E P I G R A P H

❝I always feared loving you because I knew that with love comes loss, I just didn't know I'd lose you so soon.❞

☾forty three | blackness☽

Holt once told me about this so called experiment which was taken place long ago where people were placed under a dripping tap, blind-folded and had to remain like that for days, it drove them insane, I am not sure how he knows about such a torturous thing, but the point, this is how I feel now.

I have been in this awfully bright and white waiting room for hours, tapping my leg restlessly as I listen to the occasional voice over the intercom or the childish voices heard on the small television, I was going absolutely insane.

I was trying to be respectful of the nurses and doctors who were trying their best to do their jobs, but I just needed to see him.

Ace and Esme were on either side of me, consoling me as I sobbed hysterically. Mason was here too and he was in shock, I don't think I have seen him blink or heard him speak since arriving here. My brain was on a complete overload as it fought between being angry and being sad, but most of all, I was disappointed.

This day two years ago, I lost my boyfriend and now two years later, I lost my love. Well, hopefully, fate is on my side this once and he stays because that boy has so much passion and life to live, I would never forgive myself if that were all taken away from him all because I got emotional and tried to run across the road. 

Unlike when Everest died, the people who hit Holt have been taken down to the police station, and depending on whether Holt wakes up or not, they will find out their punishment soon. Though, I applaud them for taking responsibility rather than bolting from the scene.

"Halo, everything will be okay." Esme's soothing voice reassured me as she rubbed my back.

I nodded, gulping dryly. I was unable to speak, I felt as though I had lost every normal ability. I could not eat, I couldn't drink nor speak, I felt as though the life was sucked out of me the moment that that car collided with Holt's body and now, I am left with the shell of the person whom I was several hours ago.

The person that I was beneath Holt's body as he thrusted into me. The person that I was as he kissed every crevasse of my body. The person I was when he held me as though I was as delicate as a daisy.

That was just hours ago and now I am in the hospital in shreds whilst I wait for news about my boyfriend.

This is my fault. All my fault.

If I had not pried into his journal, none of this would've happened. If I hadn't run off without giving him a chance, none of this would've happened. If I hadn't fought with him, none of this would've happened.

None of this would've happened if it weren't for me. It's always me messing things up. I was the reason Everest crossed that road just two years ago, I was the reason Holt did it three hours ago. It's always me. Why? Because I am dramatic and when I get hurt, I topple everything over around me like a walking tornado. I don't breathe, I don't slow down because time speeds up and I physically cannot think properly.

Holt is a good person. I know he is and I hate that it took him getting injured for me to acknowledge that. He made a mistake as all humans do and I refused to listen or forgive him. 

Maybe I was a game at the beginning but Holt, he said so himself, he chose me because he thought that he would win me and I would choose him, but I chose Ever and Ever won me. Everest did some terrible things to me, the cheating. . .the assault inflicted by Xavier.

I am sure that he did many more terrible things too, but he is gone now and I have moved on. It was just bringing up old things that cannot be dealt with now, none of this is within my control.

I hate not being in control.

I hate being in situations that I cannot dictate. This is all up to the doctors and Holt. If it were up to me, I would fix him and make him wake up, I would hold him and reassure him that I forgive him and everything is okay.

"Ace and I are going to go get some food from the cafeteria," Esme announced, "want anything?"

I shook my head, offering her a small smile.

Esme nodded, Ace sharing me a look of sympathy, though he looked equally as pained as me. This is his non-blood related brother, after all, he has more reason to be heartbroken than myself. I think he just feels guilty because he knew all of this, all of the past and he never did anything about it.

It was not until they walked away that Mason came over to me and sat down, leaning his head on my shoulder. He has always been really sensitive.

"Do you think he'll be okay?" Mason muttered, his voice cracking.

I stared straight forward, my sore eyes stinging as tears filled them yet again, "All we can do is hope, Mase." I said with every last bit of strength in me, "Hope is really all we have right now."

My mother always did say that hope breathes eternal misery.

"I really hope he will be okay."

I scoffed, wrapping one of my frail arms around his shoulders, "Me too."

Thirty minutes or so passed before a stereotypical doctor waltzed into the waiting room where me and my friends waited rather impatiently, wearing a white coat and a blue button-up beneath.

"Are you all Mr. Stone's friends?"

We both simultaneously, standing up as we eagerly awaited from him to continue. I grew nervous as I stared at his neutral expression, unable to tell whether he was about to give us good or bad news, though as sadness consumed me yet again, the miserable part of my brain suggested that it would be the latter.

The doctor nodded, clearing his throat, "Your friend is a real fighter." he began and I sniffled, wiping my many tears from my wet cheeks, "He suffered mild brain damage, luckily he was not hit too hard and we were able to save him."

I sighed in relief.

He's okay.

Holt Stone, my boyfriend, he is okay. Thank god.

"But," he began and I stopped breathing yet again. Of course, there is always a but. "due to the brain damage—though minor—Mr. Stone has slipped into an induced coma and considering the accident, those can last for an extensive-time period, ranging from days to weeks, sometimes even months."

The news passed through me like a hurricane. No, no, no. It's his birthday in six days, the wedding is tomorrow. Christmas is soon. If he does not wake up soon, he will by-pass all of these memorable things.

Suddenly an extreme feeling of nausea consumed me and I was unable to stand properly, rushing over to the seat I had just been seated in, hugging my knees to my chest as I began hyperventilating. I was over the moon that he would be okay.

Five minutes, more or less, passed before Mason was seated back down next to me with a huff. He seemed to heartbroken, it was upsetting considering he is always the light-hearted, happy friend of the group, so seeing him so defeated really affected me.

"The doctor said he'll be okay, Hals." he spoke up, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder, "You don't need to be sad anymore."

I turned to face him, my bottom lip quivering, "He doesn't deserve this."

"Holt would hate to see you like this." he said mindlessly and his words struck me, "He always admired how strong you are. Seeing you this broken would destroy him."

I know it would.

Usually, I am able to hold myself together, but this situation is hitting too close to home. Once I am with him again, whether he is in a coma or awake, everything will be okay. Well, almost everything.

Before I could respond to Mason, Ace and Esme returned and he gladly filled them in on the details, I decided to give my father a call as he had been ringing me repeatedly and after having a brief conversation, he insisted on bringing down a spare change of clothes and some food, though I was anything but hungry. If anything, I was starved, but of Holt's touch, not food.

My dad arrived quickly, hurrying over to me when seeing my broken state. He handed me a chocolate milkshake from that old diner down the road as well as a brown paper bag, though I pushed that away, thanking him for being considerate, but I couldn't possibly keep down any food right now.

Eventually, it got too late and people faded in and out. Esme insisted on staying, but Ace wanted her to get some sleep in a decent bed, so he drove her home then came back. Mason had to get home so that his sister was not alone with his awful mother, and my dad had to leave too, which left me and Ace.

We made it through most of the night without falling asleep, though it was terribly uncomfortable, between the hardness of these chairs provided and not to mention, Ace had a really boney damn shoulder. It was probably around three when I fell asleep, though two hours later I awoke as the hospital did too. Patients began to leave their designated rooms, staff began pacing the halls, each one staring at Ace and I, sharing looks of sympathy, guilt, and a lot of them smiled too.

It's nice to know that people can be kind, even when they have no idea what is going on in someone's life. But we're at the hospital, obviously, something is horribly wrong.

Ace slept on and off for another hour before Esme returned with Mason.

It hurt sitting here without Holt, knowing that he is in a room somewhere unconscious, but I was so unbelievably grateful that I had few people here that care. Not just for me, but for Holt too. After everything that boy has injured, I praise Ace and Mason for being permanent and good influences in his life.

The wedding is soon, so, unfortunately, I have to leave to go and get my make-up done and put on a pretty dress. If only Holt could still be my date, but whether he wakes up in time or not, he wouldn't be able to attend.

My father said that I could just stay here and though that offer was extremely tempting, I know that I should go and experience my father get remarried, besides, I already spoke to Ace and he said that he'll call me the second that he hears anything about Holt's health.

As I left the hospital alongside Esme and my father, I internally punched myself for being so stupid. I always preached about individuality and how you should never depend on someone when it comes to love. You should never place your happiness on something that you may lose, and now I might lose him.

I wish that I could just go back to that night where he took me to the pier, that was one of the best nights of my life. The wind intermingling with my hair, his hand in mine as we walked around eating cotton candy, riding the Ferris wheel. We kissed that night, right alongside the ocean and I have never felt so. . .happy, to be here, to be alive, to be with him.

It was always him. Even if I had to choose between him and a million other things that I want, I would choose him. Every single time.

I felt emotionally bankrupt. The was nothing left to feel, nothing left to say, nothing left but the void that enveloped my mind in swirling blackness. I just wanted him back now. Bad things should not happen to good people, he should not suffer due to someone's poor driving.

***
hey everyone!

long time no see, i'm so sorry! i've been meaning to update for so long but i feel like this entire book is so bad now and it's hard to motivate myself, not to mention i feel like i don't know the characters anymore, so comment and let me know what YOU know about the characters, how do you perceive them?

anyways, please remember to vote, comment, and follow me.

as always, i love you all! ♡

p.s i just updated chapter 43 of my other story loving lakyn so do me a favor and pleaseee go check it out!