Line 33 / Part 1

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Victor Wagner seemed to have all the room in the world for Julia's tears. He just kept driving, and the only sign that he noticed them at all was the fact that at some point he silently reached back and handed Julia a tissue.

When finally Julia was done crying she said, "Thank you Victor. That felt good. I needed that cry. And I really appreciate that you didn't tell me how to cry either."

Victor turning meeting her eyes in the rear mirror was puzzled. "I'm sorry, I didn't get that. How could I possibly tell you how to cry?"

"Oh you know. When I cry in front of other people it always depends on their stuff if it's okay for me to do that or not but in any case they always feel they have to do something about it and that makes crying a very stressful thing."

"Do what?" Victor still puzzled.

"Well, for example my friend Kellie always wants to comfort me right away. I guess there's nothing wrong with it theoretically coz I know that's her way of showing that she cares about me. But then I feel bad if I just keep crying anyway coz that means I fail her as a friend by rejecting her effort to make me feel better."

Julia blew her nose and continued. "With my mom the way she reacts to my emotional states is always depending on her mood. If she's stressed she tells me right away it's not so bad when in reality she has no socking clue what's going on with me. If she's in the mood to play picture-book-mom she's cooing over me in this patronizing way like 'yes baby, I know it's bad, poor darling,' or similar crap when as I told you already she's totally in the dark about what's going on with me. But most of the time she just apologizes herself coz she's gotta run to some meeting or the other. She buys her way out of being there for me by giving me money. Either way she never takes the time to find out what's bothering me - I guess it's cheaper to pay for my therapy than losing a client." Thoughtfully she snuggled deeper into her seat as if to seek shelter from the world she was describing.

"Which brings us to my dear Doctor Kline who you think is wise but who I think could use some good therapy himself if you ask me. He's totally dependable in getting so excited about my 'showing feelings' and cheering me on to 'let it all out' that usually I can't help but start to laugh. Anyway he's not the worst of therapists I have seen. On the all I guess he's okay. I mean at least he's trying. But I think the way he behaves is a bit absurd, like my feelings are a feather on his hat. And this is why I appreciate how you just allowed me to cry undisturbed while all the time I knew that you care." Studying the crumpled tissue in her hand as if it contained the answer to the meaning of life she added, "I guess you must be a very compassionate person."

"Thank you! That is a very nice thing to say yet I am so sorry to hear that in this world of yours crying, a most basic representation of human suffering, has metamorphed into such a big deal surrounded by so many obstacles." Victor looked as if he was close to tears himself. "And for someone who claims to have never thought about what they believe in, you're doing a marvelous job at describing it. From your portrayal of how your modern world reacts to your show of feeling I can easily extract a whole system of things you believe in."

"Hmm. If you say so. For me it's just a way of observing what's going on around me."

"Yes, of course. But in order to make any observation at all we must have something to compare it to, no? And your statements of dissatisfaction with what you observe shows me clearly what you believe in."

"To be honest, I never thought about the things I told you before. I guess they just came out. Never even knew I had them in me. Never even knew I was frustrated with what's going on in the realm of tears."

"I see. Now don't worry. You are still so very young. In time you will become more conscious about all the many layers of your psyche and as you do you will become more powerful in making choices. You'll see how next time you cry around your friend Kellie you'll have a whole different set of tools available to deal with the situation by expressing your feelings of a deeper nature. No longer will you be victim of circumstance, 'depending on their stuff' you called it? And in turn you will be more compassionate towards your friend."

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