Appreciation For Beauty- XI

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I turned and ran as fast as I could. More people yelled at me as I slammed into them, charging by. My heart tore within my chest and a nauseating sensation pulled behind my lips.

No! This can't be happening! No one was supposed to know!

He was never supposed to know!

I thought of all my drawings within his grasps, I thought of those dead silver eyes gazing at every single one of them; the hundreds of students within our senior class sculpted to their most hideous self....

A rough hand enclosed around my elbow and pulled me back. I yipped and swung on my heel scared shïtless. But it was Tim who was staring at me in fury, not Hayden.

"What the hell happened to you?" He demanded. "You just ran straight passed me, looking like you're about to lose your mind!"

Sweat dampened my brow and I shook my head, my eyes searching the hall behind him. "I have to go Tim, I'm sorry."

"Alys!" he shook me slightly, "Snap out of this! You can't keep acting like this! Karri's gone; we have to get over it!"

My eyes snapped to his. I wanted to punch him in his face, but my inner chameleon clamped down my muscles. There were too many eyes around us. Though very few glanced this way, it was still too much. I had to fight to be faceless; I had to be nobody.

"You don't know me," I hissed lowly to Tim; my anger barely contained, "You have no right to say those things to me; to assume those things."

I ripped my arm out of his grasp and walked away.

I found my way into Ms. Lexington's classroom. I didn't take art this year, she chose not fill her time with advanced elective classes for a reason I didn't know. But this room still beckoned to me and soothed my inner core. There was no class this period and no teacher in question, so I wandered in, grabbed a chair and buried my head in my arms.

"Breathe, just breathe," I murmured to myself. What was going to happen to me?

The tick trembled my fingers so badly, my very bones seemed vibrate. I could feel its shadow swallowing me whole. Whatever progress I had made all these years was breaking away. My mind was doused in gasoline. What would he do to me? Would he try to fùck up my life now?

Those friends and teachers that had all left this school had all done the very same thing I had just done; cross the path of the very man you never should have even revealed yourself to. My fingers shook harder now. I thought of the soccer coach who lost his job after Hayden's first year on the team. He had tried to punch Hayden, a freshman as well as I was. I remembered Jason from the cafeteria as well. Suddenly, he had left school the following week. No one could get a word out of him; he refused to talk or laugh or explain anything more than "I just feel crowded here". He refused to show any emotion as Hayden shook his hand goodbye on those last days.

But mainly, I thought of the school counselor whom supervised those with the last names A-E, most specifically Hayden Donovan. I always considered myself lucky for having the last name Westbrook, for Counselor Kinsley could sense too much about me. I always resentfully eyed his Child Psychology credentials upon his far office wall.

My own counselor had been asked by him to question me and try to help me. But she was too dumb. I smiled gently for the fruit loop and she sent me away with a clean bill of student mental health- much to the pleasure of my mother. I knew he meant well, he truly cared for the hormonal time bombs that flooded these halls, but he was still bothersome nonetheless.

One day, Mr. Kinsley decided to retire halfway through my junior year. It had stunned the other staff for he had never voiced any thoughts beforehand insinuating he was ready to settle down. But he looked tired now, worn out. Like perhaps he had tried too hard to play a puzzle, only to realize he was in a forsaken maze with no way out.

I wondered if that meant Hayden too had realized Mr. Kinsley was getting too close to unearthing his mask; discovering the other side. Even I was aware of the closeness Mr. Kinsley put Hayden under his nose. But he should have known, sensed it, you never corner a wolf. Even if you want to help it.

I had been pathetically curious to see how Hayden would persuade Kinsley into loving him; would he don a cloak of friendship, perhaps pretend to be struggling with his grades in hopes that fault would channel the attention away from his true nature? But he didn't. Instead he seemed to let Mr. Kinsley look into his life, his past. He let Mr. Kinsley latch on to that information. He watched his councilor greedily open Pandora's box.

I too watched as that man sunk too deep in whatever Hayden's past was. It was easy to see on a day to day basis of the change in his attitude; the different way he looked at Hayden or even spoke. Those walls to the maze must have been exhausting to look at. Where he should have seen it coming, I already knew it. People like Hayden and I had different histories than most people. And sometimes brown-nosers realize something they were never meant to uncover after they persist too deep.

The whole picture had been too much, the shadows of those walls must have been far larger than Kinsley and his credentials had been ready for. In the end, he seemed to stop prying; I had noticed he no longer tracked Hayden. I wondered if that he was allowed to leave the maze. He stopped dabbling in Hayden's life and was able to walk away with no real repercussions. And with that new found freedom... the tired man finally decided it was time to focus on himself. Or perhaps he was encouraged.

But I had just taken his place. Unlike all other peoples that have been removed from Hayden's path, Kinsley and I shared one thing in common. I too knew Hayden held something darker, and I had just been caught red handed for drawing it over and over again.

My knees started bouncing and my heart continued to race. I squeezed my eyes tighter, feeling like I should just scream and let it all out... But then I realized it.

Somebody was watching me.

I tilted my head.

Hayden was across the room from me by the rooms second entrance, leaned up against wall; not saying anything- just watching me. Journal in hand. His long form seemed relaxed and lazy, but those eyes spoke a different story. They promised something dangerous.

My eyes were wide as I was frozen in my position against the table. Before I could do anything though, somebody walked in to room to the right of me.

"There you are," Mr. Jackson sighed. Hayden showed no emotion, no movement; he just watched me silently, gripping my sketchbook tight.

"I asked your friend Tim and he said you had ran in here." The sheep exhaled further as he stepped into the room.

My eyes cracked to the right and watched him. He was completely oblivious to the statue on the other end. "I noticed you weren't going to show up today, class has been in session for a few minutes now and you weren't there. I just thought... maybe you were going to the Counselor's for some reason." He tried laughing off those words, probably trying to pretend that he cared about me. "I got concerned you weren't handling the loneliness well." he finally whispered as he gazed down at me.

"I said I wouldn't tell, didn't I ?" I forced myself to lean back and meet his gaze. I didn't want his eyes traveling the room and seeing another student. I couldn't deal with him trying to back out on his testimony thinking our bargain was compromised.

"Yes, yes," he wrung his hands out nervously, "I know that. You've been such a good girl to me. I don't deserve it, I know I don't- but I am thankful you have kept your end of the deal." But I could tell instantly he didn't trust me.

"What," I said without thinking, "Did you expect me to run to the principal's after Karri left this school and rat your ass out for fùcking the senior girls?"

"Quiet!" he hissed with an anger he had obviously been hiding up until now, "We had a deal! You can't threaten me anymore! I did what you asked. I helped save Karri and you didn't rat me out to the police! But that's over now! You can't treat me like this anymore! So show up to class or I'll fail you like every other student who skips!"

I stood and faced him, observing his Adam's-apple tugging within that abrupt swallow.

"Yes, we did agree to that. But you know what we also agreed to? You will never do it again..." I sneered at him. "So tell me Austin, who have you been fantasizing about lately? Who are you planning on fùcking now?"

"Nobody!" he roared. But for a disturbing moment, his eyes lingered on my body.

"Leave." I choked to him, my emotions barely contained. He seemed to realize what his actions had revealed. He turned instantly, more than ready to run back to his hole. "But Austin," I whispered, stopping him in his tracks, "Bother me again and I'll let it slip to another teacher that you've been staring inappropriately at me and I don't feel safe around you." I wanted to cry suddenly, trapped by those whom had and would soon ruin my life further.

His shoulder blades tightened but he didn't look back. Within another moment, he was gone.

I exhaled and counted to three before I glanced warily at the other end of the room. Hayden had a dark smile on his face as he watched me. His face, under these lights, was disturbingly handsome. The strong lines of his features seemed sharp and dangerous... His lips grinned just a little more, like a monster showing its teeth.

I swallowed painfully before I turned to leave the room as well. But his words instantly ensnared me into an unmoving state.

"How have I never noticed you before?" that rough voice said softly. I could hear his fingers tracing along the edges on my journal; like spider legs along my neck, and I turned my head swiftly to glare at him.

"Give me back my sketchbook." I hissed.

"No." he replied evenly.

Finally he leaned away from the wall and slowly paced towards me. "So this whole time, you knew who I was. You knew what I was truly like..." he glanced to the book in his hand, "You drew me a thousand times, and I never even noticed." his knuckles were white now as he gripped the spine harder.

"You've known everyone's dark little secrets." Those grey eyes skirted to the now vacant door for a moment before returning to me, "And you've known all my dark secrets. Don't deny it. I can see the truth carved into these pages with a madness that is quite disturbing. My, my," he got closer and closer with each word, "To think there was someone as screwed up as me."

"I'm not like you," I hissed, but we both knew I was lying. I was Hayden's only rival in this screwed up world; my journal condemned us both to that fault. He who prowled the world in that warped way, and I who slaved myself to draw those depraved revelations.

The dangerous grin he gave me back told me he knew I was lying. He knew he had me in the palm of his hand. But I'd be damned if I was to go down that easily.

"You're right about one thing though," I smiled tightly, wanting to give him some form of discomfort at last, "You had no idea your pathetic attempts of being seen as the hero, the lovable leader had failed. Its been quite fun to see you try and act so normal with your "friends". Do you know why? Because I can see it," I laughed now, "That utter disgust and repulsion you have for your friends. But you can't just throw them all away, can you? So you have to sit day in and day out and live in their pathetic lives; driving you up the walls. And the best part about this all? If you would have just looked left, you would have seen me watching you- laughing at you. Enjoying how trapped you were, enjoying the karma for all the shit or abuse you've put other people through."

I did anything but that, but he didn't need to know. There had to be an excuse as to why I drew him so many times... and I didn't want him to know that truth of it...

Hayden held no emotion on his face. He was calculating me silently. Again, my teeth flashed against a smile. "Not what you expected?" I asked, "Don't know what to do with me?"

I decided he could ruin my life in spite for having sculpted his true form, at this point... I guess I really didn't care. Karri was gone; I had no one any way...

But his next words startled me...

"I can help you destroy it; destroy their egotistical smiles and laughs." Hayden whispered with those eyes of a patient predator. "You don't think I know what you've been drawing?" he smiled now, and for the first time I heard a true laugh escape him. It made my blood run cold.

What was he saying?

This wasn't right.

"What... are you talking about?" my voice fell away from me. This is not what should be happening. He should be threatening me; destroying me after all I've done to him. People had "fallen" down stairwells, been punched in the face, been threatened through grinning teeth, been forced to lose their careers.....

But he was telling me he could help me....

Hayden looked down at the journal as he set it atop the table I had been sitting at, "It wasn't much to ask around and learn your name. I had heard a girl named Karri was expelled and arrested for those wonderful posters that were hung up upon the walls. You know, I should personally congratulate your friend on that humiliating damnation she put Ashley through. I had a few full days of peace in class because of it. Ah... but it seems Karri was wrongfully expelled afterwards. Though somehow, she eluded full punishment." he tssked his mouth, "...and who else would stand before me at the end, but her friend; the nobody."

"You ran so fast, that's what caught my attention, though I didn't particularly care why. But the thing is; your journal was still leaning against the desk where you set in by your feet. I figured it was homework or even a ploy purposely left for me to discover since others have done just that. All in hopes I'll have talk to them as I return the binder, and realize my undying love."

I grimaced at his words.

"I stood to leave for I had no interest in you or your book... until I noticed something." His cold gazed traveled curiously across my face, "I recognized the smell. It was that trace of charcoal and lead. I had caught hints of it before, but this..." he tapped a finger against the book, "was heavily, freshly, and disturbingly drawn; the graphite within overly saturated into the papers. I realized it wasn't a journal, it was a sketchbook. And I have always had an appreciation for art...."

My heart thumped heavily at that last sentence. I didn't want to hear it, I knew what he was about to say. But I didn't want him to vocalize the nightmare I was in.

"It is so heavy and abused, and I turned the pages. My eyes met my own sketched gaze. My true face had been drawn, over and over again."

I closed my eyes briefly in defeat. When I opened them, he had stopped talking; those silver eyes ever burning into mine. My journal was screaming as his fingers still lay so close to it. It sung an alarm that was already so obvious that it should really stop. But after years of dodging his radar, the wire had been tripped. And it wouldn't stop.

He's looking at you... he's looking at you.

He's found you.

Hayden grinned at me and it sent a death rattle up my spine. He stepped closer to me, "Don't look at me like that Alys. Would you like me to smile and tell you it's okay? Would you like me to assure you your secret is safe with me?"

"Soothing the rabbit in your lap?" I asked bitterly, trying to find words other than what my journal was screaming. The metaphor paused his movements, as if he connected the drawings of predators and prey in my journal.

"You apparently don't understand me". I snapped, continuing on. "I don't fear my sketchbook getting out." I fear you and your maze, "But I never wanted the hidden psychopath to discover my works either. Since that plan has obviously failed," my eyes narrowed and I fought for some illusion of courage, "Do whatever you please. I couldn't care less."

But my words did not represent my thoughts. There was something different in the air... something wrong. This wasn't how he treated Kinsley or the others. I knew I was but a rabbit in a trap... but he wasn't skinning me like the others.

"Is that what you would have Jackson believe?" He looked so amused, so excited. "What a fùcking idiot." he laughed. "Even I could see the depth of hatred in your eyes from all the way across the room. I could see how much you wanted to make him pay for what he has done. But you know little of toying with lives, whereas I know everything. And I also know what you truly want," he finished closing the distance between us. He slowed his voice slightly as he watched me, like he wanted me to understand the importance of his next words.

"You want revenge. It's in every page before me. I knew how you felt before I even found you here. You have somehow discovered the underbelly of those around us... even me. And I can see the exact turning point in these sketches where before they stood in their costumes... now they are stripped free and stand on a podium for all to see. Whether you realize it or not, your subconscious craves this revenge; craves revealing everyone for their true colors. And I could help you with that." There was something dark and mirth filled within those eyes.

"Revenge?" I asked sharply, "Why would you do this? Why would you come here and say this? Haven't I pissed you off? These are your friends, I'm nobody."

I needed to get out while I could. My eyes glanced nervously towards the door.

"Simple." He shrugged, "I hate them."

My eyes found his again. We held each other's gaze in silence. He knew I knew; those sketches already condemned me to that fate. But the way he just said it, just threw it in my face... he was testing me. He was testing the first person to know this side of him. He was experiencing this new reaction for the first time. And he must have liked what he had seen in mine.

"I've humored them enough with my patience. These four years are finally ending; I no longer need those puppets," He referenced those drawings of him. "I no longer need to convince them that I like them, or that I need them anymore. I'm finally done having to sit, day in and day out, listening to their lies and idiotic ramblings. I too wish to knock these pretentious pigs off their stands, to burn away their deceits. Or did you think I hated them for no reason?"

I didn't say anything to that, but something inside of me knew he was speaking the truth. The wolf before me waited for my response, still trying to goad me into talking, but he must have realized I was holding my tongue.

"You don't think they deserve their own medicine with how many lives they have ruined?" His free hand reached out and pinched the corners and let the pages fan by quickly. The ones before us were of him though; those pages bearing his wolf mask, his puppeteering hands, his courtroom circus, and so much more.

"You're looking at me all wrong," he prompted me softly, "I might hate them all, but between

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