weakness," Jesse corrects me. He stares at me knowingly. Or at least tries too; he makes it a full three seconds before breaking out in a grin.
I shove the Archie comic back onto the display and glare at him. "It's annoying when you try to act deep, you know."
"I'm just saying."
"Well, you can stop saying."
Jesse walks over and punches me lightly in the shoulder. "I know what your Kryptonite is, Ronan. It's your mother."
I punch him back. But not as lightly. "Shut up. You know it's not."
"If it isn't, then why did you crash Simon's car?" I glare at him even harder, but Jesse doesn't relent. "What did he even say about Sabrina, anyways? Nothing could have been bad enough that you would risk going to jail to protect her."
"For your information, it was bad enough. And it's not like just Sabrina would get in trouble for it. My dad would go down too, and so would his friends, and maybe even my Aunt Helen, since she knew about A—" I stop myself and shake my head. "It was just bad, okay? And Sabrina is not my Kryptonite."
Jesse just shrugs. "If she isn't your Kryptonite, then what is?"
"Maybe I don't have a Kryptonite. Maybe I'm invincible."
"Right now, you're about as invincible as Gwen Stacy in the Spider-Man comics."
"Considering that Sabrina looked like she wanted to snap my neck today, you're not that far from the truth."
Jesse goes and picks up the Superman comic again, then carries it over to the stand. He waves frantically to catch the attention of the cashier, who's busy bobbing his head to a tune on his Walkman.
"Jesse, you don't have to do that," I protest. Jesse doesn't come from a poor family, but he certainly isn't rich, either. "If this is because I paid for your ice-cream—"
"Just think of it as a parting gift." Jesse asks the cashier for a pen and scribbles something down on the last page of the comic— a phone number. His phone number. "This is so you can call me from whatever cell they lock you up in." He presents the comic to me like he's handing over a laurel wreath. "And you better call. Or I really will judo flip you."
Grudgingly, I accept the comic. "I already have your phone number memorized."
"Think of it more as a reminder to call, then. I know you tend to get lost in that head of yours."
Even though I hate it when Jesse throws cash around, I feel oddly touched. "Thanks, Jesse. Really."
"No need for that. Like I said, it's my gift."
"Of course. I'll treasure it forever."
"Quit ruining the moment. I bought that comic out of the goodness of my heart— don't be a wise-ass about it."
"What else am I supposed to be?"
"You could try being yourself, for a change. You know that 'Ronan' and 'wise-ass' don't always have to mean the same thing."
"News to me. I grew up thinking wise-ass was my legal first name. Sabrina calls me that enough that it's easy to get confused—"
"Oh, you talk too much." Jesse swings his arm around my shoulder and turns his face up to the starry sky, a half-exasperated, half-amused expression spreading across his face. "Look. I know a lot of things, but I certainly don't know that you're required to be a Lockwood all the time. Sometimes it's okay to just be Ronan."
"Geez, what's with the pep talk, Rocky?"
His arm drops off my shoulder, and he turns away, expression fully exasperated now. "Whatever, man. I tried."
I start humming Eye of the Tiger. He rolls his eyes at me.
"You're not as much of an enigma as you think you are," Jesse tells me. "I do know you, Ronan."
But it's clear that after all this time he still doesn't know the one thing that really matters. And why would he? New Year's Eve was almost six months ago— practically a millennium away for a pair of high-schoolers. And even if time hadn't erased those memories, all that peach-flavored vodka would've done it for him.
It's probably for the best that he doesn't know what happened that night. I'm fine with keeping it a secret. I was born into a family of liars; dishonesty is in my genes.
Besides, it's not really lying if you're just doing it to protect them from the truth.
***
An hour or two later, we walk to Jesse's house, a skinny brownstone wedged between a dozen other buildings, all identical except for color. (Jesse's family isn't as wealthy as mine. Which is perfectly fine with me. Not so much with Sabrina, though. Sabrina says that Jesse's common. She practically had a stroke when I became friends with him.)
When we say goodbye, it sounds way too final, like this is the last late night we'll ever go to Dairy Queen or browse comic books or even just walk around the city together. I just can't believe that this could be true, even though all of the odds stacked against us.
"I'll see you tomorrow," I say to him as he climbs the stairs to the front door. "We can catch a Mets game—"
"Fuck off, you know I'm a Yankee's fan, we've been through this a million times—"
"I know you're a Yankee's fan, I just don't approve of your choice in teams, and I like making your life hard. But if that's what you want to do, then we'll go to a Yankee's game. I don't care. We could even go see that new Rambo movie. I've heard it's bloody as hell."
Jesse shakes his head. "Ronan," he says, almost gently, "We both know that's not going to happen."
"Says who?"
"Says the Cadillac you wrapped around a telephone pole."
"Last time I checked, cars don't talk."
Jesse gives me a quick smile. A knowing smile. Like he can already see what's going to happen to me; and that whatever that is, it won't be a scenario where we're buying tickets for a baseball game tomorrow. "Goodnight, Ronan." His goodnight sounds a lot more like goodbye. "Don't forget the comic book."
I wait, out of habit, as he slips silently up the steps, one hand dragging behind on the rusted railing. But as he reaches for the front door he pauses. "Ronan," Jesse says, without looking back, "Wherever they send you— give them hell from me, okay?"
I let a slim smile creep across my face, knowing that he won't be able to see it. Jesse always teases me about my smiles. He thinks that I have dimples. (I do not.) "They won't even know what hit them," I reply back.
Then the front door clicks shut, and he's gone.
I wait for a few more moments on the sidewalk, just thinking about things, before I start to head back. It's a brief walk from Jesse's house to my apartment, and I'm home again in less than twenty minutes. As I spin through the revolving doors, I'm so caught up in thinking about my possible last night with my friend that I almost don't realize the lobby isn't empty anymore.
Sabrina is sitting on one of the leather futons, her left leg folded crisply over the other. "So the prodigal son returns," she says.
Fred lets out a loud snore. My heart falls straight to my feet.
Sabrina rises to her feet, the heel of her stiletto clicking smartly against the marble floor. The sight of her standing in the lobby at two in the morning is jarring enough that I feel my jaw swing open, and hear the word "Mom" slip out of my mouth. I haven't called Sabrina anything except for Sabrina in years, so the sound of it startles me nearly as much as her appearance itself. "What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same thing," she says. "Where were you?"
All of my excuses dry up in my throat, like rain in the desert. "I was out," I rasp. "With Jesse."
"Why?"
"I don't know. We just wanted to talk."
"You don't know," Sabrina repeats, her words thick with incredulity. "You don't know why you left the apartment in the middle of the night, deliberately disobeying my orders, deliberately disobeying the police, deliberately putting your own future at risk? I'm sorry, Ronan, but that just doesn't make sense to me. You must have known why, otherwise you wouldn't have left."
"I told you. We wanted to talk."
"There are telephones in the apartment. You could have called him."
"You said I couldn't—" I stop speaking, too frustrated to continue. I wonder if Sabrina even remembers removing the phone from my room and forbidding me from using any of the others just hours ago. "Nevermind. It doesn't matter."
"I don't understand," Sabrina says. "Help me understand."
"There's nothing to understand. All I wanted to do was talk to my friend. I tried not to wake you up—"
"You've been sneaking out for years, Ronan. I was going to find out eventually." Her dark eyes narrow slightly, the only outward sign of her displeasure. People regularly confuse Sabrina's eyes as brown, like mine, but her eyes are really this crazy dark shade of navy blue that's sort of stunning from far away. They look like the color of the ocean at night. "You really aren't half as clever as you think you are. What's that in your pocket?"
I glance down. The comic book is sticking out of my jeans. "Nothing," I say hastily, in case she's thinking of taking it away. "Just something that my friend gave me."
"Why was Jesse Brooks buying you comic books at midnight?" demands Sabrina, her upper lip curling slightly on the words comic book. She hates graphic novels almost as much as she hates other teenage obsessions, like rock music and premarital sex. "Do his parents know that you were with him?"
"Why don't you ask him yourself?" I retort. I generally try to avoid sassing Sabrina (to her, back-talk is right up there with the Seven Deadly Sins) but I'm getting really fed up with her insistent questions. I almost wish she would just ground me for a month so we can get this whole fight over with.
"Ronan," Sabrina says admonishingly. "Don't be so churlish." (If you hadn't noticed already, Sabrina likes to speak like she ate an SAT test for breakfast. Sometimes I wonder if she reads the dictionary in her spare time just to discover new words to insult people with.) "Let's try and have a civil conversation."
"Okay. Can you please tell me why you're grilling me in the hotel lobby like some kind of FBI agent?"
"Ronan—"
"Sorry, was that not civil enough for you? I included a 'please' and everything."
"Ronan."
Sparks fly from Sabrina's black eyes, and I see that she's done messing around. Wisely, I shut up.
"I am still here, speaking with you, because there is something I need to tell you," Sabrina says sternly. "While you were gone, I came to the decision that I am no longer going to tolerate your blatant irresponsibility. If you won't fix your poor behavior, then I have to send you somewhere that will."
A flurry of options flashes before me. Boarding school in the UK. Boot camp at West Point. Death row. "What?" To my credit, my voice only sounds marginally strangled. "Where the hell are you sending me?"
"Summer camp," she says.
I freeze for a moment in disbelief. This is new. Sabrina never mentioned summer camp when she was screaming at me about how I'd ruined everything she worked so hard to achieve. "Summer camp? But I'm sixteen."
"It's a sleepaway camp," she elaborates. "I have a pamphlet. You can look at it later."
Shit. If Sabrina already has a pamphlet for this place, that means she's been considering sending me to it for more than just a couple of hours. Maybe the Cadillac was only the straw that broke the camel's back.
I dare to ask, "How long is the camp?"
"Three months. It's all summer— that's why it's called a summer camp."
"No," I say, instantly realizing what a sleep-away summer camp would entail— not being in New York for the summer, not being able to hang out with my friends, not being able to see Jesse... and if I'm not spending my summer with Jesse, then my life might as well be pointless. "That's bullshit!"
Sabrina smiles thinly as if agreeing that yes, this is bullshit, but on my part, not hers. "I wish I didn't have to do this, Ronan. But you have given me no choice."
"How long do I have in New York?"
"Two days."
My mouth falls open. "And when, exactly, were you planning on telling me this?"
"Tomorrow. But since we were both already awake, I decided I might as well break the news to you now."
My eye gives a slight twitch. It's sort of like an allergic reaction to my mother. "Does this summer camp have a name?" I ask when I'm feeling calm enough to speak. "Or is that a secret, too?"
"The name is Lightlake. Feel free to look it up. It's gotten good reviews."
"From who— the parents, or the kids?"
"I suppose you'll find out. I've already made arrangements with the director. They're expecting you."
"Great. I can't fucking wait."
"Ronan, please. Crude language doesn't become you."
"Shit, I'm sorry."
Sabrina closes her eyes and sigh. I brace myself, waiting for the spiel— the one that I've already heard so many times today; how I'm a disappointment to the family name, how I'll never be the heir to her company... but it doesn't come. Instead, all Sabrina does is let her eyes flutter open again. She stares at me in silence.
"This isn't fair," I tell her, to fill the unbearable void. "It isn't."
"It is very fair. What you did today was inexcusable. You should feel lucky that you're only going to summer camp."
"Everything I did today was for you. Is that not a good enough excuse?"
"We've already discussed this," Sabrina says tightly. "You stole Simon's car unprovoked. You crashed it, also unprovoked. Whatever sacrifice you thought you were making for me—"
"Thought?"
"— was for nothing," Sabrina finishes.
Her words hit me in the chest, but I'm hollow inside, so they just fly straight through my ribs and out the other side. For nothing. What a stupid thing to say. Nothing is ever for nothing. There's always a reason; always a motivator.
I stare at my mother as if I've never seen her before. She's not wearing pajamas (if the imported silk she usually wears to bed can be counted as pajamas), but a white blouse and dark slacks, the type of outfit she would wear to work at her company. Her hair is as straight as the edge of a knife and her makeup is equally sharp. She didn't sleep tonight. She probably just waited in bed until I left, performed a few blood sacrifices, and then walked down to the lobby to meet me.
"Don't make me say her name. Please."
Her face stiffens. "That's enough, Ronan. No more story-telling."
My mother may be a master of deception, but I'm even better at sniffing out lies. It's almost insulting that she's acting like I won't catch her lying now. "I know what you're doing," I tell her. "You're sending me away so I can't tell people the truth. I know how you really got the money, and now you're making sure that I can't expose you like Simon almost did. That's the real reason you're sending me to this summer camp."
"That's not true. I don't know where you're coming up with these wild ideas, but they're just that— ideas. Part of the Lightlake manifesto is "acceptance is healing". You need to accept your lies, so you can finally heal, and accept reality for what it is. I already told you once— whatever information you thought Simon had on me is meaningless. Deep down, Ronan, I think you already know that you didn't steal that car for me. You did it for yourself."
Her words pile on top of me like boulders in an avalanche, and suddenly, I can't take it anymore. The idea of summer camp, the constant deception, the fucking SAT insults— I just can't take it. I've never blown up at Sabrina before, but now I go off like an H-bomb.
"Alice!" I yell, my vision going red. "He said, Alice! Jesus Christ, Sabrina. Do you think I'm missing a pair of ears? I know what I heard. 'You need to accept your lies'. That's bullshit. You need to accept your lies. You're the one that needs healing, not me!"
Sabrina's lips press into a thin, straight line. Her eyes are so dark they look like twin black holes. "This is your last night in my apartment for the rest of the summer. Now go to your room before I change my mind and make it for the rest of your life."
Her words are a threat, but I'm too furious to budge. "How can you lie like this? I heard every word Simon said. And I remember enough of what happened to understand that it was all true."
"You were nine," she says scathingly. "How could you remember anything from back then?"
"I remember," I respond, "because it's kind of hard to forget how your own mother robbed a dead woman of everything she owned."
Sabrina's face darkens, and that's when I realize I've crossed a line. A line that was drawn seven years ago, and that I've been tiptoeing around ever since. And that some lines are not meant to be crossed.
The resounding crack that follows Sabrina's slap is loud enough that Fred jerks himself away and jumps to his feet, blinking at us in open bewilderment from behind his desk. He doesn't say anything, just watches, gaping, as I slowly raise a hand to touch my face.
"I'm sorry," I hear myself say, although I'm not really sure what I'm apologizing for.
"Be quiet," Sabrina hisses. Her voice is so commanding that my own words stagger to a halt on their own accord. "This is a private conversation and I would like to keep it that way."
I glance over at Fred. He stares at me in confusion, as if finally realizing that he's stumbled into the middle of an active battlefield. I don't know if he saw the slap, or if he woke up just after, but I know he won't say anything about it. Lobbyists are used to ignoring shit like this. (Correction: they get paid for ignoring shit like this.)
"Sir—" begins Fred, upset. Then Sabrina redirects her gaze towards the lobbyists and switches from power level stun to obliterate, and Fred gives me one last pitying looking before hurrying towards the elevator as fast as his old legs can carry him.
As soon as he's gone, I turn back to Sabrina. Her face is as expressionless as a wax figure, her eyes like round pebbles in her forehead. She's never slapped me before. I wonder if she regrets doing so, or if she could really care less. Knowing her, it's probably the latter.
"Tomorrow, you will pack your bags for summer camp," Sabrina says, her words steady and monotone. "You will
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