Chapter 5

My mind struggled to make sense of the situation, but seeing Cedric standing in the dim glow of the back porch light, holding a red cup of his own, was like seeing an algebra problem in my English test.

I stared at him, wide eyed and stunned, and he stared back with an expression that probably mirrored mine.

Whenever we went to watch any of the football or soccer games, he would always get invited to the party by some of the few friends he had from the varsity teams.  We hardly won, but that never really stopped them from hosting parties anyway.

He never showed up to any of them.

Once on our way to our favorite diner, I asked him why he never bothered, and he made a face at me before saying, "I hate parties. You hate parties. It's not exactly rocket science."

"If you wanted to go, you can," I said. "You can just drop me off at home or something."

We stopped at a stoplight and he turned to me. "Where's this coming from?"

Almost immediately, my cheeks warmed. I wiped my sweaty hands on my pants. "I don't know. I just don't want you to think that you have to look out for me all the time," I said. "Because you don't."

"Hey." Over the console, he reached for my hand. He did that thing that he always did when he held my hand like this—tracing small patterns on the back of it with his thumb—and I looked up at him. "I'm not just hanging out with you because I feel like I need to. It's because I want to."

 I looked away. "You're just saying that."

"No, Kyla." The light turned green, but there were no cars behind us, so he didn't bother to drive right away. "Even if it's not a party, even if it's dinner with the president—whatever it can possibly—it doesn't matter. I'd choose this"—he lifted our joint hands together, as if that meant something—"in a heartbeat."

The sincerity of his words was enough to reassure me. I could feel myself begin to smile. "Even if it's a Beatles concert, if you were given the chance?" 

At this, he narrowed his eyes, as though he had to think hard about it, and I playfully shoved his hand away. He laughed, reaching for it again. "Of course," he replied. Then with a playful grin, he said, "But we might have to negotiate on that one."

So we'd never gone to a party together. And as far as I knew, he didn't go to any alone either.

Not until now.

It was like fate was playing a big joke on us, but neither of us was laughing.

"Fancy meeting you here," I said when I recovered, putting on another act even though I was still trying to figure out what he could possibly be doing here after all the times he claimed he hated parties.

Or had he been going to parties when I didn't know?

Whichever it was, it didn't matter. All I knew was that it felt like another betrayal.

I'd always thought that I knew him more than I knew myself, and now it felt like I never even knew him at all, and he could have punched me then, and it wouldn't hurt as much as the realization that he might not have been the person I thought he was all this time.

 He shook his head. "What—what are you doing here?"

I was about to answer, but then I saw his eyes stray from mine and settle on something behind me. I looked over my shoulder and when I saw Seth Everett looking impassively at Cedric, I understood why his eyes had suddenly hardened.

Seth stepped closer to me and, as though he didn't need to think twice about it, placed an arm around my waist. Without looking away from Cedric, he said, "Come on, Evans. Let's go."

I saw Cedric's eyes dart to where Seth was touching me. His eyes lingered there a second longer than necessary and for some reason, it felt as though his eyes had glued me into place, keeping my feet from moving.

Cedric looked back into my eyes, looking even more puzzled than he did before. "Kyla? What..." he trailed off, letting his eyes fall back to Seth.

There was a quality of desperation in the bewildered look in his eyes. He looked confused. Uncertain.

Hurt.

And it was exactly this that suddenly made the gears in my head spin. I took one step back, pressing myself against Seth, and I let his warmth envelope me.

"Yeah," I said, reveling at the way Cedric stiffened, "I was just saying hi."

Seth and I turned away before Cedric could react. I continued to walk until we reached the rose trellis on the side of the house, and when I was sure we were hidden from the rest of the party, I slumped against the wall, feeling as if my knees would give out any second.

I looked up at Seth, trying to read the expression on his face, but it was blank.

"You didn't have to do that," I told him.

"Do what?"

"You know what," I replied. "I could have handled that myself."

With a snort, he said, "Right. You totally looked like you had it under control."

"I did," I insisted, but he shook his head.

"You're not over him."

My eyes snapped to his.

All this time, I'd been trying to convince myself that I was over him, and even though I knew for sure I wasn't, having someone else tell me this felt like he had just pulled the plug on the sink, draining out all the lies I led myself to believe until only the truth was left for everyone to see.

"I am," I said, but the lie was so obvious that there was no point in sticking to it anyway.

"Evans." He shook his head, shoving both hands in his pockets, raising his eyes to meet mine. He looked at me through his lashes, his hair falling across his forehead. "I know heartbreak when I see it."

I swallowed, trying to take a step back before realizing that my back was already pressed against the wall.

I had changed. I'd been dressing well, putting makeup on. I'd been more confident. But was it still that obvious? If Seth, someone who didn't even know me for real, could see it, could Cedric? Could everyone?

With a sigh, Seth reached for the back of his neck and said, "I'll drive you home."

I looked at him, trying to figure out which surprised me more: the fact he knew what I needed even before I did, or the way his voice had softened when he talked.

He placed a hand on the small of my back and I suspected it was more for me than him, so I let him, for some reason feeling reassured by the idea of having someone help me navigate my way through when it felt like I could hardly make sense of where I was.

He wasn't speaking, something I was thankful for, as we made our way to the front lawn.

Then, I felt a hand grabbing my arm, yanking me back with a force that almost made me stumble.

"You're not going anywhere with him."

I looked up, stunned to see Cedric.

It took a moment for me to react, but I shook his hand off and opened my mouth to speak.

Before I could say anything, however, Seth was already speaking. "Fuck off, Walter."

I wasn't sure why it came to me as a surprise, but when I heard the disdain in Seth's voice, I was shocked to hear the same contempt I've heard in Cedric's voice when he spoke of Seth. I've always thought it was a one-sided thing, something Cedric only felt towards Seth, and it never struck me that it could have been something that went both ways.

"Leave her alone," Cedric replied to Seth before turning his attention back to me. He reached for me, but I flinched back to evade his touch. For a moment, this seemed to sting him and he let his hand drop. "I'm taking you home."

"No." I shook my head. "No, you're not."

"Kyla," he said, saying my name the way parents would when their children were being stubborn. "Come on."

I could feel the irritation creep into my veins. He spoke to me like he an authority over me, like I needed to follow him just because, and for a long time, it had always been like that.

But not anymore.

"You don't get to tell me what to do," I said with as much venom as I could muster.  "Come on, Seth."

For a moment, Seth just stood there, eyeing Cedric. I grabbed his hand and tugged at him, and he finally moved.

Seth and I hadn't taken more than five steps when Cedric said, "Let me take you home." Then, in a softer voice, he added, "Please, Kyla."

I didn't even stop to look at him.

---

I used to believe in fairy tales. I used to believe in the magic of meeting someone and falling in love and ending up together because that was just the way things go. When I was younger, I'd always thought meeting Cedric was a fairy tale of its own.

When he offered me his hand that day eight years ago, smiling encouragingly, and helped me get back on my feet, I had no doubt he was going to stay forever.

Even long after I became too old for fairy tales, I never stopped believing in the magic Cedric and I created.

Turns out all of it had been bullshit. He was a liar and that changed everything, because now I was beginning to wonder if anything ever really existed between us.

It didn't feel like it.

I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and forget about Cedric completely, but I knew it was impossible. I'd known him for half my life, even before he became my boyfriend, and removing him from it would be like removing the equal sign from an equation.

I closed my eyes, pretending to fall asleep in case Seth suddenly decided he wanted to talk to me.

When I felt the car slow to a stop, I opened my eyes. I tried to make out our surroundings in the darkness, looking out the window, and when I realized we weren't at my house yet. I bolted upright, alert, and turned to Seth.

 "Where are we?"

Even though we weren't moving, he kept his eyes on the road. He didn't answer right away, but when he did, he said, "Don't worry. We're just a block away from your house."

I studied him for a few seconds before looking out the window to get a better look of our surroundings. Sure enough, we were in my neighborhood, and I let myself relax a little. My first thought was that he was going to make me walk the rest of the way, but I couldn't see the point of that, so I turned to him and waited for an explanation.

He must have felt the unspoken question because he turned the engine off and looked at me. "Cedric Walter hates me."

That wasn't quite what I was expecting him to say. Why he felt the need to say that, I didn't know, but all I could say was, "He does," even though it hadn't been a question.

"Did you see the way he acted earlier?"

"Why are we talking about this?" I asked, not bothering to hide my irritation. I was trying so hard to forget about it all, but here he was, bringing it up all of a sudden.

 "I can help you."

My eyebrows creased together. "Help?"

"I know you're not over him," he said, "and he probably knows it too."

"I'm—"

"You saw the way he acted earlier," Seth cut me off. His voice was quiet, but if I listened carefully, I could hear the disgust in the way he referred to Cedric. "It's driving him crazy, seeing you with me."

"Where are you going with this?"

Now, he shifted and turned completely to face me. "I can help you," he said. "I can help you if you want to get back at him."

I wasn't sure if I heard him correctly, but then I saw the expectant look he was giving me.

"What are you talking about?"

What he said next was something I never thought Seth Everett would ever say to me.

"Go out with me."

---

I'd only ever been asked out twice my whole life. Once, by Derek Kavinsky in eighth grade, then Cedric.

Derek had been my partner in a class project at the time.

He was the kind of boy that all mothers loved; the kind of person who would help old ladies cross the street or carry their groceries, but he wasn't very popular with people his age. He was, at most, average, but he had dimples, which made his smile look even cuter than it really was, and he was very soft-spoken.

If anything, I did like him, at least to a certain degree. I'd never had anyone like me before and the only guy I've ever had a crush on happened to be my best friend, who was into somebody else, so spending time with Derek Kavinsky to work on our Solar System model had been the next best thing to having Cedric pay for my ice cream.

We always worked in his house in their basement and it was, at most, pleasant because we both happened to like astronomy. We had discussions about the constellations and the sun's inevitable death and debated over whether or not Pluto deserved to be part of the solar system or not.

I loved going to his house because right after we finished the day's work, his mom would call for us to eat some cookies or cupcakes or muffins or whatever she had baked that evening. Derek and I would eat in the kitchen, exchanging science trivia and shouting answers at the TV when a game show came on.

His mom always drove me home and he would tag along. He never sat in the passenger seat, even when it was empty, just so he could keep me company in the backseat.

We finished the model two days before the deadline. It had felt like such an achievement that when we finished putting the final touches, I threw my arms around him. I must have taken him by surprise because he almost fell on the table.

I immediately released him, completely mortified, wondering if I acted too rashly, but he simply cracked a joke, blushing just as much as I was.

We finished early and his mom wasn't calling for us yet, so the two of us stayed in the basement, sitting on their old couch.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" he had offered.

"I need to be home by dinner," I lied. I didn't want him to know that I didn't have a normal family like he did, that my mother was rarely home in time for dinner.

Maybe I was afraid he'll think I wasn't normal either, or maybe I just wanted to be with someone who didn't know my father was gone or that my mother paid more attention to her work than she did on me. That way, I could pretend I had a family like his and, maybe if I pretended enough, it would come true.

So I told him my mom would be mad if I didn't come home for dinner, all the while wishing this was true.

"Then let's watch some other day," he suggested. Then, he blushed. "Or, you know, just hang out. If you... if you want to, I mean."

I told him yes. Yes, of course. I would love that.

That same night, after Derek and his mom dropped me off at home, I walked over to Cedric's. Mom was still at work and his house wasn't that far away, so I headed there like I always did.

Cedric had been working on an assignment when I got to his house. His father let me in, used to me showing up without warning. I went there so often that he already knew my favorite dishes and had taken to asking Cedric to set the table for three even before they knew I was showing up.

The moment I went up to Cedric's room, I blurted, "He asked me out!"

He turned to me, swiveling his chair to give me a puzzled look.

"Derek," I clarified, walking across his room to go to his bed. I flopped down onto it and stared up at his ceiling where we once stuck glow in the dark stars. I wondered, briefly, if Derek had stars in his bedroom too, and for some reason, the thought made me smile. "He said he wanted us to hang out."

"Derek?" He had completely turned his back on his study table, focusing entirely on me. "Derek Kavinsky asked you out?"

I sat up, my brows furrowed. "Is that really that hard to believe?"

"No," he replied quickly. "No, no. Of course not. I was just... surprised."

It was only a few months later, when Cedric and I were already going out that I found out that Derek Kavinsky changed everything.

"When you told me Derek asked you out and you said yes," Cedric had told me, "I realized I was completely, utterly jealous of him."

---                                                                                                        

Now, as Seth Everett and I sat there in his car, I couldn't help but give him an incredulous look, wondering if I heard him wrong or if he happened to hit his head somewhere sometime between then and now.

"I mean it," Seth said when I didn't say anything. "Go out with me."

"You can't be serious."

"Think about it," he said, not once looking away from me. "It'll drive him crazy."

"No," I replied in a tone that made it clear I thought he was crazy to even make this suggestion. "If you thought I was ever, ever going to agree to this, then you are out of your fucking mind. Just drive me home."

I expected him to put up a fight, but he simply looked at me, waiting for me to change my mind.

I would never.

I turned to the window, determined not to speak at all. When the silence had grown loud enough to emphasize my answer, he sighed, shifted gears and drove the rest of the way to my house.

"Thank you," I said curtly as soon as the car slowed to a stop. I reached for the door handle, ready to make my escape, when Seth stopped me. I turned to him. "What?"

"Think about it.

"Fine," I lied. "Whatever."

Then I got out, slamming the door behind me, making sure he knew it wasn't just him I was walking away from.