A/N: We hit a mile stone! 80k views! I know other authors make it a lot sooner, but I'm still happy and proud I've finally reached this- even if I took a lot longer to get there. Thanks for the love and support guys.

I'm also finally going to start writing "Handle Name: UNKNOWN". I did a test prologue awhile back and it was very well received, so now that my health and other things are working out- that story will finally begin. I will include that intro below (at the end of this chapter) to shamelessly bait readers to click over and follow haha. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter.

.
.
.
.
Alys

I stared breathlessly at my mother, yet she seemed unphased by my panic. Her head cocked slightly and she narrowed her eyes a bit, probably unsure of why I was horrified by her words. My fingers grasped the file quickly.

"I'm being serious," my mother said. "Alys look at me." She turned my shoulders to face her again, I let her, I didn't want to look back and see if Hayden was watching me. Her voice dipped low and soft. "You don't have to research anything. He... he won't get to you. I know you're scared, but this isn't something you need to do."

My mouth gaped a bit before I closed it. "You think this is because...." Of dad? I wanted to finish but couldn't. I already knew the answer- what else could she think? Dad was released today and I went behind her back to Tim's dad, who was the Mayor, asking about child services and child protection laws. If only she knew...

The guilt built up behind my eyes, but I couldn't tell her the truth so instead I tried to make her supposition less upsetting. "I didn't talk to Bert-" I whispered quietly, "about anything personal between you or I. I just wanted to know the facts of the laws."

She narrowed her eyes detestably at Tim's dad's name. Finally, she sighed and let go of me. "Stay away from that rotten bastard, he can choke on his tongue for all I care."

"You never told me why you hate him." I asked suddenly. I had never cared when they started dating nor when they broke up. Both my mother and Bert dated quietly, they never introduced either Tim or I to one another, or to even each other. My mother kept me tucked away for obvious reasons, and I guess Bert never got around to introducing Tim.

A year after Bert and my mother split up, Karri convinced me to invite Tim and Megan over to my house. As they hid in the downstairs coat closet, my mother had her mental breakdown. She recognized that damn cologne both Tim and his dad wore and said the worst things about him. She truly hated Bert. I never cared to ask why, until now.

"We dated while you were a freshman," She whispered jadedly, "Only for a few months but still, what a mistake."

"Why?" I pressed, "Why do you hate him? Why do you say such horrible things? Tim is nice. What did his dad ever do?"

I suddenly had the need to protect Bert and Tim. They were the ones after all, who were going to help me with Hayden's file.

"Because" my mother snapped, angry I was pressing, "He didn't know you were my daughter."

I froze, and so did she. She had the grace to look ashamed. But it wasn't her shame she was showing, it was her disgrace at ever having dated Tim's dad; humiliation of what he thought.

"While we were still dating, he met you somewhere. He found out you, Alys, were in fact my daughter. He was livid I never said anything about us, about who we were. He was an Assistant City Manager or something when your father was finally arrested and our situations made public. He kept asking to talk with you, see how you were, but then he kept saying how he had connections to all these people... he could get you help... more help."

"He said that?" I asked alarmed. I knew the day he met me. Karri saw her middle-school best friend and she wanted to introduce me. Karri and Tim had been extremely close before she was forced to move. Her parent's divorce had been nasty, it had affected Karri harshly. It was in therapy that Karri and I had first met though.

I shook Tim's hand for the first time, and we soon realized he would be transferring and attending the same high-school that Karri and I did. I shook hands with Bert too, but something about my name caused him to look alarmed. Karri smiled and realized aloud, "Wait your mom said she was dating the mayor, right? Holy shit I forgot Tim's dad was elected this year!"

And that was it. We talked for a bit more before we all left. A week later my mother and Bert broke up.

"He thought I needed help?" I asked.

"He knew our past Alys," my mother sighed, "And when he looked at you, he must have sensed all you kept inside. When I told him to fuck off, you already had Dr. Hathaway- he flipped out on me. It was a large screaming match but, in the end, I just decided his arrogance was enough. Everyone around us after the incident wanted to help. Every last one of them. All of them would have had you relapse from the stress- or even institutionalized. I was tired of it. We were finally free of the pressing gazes, people had forgotten who we were. You had finally blended into normality- and he wanted to "save" you, save us. I was so angry at those words, still am clearly. We might have barely held ourselves together- but we had at least done that. And all on our own. We saved what was left and had managed to move through life. What would you have done if he tried to "save" you, Alys?" She stared incessantly at me.

My teeth tugged on my lip softly as I mulled over the reality of who I was... who I am. "I...I would have fought him tooth and nail. I would have hated you even more... for letting someone else try to claw into my mind." Even though this was a threat from years ago- it suddenly made me ready to bolt.

"I know." My mother said, "There was no point in telling you why Bert and I broke up. You never truly met him or let him in your life, you wouldn't mourn the prying eyes we had lost." She adjusted her hair behind her ear.

"Please don't ask him for help- I will protect you from your father. So please, don't bother Bert anymore. I'll put up with Tim, god knows he's a walking reincarnation of his father though, but I will put up with him. Just leave my ex out of this."

I inhaled before meeting her gaze. I spoke with vague honesty, "He's not helping me with dad, or anything to do with our past. I asked him about something else... and Bert even admitted it was a onetime request. So, don't worry mom."

Those words remedied her face. I'd have to alter that story a bit for Hayden, as he no doubt heard it as well. But at least with her it was the truth.

I held the file tighter, turned and walked away. I glanced towards the kitchen and realized he was leaning back against the sink watching us both soundlessly.

He met my gaze, "What is that?" his low firm voice asked.

My blue eyes bore into him.
.
.
.
4 hours earlier

I stared at the file in my hands. I stared at the frayed edges and crinkled lines- stressed from the amount of paperwork within it. "What are you doing, Alys?" I whispered to myself, "What are you doing?"

What gave me this right?

It was a sudden need- I wanted it away from Mark, I wanted him to never have power or blackmail over Hayden again. But within my grasps... I knew a dead kid lay.

I finally turned the folder open and let the pages reveal themselves. Police reports cluttered the beginning of the documents. Names I didn't recognize, witness statements I didn't want to read. Joshua Russell, the foster father, declaring the extent Hayden had assaulted him. I stared at the photo attached; of a man with brown eyes, red cheeks and nose, pale clammy skin. I saw the bloody crooked cartilage of his nose, the swollen black eye, the missing tooth, the busted lip.

My fingers tightened. I moved from the assault police report... to Tucker's report. I wasn't ready for the image of his deceased body, lying on the ground- eyes staring vacantly towards the sky. I gasped and dropped the file on the table.

I pushed my palms to my eyes- holding back the tears that threatened them. Distant talking filled my head as I used the background chatter of the wide-open dining hall to drown my thoughts. No one paid attention to me. The café continued brewing espresso for the bureau employees as they darted out of elevators and to the hall for a quick lunch.

I breathed in deeply once more. I saw Hayden's eyes again in my memory- the anguish and pain as he whispered the words to me by my bedside.

There's no misunderstanding in this, I killed a kid.

When you draw me, you will draw me exactly as I am. A Monster.

I lowered my hands from where they cradled my face.

I opened the file again and stared at the photo of Joshua Russel. Anger began burning through my veins. Nowhere in his report was there mention of all he did to those children, of how he drugged them- abused them. Tortured them.

I flipped back to the next report and again found the image of Tucker- staring blankly at the sky. My fingers slowly pressed into the pane; touching gently to the skin that could not feel. He looked scared in this photo, and that broke my heart. It broke my heart to think this was also the last image Hayden had of his best friend. "You know it, don't you?" I whispered to Tucker, "It wasn't his fault. I'm sure you would say that. And even if not- I want you to know he didn't mean for this. All he wanted was to protect you."

I gripped the file tighter. I moved the photo away and stared at the autopsy report. Underweight. Cause of Death: Seizure. But there, with bold large letters, the determination of death continued: OD; Haloperidol/Midazolam Benzodiazepine.

"Overdose?"

Again, I flipped through Tucker's autopsy reports. The police report in front charged Hayden with manslaughter as he had stopped Mr. Russel from administering the shot. But the autopsy report did not acknowledge the lack of medicine as the cause of death. It listed overdose, presented with a chart of the toxicology report. Atop the chart; OD; Haloperidol /Midazolam Benzodiazepine.

Haloperidol. The most common psychotropic drug given to foster kids as an antipsychotic. It was even given to me when I was younger- trapping me in a painful shell of a person. They called it the chemical straight jacket for a reason. It was already controversial, commonly given to foster children, even those who didn't need it but unfortunately showed any behavioral problems. It was the shot Tucker was given over and over again- whispering to Hayden how it made him want to die. Midazolam Benzodiazepine was the sedative drug they'd pair with it.

One to fuck your mind into nothing but an empty shell, one to tranquilize the body until the medicine had taken over.

OD; Haloperidol/Midazolam Benzodiazepine.

OD.

Overdose.

I was shaking my head... over and over again. Those seizures.... this whole time.

"You were overdosing this whole time" I whispered.

I whipped out my phone and pulled up Medscape. I typed in both Haloperidol and Midazolam Benzodiazepine, and generated the side effects.

Benzodiazepine (BZD) overdose;
Patients receiving prolonged parenteral administration of BZDs are at risk for propylene glycol poisoning (the diluent used in parenteral formulations of diazepam and lorazepam). Although rare, this may result in hypotension, cardiac dysrhythmias, lactic acidosis, seizures, or coma.

Haloperidol overdose; An overdose of Haloperidol can be fatal. Overdose symptoms may include extreme drowsiness, feeling like you might pass out, tremors, and uncontrolled muscle movements in your eyes, tongue, jaw and neck.

"Tucker began losing control of himself." Hayden's voice echoed through my memories, "His face was reddening, his neck straining and he was clawing for Mr. Russell."

I looked back to the toxicology report. Both drugs were high in toxicity and had been in Tucker's system a prolonged time. Due to their similar OD symptoms- both or either was responsible for the seizure.  It made note that no Flumazenil was found in his system at the time of death. I didn't recognize Flumazenil. The other two drugs had been given to me a few times while young- so their names were engraved into my brain, but this one I had to google.

It was the antidote for overdose for Benzodiazepine.

This was the shot Mr. Russel had come out with to give to Tucker. This was the shot... Hayden had prevented.

A tear slipped free from my cheek and landed on the papers before me.

I let go of the papers and began shaking, desperately trying to hide my face into my hands.

"This whole time," Tim's quiet voice whispered and I jolted instantly, "I have been waiting for you to ask for help, waiting for you to stop trying to fight your shit alone... waiting for you to snap out of your world."

I watched him horrified, realizing he had been watching me for a while now.

Tim now stood before my table, arms crossed as he watched me solemnly. His boyish looks were gone; no happy grin, no dimple in his cheek. Somber.

'What... what are you talking about?"

"The day you told me you drew I felt at a loss for how to help you- all I knew was that you needed a friend, someone to lean on- someone to help. Karri was always tightlipped on exactly what you needed to hear to guide you through this. I wanted to help- to fill the void she left. All those years ago in middle school... You were the only reason she didn't kill or harm herself when her parents divorced nastily and abandoned her to therapy." Tim paused now, quiet pained eyes holding mine.

"I thought I had lost my best friend. I thought she'd harm herself. I thought therapy would make it worse. But there she found you. And there she got better... because of you. I didn't see Karri again until high school- and there you were in tow behind her. I've always wanted to repay those depts... help you, talk to you, just be your friend. Finally, at a loss, knowing Karri was gone and you were struggling to stay afloat, I asked my father for advice."

Those sad eyes watched me quietly. "My father knew exactly who you were...."

The unspoken words behind them deafened my thoughts.

"You've known this whole time?" My voice was rough; the horror, dread, and shame lodged in my throat. Another few tears quietly dripped down my face.

"Yes... I'm sorry."
.
.
.
We sat in quiet for about five minutes. Tim had pulled out the other chair and had lowered himself to it. He watched me patiently, though I wouldn't meet his gaze. The tremors in my hands wanted to move but I held them still. Finally, I breathed in deeply, before finding his eyes.

"Nobody knows what happened." I whispered.

"I know."

"I mean, nobody but the few close to me. Karri knows most of it... but not all."

"I understand."

"Why didn't you say anything?" I strained, devastated all over again he knew this whole time.

"Why?" He countered, "Because it wasn't needed."

I froze as my eyes darted unsure across his gaze. "What wasn't needed? Hearing it from me?"

"No," he whispered, "Someone trying to bring it up again. It wouldn't matter, it wouldn't help. You needed a friend to be there, not someone poking around; I knew enough about you to know that. I regretted asking my dad but also was thankful. It helped me understand... and if anything, it gave me the patience to not overwhelm you."

"You just..."

"Wanted to be your friend," he whispered.

My mouth betrayed me. I smiled unintentionally; agonizingly. It hurt. The tears had swarmed my eyes. When was the last time I smiled... really smiled? Why the hell was I smiling?

Why did somebody uncovering my secret... no longer matter? Why was there no demon?

I began crying, feeling utterly raw, feeling utterly defenseless. Tim reached out and grasped my wrist.

Augustine's words involuntarily echoed through my skull "it's been ten years since you even acted alive", and instead of holding my emotions and pushing him away, my fingers strained into his wrist bones back. The tears fell harder.

"Well thank god," he whispered. And I knew then....

She had not been the only one to think that.
.
.
.
I stared at the photo of Tucker in my hands... I stared at those lifeless eyes. My vision was blurring but I didn't move. Tim waited quietly beside me, not knowing what was within my hands, but still waiting, like he always had been since Karri had left. You can talk to me....

The voices of many echoed through my skull, ricocheting off one another in a chorus of pleas. 

I thought about Dr. Hathaway's words... "you have to let this out....."

Of Karri... "please don't close off to the world...."

Of Hayden... "What are you beyond the mural?"

"How will you pick up the pieces...."
.
.
.

"You've changed..." my mother's voice murmured softly within my thoughts. It resonated soft currents against my core.

"I'm going to tell you a story," I whispered to Tim. "A long, horrible, shameful story.... about me and a boy. About a mural and the State." My eyes rose to his. "About revenge...."

"And why I need your help."
.
.
.
.

A/N: Hopefully not too many errors.
For those curious: Handle Name: [UKNOWN]

Summary:
Emelia is going to end her life. In an outlandish hotel room in Las Vegas, she keys in her question to the internet search screen; HOW TO MAKE A CLEAN SUICIDE. The wedding was too much; watching the man she had loved, the man who cheated on her, say those words... to her sister... does it in for Emelia. She's just done.

Unbeknownst to Emmy; DefCon, the largest Hacking Convention in world, is in the same hotel for its annual games with the FEDs and top Security Corporations. A frenzy of dangerous minds and digital morals charge the outlets and wires all around. And amongst them all; a deadly Black Hat legend. A hacker capable of destroying anything he gets his hands on. A hacker who ruthlessly cracks them all:

[ATRA]

Drunk, broken and tormented, Emelia finally finds the cleanest way to end her life. She releases the mouse-wheel, staring pointedly at the screen; staring at the only thing that would bring her solace.

It was time. She rose to leave.

But not before sudden words dashed across her screen.

"Please Don't."

---

A story of love, anger, and betrayal. A mysterious hacker saves Emmy from herself. Somehow he manages to root himself in her life, and as angry as she is at that- every wrong turn she makes; he's there, somehow saving her. But what happens when Emmy finds out his real Handle Name? What happens when Emmy discovers he's not as innocent and caring as she once thought he was? What happens when he disappears back into the untouchable, dangerous world of codes and