E P I G R A P H

❝they will search for a love like yours in the
depths of the ocean while you found
peace within the waves❞

☾ forty | moon ☽

I SAT ON the edge of the rooftop, my legs dangling off the edge of the tall building. I looked down at the ground which looked so far away, which makes sense, because I was around twenty-one stories above the ground.

The sun had set fully by now, I had watched for almost thirty minutes as the blue sky faded into golden then blood orange and eventually darkness, the stars littering the sky like soft kisses, each one gleaming, blinking red and green as it entered our atmosphere.

I was cold. My arms were exposed due to my poor clothing choice consisting of sweatpants and a baggy shirt, leaving me freezing on my upper-half, though my legs were warm at least.

I rubbed my forearms with my hands, trying to generate some warmth, but it was of no use, all it did was rub the goosebumps scattered away.

I subconsciously looked behind me, smiling as I noticed Esme and Ace talking deeply about something, seeming invested in whatever they were conversing about. Mason was smoking a joint, staring up at the stars above him with squinted eyes, his lips parted as he tapped his foot restlessly. And then Holt.

Holt was positioned directly next to Esme, his legs parted as he rested his head against the back of the rickety old couch, his tantalizing gaze on me as the corners of his lips tilted into a small smile, I returned his smile with one of my own, but I am sure mine was more goofy than his was.

I turned back to stare at the view in front of me, a wide grin still on my lips as swayed slightly. I had drunk a few drinks, it was the last day of school today for this year, meaning it is officially Christmas break and what better way to celebrate surviving half a year of school than drinking on the top of an abandoned building with your friends and boyfriend?

Usually I would not drink unless I was horribly bored at some party, but tonight I made an exception. It had been a rough year—half a year, I think I deserve a drink or two. . .or five. I felt happy, though. My hands were tingling with adrenaline and I felt over the moon.

I am aware that is the alcohol talking, well partly.

Esme is a light weight, so all it took for her was two drinks and she was completely gone. Mason, Ace and Holt are all higher than the stars right now, but it didn't matter, one way or another, we were all happy right now.

Dad took me to the hospital last week to get a check-up on my arm and the doctor claimed that I was extremely fortunate and my arm healed almost effortlessly, therefore I can get my cast removed tomorrow, it will be good to be able to wrap both of my arms around Holt now, instead of one.

Esme and Ace have a thing, I think. I don't think they are rushing things, currently they are just best friends that flirt. . .a lot.

Mason is Mason. He is happy, he's been looking after his sister a lot but things seem to be looking up for him, or I hope. He jokes a lot, but that could just be a coping mechanism, I know exactly what that is like. When I am upset, the first thing I resolute to is sarcasm.

"Hey, there." Holt murmured as he sat down next to me, wrapping his arm around me.

I beamed at him, "Hey." I whispered, leaning into his warm touch.

"How're you feeling?" he asked.

I shrugged, "Happy." I replied simply, "Relieved. I love Christmas."

"I hate Christmas." Holt said distastefully.

I screwed my face up, leaning back to stare up at him with disgust, "How on earth can you hate Christmas?"

"Well my family isn't exactly loving," he cleared his throat, "and it just hasn't been the same since Everest died."

I grabbed his hand, holding it between mine in a comforting manner, "This year will be different."

My father invited him over for Christmas this year and I was more than happy with it because he knows about Everest being dead, clearly, I guess he was just trying to be polite, but Holt seemed overly grateful for the offer, accepting without a second thought.

It would be nice to spend Christmas with him, especially considering Jax and Nova love him as though he is family and though Holt swore at my father the first time they met, I know that he cares for Holt too and Max, well despite him owing Holt money from buying weed from him in the past.

I remember that day, when Holt came over and I went downstairs to see Holt and Max conversing like they were best friends. I recall thinking about how much of a bad boy he was, selling drugs, but obviously that was a one off because Holt is barely a bad boy.

Looks wise he is the epitome of a bad boy but personality wise, he resembles a teddy bear. But bad boy or not, he is my bad boy.

"I know."

I looked up at Holt and pressed my lips firmly to his, his hands making their way into my curly head of hair, gripping my hair in a bunch as he kissed me with so much love, it was almost overwhelming.

I moved my lips against his smooth lush ones for no longer than ten seconds before I felt myself wanting—needing more, more of Holt, I wanted to run my fingertips across his smooth skin, tangle my fingers in his hair, entangle my legs with his whilst I rest my head a top his racing heart which only seems to beat so fast for me.

"Angel. . ." Holt whispered as he pulled back, looking down at me with swollen lips, "they're waiting for us."

I groaned, hopping off the ledge before waltzing my way on over to my friends, waiting for Holt to seat himself down on the couch before I placed myself on his lap, leaning into his chest as I stared up at the sky just like Mason had been the entire night.

"It sucks that it took almost four years for me to find a group of people I actually like." Esme slurred, "Excluding Holt."

Holt rolled his eyes, "Shut up."

I chuckled, those two never seem to get along, "I'm going to miss this." I stated out loud.

"Me too." everyone murmured in response.

I looked over to Esme, "I can't believe in six months, we'll all be scattered across the country."

"I don't even know where the fuck I'll be." Holt said, "I just wanna be with you." he said like a child as he nuzzled his face into my neck.

I smiled warmly, tilting my head back to grin at him, "What about me?" Ace butted in.

"You're my brother, idiot." Holt said, his tone laced with amusement.

Their relationship always seemed to warm me on the inside. Ace can be rude and extremely annoying sometimes, but he loves Holt and I know that he would—without a doubt—take a bullet for him because they truly think of each other as brothers despite not being blood related in the slightest.

I guess it does prove that whole blood is thicker than water theory wrong because Ace is more family to Holt than his own actual family.

"Where are you going?" I asked Holt, "And what for?"

Now I think about it, I have not a single clue as to what Ace actually feels passionate towards or where he is going after school.

"UPENN." he stated and my eyes widened, "I'm going there to get my PhD."

I stared at him completely flabbergasted, "You are going to be a doctor?"

I had nothing against it, it's just. . .Ace being a doctor, I had no idea.

Of course, I had no idea, we don't talk that much, but not even Holt had said anything. Ace is a leatherjacket wearing weed smoking idiot, I cannot imagine him diagnosing people in a blue coat.

"Yeah. . ." he sneered, "is that weird?"

I shook my head, "No, no!" I remarked, "Of course not, I just didn't know you were into that stuff."

Ace chuckled, holding his joint up in the air, "It's medicinal."

I rolled my eyes, "Whatever."

Esme chuckled, "I think that he'd be a great doctor." she pointed out, "If I ever get sick, I know where to go." she said flirtatiously.

"Gross." I screwed my face up in disgust.

Esme glared at me, "You have practically been having eye sex with each other since the moment you started dating!" she declared, "Think how we all feel."

Everyone excluding Holt and myself snorting in response, muttering their own forms of yes under their breath making my cheeks heat up with embarrassment.

We haven't been that bad. . .have we?

I didn't know the eye sex thing was that bad, there has been some slight sexual tension, but nothing extreme. We have not done it yet, obviously and I know Holt is used to the whole hump and dump thing but he has assured me that he does not care and he can 'wait forever' if that is what I wish.

It is not that I don't want to do it, it's just. . .it will be my first time and I am so nervous. I know some people could not care less when, how or where they lose their virginity, but I do.

I want it to be loving, gentle, soft. . .like in the movies. But I know it is not like that. No matter whom it is with; it will hurt. I need Holt and these past weeks I have craved him in ways unexplainable, but to me, giving him my virginity means giving him the last piece of myself.

He already has my entire heart, I gave it to him the moment I said that I loved him back and now he has my heart in his grasp and I just have to hope that he doesn't accidentally drop it and shatter it into a million pieces. There is always that chance.

He has my trust as well, without a doubt. If I give him my virginity then he officially has all of me, he has the last I have to offer because to me, my virginity has always been sacred, I am wary of whom I would give it to. I always imagined I would give it to someone I used to love, but now I am old and mature enough to make a proper decision, I am going back and forth.

Because, if I am being entirely honest, I want Holt. I want to feel what it is like to be beneath him, I want to know what it feels like to have him slide into me. I want to know how it feels to make love with him. Just him.

But then there is that other part of me begging me to wait a little longer because anything can happen at any moment. Which is just another reason I should go for it. Everest left this world far too soon, it is pessimistic, but it could happen to Holt too, anything could happen to him. I do not want to lose him without knowing I gave him all of me, the good and the bad, because I want him too. Like I said, it's confusing because the reasons I am not read yet are the exact reasons I want it as well.

I want his smile just like I want his frowns, I want his laughs just like I want his groans, I want his company just like I want his bickering.

If I feel that way, he must too.

What am I saying?

That you want him, idiot; my subconscious shouted.

"At least we waited." Holt snorted and Esme and Ace's cheeks burned brighter than the sun.

My eyes widened and I moved forward on Holt's lap, earning a groan from him, "You two did it?" I shouted, my voice echoing and suddenly Esme looked sick.

"But you two aren't even. . ." I paused, "Wait, are you two. . .like together?"

Ace smirked and Esme groaned, "Sort of." she responded, but when seeing my confused expression, she decided to continue, "We decided not to make it official because we'll both be parting for college soon, but we still. . .you know."

"Geez," I gasped, "You two don't beat around the bush."

Holt chuckled from behind me, his chest rumbling against my back, "Weirdo." he murmured.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me." I shook my head at Esme.

She rolled her eyes, "There wasn't anything to tell."

"You letting Ace deflower you multiple times isn't worth telling?"

Esme groaned, tipping her head back as she smacked her knees with her palms, "Why are you like this?"

I giggled, "I don't know."

"Time for a different subject," Holt declared, "I was thinking of throwing a party or some shit for the holidays."

Holt has not thrown a party in so long, since Everest was around. Everyone always enjoyed them, though.

I turned to look at him, "Really?"

He nodded, "Yeah."

"For your birthday?" Mason piped.

My eyes widened, oh my god. Holt's birthday is soon, I should have known considering it is the exact date as Everest's, their birthday is on Christmas Eve, which is another reason as to why Holt despises Christmas so much, I am determined to change that this year.

Holt shook his head, "Nah, I don't do birthdays." he said in a monotone, "You know that."

That reasoning is clear. Mr. and Mrs. Stone treat Holt like he is invisible twenty-four seven, I am sure that his birthday is no exception. Besides, it must hurt him knowing that the day that he was born is the same day that his twin died fourteen years later.

The night seemed to progress slowly from then on, Esme wasted and my slight buzz had worn off, everyone else just seemed tired after a while, myself included, which is the exact moment everyone parted their ways.

Ace took Esme back to his and Holt's place and Holt and I dropped Mason back off home, bidding him goodbye before we continued driving. I had expected Holt to come home with me or take me to his house, we seem to be at one of those two places constantly since being together, but instead we took a right turn and went onto the motorway, heading towards the same place we went for the fair that day on the pier, but when we passed it I grew confused.

I was in a good mood and I was feeling slightly spontaneous, so I decided not to question him and let Holt surprise me for once.

We drove along the beach for at least twenty minutes, the road following the shoreline until eventually the road came to a dead end and the beach kept going beyond it.

This part of the beach was completely secluded, everyone seemed to crowd around the pier, making it one of the town's most popular tourist spots, but down where we had just parked seemed far nicer.

"Isn't it too cold for the beach?" I asked, my teeth chattering as we exited the car.

Holt looked at me over the roof, "That's why I bought this." he stated as he opened the trunk of his car, pulling out a black fluffy blanket.

I grinned at him, "You always think of everything don't you?"

He shrugged, "If I don't then who will?" he snorted, "You don't remember shit."

I rolled my eyes, smacking his arm as we kicked our shoes off, "Shut up."

I placed my shoes and socks in the trunk, Holt following my actions before he locked the car and we stepped off the road and straight onto the sand.

I smiled at the wonderful sight in front of me. Nature truly is beautiful in all times of the day, in all states, colors, sizes and locations. The beach is timeless, though the tide obliges with the moon, stripping the water from the shore, the sight never ceases to impress me.

Upon the primrose sand, the hue was as gentle on the eye as a vintage photograph, there was a steady warmth from the grains. Already the stars glow as if they have kept a pocket of the daytime to shine all through the night sky. Sometimes I think the earth and the moon choose to give of their borrowed warmth and light until the return of the sun, the brilliance forever promised at dawn. Until then, here I remain, breathing deeply of ocean carried air, listening to the percussion of waves that has been my lullaby since before I was a consciousness wrapped in human form.

In twilight the beach was tinted sepia, whilst the full moon reflected on the glass-like water beneath it. The moon saw it's reflection and it seemed to shine even brighter when doing so.

"What're you thinking about, huh?" Holt smiled as we walked towards the ocean with linked hands.

I shrugged, "Nothing important."

"Every single thought that enters that pretty little head of yours is important." he said huskily, "Now tell me."

I rolled my eyes, "So nosey," I muttered jokingly, "I was just thinking about how beautiful it is here."

He hummed in approval, coming to a holt as he placed himself down on the sand, merely three meters away from the water.

It was freezing and my arms were practically numb at this point, but I wanted to feel the water on my toes, I wanted to let it sweep each grain of sand from my skin and refresh me, so I did. I proceeded to keep walking forward, stopping a step before the water begun.

A wave pushed through the water as easily of wind, then it crashed into the surface beneath it, sending a rippling effect my way and then the salt water kissed my skin coldly, sending an immediate shiver down my spine.

I watched as it rushed over my feet, reaching my ankles, then a second later the water reversed back out, sinking beneath my toes, stealing some of the sand with it.

"Is it cold?" Holt shouted from where he was seated.

I turned my head to face him before I nodded, but I was still grinning, "Freezing." I confirmed.

I stayed there for a little longer, allowing the sea breeze to entangle with my curls, tainting them with its strong salty scent. My hair was in a tangled mess around my face despite it being half up and I felt my skin beginning to feel sticky from the moistness in the air, but somehow, I still felt happy.

I always pictured myself to live in the city, in one of those tall high-rise buildings with windows for walls where curtains did not seem to exist and privacy was not a priority, but the view was. But I would love to live on the beach too. I would love to have one of those cute little beach houses made out of wood and have surf boards hanging on my walls like decorations, petite little signs saying things like 'an ocean breeze puts the mind at ease' and have a balcony that overlooks the effortless view of the water.

Anywhere would be joyful, whether I end up living in the city, on the beach or even in the countryside. There truly is beauty within everything, even destinations.

When my skin decided it could not handle the wind anymore, I turned around and headed back over to Holt whom had been watching me intently the entire time.

I sat down between his legs and he dropped the blanket over the front of me, then putting his arms crossed around my neck loosely, I placed both my hands on them, resting back against his warm chest.

Holt pressed his lips to my head, "You smell like salt." he murmured as he nuzzled his nose into my head.

I chuckled softly, "Stop smelling my head then."

Things went silent for a while and we were both in deep thought, I was about to ask what he was being so thoughtful about but before I could he began speaking.

"You know, last time I bought you to the beach, we were on the Ferris wheel," he paused, "and I was watching you stare at the ocean below you as though it was the most amazing thing in the world. We talked about how differently we perceive the world and after telling you the world is shit, you told me; the world isn't shit, the people in it are." he retold old events, "it was in that exact moment that I realized how fucking crazy I was—am about you. You aren't two-dimensional, there are so many layers to you and every time I pull one layer back, I am just as surprised by the next."

I grinned, my heart swelling at his words. I had no idea he felt that way back then because that was the exact time he