Hi everyone,

Yes... I know you all want to kill me. Trust me I do too. Thank you for being patient and sending all your encouraging messages and comments. I read every single one of them and they meant the world to me. Nothing makes me happier than seeing people reach out to see if I was okay. So thank you for that.

I felt it would be a good thing to post today and at least do a Q/A's since my inbox is usually full of them. Thank again for your support, and sorry for not being here. My employer went under, and I was suddenly jobless. Luckily my etsy store kept me afloat all winter, but it was still a chaotic and dark time. Good news though, I went to school for some skill trades (got my welding license too!) and was able to work with that until I landed another job, this time in medical.

So without further ado:

Q/A's:

Q: Where does this story take place? There's never a mention of a state or city.

A: That's because I purposely didn't want to put one in. Pretty lame I know, but as this school is already fictional, I didn't really want to ground it to a real place. I picture it on the west coast, maybe Oregon? But it really could be anywhere. If this story ever gets published I'll put more effort into transitioning it into a real place.

Any ideas would be helpful too. Where did you see it?

Q: Alys talks very mature. Why does she speak like an adult? Isn't it unrealistic?

A: Well, that is actually how I speak/spoke when I was a senior too. And keep in mind, she pretty much is an adult. I began this story when I was a teenager in my sophomore year (20's now), and it never occurred to me that she sounded older. I grew up reading anything and everything, so I suppose without meaning to, my vocabulary is a bit more varied. But looking back to even as a young child, the Harry Potter novels had large beautiful sentences- and a lot of Latin words- and it's a children's book. This story I'm writing is a young adult novel, and I think it should be wrote with varied and vast words.

It stunned me at first that people didn't agree with how she spoke (many comments at the beginning of this story). But what concerned me even more was no one had a problem with how Hayden spoke, which was almost exactly on the same level. It was like, without knowing it, these readers reflected every other novel where a man is known to have a more extensive vocabulary but not a girl. That's not normal in real life, dear reader. I can count on two hands how many commenters were unsure of Alys' voice. I have still never heard anyone question Hayden's. Let me stand on my little soap box, That's not okay.

Boys and girls should have a wonderfully diverse vocabulary. How could we not? We read novels starting from our childhoods that prod our limitations. Allow me to write my favorite quotes simply because I loved them so much. I'm not trying to quote Harry Potter to be cliché (because let's be honest, this is the number one book everyone's already read), I mean to quote it to remind you this worldly renowned novel is a children's book. Death, love, and life all entangled in more beautiful words than I could ever hope to put together, meant for 6 to 13-year-olds.

-"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."

-"It is a curious thing Harry, but perhaps those who are best suited to power are those who have never sought it. Those who, like you, have leadership thrust upon them, and take up the mantle because they must, and find to their own surprise that they wear it well."

-"Happiness can be found even if the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

-"Let us step into the night and peruse that flighty temptress, adventure."

And my ALL time favorite, though not poetic at all:

-"'Why are they all staring?' demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students.

'Don't let it worry you,' said Ron. "It's me. I'm extremely famous'."

I only want to rewrite these and reiterate this to my readers that you shouldn't stand for only junk/bland novels, (*though I will admit sometimes you just want "junk food" in book form). But as a whole, I believe that a teenage girl has every right to not speak in "text" lingo, or reenact every cliché way of speaking most movies have put down on us.

I was never like that, a vast majority of girls are not like that, but in most novels we all seem to be like that. I'd rather not reinforce what is essentially dumbing down the youth. I wasn't dumb, and I doubt any of you are. True, Alys had to grow up faster than most people, but her way of speaking shouldn't be unbelievable. More than likely, she grew up reading Tolkein, Pullman, Rowling, L'Engle, and so on so forth. ALL considered Children's novels. All with more vocabulary than most of the Y/A that's out there. So, I plead with other novelist to stop watering their character's voice. If a children's book can entrap us with "Tom Riddle hit the floor with a mundane finality, his body feeble and shrunken, the white hands empty, the snakelike face vacant and unknowing"... a teenage girl/boy should be able to speak with similar tongue and not be told they sound "too mature" and "unrealistic". When a child's novel has more vocabulary than most Y/A fiction, THAT's the problem.

Let me insert one last beautiful quote, this time for The Dead Poets Society.

"Avoid using the word 'very' because its lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use 'very sad', use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys- to woo women- and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do."

Woo yourself, my friends, as I try to. I love writing, and I will always fight to not be lazy about it. If your vocabulary isn't that colorful, it isn't you, it's the material around you that has failed you.

Q: How long did it take you to research everything related to your characters?

A: Luckily for me I had a good foundation in most aspects of the plot to know how things work. I am familiar with people who have ticks, and know how varied they can be. Ticks fall into common categories, but no two are the same. Its involuntary, but a lot of times it can be almost sophisticated (detailed patterns that can't be broken, like blowing on fingers, running three along your leg swiftly, and whistling while doing it). I also live in the foster capital of America so I am overly familiar with the foster system. Alaska (where I'm from) has more foster children per capita than any other state. I was lucky to have a wonderful mother and father but sadly a lot of friends in school were in the foster system. I heard their horrors first hand, and sadly also heard how our state (so overcome with the amount of children) swept most of them under the rug.

For the mental illness part, I was able to pull some of my own issues for reference, though Alys truly is in her own playing field with hers. I won't get into details about my personal life but it helped me understand my character and give her a voice.

As for what I didn't know, I researched and read about it. Google was/is my best friend for sure. Truth be told I am still fact checking and ensuring I'm within a fictional but possible plot line. So I'd say I never stopped researching. For their basic profiles, I deigned them in a day. I knew Alys was going to be one of the greatest painters of her time, I knew her and Hayden would have dark times in their past that would lead to how they handled their future. And I knew there would be this breaking point where you're either born again or consumed into the ashes.

From there, it was just a matter of writing each chapter out.

Q: Alys is pretty on the cover of the book, but I didn't expect her to be wearing makeup. I like the idea of a naturally pretty Alys who doesn't wear make-up.

A: Aw... the anticipated question as to why she has makeup on the cover. Care to notice the paint on her face too, and how she's dressed up? Perhaps this is actually from a certain scene coming up.... one that will be pretty eventful. We'll find out! :)

Q: Can you tell us about yourself? What inspired you to write this? What is your everyday life like? Other hobbies?

A: okay, to be fair there have been actually a lot more personal questions than that, but I think I can sum up enough to hopefully appease most curiosity.

About me... hmmm. I write! Haha okay, I'll be serious. A little about me, I'm born and raised Alaskan. I am an introvert who somehow manages to travel and put on a show when she has to. I mean that with good humor though, I've learned to balance the world. I like to craft and create things. I get overwhelmed with certain things I struggle with and fall off the globe entirely. I've been writing this book for years now... sadly I can't stay upright long enough to finish it. But I'm trying.

For inspiration, I suppose it's because I can relate to Alys well that I was able to create her character. And Hayden's as well. I draw and paint, as well as digital paint. All the covers for my novels were made by blending and repainting lots and lots of images, and some of the chapter photos were drawn by me.

With that in mind, we have a unique way of life up here in Alaska... and no I don't mean igloos. (please don't be that type of person to believe that). We have a lot of foster kids up here. In Alaska, we have twice the average than any other place in the united states, in fact we are the foster Capitol of America. And with so many investigations, so many children.... just so much going on, so many up here don't have good homes.

I went to school with them, and had a mutual friend whose family took them in. Whenever I went to her house I was shell-shocked at what some of it was like. And... I personally felt my friend's parents were in it for the money. I feel uncomfortable even writing that as I've never put it out into words before and I want to assure everyone those kids were not mistreated. But I sat next to these kids, tried to smile, and felt grossly ashamed of my own supportive past and parents even though we were poor, grossly ashamed that I had this mutual friend and thus found myself at their table. I felt ashamed that I was, in their eyes, a part of this whole picture; this family and their friends that laugh and smile and all is right, so just chin up kid.

They are part of my inspiration. And Hayden's past stems from a dark reality here. Just a few miles away from my house, a man who fostered multiple children was arrested. For months... he had been tying them to trees out back naked and was beating them. These children had problems, some nonverbal, and this abuse happened for almost a year. Within a 30-min drive to my house. A 30 min difference, I became more than aware of, that divided hell and heaven.

Every year... another revelation in the newspaper. Another Ooops.

Last year, a local woman by the name of Anya James was arrested and charged with physical abuse, emotional abuse, and starving her SIX kids beginning since.... 1999. All to present day. It all came to light this last September because three of those children were found and hospitalized for being so severely malnourished.

Do you know how much the State paid her between 2000 and 2010?

$750,000.

During those many years, four of those kids had tried to run away various times, scared and beating on the neighbor's door. The police came. And this is the part I want everyone to understand.... Anya James was able to convince them nothing was wrong... and so they left.

Rinse. repeat. Rinse. Repeat.

I think the foster system is horribly flawed. Part of this book came from that, and truly a part of it is my apology to all those who held those dark secrets as they sat next to me, had to watch me eat dinner with them at their "guardians" table, or saw me escape in ways they never could. I was a smart kiddo but skipped and left school nonstop because I couldn't deal with the anxiety. I wasn't a red flag though, I had a stable background, and no one batted an eye realizing I flew the coop. I hate to say it but I was Hayden. I could walk out the front doors of my school with a bullshit smile on my lips and I'd never feel the repercussions from of it. I could leave and disappear and no one could stop me, and when a councilor finally corralled me into his office for skipping almost 6 months straight of my senior year (yes, I am not lying or exaggerating) I was able to talk my way out of it. That still shocks people (granted I'd show up to class and pass any test, so it never affected my final grades), but with my social anxiety... I learned how to disappear and when caught, bluff and talk my way out of anything. My senior year I was gone for more than half of it, only showing up on tests days, and I managed to get away with it. This wasn't small Alaskan high school either. I never had any guilt from it, I was overwhelmed and literally just didn't care.

But it took a friend in the system to point something else out to me, I could leave and disappear whenever I wanted. And afterwards... when people finally realized I was gone... I'd only be missed.

She was right. She'd be tracked. she was someone's paycheck. She was my friend's mother's paycheck. If she was missing they would know instantly, drag her back, never question why she left but only punish her for trying. She lived like someone's pet.

When my councilor realized I hadn't been in for months, he was only concerned for me, nothing more. Funnily... he was who I designed Mr. Kinsley after. He called me a weasel and told me they had to change their whole school system protocols because of how I was able to leave. (in case anyone was wondering, some kids had classes off campus at a career tech school down the street so they would sign out in the front office and then board the bus. There were classes at all times of the day. To leave... I would walk straight up to the office ladies, smile talk a bit, and sign out. Every day. For all my four school years, but badly for my senior year. And they never doubted me.)

I never felt guilt, I did it because I hated being surrounded by people. But the day my foster friend told me that, I finally realized how lucky I was, when before I only felt overwhelmed. In the end, our mutual friend's family decided to send her back onto the system... they couldn't "support" her anymore. I haven't heard from her since.

Two weeks later though, that family had another kid. Younger. Not 18, not close to the cut off point for fostering. In my eyes, not close to the point of losing funding.

I don't know if I can even blame the system.... they are so overcome here, so absolutely drowning in investigations, it's like catching water with your hands. But I hate it none the less.

So, during my last years of high school, I pulled out my computer and began typing a story called "The Insanity of a Wallflower/just smile and nod". Even though I've since graduated... it's something I keep coming back to because its something that shaped my entire life.

My own social anxiety, my upbringing within this foster system state, certain medical conditions, and my own natural ability at writing and drawing, it all just came together. I paired it with most author's dream of unique fictional conquering (Alys' unique ability), and it just took off from there.

....

I will answer all other questions in the comment below so if you have any other questions you'd like to ask, just drop them below! It will be helpful to other readers too, so go nuts.