Chapter 9: Circling Around Feelings 

After walking into the house, I did what any normal pissed off person would do; stay away from the person who’s making your blood boil. I ran up the stairs to my room and slammed the door like some teenaged girl who’d just had a fight with her parents. I was trying to make it loud a clear to Chance I wasn’t in the mood to talk to him any more today. So here I was, locked in my room in my own house trying to stay away from someone I didn’t want around. I knew if I called the cops on him to make him leave, it was only going to hurt Ayanna.  That was one thing I didn’t want to do.

I lay down on my bed and looked up and the ceiling fan as it went around in slow circles. I started imagining my fights with Chance as that circle. How every time we fight we end up saying the same thing over and over again. It was just repeated bullshit. I knew what kind of person he had been before.  I was scared to find out if he was still that same person, or if he’d changed like everyone else said he had. I wasn’t seeing it though; all I saw differently is how dominating he had become over me. I didn’t get why he was so dead set on not letting me go. I mean, I know most girls would be flattered that a guy like Chance would want her.  I’ve known him my whole life, though, and something  just didn’t sound right about all this.

“Milly, open the door. We’re not done talking.” Chance spoke, breaking through into my thoughts. I guess he didn’t get the picture when I ran away from him. “Milly, if you don’t open this door I will kick it open.” I didn’t know what to say to that. Something inside me told me to get up and open the door and face him, but then the other side was telling that he wouldn’t do it. “Milly, open this god damn door! I’m done with you running away from me.”

Then, the next thing I knew, I heard him kicking at the door handle. I sat up in horror; what the hell was he doing? Before I could move off the bed though, the door flew off the hinges and slammed against the door frame. “Chance, what the hell?” I yelled as I saw him walking into my bedroom like he owned the place, “You’re going to pay for that.”

“No I’m taking that door apart so you won’t have anywhere to run to when we have stuff to talk about.” He replied as he stood in front of me. “I meant what I said. I’m done with you running away from me.” he then leaned down and brought his face next to mine, making me lean away a little and placing my hands behind me. “The past is in the past. Stop overthinking everything and let all the bullshit go.” he stated leaning down a little more, making me fall further into the bed. “I’m not going anywhere and I know somewhere inside you want me to stay.”

“The only thing that keeping me from kicking you out is Ayanna” I reply back, feeling him move in between my legs as he edged closer down to me. I could feel his breath fanning my face now as I was lying straight on my back, trapped between him and the mattress. 

“Ayanna might be a small part of it, but I know your heart is a bigger part.” he commented, pressing his body against mine and placing his hands on either side of my head and moving even closer to my face now.

“You know nothing about my heart.” I respond just as his eyes locked into mine. I was now in a daze caused by the emerald of his green eyes. I was starting to get flashbacks of that night in this ever position. “Chance…”

“Don’t you dare say it, because I’m not moving.” he pointed out has if he could read my mind. “You always do this. Stop overthinking and just let things happen. Take chances, live a little.”

I had to turn my head away, not able to look at him anymore. I knew he was right; I did always overthink things. But the last time I just let everything go, I ended up making a big mistake that led me to where I am here today. “Chance, we can’t do this.”

“Too late, we already are.” Was all I heard him say before he moved my face to his and he crashed his lips to mine.  I knew we had kissed that night back home, the day of my father’s funeral, but this time it was different. I don’t know if it was the fact that I was kissing him back now, feeling our lips move in sync with one another, or that it was nice and slow, but it was warming my body up and making me want more of him.  I wrap my arms around his neck bringing him closer to me. It was like he was a cold drink of water that I couldn’t get enough of.

After a few more minutes, he removed his lips and started kissing me along my neck and sucking on that soft spot of mine behind my ear, making me moan slightly, “God, how that moan has haunted me in my dreams. I never thought I’d hear it again.” Chance whispered in my ear. “Milly, please tell me you’ve thought about giving us a chance.”

That was when it dawned on me what was going on. Chance was trying to seduce me into giving him a chance. He was doing everything he had done that night to get me to sleep with him, but this time for a different reason. “No, Chance, I haven’t and I don’t think it’s a good idea to try, either.”

With that said he leaned up and looked me in the eye, “I’ll make a deal with you. We act like the loving family we were meant to be tonight and if it still feels wrong to you in your heart we will just be friends. But if it feels right, and I know it does, you give us the chance that I’ve been waiting for so long.”

“Chance, that’s not fair. How do you except me to act a way that I’m not?” I stated. I mean, this was starting to feel right with me and him being together, but I was too scared to act on it. I was so used to the Chance I knew all those years ago and I wasn’t sure if he had really changed.

“That’s your mind speaking, Milly.  Listen to your heart for once.” He said back, starting to get off me. As he stood up, he grabbed hold of my hands and brought me to my feet as well. “Milly, I’ve always wanted you and no one else. We were meant to be together; it’s in the stars if you just look and see.”

“Chance, this is just too much. What if we don’t work out? It’s only going to hurt Ayanna in the end.” I throw back at him. I knew it was wrong to bring her into this, but it needed to be said.

“I’m not worried about that because I will do everything in my power to keep you by my side.” He came back with, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to him. I leaned my head on his chest and try to think of every which way not to be with him. All that keeps playing out in my mind was the way he was in the past. Then, I stop to listen to my heart for once. I remember how he kept me from running back in that room after my father died, the fact he didn’t leave my side while arranging the funeral, then after the funeral he let me sit there and cry on his shoulder. Plus, for the most, he seemed kosher with the whole Ayanna thing and me keeping it from him, given most our fight has been about him not wanting to let me go and not how I keep her from him. Maybe I was not seeing the full picture and I was being wrong about this all.

I sighed and wrap my arms around his waist. “I’ll try just for tonight for Ayanna’s sake. She needs to see that we can get along and not know about our trouble past or how we been fighting this last few days.”

“That’s all I’m asking for right now, Milly.” He said, pulling me closer to him and once again the feeling of home fell around me. With feeling that though, it did scare me a little and I knew it was just going to be trouble. 

*****

The rest of the day went by slowly. Chance had removed my door like he said and took it the garage so that it was out of the way. When I replied, telling him he owed me a new door, he commented he’d get a new one the day I stopped running from him and we shared the room together. Until then, there’d be no door. It made me feel like a teenager, when your parents would take your door away so you have no privacy.   So, I stuck up my pride for once and stayed downstairs showing Chance Ayanna’s baby book and little things that she had made throughout the year. I could tell in his eyes that he was upset that he had missed all those years of her life.

By the time Aunt Maria dropped Ayanna back home from school, I had fallen asleep on the couch while we had been watching some of Ayanna’s dance recitals. But I had popped up when I heard her sweet voice yelling “FAMILY NIGHT.” She seemed really happy to have both her parents around for once and I knew I couldn’t do anything to take that happiness away from her, Chance was here to stay.

“Ayanna, please stop yelling. You just woke-up your mom” Chance said in a somewhat fatherly tone. I looked over at Ayanna to see that she had this bug look in her eyes. I was speechless also. I didn’t think Chance had it in him to sound like a father, not even a little. Normally he was an easy going guy with no order, but I guess after running his father’s business and helping my father with his, he’d changed.  

“It’s ok Chance. She’s just excited to go out with us tonight.” I said, trying to make Ayanna know I wasn’t mad at her. “How was school?”

She sat down next to me and sighed. “It was ok, but it’s boring sometimes.” she complained. I’ve been hearing that a lot lately from her. The teacher wanted me to have her tested to see if she can move up a grade. But Ayanna tells me she doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, so I haven’t had the test run yet.

“OK honey, do you have any homework that needs to be done before we go out tonight?” I asked, pulling her to me. She shook her head back and forth. “Ok that go change and we’ll leave soon to get something to eat. Do you know what you want to do tonight?”

She sat there and looked from the couch to Chance and then a smiled one of those evil kid smiles when you know they’re up to no good, “Movies.” was all she said as she raced up the stairs and then we heard her scream, “What happened to Mommy’s door?”

Chance started laughing when I turn and gave him a pointed look. “I took it down, your mommy keeps locking me out.”  Then I could hear Ayanna laughing  as I heard her door shut.

I looked back over Chance who was still laughing. “You’re not going to be able to come in here and change things without her noticing.” I stated.

“I figured, which is a good thing because I want her to see what a real family is. So yes, I’ll be changing a lot of things around here real soon.” He commented.

“Chance, I know I said I give you a try tonight, but why are you fighting for this so much?” I asked with all joking to the side now.

Chance looked over to me and stood up from the chair he was sitting in and started walking over to me. Once he got the couch I was at he sat down right next to me, making me scoot over a little so he wasn’t so close. There was still a part of me that didn’t trust him and having him too close would just make my mind get all jumbled. But when I did that, it only made him move closer to me until I was next to the armrest. Now I was trapped between him and the armrest with my heart beating rapidly. “This is why. I want you to feel at ease being around me. You always seem jumpy when I’ve come close to you and that’s not what I want for us. I want to be able to come in and sit next to you while wrapping my arms over your shoulders and you lay your head on my chest. Then have Ayanna on the other side of me as we watch TV as a simple family would do. I don’t want you to feel jumpy every time I’m around you. I don’t know how many times I can say it until you understand. I want you and me to be together and be the family we were meant to be.”

I sighed; thinking that there had to be a reason why when we had slept together and I had gotten pregnant. “Chance, did you not wear a condom that night?”

With that question his face dropped and I know my answer right then, “No, I didn’t. I don’t know what it was about that night; I was just so lost in the moment that I didn’t think of the outcome of not wearing one. You’re the only girl I’ve ever not worn one with, though. I don’t care if you’re mad at me for it or not.  At this moment I’m glad I didn’t because if I had, we wouldn’t have Ayanna.”

“Chance, can I ask you a personal question?” I asked

He grabbed my hand and looked me in the eyes and I could feel myself getting lost in them, “You can ask me anything you need to, personal or not.”

“How many girls have you been with since us?” I don’t know why, but something inside me wanted to know.

“Two, of which were both drunken one night stands.” he laughed. “Now, the question bounces back to you; how many guys have you been with?”

“I’ve gone on a few dates, but I’ve never slept with anyone since that night.” I confessed. I felt a little ashamed that Chance was the only guy I’ve ever been with and I just admitted that to him. I should have lied and told him one. It was too late now.  

He just smiled at me as if he could read my mind, knowing what I was thinking and he wrapped his arms around me, giving me a crushing hug. “You have no idea how happy I am to hear that I’m the only guy you have been with. I really wish I could say the same, but sadly I can’t. But from now on, YOU are going to be the only girl I’ll be with.”

That statement sent up a red flag and I try to push Chance away from me “Chance, no, I’m not sleeping with you.”

He pulled away a little but didn’t release me from his hold. “I know not right now you’re not.  But maybe once you see that we are meant for one another, and then maybe we can make love to one another again.”

This conversation wasn’t going anywhere like I was hoping it would. “Making Love? Chance, we had sex.  We didn’t make love to one another.”

“Say what you will, but yes Lilly, I made love to you that night. Normally, I couldn’t have cared less about the girl I was fucking; as long as I got mine, I was happy. With you though, I was trying to be has gentle as I could and take my time to show you that I cared, that I would take care you. I wanted to make sure you felt that same passion as I felt for you.  So yes, I did make love to you.” he said and before I could reply, he slammed his lips down on mine and kissed me with so much affection that I had no choice but I kiss him back.

“Mommy and Daddy sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G” I heard Ayanna’s voice sing and pulled away from Chance to see her standing in front of us with a goofy grin on her face. I don’t know how much she heard, but she seemed ok with seeing us being together like that. “Can we go now? I’m getting hungry.” she asked and soon we got up to leave for our first real family night outing. 

copyright © 2013 Letty Scott/Embrace_Passion (All Rights Revered)