E P I G R A P H

❝You glow differently when you're loved the right way.❞

☾ forty two | crash ☽

His lush lips pressed to mine and I fell even deeper in love. His kisses were as addictive as ever and now that this intense need was apparent, they were even more intoxicating to the point that I felt as though I was on some drug, experiencing this immense amount of euphoria, but I suppose that is love.

Love is euphoria. And Holt Stone is the cause of my euphoria.

I moved my lips against his too, the pace slow and steady, unlike my heartbeat.

His hands slipped from my waist, down to my thighs where he then tucked his large hands beneath them and lifted me up from his rickety desk, my legs wrapping around his waist as he stumbled his way over to the bed and gently placed me down, my legs remaining interlocked around his back, his lips never leaving mine once.

I slipped my hands beneath his shirt and ran my hands up the length of Holt's back, my nails digging into his pale skin ever so gently, but it was enough for him to release the most heavenly and underwear-wetting sound I will ever hear. He moaned.

He pulled his face away from mine and I panted, needing his lips more than air, but then he pressed his lips to my neck and suddenly I was in heaven again.

Holt's lips moved softly against my neck, peppering gentle kisses down from my jawline to my collarbone, when he then felt the need to rid of my upper-half, tugging my shirt over my head and tossing it onto the floor where he then stared down at my bra clad chest hungrily.

I whined like a child, tugging the hem of his shirt and he took it off vastly, unbuckling his jeans as well and ridding of them not so gracefully.

"Can I take these off?" he asks like a gentleman as he slips his index finger beneath the hem of my leggings and I nod without a second thought.

They come off quickly just like my shirt did and now I was half-bare and half a nervous wreck. Negative and insecure thoughts begged to enter my mind, but when they tried, I reassured myself that Holt loves me regardless of what I look like, despite having stretch marks on my hips and acne scars on my cheeks, he adores me for it all and if he did not, then we would not be here right now.

"You're such a fucking angel." his eyes glistened amidst the moonlight and I smiled up at him, the light peeking through his sheer curtains ironically making it look as though there was a halo above his head.

He has always called me an angel but he is the angel. My angel and I do not care how feminine that is, Holt is my saving grace, and the only reason that I am not convinced that boys are absolute dicks.

Holt bought his head down to place a swift kiss above my bellybutton and I raised my back off the mattress as I moaned. He took this as the perfect opportunity to slide his hand under my back and reach for the back of my neck where he gripped my curls in a bunch and I moaned yet again, the sound still foreign to me.

He got on top of me properly, his knees between my legs as he pressed his lips to the base of my neck and it felt good. It felt warm and it sends a shock of electricity down my spine.

Holt let go of my hair, using that arm to hold his weight from me as he props himself up on his elbow and uses his opposing hand to touch me, sliding it slowly and tentatively up my abdomen before reaching my lace bralette.

His long and slender fingers run along the undersides of my bra, dipping down the inside of it and back out. His tongue darts out, running over his bottom lip as he cups me with his large palms, gripping my breasts in a teasing manner.

"I don't know whether to keep this on or to take it off." Holt breathes heavily, his voice sounding husky as his eyes bore into my chest, "Off it is." he decides and I sigh in relief.

I raise my back from the mattress yet again, giving him access to the back of my bra where he effortlessly unclasped it and tugged it from my arms, dismissing it onto the floor with the rest of mine and his clothing.

He groans as his crotch pressed against mine and then my own moans followed, "Please, love." I panted.

"What is it that you want, sweetheart?"

I gasped, watching as he kissed his way down my bronzed stomach, "T-Touch me, please." I practically begged him.

I am drowning in his kisses, the many of which he pressed to my hips, my waist and everywhere in between. My eyes closing as I threw my head back and wished that he would take me already for this is far too teasing, I am sure that my downstairs is practically soaking by now, as unsettling as that sounds.

I am too focused on his small acts of affection that I do not even realize where his hand had traveled in that time, until I felt his fingers enter me and I cry out as I quickly become accustomed to the feeling which was both pleasurable and slightly uncomfortable at the beginning.

"You're so fucking wet, fuck." he groaned, using his thumb to massage circles into my most sensitive area.

I huffed, "Holt!" I whined, "You're teasing me!"

He chuckled, his bottom lip puckering out as he pouted, his expression mirroring mine, "Aw, am I, angel?"

I nod, though he already knew that he was teasing me.

He then proceeds to sit up. His fingers hooking around my panties as he pulled them down my legs. He places both of his hands on my thighs and squeezes delicately before dipping his head between my thighs and nibbling on my skin softly.

I gulp anxiously as he parts my legs further and blows, his cold breath against my naked core. My body involuntarily lifts off the bed and his tongue moves up and down my length as his arms wrap around my thighs, forcing them apart, butterflies erupting in the pit of my stomach as I moaned like the wet, flustered mess that I was.

Within seconds I began to shake. I have touched myself before, but god, it is absolutely nothing compared to what was happening right now. My fingers do no justice for what Holt's tongue was doing to me, swirling around, his teeth darting out occasionally to tug on my bud softly and I imagined how good it would feel coming around him too, though that is an activity for another day.

I fist the sheets in my hands as I arch my back off the bed and push myself further into his mouth, needing more and more. His arms tighten around my thighs, forcing me in place and I groaned in annoyance as I felt a knot forming in my belly, my forehead slicked with sweat as he pressed his tongue flat against my slit.

Strangled sounds escape my lips as I think about how damn good this feels, how good he makes me feel and he continued to say soft yet dirty things, licking me in between them, forming a delicious pattern as my body continues to shake rapidly and my toes curl, my eyes practically glued shut otherwise my eyes will constantly roll to the back of my head.

I felt myself growing closer and closer as I remove my hands from where they fisted the sheets and placed them in Holt's dark locks of hair where I tugged on them and he moaned against my core.

One of his arms leaves my thigh as he glides his hand up my torso and pinches my hard nipple between his thumb and forefinger, twisting it back and forth, but not to the point that it hurt. It felt almost just as good as what he was doing down there.

An intense feeling shoots throughout my entire body and I quite literally scream, my body falling back against the duvet as I pant. Once I regain consciousness, he brings his mouth back up to mine and I cringe as I taste myself on his lips, but the taste fades after a few seconds and I tangle my hands in his silky hair yet again, my chest rising and falling rapidly as my bust presses against his chest and I moan each time as my hard nipples brush his skin.

I dare to slide my hand between us and grab his length over his boxers, jerking it up and down and he moans, muttering a chain of curse words before throwing his head into the crook of my neck and sucking on my skin, albeit leaving a monstrous hickey behind.

"Fuck," he murmured, sitting up quickly, his body leaving mine, "I can't take this any fucking longer. I need you now."

He climbs off the bed and before I can ask where he is going, he removes his boxers—and I audibly gasp at his awfully large member—and pulls out the drawer attached to his nightstand, rummaging around for a second, then he pulled out a metallic wrapper and tore it open, revealing the condom of which he then slid over his hard length and I practically drooled just watching as I felt myself become even wetter.

He joins me back on the bed and I prepare myself for what was about to happen.

He uses his knee to part my legs, spreading them wide and I feel his cold fingers rub against me where they are so welcomed. He hummed in approval before leaning forward, using his elbow to hold his weight whilst his other hand wrapped around the base of his length and places his tip at my entrance.

I place my hands on his shoulders as he looks down at me with those mesmerizing grey eyes, "I'll be gentle, I promise." he assures me, "If it gets too painful, let me know, okay?"

I nod and his lips meet mine briefly, his tongue entering my mouth as he kisses me slowly and lovingly, his lips molding against mine as though they were made just for me.

At last, he pulls away and kisses the corners of my mouth, followed by my nose then my lips again and I feel the immense amount of desperation, this overwhelming need to rid of every inch of space between us.

He groans as the silky condom just slips into me and I shriek, "You okay?"

I nodded, swallowing as I stare at his worried expression, "Yes, Holt."

"I love you." were his comforting words.

I beam at him, a love-sick smile on my lips, "I love you more."

"Never." he chuckles, "You ready?"

I nod and he slowly slides into me more and my eyes screw shut as I dig my nails into his shoulder blades, taking in the completely foreign feeling.

He pecks my forehead and I keep my eyes shut as he moves further into me. I wince at the intense and uncomfortable pinching feeling deep inside me. It feels horrid and now I know was Esme was talking about when she said that it hurt because this is relatively close to unbearable.

"Fucking hell." Holt moans gruffly, his body relatively still and unmoving as he gives me a few seconds to adjust to the feeling before going further.

The pain continues and I feel my eyes begin to water as I nuzzle my head into Holt's neck, trying to hide my weeping eyes from him in fears of making him feel bad. This was not him, this is a normal human thing and regardless of who I was to do it with, it would hurt. . .unless they're small.

He moans yet again, throwing his head back and I stare up at him with adoration, "I love you. I love you so fucking much, Hals." he breathes against my temple, the reassurance and defiance in his tone turning the intensity on my pain down ever so slightly but it is still apparent as his hips slowly roll against mine.

"I love you too, Holt." I said again, "Always."

The reassurance in my voice was enough for him to continue and rather than focusing on the pain I was experiencing; I kept my attention on him instead.

His jaw was clenched as his hard muscles contract and pull against his inked skin of which I absolutely love. His eyes pressed shut as his dark eyelashes brush the tops of his cheeks, his eyebrows knitted together as his pleasure verbally exited his parted lips.

The pain became less and less as his speed picked up slowly and he pushed the last amount of himself into me and I watch closely as I cause his undoing.

Holt brushes my cheekbone with his fingers and he kisses me again before burying his head into the crook of my neck, his hot and staggering breath tainting my skin.

After a minute or two, he brings his face to mine and opens his eyes and that is the exact moment that I came to the conclusion that I would take this pain and far worse over and over, just to feel this way, this deep connection to him that makes me feel so secure, so loved and safe.

The emotion in his eyes as he looks into my honeyed orbs brings more tears to my eyes as it sends me reeling out into the oblivion and then tethers me back to him.

I love him. God, I love him and I will say it over and over again because I know that without a doubt, he loves me back too, undoubtedly, truly and definitely.

Even if college pulls us a part or for some reason we do not work out, right now he is my forever, whether that forever is finite or not, he means everything to me and I truly hope that these few months that we have spent together turn into years because this boy right here is one of those people that the world needs.

Someone kind, considerate, selfless.

His pace picks up ever so slightly and I can tell that it is taking him a lot of self-control to keep a steady and slow pace and I adore him even more for being aware of the pain of which I was experiencing, though it was barely there anymore, fortunately.

He kisses me and I tug on his bottom lip, wrapping my legs around his back and lifting myself from the mattress pushing him fully and entirely into me and he curses before pulling out fully and looking down at me, "Ready?"

"Fuck me, Holt.

Without another word being uttered he slams into me and I squeal, biting down on his bicep as he picks up the pace and thrusts into me impossibly hard and fast.

He continues for an unaccounted-for amount of time, it felt like a short amount of time due to how distracted I was, but it would have been fifteen minutes at least before his thrusts and kisses became sloppy and then it happened.

He came.

Holt fell onto the mattress next to me, panting heavily and I immediately pulled the duvet to cover my chest, sweating as my chest was rising and falling with each breath. He threw the condom in the trash before returning to the bed and I was still a complete mess.

That was amazing, more amazing than I ever could have fathomed.

He took care of me as he said. He was gentle, he asked for consent for literally everything and he touched me in ways I never even thought was pleasurable. Ways I never let anyone touch me until him.

He caressed every inch of my body, covering me in soft kisses as though I was fragile and needed to be savored. The way that his hands stroked my arms as he stared down at me caused me butterflies and the way that his fingertips dug into my hips as he thrusted into me, made me want it to last forever.

He made me glad that I waited for him because, for my first time, I was lucky enough for it to be considered making love. I felt comfortable, secure. The way that Holt's eyes scanned my body made me love myself.

Realistically, it probably was not the best time or place considering whilst there were dozens of people merely downstairs, we were up here and on Everest's anniversary. . .but it happened, and I cannot change it nor do I want to.

"Hey, come here." Holt whispered, tugging me towards him.

I rested my weight on my elbow as I stared down at all the beauty that is my boyfriend, a wide grin on my lips as I softly pressed them to his and he placed his hand on my bare back, rubbing it gently and soothingly.

I pulled away, still smiling, "Do you mind if I go get dressed? We should probably go back downstairs."

I didn't want too, but I knew Esme would be looking for me and we have been up here for a while now, all of the touching and well. . .sex took a lot longer than I had expected. Ace is probably looking for Holt as well, not to mention, this is his party.

"Do we have too?" Holt whined like a baby.

I poked the dimple on his cheek, "Yes, love."

After that, I sat up, taking his duvet with me as I wrapped it around my slender frame, leaving him bare and exposed, but he didn't seem to care and why would he? If I looked like that, I would have absolutely no shame.

I picked up my undergarments, leggings, and shirt before scurrying into Holt en suite, dropping the duvet just before the door.

I looked in the mirror and barely recognized myself. I am extremely familiar with the whole concept of women glowing once they do it, but I was truly glowing.

You really do glow differently when you are loved right. I was held in the safe arms of Holt as he made love to me and it seems as though all the kisses he littered over my face as I winced in pain, left a natural luminance behind on my olive skin.

I smiled at the unrecognizable girl staring back at me. She is not the girl I used to be, but I loved her more for it because she isn't lost anymore, she is exactly where she is supposed to be.

Regardless of how gentle Holt was, the area between my thighs hurt like one large bruise, but it was completely normal, and I am sure that it will pass in a few days. On the somewhat positive side, I didn't bleed. Kristel said that she didn't for her first time either, though I am not sure how that came up in a conversation.

I slipped on my sports bra, underwear then pulled my plain black leggings up my legs and over my hips, lastly, I tugged my faded grey shirt over my head.

Considering how mangled my curls now were, I decided to throw my hair up into a horrible attempt at a bun before exiting the room.

I picked up Holt's duvet and dumped it on his bed, surprised when I noticed that he was not in here. He must have left to do something.

I walked over to Holt's desk, images of me sitting there whilst he got down onto his knees between my legs flooding my brain and I blushed.

My hands grasped for the book yet again, I just needed to read one more. Just one, whilst he cannot stop me.

I decided to read the writing on the page of which was already open. It had no title, though it was dated back to almost four years ago.

'Dear journal,
My brother and I made a game up to finally see who was the better brother once and for all.

We made it up on the first day of high school and we chose a girl. Someone that had nothing to lose and whoever won her first, got to break her.

I didn't even know her name until Everest bought her home for dinner the first time. That was when I realized that I had lost, and the game had barely started. He won, like always.'

What?

No, no. This cannot be happening. I was not just some game. Everest, I would believe, but Holt? No, Holt said that he loved me. . .for a long time, before I even loved him. There is no way that Holt would choose me to take part in a game to decipher the better brother. Someone that had nothing to lose. Too bad I did lose everything.

That was not a poem, that was everything that could possibly hurt me morphed into a few lines.

My heart raced as I flipped the page. When seeing it was a normal loving poem, I skipped again and again until I reached yet another one that caught my eye.

'My brother died last night. He died in front of my own eyes and I got to hold his girlfriend in my arms as he passed. She cried, pleaded for him, but he died in an instant due to the harsh impact. Halo barely shed a tear because she is so strong, I think I realized I loved her at that moment. Maybe it wasn't the best timing, but something clicked. Alix and